I've noticed

Other people blog their feelings, whereas I tend to blog what's going on around me. I do have a journal and I notice in there that I tend to do similar things. Maybe I don't want to confront my own feelings about things, even to myself. It seems odd. Perhaps it could be worked out in therapy, or perhaps I am too sarcastic to take myself seriously.

However, in recent years I have been honest with myself in small ways, just feel like sharing.

June 22, 2006

"Deception is my new best friend. He's always there when I need him, and always has my back.
A girl could get used to a friend like that."

June 20, 2006

"History has proven that
You can put dispair on play/repeat and it will go on forever.
And if it's loud enough and bright enough it doesn't matter how much money you have to buy the things you want or how brilliant you are told you are or how the right boys smile at you or how the cameras flash at you.

it is all you will hear or see."

-later on in the entry-

"i remember feeling that i cant trust any of my friends. reality is a hard slap in the face.

I dont have any friends. not really."

three years ago I was saying the exact things I'm saying now. And why didn't I capitalize anything?

June 10, 2006

" it's weird admitting dark secrets out loud. they poison the air in a room, everyone chokes. stuff like that shouldn't be allowed to hang in the air.
every saturday is ruined.
i got the date wrong. funny how your memory starts to fall apart.
the only definite thing i remember is your eyes.
cold.
calculating.
blue.
like the january night surrounding us.
five months now.

its funny because i say i hate liars but...

i am the best liar i know.

happy 5 month anniversary.

im going to set myself on fire."

June 2, 2006
(I was keeping record of the months and days since..but I won't post that. It's bothersome)

"Figures of speech only downplay your sincerity, tell me the truth, do i mean anything to you? i dont want lies and beating around the bush, you're no good at that anyway...eyes like yours spill secrets...i knew before you spoke where this was going...why am i such a fool to go along with you...you never meant a word. I pretend like i don't know your intentions, but im in love with the hopeless idea that you love me.
forget this im writing my own stories now."

I'm not sure where that was coming from, looking back.

May 11, 2006

"everything is a metaphor for things i can't say. i spend too much time hiding behind pretty smiles and pretty words that make you think you know me. i dont think anyone would ever like to know me, the real me, if they were to find it. shes the girl who never knows what to say and spends too mucht ime crying about things she could never change. i have to be better because its not okay to let this effect me at all. my friends freak out when i stop smiling, demanding to know whats wrong. i always say "nothing" when i really want to say "everything."
maybe that makes me emo. im not exactly into labels.
im not into anything. not even myself."

December 31, 2006
(I begin to capitalize again. Progress is being made!)
Last day of the year, and honestly, I can't say I'm overly said to see it go.
3/4ths part angst
1/4th part lies
Stir until you can't tell the difference anymore
Drink until you forget who you are where you were going.

happy new years!

I wish sarcasm read better on paper because it's my native language. O_O

Consolation prize? Next year I will be 4 hours and 200 miles away from this place.

Sometimes I watch myself smile at everyone and laugh and play myself off as loud and semi-less intelligent that I actually am, I just want to say to someone, "Call me out".

I don't want to come off as depressed. Because that is not me in these pages. No. Cynical, yes.

What am I so afraid of, anyway?

I turn down people who ask me on dates because blind fear and panic take over all rational reactions.

I just wanted to mark the moments where I feel okay.
That I'm not all bad."

March 20, 2007

"When I was a little girl I was always afraid a squid was going to come up from the drain and suck me under whenever I was in the bathtub. Upon completing a bath I would hop out and yank the plug and then jump back five steps, drying of hastily all the while keeping an apprehensive eye on the draining water. The same could be said for the toilet. The lid was shut quickly before I flushed.
Somewhere along the way that squid caught up with me and drug me into that drain. All m hiding did me no good.
I dont think anyone can really touch me in the end."

April 1, 2007

"Sometimes I think this world would be such a better place if people stopped and tried to understand each other.
I guess it's a nice dream.
But nice dreams have no place in this world, or at least in this society.
I am much nicer in my mind. I wish I could let that through in my personality.
People want my characteristics. They tell me I'm funny, I'm sarcastic, pretty, smart.
I think they must be crazy."

and lastly, before I finish.

April 8, 2007

"This place holds nothing good for me anymore.
I can't pretend happiness anymore.
Crying doesn't feel good. It feels like giving in.
Nobody gets it and I don't pretend to let them.

I tried so hard. And I don't know anymore. I don't care. I don't care.

I don't feel alone. I am alone.

I only write anymore when I feel like crap.
I need something good to happen. I hate how quick I am to tears.
Anything."

Mostly it seems I was miserable.

I have ones from the 8th grade, I'll do some of those later for fits and giggles.

-mb