Friday, February 25, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Honesty time. I wish I could call right now. Do you think I moved too fast from Mike to Brian? It's not like Brian was going anywhere, and tonight I realized I still have a lot of hurt feelings for what he did to me when we dated, and tonight I took my hurt feelings out on Brian when I told Brian I wanted to talk and he chose to go to sleep instead. This should not be a big deal, but I got really upset with him, even though Brian was sorry about it, and even though I know he had a long night and probably is exhausted. It just brought back all those bad memories of Mike always saying things he didn't mean, just saying whatever to shut me up. He would walk all over me and take advantage of the fact that I am so nice, and it used to make me miserable, and the worst part is, I would let him. I never said anything, and so tonight I over compensated on Brian, freaking out and making him feel bad, because I knew Brian would actually care. Brian listens, and tries, and feels bad if he thinks hes hurting me, and here I am, treating him like he's Mike.
Which makes me wonder if I should have taken some time to find peace with what Mike did, and our relationship as a whole before trying to start something new with Brian. And now I'm worried it's too late with Brian to do that. Saying to Brian I want to put the breaks on will only hurt his feelings, and I want to be with Brian. But me still being hurt and angry with Mike is not fair to Brian, or his feelings for me.
I don't know what to do. I love Brian. I don't think I've ever loved anyone the way I love Brian, and the last thing I want is to hurt him, but I can not physically keep all this hate I feel towards Mike for being possibly the biggest piece of shit I ever dated while trying to be in love with Brian, because every time Brian screws up (and invariably he will, he's only human and boys are not good at being perfect very long), I am going to freak out on him, which is only going to upset us both.
Ugh I don't know. Part of me thinks I need to just tell Mike exactly what I think of him, and just say it all and get it out, but I know Mike, and he would never let me have my say without firing back and calling me a bitch for sleeping with Brian, which would only serve to piss me off more that he's gonna sit on his pedestal and act like its okay that he lied to me, blew me off, walked all over me, and made me feel inferior to his wants and needs because I slept with Brian once.
Just thinking about it makes me want to hit something. Like Mike. I'm supposed to see him and get my stuff back, and I keep blowing him off because the idea of seeing him makes me want to run him down with my car. I never thought I could dislike someone as much as I dislike him.
Which brings me back to my initial problem. I looooovelove Brian. And I want to be able to tell him everything, all the time, and be totally happy with him, and I can't be that when half the time I'm daydreaming about killing Mike.
Maybe I should just send them both a copy of this, and let Brian tell me that I'm the best girl every and he loves me so much and not to run Mike down with my car but maybe rent one and do it with one of those, and then Mike can tell me how he cherishes me as a friend, but I'm a slut for sleeping with Brian, but because he's Saint Mike, he forgives me.
^ thats what makes me the maddest. How he can say I'm awful, but because he's so great, he forgives me. I know him, he is a total ass who is entitled and thinks hes gods gift to women, despite his poor sex ability and tiny penis, and I never saw him brush his teeth. Not once.
I feel better already, having vented to you.
-mb
Which makes me wonder if I should have taken some time to find peace with what Mike did, and our relationship as a whole before trying to start something new with Brian. And now I'm worried it's too late with Brian to do that. Saying to Brian I want to put the breaks on will only hurt his feelings, and I want to be with Brian. But me still being hurt and angry with Mike is not fair to Brian, or his feelings for me.
I don't know what to do. I love Brian. I don't think I've ever loved anyone the way I love Brian, and the last thing I want is to hurt him, but I can not physically keep all this hate I feel towards Mike for being possibly the biggest piece of shit I ever dated while trying to be in love with Brian, because every time Brian screws up (and invariably he will, he's only human and boys are not good at being perfect very long), I am going to freak out on him, which is only going to upset us both.
Ugh I don't know. Part of me thinks I need to just tell Mike exactly what I think of him, and just say it all and get it out, but I know Mike, and he would never let me have my say without firing back and calling me a bitch for sleeping with Brian, which would only serve to piss me off more that he's gonna sit on his pedestal and act like its okay that he lied to me, blew me off, walked all over me, and made me feel inferior to his wants and needs because I slept with Brian once.
Just thinking about it makes me want to hit something. Like Mike. I'm supposed to see him and get my stuff back, and I keep blowing him off because the idea of seeing him makes me want to run him down with my car. I never thought I could dislike someone as much as I dislike him.
Which brings me back to my initial problem. I looooovelove Brian. And I want to be able to tell him everything, all the time, and be totally happy with him, and I can't be that when half the time I'm daydreaming about killing Mike.
Maybe I should just send them both a copy of this, and let Brian tell me that I'm the best girl every and he loves me so much and not to run Mike down with my car but maybe rent one and do it with one of those, and then Mike can tell me how he cherishes me as a friend, but I'm a slut for sleeping with Brian, but because he's Saint Mike, he forgives me.
^ thats what makes me the maddest. How he can say I'm awful, but because he's so great, he forgives me. I know him, he is a total ass who is entitled and thinks hes gods gift to women, despite his poor sex ability and tiny penis, and I never saw him brush his teeth. Not once.
I feel better already, having vented to you.
-mb
Monday, February 21, 2011
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Why The Devil Wears Prada is an AWFUL movie
I Watched The Devil Wears Prada last night, and I could not believe the message it was sending. Could. Not. Believe. It.
First of all, I'm very sick of the Ugly-girl-turned-pretty-because-we-changed-her-clothes bullshit. Because Anne Hathaway is cleeeearly already pretty. So calling her fat and ugly in the movie just makes normal people feel like zit-faced whales.
The main points I got from the movie was, "If you are a career oriented woman, you will be hated, miserable, and alone forever." and "A woman should always put her man above her work, and her man's work above herself."
With regards to the first point. The "Devil" as the title states, refers to "Dragon Lady" Chief Editor Miranda Priestly. She's successful, she's a bitch, everyone hates/fears her, and she's emotionally alone. They make it very clear by the end of the movie that you do not want to be Miranda Priestly, and through nice-girl-turned-bitch by the business world, Andy Sachs, we are shown that a woman CANNOT pursue this sort of success in career without becoming the "Dragon Lady." Andy starts of this happy-go-lucky hope-to-be journalist that takes the only opportunity she gets (working as Priestly's second assistant) as a chance to network and make connections to be successful. She fails at first because she doesn't adapt to the work environment, and slowly she gives in, starting with her wardrobe. Slowly her relationship falls apart because her boyfriend is increasingly upset by her dedication to her job, because it is inconvenient to him, and they spend less time together. Eventually, Andy makes the realization that in order to be successful she HAS to become Miranda and quits, running back into boyfriend's arms, completely disregarding a guy who would genuinely have accepted her for her devotion to work.
Which brings me to point number 2. Boyfriend, Nate not-good-enough-to-have-a-last-name, leaves Andy after many fights about her late nights, and frequently being called in. He tries to reward her when he thinks she quit, and is angry when she hasn't. Eventually, when she quits and comes back to him, he accepts her, and praises her for quitting and then tells her that he's gotten a great job opportunity in Boston, and he wants her to come with him, to which she seems extremely happy to do so. I would have been pissed. I was REALLY irritated that she went back with her douche bag unsupportive boyfriend. If William started acting like that because I had a job that would launch me into my dream career, we would be done. He doesn't respect her. AND THEN at the end, HE expects HER to pack up and move to Boston for HIS job. UNBELIEVABLE! What a jackass!
So all in all, I hated the movie. It made me really angry, and I'm just tired of movies with messages like this. Had I written it, the ending would've been as follows. Starting with maybe the scene where Miranda basically tells her "Be me or go home" she should have fought! Completely changed her perspective, gone with Christian Thompson, who completely supported her AND helped her on several occasions to get ahead and make connections in journalism. There by showing that a woman CAN be successful AND happy... that you don't have to be a Miranda to get ahead, and yes, some things in your life may drastically change because of your career, but that doesn't mean your life can't be great if you want it to be.
ugh.
First of all, I'm very sick of the Ugly-girl-turned-pretty-because-we-changed-her-clothes bullshit. Because Anne Hathaway is cleeeearly already pretty. So calling her fat and ugly in the movie just makes normal people feel like zit-faced whales.
The main points I got from the movie was, "If you are a career oriented woman, you will be hated, miserable, and alone forever." and "A woman should always put her man above her work, and her man's work above herself."
With regards to the first point. The "Devil" as the title states, refers to "Dragon Lady" Chief Editor Miranda Priestly. She's successful, she's a bitch, everyone hates/fears her, and she's emotionally alone. They make it very clear by the end of the movie that you do not want to be Miranda Priestly, and through nice-girl-turned-bitch by the business world, Andy Sachs, we are shown that a woman CANNOT pursue this sort of success in career without becoming the "Dragon Lady." Andy starts of this happy-go-lucky hope-to-be journalist that takes the only opportunity she gets (working as Priestly's second assistant) as a chance to network and make connections to be successful. She fails at first because she doesn't adapt to the work environment, and slowly she gives in, starting with her wardrobe. Slowly her relationship falls apart because her boyfriend is increasingly upset by her dedication to her job, because it is inconvenient to him, and they spend less time together. Eventually, Andy makes the realization that in order to be successful she HAS to become Miranda and quits, running back into boyfriend's arms, completely disregarding a guy who would genuinely have accepted her for her devotion to work.
Which brings me to point number 2. Boyfriend, Nate not-good-enough-to-have-a-last-name, leaves Andy after many fights about her late nights, and frequently being called in. He tries to reward her when he thinks she quit, and is angry when she hasn't. Eventually, when she quits and comes back to him, he accepts her, and praises her for quitting and then tells her that he's gotten a great job opportunity in Boston, and he wants her to come with him, to which she seems extremely happy to do so. I would have been pissed. I was REALLY irritated that she went back with her douche bag unsupportive boyfriend. If William started acting like that because I had a job that would launch me into my dream career, we would be done. He doesn't respect her. AND THEN at the end, HE expects HER to pack up and move to Boston for HIS job. UNBELIEVABLE! What a jackass!
So all in all, I hated the movie. It made me really angry, and I'm just tired of movies with messages like this. Had I written it, the ending would've been as follows. Starting with maybe the scene where Miranda basically tells her "Be me or go home" she should have fought! Completely changed her perspective, gone with Christian Thompson, who completely supported her AND helped her on several occasions to get ahead and make connections in journalism. There by showing that a woman CAN be successful AND happy... that you don't have to be a Miranda to get ahead, and yes, some things in your life may drastically change because of your career, but that doesn't mean your life can't be great if you want it to be.
ugh.
Annoyathon!
I'm starting a list of shit that annoys the piss out of me...
1. calling your boyfriend "the boy"
2. calling Justin Beiber "the Beibs"
3. "make me a sandwich" jokes, and other tired worn-out sexist jokes.
4. People who burp out loud, don't cover their mouths, and then say excuse me in a way that makes it seem like they think it's funny or cute. It's gross. It's definitely not cute. and I shudder and die a little inside every time it happens.
5. People who completely neglect spellcheck for EVERY WORD. everything is spelled wrong... how do people read it? I'll never know.
6. Four Square. It never knows where I am.
7. Reality TV. I'm over it. It's gotten completely dull watching "People Just Like You in Everyday Situations," "People Just Like You in Extreme Situations," and "People who's everyday life makes you glad yours is normal."
8. People who think their above or the exception to the rules.
9. People who are never on time. and usually "late" means, like, 40 minutes late.
10. Fake designer purses. I mean, either get one, or don't. It's like, "I want to look rich and fashionable, but I'm broke." Why would you want to look rich? Then people assume you have money, and I can think of many situations where that is just going to make you more broke. Prime example: When buying something negotiable.
11. Being a bitch to strangers with the excuse "I don't know them. What do I care?" someone said exactly those words to me to night, and I'm just thinking, "What do you care? really? You're only making the world a slightly more awful place to be, no big. What would it kill you to just be decent to other people?"
12. When people repeat the same point 5 times in a story... it makes me feel like you think I'm too stupid to get it the first 4 times.
13. People who force their superstitions on you. My sister threatened to stop the car until I agreed to lift my feet over railroad tracks. Unbelievable.
14. People who say they started something random and stupid. Big example, the phrase (everyone used in HS) "I'm not saying, I'm just saying." Way too many people claimed that phrase to be coined by themselves. No one gives a shit even if it was.
15. Girls who are all empowered and "fuck men, I don't need them. People in relationships are stupid. I've got the right idea by being single." only when they are single, and then jump at the chance to be in a relationship and saying, "Oh, I'm such a fool. He completely whisked me off my feminist feet, and made me realize why romance is the best." only to go right back to the beginning when she gets dumped. If you're going to claim a stance, have the dignity to stand by it. You can't say you're "decidedly single" if you'd date any guy who'd ask.
16. Hypocrites. I am one, so yeah, I annoy myself.
17. People who can't back up/support their opinions, but refuse to open their minds to others regardless... I. hate. that. Especially when people say things like, "Well, I don't personally know the explanation for that, but I know that there is one." Bullshit. What a bullshit response, because you can't argue with "I don't know, but I'm right!"
In other news... went to Wooden Nickle for dinner last night, there special was "smothered quail" ... ew. I imagine it probably tastes like duck, but... I've never had duck or quail, so I'm really just making wild assumptions based on very little.
1. calling your boyfriend "the boy"
2. calling Justin Beiber "the Beibs"
3. "make me a sandwich" jokes, and other tired worn-out sexist jokes.
4. People who burp out loud, don't cover their mouths, and then say excuse me in a way that makes it seem like they think it's funny or cute. It's gross. It's definitely not cute. and I shudder and die a little inside every time it happens.
5. People who completely neglect spellcheck for EVERY WORD. everything is spelled wrong... how do people read it? I'll never know.
6. Four Square. It never knows where I am.
7. Reality TV. I'm over it. It's gotten completely dull watching "People Just Like You in Everyday Situations," "People Just Like You in Extreme Situations," and "People who's everyday life makes you glad yours is normal."
8. People who think their above or the exception to the rules.
9. People who are never on time. and usually "late" means, like, 40 minutes late.
10. Fake designer purses. I mean, either get one, or don't. It's like, "I want to look rich and fashionable, but I'm broke." Why would you want to look rich? Then people assume you have money, and I can think of many situations where that is just going to make you more broke. Prime example: When buying something negotiable.
11. Being a bitch to strangers with the excuse "I don't know them. What do I care?" someone said exactly those words to me to night, and I'm just thinking, "What do you care? really? You're only making the world a slightly more awful place to be, no big. What would it kill you to just be decent to other people?"
12. When people repeat the same point 5 times in a story... it makes me feel like you think I'm too stupid to get it the first 4 times.
13. People who force their superstitions on you. My sister threatened to stop the car until I agreed to lift my feet over railroad tracks. Unbelievable.
14. People who say they started something random and stupid. Big example, the phrase (everyone used in HS) "I'm not saying, I'm just saying." Way too many people claimed that phrase to be coined by themselves. No one gives a shit even if it was.
15. Girls who are all empowered and "fuck men, I don't need them. People in relationships are stupid. I've got the right idea by being single." only when they are single, and then jump at the chance to be in a relationship and saying, "Oh, I'm such a fool. He completely whisked me off my feminist feet, and made me realize why romance is the best." only to go right back to the beginning when she gets dumped. If you're going to claim a stance, have the dignity to stand by it. You can't say you're "decidedly single" if you'd date any guy who'd ask.
16. Hypocrites. I am one, so yeah, I annoy myself.
17. People who can't back up/support their opinions, but refuse to open their minds to others regardless... I. hate. that. Especially when people say things like, "Well, I don't personally know the explanation for that, but I know that there is one." Bullshit. What a bullshit response, because you can't argue with "I don't know, but I'm right!"
In other news... went to Wooden Nickle for dinner last night, there special was "smothered quail" ... ew. I imagine it probably tastes like duck, but... I've never had duck or quail, so I'm really just making wild assumptions based on very little.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Love really is the best thing in the world.
Mike decided to put me on blast today. I've been trying to talk to him about the whole situation with Brian for the last week, and he was always like, "its no big deal," and "i'm not upset," and I thought, that's so weird, because I would be pissed. I even told him that, and he said, "i'm not most people."
WHAT A FUCKING LIAR. This morning we were supposed to meet up so I could my stuff back and give him back his, but I spent yesterday with Brian enjoying the nice weather instead of doing Mikes laundry (it wasn't a touch choice). So anyway, I texted him and told him I hadn't actually done any of his laundry, and we agreed to meet up another day, possibly Thursday. He then proceeds to ask me if I have big Valentines Day, and I said not really, because I don't. Brian is working late, so we're just gonna chill unless Brian is planning something and I'm not aware of it, which I doubt. He knows how much I like to plan my outfits according to what we're doing.
Anyway, Mike mentioned he was going to a Blues game, and I told him to enjoy the jersey, which has to remind him that he didn't actually get me a Christmas gift, since he never gave me he the Kesha tickets, and he decided to pick that moment to say this whole thing has been weird. I can't say I'm shocked, but it annoyed me considering I had been trying to talk to him about this for last week, and he kept telling me everything was fine. I understand he has a right to ask questions, but a break up is the moment for those questions, not whenever he feels like it. I tried to be nice about it, but he is acting like I made it a competition between him and Brian the whole time, which I never did. Until the Super Bowl Brian was never even an option really. I started talking to Brian when I was trying to break up with Mike. It's making me sick in that angry/nervous way where I want to be like, "AND I FUCKING SLEPT WITH HIM WHILE I WAS DATING YOU!"
Yes. I was always still in love with Brian. Did that mean I only dated Mike to make Brian jealous, or because I was biding my time waiting for Brian to change his mind? No. I genuinely liked Mike. Mike was the one who said he didn't know if he had time. Did I text Brian wanting him back? Not specifically. I missed him, but was at the point where you can be friends. Did Brian and I talk for three days after that? Yes. Did we admit we still had feelings for each other? Yes. Did I break up with Mike for Brian? Yes. Does that mean I was trying to do that through my whole relationship with Mike? No, I wanted things to work. I tried really hard. I did everything he asked me to, I waited around all day for him sometimes only for him to bail on me, I drove over to Illinois twice a week to see him even though I hate bridges and the fact that he usually just went to sleep when I got there. I tried hard, I put a lot of my time and energy into it, and he was just not willing to do the same. I'm really really irritated.
Anyway, it's Valentines Day, and I'm happy to be with the man I love, to live with my friends (even if they drive me crazy sometimes), and still be friends with you (aawww gagpukedie) and everyone else in my life.
peace out girl scout
mb
Mike decided to put me on blast today. I've been trying to talk to him about the whole situation with Brian for the last week, and he was always like, "its no big deal," and "i'm not upset," and I thought, that's so weird, because I would be pissed. I even told him that, and he said, "i'm not most people."
WHAT A FUCKING LIAR. This morning we were supposed to meet up so I could my stuff back and give him back his, but I spent yesterday with Brian enjoying the nice weather instead of doing Mikes laundry (it wasn't a touch choice). So anyway, I texted him and told him I hadn't actually done any of his laundry, and we agreed to meet up another day, possibly Thursday. He then proceeds to ask me if I have big Valentines Day, and I said not really, because I don't. Brian is working late, so we're just gonna chill unless Brian is planning something and I'm not aware of it, which I doubt. He knows how much I like to plan my outfits according to what we're doing.
Anyway, Mike mentioned he was going to a Blues game, and I told him to enjoy the jersey, which has to remind him that he didn't actually get me a Christmas gift, since he never gave me he the Kesha tickets, and he decided to pick that moment to say this whole thing has been weird. I can't say I'm shocked, but it annoyed me considering I had been trying to talk to him about this for last week, and he kept telling me everything was fine. I understand he has a right to ask questions, but a break up is the moment for those questions, not whenever he feels like it. I tried to be nice about it, but he is acting like I made it a competition between him and Brian the whole time, which I never did. Until the Super Bowl Brian was never even an option really. I started talking to Brian when I was trying to break up with Mike. It's making me sick in that angry/nervous way where I want to be like, "AND I FUCKING SLEPT WITH HIM WHILE I WAS DATING YOU!"
Yes. I was always still in love with Brian. Did that mean I only dated Mike to make Brian jealous, or because I was biding my time waiting for Brian to change his mind? No. I genuinely liked Mike. Mike was the one who said he didn't know if he had time. Did I text Brian wanting him back? Not specifically. I missed him, but was at the point where you can be friends. Did Brian and I talk for three days after that? Yes. Did we admit we still had feelings for each other? Yes. Did I break up with Mike for Brian? Yes. Does that mean I was trying to do that through my whole relationship with Mike? No, I wanted things to work. I tried really hard. I did everything he asked me to, I waited around all day for him sometimes only for him to bail on me, I drove over to Illinois twice a week to see him even though I hate bridges and the fact that he usually just went to sleep when I got there. I tried hard, I put a lot of my time and energy into it, and he was just not willing to do the same. I'm really really irritated.
Anyway, it's Valentines Day, and I'm happy to be with the man I love, to live with my friends (even if they drive me crazy sometimes), and still be friends with you (aawww gagpukedie) and everyone else in my life.
peace out girl scout
mb
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Well, I'm happy for you.
William is stealing his car this weekend though, so I'm trying to figure out a way to get home. I'll keep you posted. I mean, somebody has to be going to St. L right? lol.
I have THE worst case of senioritis right now. I don't want to do anything... I do though, because I'd like to be able to get a job when I graduate. :)
There was something else I was going to say, but I forgot. *shrug*
I've started doing weight watchers so I can look damn good at my wedding. I'm also taken a dance class for pretty much the same reason. My senior recital is March 26, and I really would just like to get it over with.
Spending spring break in Boston with William and I. am. stoked. It's the second week of march, and omg I can't wait.
Gotta go to class. will add more later maybs.
William is stealing his car this weekend though, so I'm trying to figure out a way to get home. I'll keep you posted. I mean, somebody has to be going to St. L right? lol.
I have THE worst case of senioritis right now. I don't want to do anything... I do though, because I'd like to be able to get a job when I graduate. :)
There was something else I was going to say, but I forgot. *shrug*
I've started doing weight watchers so I can look damn good at my wedding. I'm also taken a dance class for pretty much the same reason. My senior recital is March 26, and I really would just like to get it over with.
Spending spring break in Boston with William and I. am. stoked. It's the second week of march, and omg I can't wait.
Gotta go to class. will add more later maybs.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
It was something I could never forget
I'm not always the best at expressing my emotions, I blame my mother (not really). But these last three days feel like a dream. I keep expecting to wake up and find out this was all a really vivid dream. I'm okay with that, if it is, because it is totally worth it, I literally never thought I would be back in his room, wrapped up, laughing and happy like I was when we were together.
I guess I should start at the very beginning, wherever that is, and explain myself fully. Obviously you remember the break up since you were the first literal person I saw immediately after it happened. I like to think I held myself together alright around you, but looking back on it, I think I did a lot of crying.
When I got home from you I spent two weeks alternately in Courtney's room or my own crying and watching television, and after that it became business as usual. Kind of. I spent basically all of September shit faced drunk, and I can't pretend that was because I suddenly became some kind of party girl. October was better, I turned 22, I went on some dates with some people, and generally picked myself back up off the floor and remembered that I had dignity (who knew?). On Halloween I met Michael, and it was the first time I really felt like I could go back out with someone and nothing was going to happen. And I really liked Mike, he was sarcastic and he could keep up with me (for the most part, but I'm getting there), and our first date was a lot of fun. However, it would have been a lie if I said Brian wasn't kind of chilling out in the back of my mind. So I stopped talking to him for a while, so I could concentrate on Mike, I knew I never would be able if I was always wondering what Brian was doing, and besides, at that point I knew Brian was seeing somebody else. I think we spoke for a moment in December, but for the most part I was happy with Mike..in a way. Mike and I were never going to work out, and I knew it from the third date when I slept with him. I'm not saying he was bad, but it was one of those moments when afterwards you're just like, 'thats it?'. I don't know what I was expecting from Mike, but no one, including Mike can or ever will say I didn't try damn hard to make things work. I changed a lot of things about my most basic personality to be with him. I am a bouncy, energetic person. I don't like sitting inside watching movies every time I'm with the person I'm with, and that's all we ever did. Movies, sex, sleep. Then I'd get up and leave and he'd go to work and we wouldn't see each other for another six days, repeat. We did one daylight activity, and the whole time I thought I was so lucky, which is ridiculous. What boy doesn't want to go out with his girlfriend on the weekends? It dawned on me last Thursday that I wasn't happy anymore. The were so many other things, like how he refused to tell me I was pretty because I already knew, so he didn't need to say it. Just because I know doesn't mean I like hearing it. He was still a good guy, and I'm not gonna trash talk (much), I don't want anyone to dislike him specifically.
But then I texted Brian last thursday? Or Friday? I'm not sure. I think it was Thursday night, just talking about my car or some shit, I don't even remember what I asked him. But I told him I wanted to break up with Mike. And the next morning he texted asking how it went. And we spent the afternoon talking, and later that night I sent something else to him, and for the next two days we talked non stop, while Mike and I fought the whole time. And Saturday night I went to a frat party and got kind of drunk, told Brian I wished he was there, and he said he wished he was too, and I said I missed him, and he said it too, and then I blogged to you, waited two minutes, and then told Brian, "we should do something before Tuesday" (we had plans for Tuesday.), and he asked what I was doing the next day. I made sure Mike wasn't planning on anything, which of course he wasn't, and Brian and I agreed to meet at the Zone (a bar).
I think I changed 800 times before I finally settled on what I ALWAYS end up wearing, purple shirt, nice jeans, curly hair. And I walked in completely nervous and found Brian, and tried to keep it together. He let me make a lot of jokes at his expense, which I always enjoy, but halfway through I realized I had not been so happy, or so myself in a long time, and it felt good. I don't really remember when we started talking about what happened, I just remember being afraid of what he was going to say, and wondering why he was bringing it up, because I was fairly certain I was the only one who still felt that way. I remember him telling me he couldn't tell me why he broke up with me, because he didn't know, but that he regretted it, and feeling like I was never going to be able to catch my breath. And at some point I told him in a very round about way that I was still in love with him. We left when the bar closed and decided we didn't want to part ways, so we went back to his place, and on the way there I was resolved to behave.
Which lasted for like....fifteen minutes? He was laying, I was sitting, both of us were in pajamas. Then I laid down, turned around so I was facing him, and we were kind of touching, and hand holding, and then the kissing started, and once we did that I knew it was over. He said, "I forgot what those felt like," and I was smiling, and we kept doing it, and then I was taking off his clothes...you can guess the rest.
Breaking up with Mike was hard, I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but it had been over before Brian had walked back in. He made me do it over a text message, he refused to answer my phone calls. I tried, I really did, but I never wanted them both.
I might be making a huge mistake, but it's my life, and I'm allowed to make those mistakes. I know there are no guarantees that anything will be any different this time around, but I want to take that chance. Its on me. This is what I want, and for what it's worth, I haven't been this happy in a long time. This is how love should be.
I can't wait to see you this weekend.
Your welcome for the biopic on my life.
-mb
I guess I should start at the very beginning, wherever that is, and explain myself fully. Obviously you remember the break up since you were the first literal person I saw immediately after it happened. I like to think I held myself together alright around you, but looking back on it, I think I did a lot of crying.
When I got home from you I spent two weeks alternately in Courtney's room or my own crying and watching television, and after that it became business as usual. Kind of. I spent basically all of September shit faced drunk, and I can't pretend that was because I suddenly became some kind of party girl. October was better, I turned 22, I went on some dates with some people, and generally picked myself back up off the floor and remembered that I had dignity (who knew?). On Halloween I met Michael, and it was the first time I really felt like I could go back out with someone and nothing was going to happen. And I really liked Mike, he was sarcastic and he could keep up with me (for the most part, but I'm getting there), and our first date was a lot of fun. However, it would have been a lie if I said Brian wasn't kind of chilling out in the back of my mind. So I stopped talking to him for a while, so I could concentrate on Mike, I knew I never would be able if I was always wondering what Brian was doing, and besides, at that point I knew Brian was seeing somebody else. I think we spoke for a moment in December, but for the most part I was happy with Mike..in a way. Mike and I were never going to work out, and I knew it from the third date when I slept with him. I'm not saying he was bad, but it was one of those moments when afterwards you're just like, 'thats it?'. I don't know what I was expecting from Mike, but no one, including Mike can or ever will say I didn't try damn hard to make things work. I changed a lot of things about my most basic personality to be with him. I am a bouncy, energetic person. I don't like sitting inside watching movies every time I'm with the person I'm with, and that's all we ever did. Movies, sex, sleep. Then I'd get up and leave and he'd go to work and we wouldn't see each other for another six days, repeat. We did one daylight activity, and the whole time I thought I was so lucky, which is ridiculous. What boy doesn't want to go out with his girlfriend on the weekends? It dawned on me last Thursday that I wasn't happy anymore. The were so many other things, like how he refused to tell me I was pretty because I already knew, so he didn't need to say it. Just because I know doesn't mean I like hearing it. He was still a good guy, and I'm not gonna trash talk (much), I don't want anyone to dislike him specifically.
But then I texted Brian last thursday? Or Friday? I'm not sure. I think it was Thursday night, just talking about my car or some shit, I don't even remember what I asked him. But I told him I wanted to break up with Mike. And the next morning he texted asking how it went. And we spent the afternoon talking, and later that night I sent something else to him, and for the next two days we talked non stop, while Mike and I fought the whole time. And Saturday night I went to a frat party and got kind of drunk, told Brian I wished he was there, and he said he wished he was too, and I said I missed him, and he said it too, and then I blogged to you, waited two minutes, and then told Brian, "we should do something before Tuesday" (we had plans for Tuesday.), and he asked what I was doing the next day. I made sure Mike wasn't planning on anything, which of course he wasn't, and Brian and I agreed to meet at the Zone (a bar).
I think I changed 800 times before I finally settled on what I ALWAYS end up wearing, purple shirt, nice jeans, curly hair. And I walked in completely nervous and found Brian, and tried to keep it together. He let me make a lot of jokes at his expense, which I always enjoy, but halfway through I realized I had not been so happy, or so myself in a long time, and it felt good. I don't really remember when we started talking about what happened, I just remember being afraid of what he was going to say, and wondering why he was bringing it up, because I was fairly certain I was the only one who still felt that way. I remember him telling me he couldn't tell me why he broke up with me, because he didn't know, but that he regretted it, and feeling like I was never going to be able to catch my breath. And at some point I told him in a very round about way that I was still in love with him. We left when the bar closed and decided we didn't want to part ways, so we went back to his place, and on the way there I was resolved to behave.
Which lasted for like....fifteen minutes? He was laying, I was sitting, both of us were in pajamas. Then I laid down, turned around so I was facing him, and we were kind of touching, and hand holding, and then the kissing started, and once we did that I knew it was over. He said, "I forgot what those felt like," and I was smiling, and we kept doing it, and then I was taking off his clothes...you can guess the rest.
Breaking up with Mike was hard, I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but it had been over before Brian had walked back in. He made me do it over a text message, he refused to answer my phone calls. I tried, I really did, but I never wanted them both.
I might be making a huge mistake, but it's my life, and I'm allowed to make those mistakes. I know there are no guarantees that anything will be any different this time around, but I want to take that chance. Its on me. This is what I want, and for what it's worth, I haven't been this happy in a long time. This is how love should be.
I can't wait to see you this weekend.
Your welcome for the biopic on my life.
-mb
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Just because something isn't what I would do in a situation, doesn't make it a wrong decision. As a friend, it's my job to tell you what I think, and give you advice from a third person perspective. It's not my job to get pouty and mad when you don't take my advice. It is my job to suport whatever decision you end up making, and help you through any possible consequences. It's your life, and as your friend, I'm here to help you deal with things that come along, and laugh when shit is funny, but it's not my job to micromanage your every move, or get pissed off when you do something I told you was a bad idea. I'm not the one who has to face the consequences of your decisions, and so I have to assume that you weighed the options and went with what made sense to you, which makes it the right decision.
What I'm getting at, is I hate how often you tell me that person X is mad at you because you did N. i.e. Slept with someone on the third date, got back together with an ex, killed somebody, had 15 abortions, etc.
I could never be mad at you for a decision that doesn't concern me. If, say, your decision was to kill William, then yeah, I'd be pretty pissed. But if your decision was to kill Nick, well, I'd try to talk you out of it, because I'd hate for you to go to prison over a douche bag like that, but if you did it anyway, I'd be a character witness at your trial.
Sooooo... that being said. I hope everything works out with Brian. I liked Mike, but honestly, if he started talking about not having time, that either means he's gonna break it off soon, or he wants an excuse for why you guys suddenly see a lot less of each other, so you don't assume he's cheating. Either way, it means your relationship is headed in a bad direction, so being the one to hit the breaks is good, because it feels better being in control of the destruction instead of just a casualty.
What I'm getting at, is I hate how often you tell me that person X is mad at you because you did N. i.e. Slept with someone on the third date, got back together with an ex, killed somebody, had 15 abortions, etc.
I could never be mad at you for a decision that doesn't concern me. If, say, your decision was to kill William, then yeah, I'd be pretty pissed. But if your decision was to kill Nick, well, I'd try to talk you out of it, because I'd hate for you to go to prison over a douche bag like that, but if you did it anyway, I'd be a character witness at your trial.
Sooooo... that being said. I hope everything works out with Brian. I liked Mike, but honestly, if he started talking about not having time, that either means he's gonna break it off soon, or he wants an excuse for why you guys suddenly see a lot less of each other, so you don't assume he's cheating. Either way, it means your relationship is headed in a bad direction, so being the one to hit the breaks is good, because it feels better being in control of the destruction instead of just a casualty.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Well I tried. You apparently okay with all brian like activities. Or 48 hours of straight texting culminating in him saying he kept his phone in his hand all night and couldnt stop smiling the whole time i was texting him, and i agreed.
This never would have happened if Mike hadn't told me he didnt know if he had time for something serious with me, and i texted brian, and three days later (all initiated since i first texted, by brian) i am stil talking to him and i might have just said, "we should do something before tuesday."
So in non-responding, you are actually giving me your blessing to whatever drama is about to unfold. either way you have to admit its kind of exciting!
-mb
This never would have happened if Mike hadn't told me he didnt know if he had time for something serious with me, and i texted brian, and three days later (all initiated since i first texted, by brian) i am stil talking to him and i might have just said, "we should do something before tuesday."
So in non-responding, you are actually giving me your blessing to whatever drama is about to unfold. either way you have to admit its kind of exciting!
-mb
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