Found out my stalkers name. Ben.

He's not really stalking me, ....I hope. He just coincidentally goes to everything I go to.

Making signs for Quad-Fair on April 24, which is (of course) the same day as William and my 2nd anniversary. w/e. At least we're both going/helping run it. There's a "ball" at the end of it. Come to think of it... maybe it's a perfect day to have it.

I'm in charge of signs, and organizing spending (who the fuck decided I was good at handling money? hellooOOoo?)


It's exciting anyway. I like painting these signs, mostly... because everytime I finish one everyone oo's and aah's. I'm arrogant like that apparently. Who knew I could paint? (Ok. I did...)

HvZ starts in, like, the first week of April. Mark your calendar, because you should definitely spend that week here playing with me. They usually start it on a Wed or Thur and it's over by Mon.

Going to Gatlinburg in less than a week, which is very exciting for me.

William's been very... kissy lately, not that you want to know that... it's just... odd. lol.

I miss you.

Did I mention I miss you?

Also, William still hasn't looked at Grad schools, which I have decided is possibly a good thing.

He didn't want to look around at Apt, I said my friend had one available and he went with me to see it (and make sure it wasn't a portal to hell) and then was pretty much like, "looks good, I'm sold."

So... maybe grad school will be like that.

Me: SLU has a program, so does UMSL.
Him: I'll apply.
Them: We love you, please study here.
Him: *shrugs* ok.

That's a hypothetical situation obviously.

I still don't know what the fuck I'm doing post-grad. *sigh* I like the idea of owning a business though...a lot. So... business classes? Still going to do my major though, so I can graduate on time. I'll just take some business classes here/Jeffco or something.

Spending the summer in St. L for the most part. Might come up here to get away at times (you should join)

ok. back to painting.

out.

frustration. that can best sum up my mood.

meet a boy, who kind of changes my opinions on the way i've been feeling towards dating in general, drive down to hang with him (and other people, naturally), only to spend my last night with him having a convo on how i agree being friends is a good idea since we live so far away from each other.
what. the. fuck.

half of me wishes i had been like...no. thats not okay, and you know it.
and the other half just doesnt give a shit. i dont think i could make myself care about another person deeply if i wanted to, but it's not so much that is that nothing is really worth the risk for me i guess. i dunno. im tempted to text and say "look, this is gay," but we agreed, and im not going to be that girl.
nope. so im frustrated. go back to the bobbys, andys, and roberts of the world. i just cant get excited about those guys. you never text me back, so you didnt know i ran into bobby and was so flustered i let him talk me into going to steak n shake with me. awesome. what a fun night oh wait.
my friend amanda wants me to date amanda. that would probably be a good match. we are both assholes. oh whatever.

fuck dudes.

nothing else excited. going to slu. that should be baller.

-mb

When are you coming to see me? I want to build an igloo.

So glad this week is ovah

My arch nemesis Dr. Jennings called me into his office Tuesday to tell me once again how much of a lost cause he thinks I am, and then I proceed to tell him once again that I don't understand why on earth he thinks that, and that, as my choir director, he doesn't really know all that much about me to be making such strong accusations, and then he went on his little spiel about my not seeming enthused about music, and I finally just told him that I am very enthused about music, just not his class because he runs in like an arrogant douche who thinks he and his class are the most important thing on the planet, and that even though it is worth only 1 credit hour, we should all be totally ok with it being the same work load as a 5 credit hour course. I mean, seriously... homework? in ~choir~?? no thanks.

I don't know why I'm the only one with enough balls to tell him what's up. (probably why he hates me so much)... I always make a point to mention that I'm speaking for more than just myself when I give him opinions about the choir.

el oh el.

Anyway, other than that there's just been a lot of homework. I had a big project, a test and an annotated bibliography due yesterday, which I think my teachers planned intentionally. We didn't have class Thursday, so to keep anyone from taking a four day weekend, all the professors seemed to decide that yesterday would need to be quite mandatory.

I have no money, but I was approved for a credit card. By no money, I really mean I have $800 to last me until summer, which wont cover my bills. So the card is going to be my little way of taking a loan. 0% interest for the first six months of course, so I wont owe more when I do pay it off this summer.

Speaking of which, got a job as a bar tender in St. L for the summer, very exciting.

William has money problems of his own. His trip to the middle east nearly doubled in price recently and he still hasn't heard back on the scholarship he applied for.

Speaking of scholarships, I should be getting mine back after this semester. Provided I actually do as well as I'm planning.

stupid 2.97.... I miss the honors thing in high school. Made it so much easier to not worry about getting a C in Algebra II with Mr Boring.

Going to Gatlinburg for spring break with people who actually know how to make and keep plans... planning that trip with Ryan Bender was like writing a fiction novel and then waiting for it to become real (I think Stephanie Meyer is a little guilty of that, ha!)

It's an APO thing so there will be community service involved, but I suppose that is what I signed on for when I joined. lol. I haven't been very involved lately, so it'll be nice to spend a week getting to know some of my sisters better.

Speaking of sisters... I made Kelli on my sims game... it was funny. she's dressed like a stripper.

Made you too, ho.

There's this guy who is everywhere (like Chris Penning used to be). I mean... it's bizzarre... almost as bizzarre as his personality.

Actually conversation he tried to have with me:

Him: You're wearing a green shirt.
Me (confused): ...yeah.
Him (completely straight faced and mono-tone): I used to have a green shirt.
Me: That's ... facinating.
Him: yeah... I was walking out of the garage one day when I was wearing it, and it got caught on the door and ripped. Then my dad accidentally ripped it more, so I had to throw it away.
Me: ......
Him: Yeah, so...now I don't have a green shirt.
Me: .....
Him: But you do.
Me: Do you... want it or something?
Him: uh... oh... uh... no... I mean... I was just saying.... y'know?

Plus he has no concept of personal space.

The first time I ever saw him I thought he was kind of cute, that quickly changed. lol.

He is ... everywhere.

When I go to William's room, he's in the lobby.
When I went to print my paper off, he was in the computer lab.
When I went to the RPG Club meeting, he had suddenly joined.
When I threw a movie night for about 10 friends, he showed up (I thought someone brought him, but no one even knew who he was, other than RPG people who knew him from the meeting, and agreed he was weird)
When I went to the Phi Sig party last night, he was there... dancing like Chandler Bing. Is he in Phi Sig? no.
He also walked me home apparently.
I'm half surprised I didn't wake up to find him asleep on the floor or couch or something...

not dating someone based on their job is not snobbish. It's practical. Your life is going somewhere, his is not (well.. I guess it's going "down the toilet" haha).

If I dropped out of school and decided to have a job instead of a career, I think that William would probably take a long hard look at our relationship before proceeding with it, and I would do the same in the reverse situation.

You have to date people that are in the same place in their lives, or it's just not going to work... or at least, it's unlikely.

I didn't know you were coming up so I guess your changing your mind isn't very upsetting. lol.

You should come up soon though, before I live with William... or you and I could come up here for a weekend over the summer while he's East. and by "East" I mean Middle East. I'll be in St. L most of the summer, so it'll be like a cheap vacation to nowhereville.

I wanna I wanna I wanna touch you, do you wanna touch me too?

You do. Admit it.

How do you make a total REDNECK HICK HILLBILLY stop talking to you? I have no idea. I told him one of my best friends was gay, as was my aunt, that I absolutely loathe country music, that poor grammar disgusted me, that I would never ride a green tractor unless my life depended on it, I am not a redneck woman, and being an elitist was not a bad thing and that I considered myself one.
And he's still talking to me. HELLO. YOU ARE A JANITOR! I am getting a masters degree, and quite possibly a PhD (Dr. Rosinbaum, awww yeah!), I was not going to date someone who can't even properly use the English language and feels like Garth Brooks relates to his life.
I mean, Jesus, maybe that makes me a snob. I don't think it does, I like a boy anyway. He's normal, has heard of Mastodon, and talks like someone with an education higher than the fourth grade. He goes to MSU, I think that's why I like him so much, he's too far away to smother me all the time like most dudes tend to do. I mean, fuck, Nick gave me more damn space than some of these guys, and we lived together! I need someone with a fucking life.

I'll travel the sub-zero tundra, I'll brave the glaciers and frozen lakes. And that's just the tip of the iceberg, I'll do whatever it takes...

Don't be sad, but I opted out of traveling to Truman to instead go back to my old stomping grounds in Springfield, (I went in November too, loooove it there), Amanda and I are having a serial killer movie weekend (again), and the boy is down there as well, though we're going to Branson for that. I dunno. He's normal. Not ugly, or gross, or anything else. I'll ask Garrett anyway, he's always right about things in my life.

Going to the capitol with Courtney Wednesday. Should be fun.

See yous.
I'm sorry....I love you.
-mb

I think I ought to clarify a bit.

I'm not doing ~that~ bad in classes, I'm just lazy and procrastinate. I still get it done. I have good grades in all my major classes (except one that I dropped mid semester and then retook and got an A) the grades below B that I do have are not in major classes.

I have a 2.97, which will be back to 3 something after this semester, I hope. lol.

I just suck at the whole "learning for the long run and not just for tomorrow's test" thing.

And I can't say that William's ~not~ like Nick, because I wasn't obviously there when you and Nick had your spats, but... our fights tend to be civilized, though frustrating, and we do eventually talk things out and figure out what we're going to do to fix the problem or prevent it from reoccurring. Name calling and mean accusations aren't ever a part of it. We keep the argument focused on what's going on that moment that is bothering one or both of us. The only time previous actions are brought up is when it is extremely relevant, and like I said, no name-calling. We're very honest with each other, and I like that about our relationship. Maybe that'll all change when we live together, but we'll just have to see.

Fight's usually end in "I'm sorry. I love you."s from both parties.

maybe it's time to stop wasting money up at truman and come home and do it down here? my aunt mickey told me that when she's hiring someone and they see c, d's, and f's, they throw the application out without looking it over anymore. she said sometimes they'll look someone over to see if it was just a semester, to see if maybe something bad happened early on, like freshman year, but if you fail classes for your major they never consider it. that's pretty scary considering how tough getting a job is. i'm glad i haven't messed around in any of my classes, despite changing my major twice. all a's. if you're failing you could seriously be jeopardizing your future. i'm not trying to be mean, i'm seriously concerned about you, you never sound happy when you talk unless you're talking about william, and lately everything you've said about him is about him being mean, or you guys fighting.
i don't know anything about it, i know, i'm here, and we don't talk a lot about it. all i'm saying is that failing or even hating where you are but staying is not healthy. really, i have been there, staying somewhere because of a guy, im afraid to leave him because i don't know if i can ever love someone like i loved him, while he is mean and snippy with me, always mad and moody, and it was messing me up, tip toing around him, backing down even when i hadn't done anything right.
it might not even be the same.
but it sounds like it.

you dont have to pay any attention to this, and like i said, i'm not writing it to be a jerk or butt into your business. i'm sure willaim is nice, and you have awesome reasons for staying at truman, but if you're unhappy or doing poorly, maybe consider coming back, or doing something up there that would make you happy?

on an unrelated note, i met a boy, out of the blue, cute, nerdy, not sure if he likes me, i like him...ugh. im so nervous. its unusual, i'm usually so sure i can have any boy i want. i havent second guessed myself since highschool. i hate it.

i have the best looking valentines date. rob schulte! i asked him last night, so now i have a date to the moolah, yay! bought my tickets today. bummer youre not going. :/

-mb

It's been a while since you changed your major. lol.

I suck at school. I don't go to class. I want to be done with this whole stupid charade!

bleh.

I don't like being single, if you remember. lol. It's too much work.

William seems irritated again this morning, but... I think maybe it's just sleepiness. *shrugs*

My professor is going to kill me...

UUUUUUAHGSDDSJHDFSGFSHSJKDGHH!!

You make me glad I'm single. Seriously. This is probably the best period of time in my life since Nick and I went downhill.
Totally handed Jonathan his ass to him tonight, asshole. Look, the lesson here is that, if you call me a bitch, I am going to end your world.
Boys are fucking ridiculous, they are needy, whiny, and pretty much ridiculous. I know I said that, it merits being said twice.

OMFG I applied to SLU. Did I mention I'm changing my major? Yeah, I'm changing my major. Turns out, I hate cutting people. Also, I like serial killers.
Criminal psychology. Yes.
Nursing...well...at least I am certified to do CPR.

Don't tell my mom, it will only piss her off.

<3
mb

I'm sick to death of hearing people complain about how sick they are of hearing about whatever the latest thing is. (Miley Cirus, Justin Beiber, Twilight, etc.)

People like it. It's a trend. It too, shall pass and be replaced with something else that you will non-conformistly hate for no other real reason than "it's popular," though you would never admit that. No, no, you're ~above~ such stupid things, and people who enjoy them. Y'know what, shut the fuck up.

Did I like Twilight? no. Do I hate Twilight/Edward Cullen? no. (though, I think it's kind of dumb, but to each his own) Am I sick of hearing about it? no, more like indifferent.

When are people going to grow the fuck up and just enjoy what they enjoy, regardless of whether it's the bee's fuckin knees, or if openly liking it is considered social suicide?

What are you not telling me!?!

Gawd... everything I do, say, or even emote... no matter what it seems like it's bothering/irritating or pissing him off in some way.

I make a joke, he's offended.

I ask something, he's offended.

He asks if he can watch his show, or if I want to watch something else, and I say he can watch his show, and he seems annoyed!

What... the... fuck am I doing wrong here?

He has worse mood swings right now than a 12 year old girl who just got her period for the first time.

"I wub you"

*exasperated sigh* "Whatever....fine"

*cutesy* "Hey you :D"

"Why do you have to be such a bitch?" (me: it was a joke) "wasn't funny."

Jonathan was brutally dumped via text message. It was better that way, trust me, he argued with me too much when I tried to do it in person. He pretty much called me a whore today, so I don't feel even slightly bad about doing it. Not that I would have anyway...he wasn't really my type.
Now I'm seeing this dude named Kevin, whom I'm not too crazy about, he threw me onto his bed and began kissing me. I know I said it bothered me that Jonathan was so timid he never touched me, but manhandling me was not exactly what I had in mind.
I dunno, Christy and I were talking about this, all these dudes must have had shitty girlfriends before us, and now they're so fucked up its too late to try and change them, and seriously, who wants to do that anyway? I would rather he just be normal, a dude who is capable of understanding you don't need to rush into a relationship or sex, who has goals and is going somewhere with his life, can give me space, and is moderately attractive. Apparently these guys do not exists. Or if they do, they are not calling me. Kevin called me four times yesterday! I mean...c'mon!
Plus I'm kinda seeing Andrew Lowry...again...and this med student named James (super hot!), and did I mention I'm half in love with my best dude friend?
So maybe I am the messed up one, and by the way, if you're wondering if juggling all those dudes is hard, the answer is no. Technology these days makes everything really easy, and I like having options, and the ability to play the field. Someday, sure, I'll settle down. But I'm on 21. Who wants that now...besides you? (no offense, to each her own)

Other than all these men who constantly tell me I'm gorgeous (which I love, not gonna lie), life is pretty normal...minus the assault, but I'm kind of pretending like that didn't happen. My grades rock, I've got a job as a cocktail waitress (you should see the outfit, it's ridiculous), and I spend most of my time with my friends. Or with this stupid ass dog Jonathan got me that I don't know what to do with. No one wants her.

Alright I'm done here.
See you.
-mbizzle

So... is Jonathan or new-guy your date for v-day.

I suck at school... and I think William's mom is catching on to that. I over heard part of a conversation...

I need to get my ass motivated, but... bleh.

Bar-tending this summer in the STL, which means, of course, that I will be living there. Maybe take statistics at Jeffco. Who knows...

Need to pull my gpa up if I want to go to grad school... >.> ugh, but I don't... but I have to...fml.

My life is going nowhere, and I'm scared to death that William's going to realize that and head for the hills (the kitchens on fire!)

Maybe that would be best though? Not emotionally, but logically... idk... he'd certainly be better without me, and I'd be almost nothing without him.

It's pretty pathetic.