New Year's Bullshit--er... I mean Resolution:

Do/Learn something new (like a hobby) every month... or... y'know, more.

I actually started in December with Knitting. That's going fairly well.

January has already bee kicked off as I was taught, just after the count down, how to smoke a cigarette. I don't plan on continuing, but it is doing something new so... OH and I didn't even cough. not once.

I think I'm also adding WoW to January since it's only been a few days since I started playing. I'm only getting a one month account thingy though.

February? who knows... I will think of things as the months go, and I'm open to recommendations.

excerpt from one of the many emails being tossed around my family about this years xmas party...

"I will, of course, have plenty of surgical masks with me for participants, as well as hand sanitizer. Flu shots will be made available in the parking lot. Twenty-five dollars per shot should cover my costs. I can arrange for a standby ambulance if necessary. Nancy is quite capable of intubations for seriously ill patients. Other than that, I'm sure everything should be fine. We may have a problem with Complete Cardiac Arrest."

None of that is a joke. My uncle is a doctor, and he is apparently under the impression that swine flu is quite like the plague. I read this and my immediate reaction was "......." *head hits desk in shame/humor*

whoa. whoa. whoa.

ryan and i just met, lets not go jumping any guns here. i dont want to rush things and have another nick on my hands. nice and slow...except when its like one in the morning and he starts..anyway, not blog appropriate. he has talented hands though.

plus, i am never living with another boyfriend again. and he already finished college, with a degree in finance. so boo and yah

okay. the rest sounds good. i will be the apartment nurse and keep you guys from getting swine flu, or cow flu, chicken flu, elephant flu, or the rare and elusive doe doe bird flu.

life is treating me super awesome right now, excepting nick, but im going to treat anything he says to me from now on with zero interest. itll be like he died.

that comment you wrote was bitchin, by the way. totally made my week.

-mbizzle

Ok, so here's the plan :D lol.

William and I will graduate and he will apply/get into SLU or UMSL for grad school and we will move into a live/work unit in New Town with you and Ryan, and our business can be selling music/instruments, teaching music, recording music, and anything else music related, plus you and I can write screen plays and musicals and books, or whatever we want. I'll find a gig with a band and make extra cash that way, and work as a sub teacher or at a daycare, if need be. You and Ryan can do whatever other jobs you want to as well.

We'll work out scheduling so that the shop is open as many hours as possible.

William will eventually graduate and start teaching, and you'll be a nurse, and ryan will be whatever he wants to be, etc...

We all live happily ever after, the end.

I'll move into a flat with you in New Town if you want Cindy. We've been talking about getting a place together since we were embryo's, it's time.

I just want to state that I am in such a good mood it's ridiculous.
His name is Ryan. Come home and I'll introduce you to him.

I wish had something more exciting to blog about. I need a more dramatic life.

-mbizzle

My absolute, life time dream...

Living in a live/work unit in New Town (St. Charles). 2nd floor, my lovely home. First floor, music studio and school. It's the one thing New Town is missing, and I want to be the person who brings it. (I'm typing this here so it's documented, but no one other than Marybeth gets to know about it. lol.)

My Goal in steps:
Graduate (duh)
Learn to play as many instruments as possible (already well ahead of the pack on that one)
Collect as many instruments and recording equipment as possible.
Raise money
Move to New Town, hurray!!!

...and somehow involve MB in all this :D

procrastination... sucks. I'll write more about this later, when I don't have eons (I wrote ions the first time LOL) worth of homework in front of me. I wish it were ions... those are much smaller than eons... or maybe just bon bons?

meh.

"the truth is, you kind of blew me away that night."

yuuuup.

"the truth is, you kind of blew me away that night."

yuuuup.

goddammit motherfucking shitty ass cock-sucking bloody ass-ramming hamster-fucking pussy licking son of a bitch!


*looks into mirror* Avada Kedavra mother fuckers.

what am i gonna to when the best part of me was always you?

cause when a heart break no it dont break even.

I love this song. The video is on, it's great. Even though it's sad.

Anyway.

Nothing to say.

Just wanted to share that.

-mb
xxx

Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.

it occurs to me at times that i might be a terrible person. I feel guilty about things I have done previously in my life, some so random and far behind that i wonder how i remember them at all. this has been a recent thing, and im glad i have cody to talk to, or i might just go crazy.

i am upset with dennis' behavior when he spent the night several weeks back, but do not know how to bring it up without making an awkward and uncomfortable situation into something worse i spoke to cody about it, and he thinks it should be left alone. nick offered to speak to him, in an non offensive matter, but somehow i think that would make dennis feel worse

nick and i have reverted back to the beginning of our relationship. i was unsure how things would play out with us living seperately of each other, but i must ssay, i enjoy it alot. everything has gotten better, we never fight anymore, we have a fuck ton of fun, and having sex is probably my favorite thing in the world. i dont want to rush him back in with me since things are so happy between us, especially since he is going back to school and what not.

im looking for a new job. i love you, office depot, but you do not pay me enough.

also, giant pink floyd poster looks awesome in my apartment.

just saying.

-mb

I go over this in my head again and again and again... the only reason I'm still at Truman is because I want to spend the rest of my life with William. It's a terribly reason to be here, but... I guess anything that motivates me to stay in school is a good thing.

I'm really worried I might fail some classes this semester.

Why does life have to be so fucking difficult and stressful.

and why does my boyfriend have to dissect everything in our relationship until he finds something that's wrong.

I mentioned relationship counseling (they offer it at the UCS). He didn't think it would be helpful, which means it probably wouldn't be.

I just want everything to be perfect, and happy... is that too much to ask? I guess so...

Don't you wish your girlfriend was...

Dead Like Me.

I really like this show (Dead Like Me). Very morbidly sarcastic.

I keep going back and forth between "I hate my job, I'm quitting." and "I don't want to starve to death." It's very stressful, which shows on my 40-year-old face.

Having sex less than once a week doesn't help. There's just not enough time in the week for everything and that's something that has kind of taken a back burner.

Currently I am typing face down in a pulliw with my arms stretched out toward the keyboard. I'm looking forward to seeing how well I type blind. I'm half rc\xpecting to look up and see gibberish. Ok, looking up now...

lol. Not too bad. pillow and expecting kind of failed, but it seems that was partially caused by my missing the backspace button.

I'm exhausted. both from studying and working. back to face down position...

wake me up in a hundred years.

Happy Birthday Marybeth!!

My napping is becoming debilitating. Before I got pregnant, I never used to nap. Now I'm luck if I can force myself to stay away for nine hours at a time. Literally, it's awesome, because I love being asleep, but it's awful because I fell asleep tonight after I got home from work, and woke up at ten, and I have to be back at work at 8 tomorrow morning. Now, factoring in the fact that Nick is going to come home sometime around midnight and bug me until I eat whatever him and Nate cooked, and then he will proceed to keep me awake the same way he always has since we met (no matter what he says, it's always been this way), the napping will also hinder any decent sleepy time tonight, and I will be a zombie (again) at work tomorrow.
I won't be able to nap tomorrow because I'm having lunch with Grandpa Bob (cue dun dun duuuuuuns!). I scheduled this dinner strategically so I wouldn't have to drunk because, alas! I am still too young. Anyway, I wasn't supposed to work tomorrow, Cody worked a Sunday for me, so I said I'd come in on Friday, but that means when I get off I'm going to have to change in the bathroom and go straight to the Hill.
Nap time is essential, the baby, though only a size of a grain of rice, is exhausting. I can tell I like my baby (well duh), because morning sickness is like, non-exisistant. It's happened like three times. I think my baby is going to come out just a perfectly lovely baby who sleeps through the night and has no sarcastic attitude at all (okay, that last part is a lie.)
Being pregnant isn't so bad, not like I thought it would be. I've lost weight (I know, right?!) I sleep like a brick pretty much anywhere, I can eat like I've never been able to before, like, a garbage disposal, I'm thinking of entering a hotdog contest. Okay, no, I don't like hot dogs, but you get the point.
There doesn't feel like a downside to this OTHER than the crazy mood swings. I don't always notice them. I get angry a lot, so Nick and I battle like pokemon quite often because he doesn't understand that I'm not being mean, it's just the hormones, so then he yells, which makes it worse because then I really AM mad. Today we were talking about my birtday, (its sunday) and I was under the impression that we were gonna go out Saturday night. I'm not making a big deal out of this b-day, it's gonna be low key, it's not like I can drink anyway, so what's the point, although I kind of had it planned like this before I found out about my little mistake (mommy loves you). Then he's texting me about how he wants to go out with his friend Nate, and I don't want to say he can't, because the last time I was trying to get him to stay home more he went off and tried to fuck that cunt ass bitch Erica. Whom I am going to kick the shit out of the next time I see her, not counting Davids wedding, because weddings are no place to kick someones ass. Cindy, I wish you could see it, she is so fucking scared of me, she can't even make eye contact with me. Granted, if you saw (you've seen some of the looks) the looks she's gotten since we met (not formally, that would just be awesome if someone who didn't know would introduce us formally) you would understand. Nick told me she left David's party early because she was afraid I was going to say something to her. And then when I wandered up to his work the other day...ugh. I hate everything about her. Anyway, enough of that.
So, he tells me about Nate, and I totally burst into tears. It's weird, I don't normally react like that (ever). It's really not a big deal. It's almost funny, if it were happening to you it would MOST ASSUREDLY be funny.
Anyway!
It's not important, tomorrow Nick has a tiling job and I'm gonna come along (his idea, he doesn't want to go alone I think because he doesn't normally invite me along to things like that)and keep him company with my witty banter and sarcastic remarks.
So, if the baby is a girl her name will be Isabella (not after Twilight) Christine, and a boy is Dylan Alexander. I sooooOOooo hope it's a girl. It's crazy, but I am totally in love with this baby, and I don't even know her/him yet. Like, hardcore. All my plans revolve around the baby, I day dream about when he/she'll be here and what he/she'll be like. My vision has changed, you know I'm as aware as a tomato on a highway, but recently I've become hyper aware, like, everyone and everything is a threat to my tiny rice baby, and I walk differently. The other day someone came kinda close and my elbow shot up like I was gonna fucking ju jitzu them or something.
Instinct or fucking bat shit crazy?
Anyway, enough rambling.
-mb

Goddammit!

I do not understand why the universe wont just let me get up at 6:30 so I can make it to class on time...

I don't even want to fucking be here anymore. I'm so tired, and I'm just sick of it. I feel trapped though. I'm trying so hard to make it through these four years so that I don't feel like my life is a failure, and I can make a decent salary, but it just gets harder and more stressdul every fucking day, and today I missed my 7:30 class for the I-don't-know-how-many-th time, and after 6 I fail the class. I don't know if this is 6, but I'm really hoping it's not. If it is, and I fail, not only will my GPA take a huge hit, but I will drop below full time status and all of my loans will start expecting to be paid.

I don't even know why I came here anymore, but I'm staying for all the wrong reasons.

This blog lacks something... lame poetry! Like the old days!

Biggest up, followed by the biggest down.
If only it'd been, the other way around.

Oh Fate! Why must thou tease me ever so?
I want what I wish, and not what I know.

So tell me, quick. Shall I quit while ahead?
Or wait and find where my heart has been led?

I will never understand why every six months or so, Zack Gotsch contacts me in some way (facebook, text message, even a random phone call once) to ask how my life is going....

I'm fine. Life is fine. Why the fuck are you talking to me?

What a skeez. ... I don't know what that means, but that's the word I thought of.

please make this break up stop hurting. all i want is him back which is so pathetic, and all i can think about is him with that other girl.

god. i know im not the only person to go through this...but still. i just want to curl up somewhere and cry until i die.

I think it sounds much more awesome than watching children.

Also, Kanye West is fucking stupid.

If the president of the united states calls you an Jackass... you really need to rethink your life.

I'm also really frustrated that a friend of mine said that people only hate Kanye West because he is black. And maybe some crazy racists do hate him for that reason, but there are a hundred completely legitimate reasons to dislike him.

At this point, the only reason someone could like him is because he is black.

OMG WHAT THE FUCK KANYE WEST?!
I just took all his cds out of my car/rotation. Fuck you, dissing Taylor Swift like that. Asshole!
Okay.

SO! I am dead set on this London thing, but fuck that whole watching little kids things. I'll go back to that if this falls through, but, erm...I applied to several college of nursing over in London. (!!!) I know, right?! I'm like, bleeping excited about that.

Tell me what you think!

-embee

I've got a lot of friends who are stars...

...but some are just black holes...

So, I've been practicing the hair up do I'm doing tomorrow or Alex's wedding which turned out to be A LOT more complicated than I originally thought, and I almost gave up on it a few times (a lot), but it's finally done and I'm glad I didn't because it looks really awesome for something that starts off in a pony tail. Hurray for long hair! It took me, like, two hours though, so I'm gonna have to get up at like seven to have this ready. Gay.
Dennis is coming to pick me up at ten forty five, so I think I'll get up at eight. The hair is the hard part, and I shower fast. I'm really looking forward to seeing Alex get married. Yay!
And everyone complimenting my awesome hair. They better.

Nick and I got sushi tonight. That was nice. I sent my application in to live in London, so I'm waiting to hear back from them on that. Should be fun. Wonder if I'll get to wear my hair in awesome ways there, too. I'm sure I will.
I find myself fantasizing about this trip a lot.
Nothing else interesting. Saw 9, it was good.

-mb

You never texted me back. I thought you died. :( I'm sorry you feel "argh"-y.

It's because boys are shallow.

uuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh breaking up is the worst I hate it someone please kill me now.

p.s.
why do boys think that if they tell you youre pretty you should automatically be happier.
fuck.

I'm super excited to see Marybeth this weekend!!

Told William he should come get drunk with us and he wanted to know if there would be a threesome involved... "..." lol. Pretty sure he's joking...

Anyway. Working on getting the single fellas together.

Please...please tell me this isn't the start of round two.

First of all, it's 5 bucks.

Second of all, I want to go back to the playground!!

Third of all, why the fuck would I drive four hours to birthday parties of people who would no way in hell drive to mine? Besides the fact that EVERYONE turns fucking 21 this year. I don't see why everyone must act like they are the only one and therefore make it as big of a deal as... Michael Jackson's funeral. lol. idk where that came from. BUT SERIOUSLY! MTV needs to make a show called "My Super-fucking Stupid 21st!"

Fourth of all, I want to hear what happened. Like... yesterday! Why have I not received a detailed play-by-play!?

DONT SAY I DIDNT WARN YOU!
...just trying to be a good best friend and save you ten bucks.

Soo...Nick bailed on me tonight for a potluck (a party, don't let his jargon fool you) at a friends house. He says he'll make it up to me, but his wiener is not a good enough "make up", even though I know that's what he has in mind.
Dennis called me (his real name is Todd. Weird) tonight at seven asking me why I left him three urgent voice mails and I asked where he was, he said his apt, and then I promptly got on 70 and drove down to UMSL (he lives right next to campus) and we went to Seckman and Mastadon. I've been too afraid to go back to these places, but he bought me ice cream and that made me less nervous. When I stepped onto the elem playground I thought I would be sick for a second, but he said the funniest thing I had ever heard. He was pretending to be retarded when he said this, "I'm going to go to the movies, take out my junk and someone is going to get pregnant!"
I laughed so hard ice cream came out of my nose, no joke. He was talking about how if he went back to high school he'd use that line on girls and he would be a better hit with the ladies.
We went to the soccer field and he spun me around until I fell back with my usual grace and landed hard on my back and he landed about twenty feet away laughing.
It was nice. We talked about everything, and it felt good to be there with a good memory, although we probably won't go back, it's so damn far!

I have monday and tuesday off from work, i'm v. excited. so excited ive stopped using punctuation. hmmm.
popsicles are the best. ive been running so hard at the gym lately my legs are very angry with me. they should be in better shape, though they look awesome. stress is doing my body good.
see, i get stressed and then go to the gym for several hours until im so tired i promptly sleep for nine hours, and wake up happy and refreshed, ready to do it all over again.
i think i must be insane to pick this major. at least ill always have a job.
still, something easier...like fucking bum...that would have been good. maybe i could move in with my mom and mooch off all my friends.
sorry. that was a bit bitter. you know. im still better than them.

are you going to anyone's b-day part, cindy? I doubt I can, I can't really afford it, and plus I'll have to see Finan and what not, and I'm sure none of us can be civil. I know I can't. Why should I suck up to them? Exactly.
I am going to Shannon's though.
I am like the only person who doesn't need a national holiday made out of their b-day. Wonder what that's about. Must be my ego, it's not quite as large as eight busses.
Oops. I'm being mean again.
Okay, book time

Nick is reading a book. Can you believe it? Me either? I keep joking that I didn't know he could read.


-mb

Nope. didn't see it... why? Because I'm dating a recluse, who-I'm pretty sure- is allergic to sunlight.... which, added to the neck biting... has me a little concerned all of a sudden...

Listen... Final Destination are some of my favorite movies of all time. I'm going to see it... probably tomorrow.

DONT SEE FINAL DESTINATION 4. IT WAS CRAP!
Seriously. Rodney and I went to see it last night in non-three d (three d was sold out :( ) and half way though it I poked him in the shoulder and said, "SERIOUSLY?!"
I laughed more than I was afraid. They tried to make it more gruesome, but the guts and gore looked reaaaaaaaaally fake.

I'm so tired, but so comfy in my new pj pants.
Mmm.

Nursing majors are the best majors (not to mention the best looking majors...awwwww yeah!)

-marybethhellyeah!

mmm... first day of classes. Had to get up at 6:30 AM!!! That... is going to take some getting used to. It's like High School all over again. lol. Have a 10:30 class with William and Meggie (this awesome girl I work with), and then choir, and then work. I'm really going to hate working and taking classes. I already see the problems it will cause. Anyway, 9:30 class tomorrow then another at 10:30, and 12:30 and then working 2pm-10pm. ugh.

Not to my surprise I already have homework and a test next week.

Heather switched to a nursing major this year from psychology. I think MB and her may have more in common than I first realized. Very shocked that her and Jason broke up.

We have internet now, at long last, so that's a plus.

I'm very tired.

I'll write something more interesting later. Ciao!


PS MISS YOU!

I would like to take this next moment to be completely honest, with myself. I lie best to myself, it's a special talent you get when you have enough stuff happen, it makes it okay if you lie to yourself enough and say that.
Really, it's not, and deep down you know it. And I know it. I can pretend all I like, and I still will, I don't know how to be any different, and I don't want to be any different. I don't want people to try and break it down or try and make it better. I don't need you for that, I like who I am. You walk through my life and tell me how you come out. I don't think anyone can do it better than me, it's my life after all. I don't have to be your pretty princess, or good enough for you. I'm me, and most of the people I've ever met seem to think I'm just fine the way I am.
I said I didn't know why I loved the people I loved the most, but I do, and that's why. Nick, Cindy, Rodney, Dennis, four people I don't know how I ever got along without, are people who know what's wrong and don't mind. Those are rare people. I can't be good enough for you, and I'm tired of sitting here wishing I had tried to be better for you. I was the best you will ever have, and not the other way around. You told me what you wanted, and I jumped through hoops to give it to you, and you threw it away for a game. I've missed you and wished to have you, and I feel like I'm in a good spot to forget you now. I don't hope you want me forever, I hope you've gotten over it completely, it's all I wanted for you in the end. I just want you to admit, deep down to yourself, that you can't ever do better, no matter who you are with, she'll never be.
I am better than you.

Dennis and I went down to the flood wall and graffitied, I still have paint on my hands. I told him all the g stuff, and he laughed. Like, hardcore laughed, it made it seem funny to me, I was being really honest with him about it, and he was laughing. Then he said, "Damn. I don't think I'll ever be able to top Garrett," and went back to his drawing. He put it in perspective after that. He said he thought I was beautiful and smart, and he didn't understand why I would waste my time missing someone who could walk away so easily and not look back.
And honestly, if I had stayed broken up with Nick and dated Garrett, I would have loser friends who don't really like me and I would not have Dennis. And I would trade all of those redneck motherfucker piece of shit worthless stupid going nowhere with their lives douche bags ever day for the rest of my life just to have Dennis. I would trade like, eight people who have known me for years for one person who I met several months ago and still knows me better than any of them.
It feels good, like really good, to know if you call someone and say something, they really care. Makes me remember Loren, and how he barely knew me, and vice versa, but was so good, and Finan has known me for too long and is such a doucher.

So, seriously, when I say no more, I mean, no more. No more Garrett, not now, not ever, I don't miss him, I don't love him. He was a hologram , but Dennis is the real thing, he is what an actual male best friend should be, and that is not jealous and manipulative. It's an engineering major at UMSL who is actually nerdy and not fake nerdy, and can spray paint the fuck out of a side wall.
Hm.

I painted pretty pink flowers and detailed diagrams of cells. Dennis thinks we should teach the degenerates through spray paint, he will teach them math and I will teach them science, fuck that other stuff. He painted an equation and I was laughing, wondering if someone would solve it, which he claimed he would love forever.

Mmm. Helping Rodney pick out pants this week! I'm excited for that, his outfits are so...eclectic at best.
Terrible, in all honesty. Like he dresses in the dark.
I tease him about it a lot. And he teases me for being so...ignorant in the ways of slang. It's bad. Kinda funny, but mostly bad.

Gym time in a bit, gotta hulu my show first. It's nice to have a day off to fuck around and do shit. I enjoy those, so rare.

-marybeth

p.s. as soon as i figure out how to get the pictures off my phone I will post my pretty flower and Dennis' awesome...whatever they call it.

I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive...

...now I only waste it dreaming of you...

I rented Hannah Montana but haven't gotten to watch it yet. Nick is too busy watching Munich *yawn*.
So Friday I went to see HBP with Rodney. We'd been trying to see it together for several weeks but things kept popping up, so Friday it finally happened! He brought Mark. If Rodney is the older brother, then Mark is the awesome uncle. I had a blast. Halfway through the movie I whispered to Rodney that I thought Luna was the perfect girl for him.
He doesn't talk AT ALL during movies.
Also, is it just me or does 9 look fucking awesome?!

Okay, so today I'm at work texting away, and Rodney sends me a text saying, "If you were a HP character, you'd be Luna Lovegood hands down."
I was flattered and replied back, "A cute blonde?"
He reminded me of what I said to him in the movie, and it reminded me of the blog where I sited him as my possible soul mate.
I'm not interested, but it was interesting his thoughts were going somewhere similar. He's been with his GF for almost nine years.

Game night was tonight, I left early (like one thirty, if that counts). Had the best time, Chris and I set a bell boys body on fire with lubricant and complementary bottles of alcohol and then pretended to be CSI: St. Louis, and I masturbated a lot.
In the game, of course. Not in real life (although the CSI part is probably pretty likely).
Dennis came home a day early and didn't tell me, I was kind of upset! He called me in the middle of the game to tell me, and also inform me that he was going to hang with other people.
So when I left I called him back and asked if he wanted to do something tomorrow and we agreed to go spray painting at this one place where it is legal. I'm totally excited because I've never done it before, so it will be a fun experience for me. I'm sure I will take pictures.
Also, I'm going to ask him if he wants to go with me to get my tat. I told you what I was getting, right, Colbie's paw print on my shoulder (maybe, I haven't really decided, I just need it somewhere you can't see it, for my future job and all.). I'm going to ask him if he wants to make molds of her paws to see what comes out. Nick thinks we should cover her in paint and let her walk on paper and then I can pick out which paw print I like the best, but I don't think she will let me do that.
Making a mold seems easier and less messy, Colbie is a clumsy animal.
Like mommy like puppy.

I would also like to point out that I make them good girls go bad, and if you think any differently, you are only kidding yourself. That includes you, Cobra Starship.

I feel really good. Disregard that last emo blog, it was gay.
This is better. I feel better being with my friends.

-marybethizzle

Often I wonder about the people I love the most, and why, and a lot of the time I come up with nothing.

I've been spending a lot of time with Rodney, talking and watching movies, and I trust Rodney with my life. I told him he is the only person I have ever really been one hundred percent with, meaning, you know, I tell him everything. EVERYTHING. Things I don't tell Nick, or Cindy, or even admit to myself. I can't figure out why, maybe it's the lure of his dark skin, or I feel safe, I'm not sure, because I never notice myself doing it. It just happens, suddenly I'm blurting out all my deepest, innermost, self conscious, loathing, embarrassing thoughts, and what not.

I've been living inside my head a lot lately, I'm not sure why. I've reverted back to old ways, no crying, no sadness, no telling anyone what's wrong, just all i'm fines, all the time. I guess some habits take more than a boy with pretty eyes to break, although I know everyone likes to think one person can fix every problem about them. I wish that were true. My person is probably Rodney, and I find him far from a soul mate. More like an older brother who threatened to beat up Travis for calling me stupid.
I will never understand the obsession we have with finding the perfect person, especially when we are young. Is it because we're afraid we might never have the chance again? Or does it run deeper than that? Is it an actual longing to find one person who completes everything about you?
I, personally, do not think such a person exists. Like I said, mine is probably Rodney. I used to think it was G, and I don't think he will ever realize how close he came to getting me to leave Nick. Like, within millimeters. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had. I wish we had stayed friends, I wish it bad all the time, and I wonder if he really has just gotten over it like it seems. I don't look at any of his stuff, and I deleted all his numbers because I'm too tempted to beg for him to forgive me, and honestly, I don't think I need to be forgiven. I'm not saying he does either, we both did what he thought was right, nothing can change that now. Some things just hurt, and take time to get over, and it helps when you have someone like Rodney telling you that, if they/he really loved you/me, it wouldn't have been so easy to make him hate me. If it was the epic, soul defining love he claimed, nothing would have mattered, he would have waited, I would have left Nick, no matter how ugly we were to each other it would have worked.
I need to stop obsession over it. I'm glad I stayed with Nick. When I met Nick, it felt like I had known him forever, or at least, had been looking for him specifically forever, and now that I found him everything was right. I wish I could take back that awful month where I was the biggest bitch any girl could ever be to someone they claim to love. I can't believe he stayed, I said awful things, things I never dreamed I would be capable of saying...
I wish I could be two people, really. It doesn't matter anymore. Seriously. I don't mope about this all day, just sometimes you get that feeling of sadness, it's like a wave, something triggers a memory, and you find yourself wrapped up, missing things about them. Nothing really changed, but now I don't listen to Killswitch. The idea makes me sick and angry, and they weren't really that good of a band to begin with, although I did sing that song in rock band the other night. But I didn't enjoy it.

Colbie and I are still up. Nick bought me a blender, so I make fruit smoothies daily now. A belgian waffle maker would make my life complete.
And a toaster too, I guess.

Movie with Rodney tomorrow, and maybe some bowling with Nick. I don't really like bowling, I think his sister and fiance is going and thats why he wants to...ugh.
Game night Sat, and Sunday Dennis comes home.
I'm feeling more cheerful already!

-marybeth

I thought you guys hated Nicole? I'm confused, you should re-explain this to me.

Also, I know Phil doesn't like hearing it, but he reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllyyyyyy needs some professional help. Like, bad. I can't understand why he wouldn't want it, does he like being unhappy?
Meh, it's moot I guess..

I have nothing to blog about. My life has become boring as of late. School work school work blah. Some nights I watch movies with Rodney and talk. Dennis is in Florida, so I miss him. Cody's girlfriend is trying to get to know me, but I don't think she likes me still.
Bah.

I wish this song had been around sometime in May.
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die...

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop...

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Ahhhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Ahhhh already gone, already gone, already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye...

I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on,
So I'm already gone



Still bored...bskhfskyfisjf;slhfosj!
-marybeth

So I'm at Phil's... listening to him ramble.

ugh.

Debating between giving William this address. Probably shouldn't. I mean, I might want to say something really awful at some point. lol.

Phil: "Blah blah... Nicole hates me, I'm undatably... blah blah... I'm so awkward."

In Albany, abusing internet...

So, not much new, or interesting in my life I suppose. Clayton and Cindy may have broken up last night, which would be a bummer because I really like her.

We saw Chicago last night, which was awesome, but it rained all night so we wore these KKK-looking ponchos. I got really freaking wet, and William stayed perfectly dry, which we found out later was because my poncho was on inside out...

Walmart is retarded... or at least the customers are.

Me: How would you like that sliced?
Them: uhhhh... Deli slices I guess.
Me (thinking): You're in a gd deli... everything is a deli slice.

or my favorite is when the come up with a whole ham they picked up in the store and hand it to me. "Can you slice this on the thinest setting you have?" and I'm like, "Yeah, sure and I'll throw in my arm for free as it will have fallen off by the time I get that whole thing sliced." but what I really say is "The thinest setting will just shave this into tiny bits and it will look like dog food" and they usually get snappy at this point, "That's what I want!" so I cut it and they go back to their shopping and they come back in about 5 minutes and wonder why I'm not done yet... then I get the whole thing done and they come back and around half of them are like "I'm supposed to eat this? It's a pile of mush" and then most of them will refuse it and insist I cut another one, and a couple times I've been daring enough to say no, but Walmart is all about Customer service which is a load of shit and I hate it.

William and his mom are cooking lunch currently. Some kind of chicken. He's been really great all weekend. No WoW, and he's been really sweet. Details if you want them will have to be in text form, because I'm not lame enough to ramble on and on here. Ok, I probably am, but for once, I won't.

Back to the ville around 3 *sigh* I hate having only one person in town, and that person being Phil, whom I can only take so much of. He's a nice guy, but he's getting more and more emo the more I hang out with him.

The people I work with are at least fun, well most of them, and the ones that aren't we just bitch about when they aren't there. lol. It's good bonding I think.

That's all I got right now. Roomies are moving in soon, kind of bummed/kind of psyched.

No one runs faster than you...

Okay, so awesome, Dennis and I talked about Nick and what not today. I tend to keep me and Nick intensely private, but Dennis and Nick have known each other since they were kids, so no worries. Dennis told me he thought Nick was one of the better dudes he had ever met, which meant a lot to me, because Dennis is my favorite person up here, and I don't want another Garrett on my hands.
Besides, Dennis understands my insane love for Gogel Bordello. He was asking me if I liked The Offspring, and after I finished puking, he said he liked punk rock, what with its screaming guitars and emotional lyrics, and I said if he liked punk he should listen to Gogel Bordello....and his whole body convulsed. It was beautiful, I may have proposed marriage at one point, I can't be certain.
I got him into Amon Amarth, which is viking metal and very good. I recommend them to anyone who doesn't count The Offspring among their favorite bands, or want Three Days Grace to play a concert in their city OMFG kill me.
I like Dennis so much, other than the fact that he is intensely nerdy (engineering major), or an honestly good person, is that he totally gets everything about me. I don't talk about my relationship with Nick ever? Awesome, forget it. I burst out screaming at ten in the morning at the douche bag who woke me up, he thinks it's fucking funny. Just..I dunno.

...no I don't want to think of you anymore...

I got him the best house warming gift. He sent me a text asking if I would be his Maid Of Honor in his wedding to his futon, which is apparently this epic futon. He's moving into an apt somewhere around UMSL this month, so I got him a fleecey hard core metal blanket (its actually just a fleecey blanket, I threw the other stuff in to make it sound more bad ass.). He thinks I'm getting him something to do with his crock pot. HAH. No.
I need to blog about something else, but nothing else really fantastic has been going on. I feel so lucky to have everything working out for me right now. Even my job, did I mention I got a raise?
I did.

Now I'm distracted by Coheed and Dennis trying to figure out how to make meth in his new apt.

-mb

You're a selffish little whore..

...if I had my way I'd crush your face in the door...

I've been extra obsessed with Coheed and Cambria lately. Not sure what that's about.

So my internet is back, thank the baby Jesus! Three days without it and I become more productive than I ever thought possible.
A lot has happened but I don't feel like typing any of it.

Okay, a little.

One, I found my awesome flowered headband and wore it to work today and received many compliments on it.
Two, I am still better than everyone I knew in highschool minus Cindy. It's even there.

Dennis is like, my best friend. I'm trying to be careful not to tread that fine line, but he told me today I was his muse, and that's upsetting. I mean, it's cool, but I'd like a friend who is clear on where we stand. I'm too bat shit scared to say anything to him about it, because I'm a pussy. We're going to Culpeppers Friday, I'm going to lay the shit down there and be like, "Hey, I know I'm like, super fucking hot, but we are only friends."
I like that he buys me drinks when we go out though. Hope he keeps doing that.
Cody and Rodney and I have been awesomeing it up lately. We had lunch together and saw some movies and talked about Cannibal Holocaust (DONT WATCH IT!), and I'm pretty sure we're going to the zoo soon.
Woot!

I had a dream that Nick and I had a baby and then Nick died. I woke up all freaked out in the middle of the night and told him not to die. He said, "you don't die, either," all sleepy and sweet like and then held my hand. I feel back asleep and had more ridiculous dreams of Bob as my dad.
I think I had that dream because Nick and I picked out baby names the other night. I love when he brings up things like that, makes it better. I liked the name Arabella, but he has his heart set on Isabella (I know, right?!), so we have Isabella and David. I love the names so much.
Things like that make me feel warm inside. Warmer than usual, but not like I have a fever.

Mmm, so my paper is coming along nicely, if you are interested, Cindy. agoraphobia is a very serious phobia. All I know is that all the sources I've looked up, and people I've talked to agree that sufferers don't venture out into new spaces. It has something to do with a feeling of not being able to escape. They can, but it's accompanied by a panic attack, and is not just anxiety. I dunno. I won't bore you with the specs. But if you want to read it I can e-mail it to you.
I wish I had gotten Hematophobia- the fear of blood.
Don't ask why, it's just the one I wanted.

Anyway. Peace

-mb

I remember you

...you took the easy way out when I gave you something to stand for.

Interesting things that have happened recently.

*Someone coming back into work who had previously been through my line to ask for my gamer tag. We had been talking about nazi zombies. Must be the nerds way of asking for a phone number, but it was cute, all the same.

*A lady at work asking Bob and I if we were married. Um...do either of us look like we are old/young enough to be married to each other. Compound the awkward with Bob saying, "Well, she's kind of like my work wife..."

*Seeing HBP with my mom and Anne yesterday, Anne is my moms oldest friend, and we are all pretty sure I got my personality from her and not my mom.

*Pretty blue flip flop earrings from my mom

* My Immortal fan fic, it's so terrible it's funny. Google it, Liz told me about it and I die every time I read it. Best part is Dumbledore screaming "MOTHERFUCKER!" or her, "Crying blood tears down my pallid face."
Just google it and then watch the dramatic reading.

*Seeing movies with Cody and Rodney

*HP movie night at Rodney's house.

Things that are not that awesome

*Having to borrow money from my mom

*Feeling extreme shame for asking her for money. I haven't asked her for money since I was sixteen.

*Being broke all the tme

*Back to school at Office Depot

*Being in a car accident

*Being hit by an angry black man with no insurance

*Rodney being transferred to a different store

..

I think that covers my life right now.
-embee

wow... awesome... glad I came to Albany to watch William play on the computer, though... I guess I should have expected as much.

He always tries to explain what's going on in the game when I'm not even looking at his screen and then I am expected to stop what I'm doing to try and grasp the concept of World of Warcraft or whatever...

Oh well... lesson: Go to St. Louis next time, regardless of any circumstances.

Clayton is here too. Pretty cool, gives me someone to talk to while William is ignoring the fact that I drove 2 and a half hours so that he could continue to do all of same things he does while I'm not here.... as though I wasn't...

Maybe I'm being too demanding. I mean, what else would we be doing?


________________________________________________________


I have not read the 7th HP book. Perhaps I should, but I have quite a few other things on my "to read" list that I need to attend to first.

Ok, look up the movie Fan Boys (don't remember if it's one word or two) if you haven't heard of it... I have to see that movie... lol.

I've been so lazy lately. Like, I had a ton of stuff I "had to get done" before I left this morning, and I did one thing... went and paid the rent, because I feel like that's important... lol. I'd rather not live on the streets of kirksville. I mean, hobos in St. Louis can get a little money off of people, but there's no one here to get money from. We're all broke college students.

Looking forward to classes starting up. Taking some cool ones this semester. Death and Dying being the most worth-mention.

Spoiler alert: Voldermort dies.

"I have spied for you and lied for you, put myself in mortal danger for you. Everything was supposed to be to keep Lily Potter's son safe. Now you tell me you have been raising him like a pig for slaughter-"
"But this is touching, Severus," said Dumbledore seriously. "Have you grown to care for the boy, after all?"
"For him?" shouted Snape. "Expecto Patronum!"
From the tip of his wand burst the silver doe: She landed on the office floor, bounded once across the office, and soared out of the window. Dumbledore watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, and his eyes were full of tears.
"After all this time?"
"Always," said Snape.

--

I rebought the Harry Potter 7 book yesterday with a burning desire to both be in a book store and read it. I had read it hungrily the first day I got it, then let Finan borrow it, and at this point I know I'm never getting it back. Finan is not worth the gas to drive down there and get my stuff, I figure fifteen dollars is well worth the price, about the same of driving down to get my shit back.
Anyway, this whole chapter made me sob hysterically the first time I read it (I was a mess back then), and I thought if I re-read it I would gain perspective, and maybe it wouldn't be as sad as the first time, that Snape would seem pathetic to me, that the book would not be as good as I remembered, etc etc.
I got to the chapter tonight, and I was home alone. Nick had gone to Nate's, he usually does on Monday nights since I'm at work. I don't really mind anymore, I like being alone.
Reading the chapter did not change my perspective. I still cried really hard, still found the whole idea really compelling, and still found Snape to be my favorite character.
Now, I know it's lame that I'm blogging about a fictional character, but you bailed on me, so shut it.
The idea that someone can be in love with another person is a weird concept to me. To show unconditional love for as long as we live almost seems to go against human nature. This has been show to me fairly recently with promises of soul mates and undying love that turns on and off like a light switch. I have always believed in love, and that you don't really get to decide who you fall in love with, because if you could, why would you pick the person you are with? Why would I choose to fall in love with Nick, someone who complicates me, drives me up a wall, can make me scream at the top of my lungs for days on end ?
Wouldn't you want someone safe and reliable, who will always answer the phone when you call, who never stays out late, someone who agrees with what you say, who thinks they're lucky to have you and not worthy, and someone who doesn't pee all over the toilet seat?
Well of course. But that's not really the holy fuck love we all dream about, is it? Love is hard. If it were easy they would stop making movies about it, stop writing songs about it, stop writing books, poems, everything. People would not crave it, dream, fantasize, wish, hope, pray for/about it. It would be common, it would be someone we all have.
If this were love, Snape would have been with Lily, and I would have no cause to cry my way through chapter thirty three. I wouldn't have chosen to stay with Nick, Cindy would not still be my best friend.
I think that's why I enjoy Snapes ending so bad. I always like the underdogs, and my favorite characters are always like this, I think I must see myself in them. Certainly I Snape and I are both cutting and sarcastic, though I don't think I could pull the cape off as well as him.
His love for Lily was hard and complicated, and he spent his life loving her.
I guess I worried for a while that I made a mistake, that I should have chosen the easy option, that I should be begging for forgiveness, that me and Nick can be volatile and explosive, too passionate and emotional than is good for any human being.
I wanted to re-read the book specifically for the Snape chapter, specifically to see how I felt, if maybe I was making a mistake.
But I knew, like I knew back then, that it wasn't. Maybe Nick and I aren't Severus Snape and Lily Potter, maybe in four years from now we will part ways, but how could I give up a good thing, something so perfect for me? Me, who is sarcastic, and cutting, and loud, and sometimes really cynical and demanding and all sorts of things, why would I give up the one person who I ever met who not only understands all of that without me ever having to explain one part of it to him, but, at his worst, brings out the best in me?
At her worst, she brought out the best in him.
I will always regret my time with Garrett, because none of it was real. Everything we had was faux, pretend, how can you love someone as deeply as we claimed when it was so easy for us to let each other go. Sometimes I wonder if he hurts as bad as I do, if he misses me as much as I miss him, but I regret him harder than I miss him, and the feeling is a sinking ship in my stomach. He's my death eater, if we stick with the HP metaphor here. He said all the things I wished Nick would say, was a link to the friends I've always wanted so desperately to like me, he was cocky and arrogant, and it was easy to forget why I loved Nick so much I moved in with him four months after dating. Nick and I were fighting. I said awful, terrible things, things I regret terribly, all because I thought I wanted to be with someone who had very little respect for me, in the end, who lied to me over and over and never felt sorry for it, who turned people I liked against me to make his own ego feel better.
My story is different, much different from the book. I am young, I make mistakes. That does not excuse them, but I learn from them, I better myself, I move on.
I have had hard ship in my life, stuff people experience throughout an entire lifetime, not in twenty short years, and I know without a doubt I am a better person for all of them, that it is easy to put me under a microscope and pick me apart, and call me crazy, to tell me to go back to my medication, but I can't imagine anyone living through things like that and coming out a beautiful, intelligent, strong individual such as myself who is willing to help those around her, and is not bitter.
I know that my story, life and love, will be an interesting one, and it will be extraordinary because I chose it to be so. That I did something amazing and beautiful with my life, that I helped someone else, that I loved fiercely, was incredibly loyal, and was decent my entire life.
This are all things I love about Snape's character. He was loyal and fierce, brave and honest, and I think you could learn a lot from him.
Despite that he is a fictional character of course...
--

And Snape left the room. Harry rose up out of the Pensieve, and moments later he lay on the carpeted floor in exactly the same room: Snape might have just closed the door.

--

-embee

Case open, case shut..

...but you could pay to close it like a casket.

You never texted me back, I hope you're aware of that. You were supposed to entertain me. On Fridays I don't work, and I don't go to school, it's my one day I always have off *angelic chorus*, but the other day Steve (store manager) called and asked if I would come in, and so I did.
It was kind of a bummer because Courtney and I were supposed to hang. I don't really want to drive all the way down to hang out, but trying to talk her into coming up here is most likely very pointless. She's never seen my apartment though, wtf? Oh well. Maybe I will just never go down and see her house.
Okay, that's a lie, I'm sure I will help her move or something.
Anyway, so I worked today and it was fucking boring. So boring. I ended up getting to leave early, like, one o clock early instead of eight like I had thought, and I was tempted to call Courtney and go out, but I fell asleep for six hours instead.
Omg it was so beautiful. It was a perfect nap, I fell asleep and didn't even realize I had slept that long until a text message from Cody woke me up.
It's going to suck when I try to go to bed tonight, I have an 8.30-5 shift tomorrow, but I will always love that nap. *wipes away tear* I've never taken a more perfect nap when I've not been sick.

PLEASE COME DOWN AND SEE ME.

Okay, so a lot of times I ask Nick to do something over and over again and he doesn't do it, and when I say something about it he'll say/text "love you" and it drives me bat shit crazy, but I've finally gotten him back.
Every morning I eat a bowl of honey nut cheerios, and no matter how little of cereal I pour I find it impossible to finish the whole bowl. Don't know why, must be a psychological crazy thing. Or not. But Nick gets so frustrated if I leave the bowl out instead of dumping it in the sink. He will text me when he finds it (because now I've been leaving the bowl in fun spots for him to find!), or remind me when I get home, and I just smile and say, "Love you!" and I know he is close to snapping. My neck, probably, but it is just do worth it.

I wanted to share that moment with someone. He's defrosting some chicken, in the hopes that I will cook. God damn it. I was kinda thinking I would eat ramen, but I forget that he doesn't like stuff like that. I could shake and bake it, right? Yeah. That's easy enough.

Okay, this blog is totally snooze-ville.
bye!

-mb

Ok, in the library, borrowing internets.

So, I think I may have annoyed William the other day. Feel kind of bad. I complain too much, I've decided, and I'm going to make my best effort to not do that. It's just a goddamn job. What people say to me does not matter, and it should have little effect on my life. Also, I think maybe I call too much. Though, I only do because I have nothing to do here (especially without internet) and I happen to like talking to him, but maybe everyday is too much. I mean, I don't think so, but I'm crazy so... yeah.

Was going to go to Albany Tuesday of next week and leave Thursday morning since MB's not off work, but... I don't want to impose, and I think there's a slight chance he's getting sick of me lately. I would to, I mean, if I had to listen to me bitch all the time. No more bitching. I will bitch at blogger or something. I mean, I really want to see him, but I can wait until the 14th. *sigh/groan* I wish I could just read his goddamn mind sometimes.

So maybe I'll go home anyway, and play with the dogs while MB's at work or something. I mean, I went to work while she was here so...

I hate that no one is in Kirksville!!

Mom and Kelly were here for like... 2 seconds. They got here at 2am last night and then left at 1:30 this afternoon. I was just kind of like "..."

I'm kind of irritated with myself. *sigh*

Sorry I don't post very often.

On the brighter side of things, classes are completely over with until the next semester starts. I have enough money to live on and save up. And... for a little while longer I still get to enjoy living alone, which I've decided I really like. It was awful at first because I got scared...a lot. Now that I've gotten over that (for the most part) I feel so much more independent. Plus, I like having a lot of me-time. My only complaint is that without internet... I get pretty bored of myself. lol.

I will be chipper... this is a demand I am putting on myself right now.
Yesterday was pathetic. I mean, it was a really bad day, but I shouldn't have called William crying about it when he's in the middle of enjoying his day.

Blah.

Blah.

I'm out of things to say, I think. Guess I'll head home.

I think the surplus of blogs is coming from the fact that I find myself constantly attached to my laptop. I take it with me everywhere at this point, and not even for my usual tomfoolery, like playing diner dash in my pharmaceuticals class, which, for the record, makes it more interesting.
It's a love story here. Plus I am never going to get my degree at the rate I procrastinate. Just sayin, even Megan Barone has her LPN at this point, and wtf do I have?
Oh yeah, that's right, I have nothing. Not that it isn't completely my fault, but STILL. Imagine that in a high pitched whiney voice. I don't want my LPN, in all fairness, I want a BSN, which is much better, and only a skip, hop, jump, and knife wound away from a masters degree in mother fucking nursing, and why the fuck did I decide I had to do this anyway? Like, I remember deciding on this, it was when Nick was wondering if he should do Veterinary Medicine, and I said, hm, I should do nursing. Let me call the nursing college and apply and shit because I want to do the things I am completely terrible at, such as math, science, chemistry, and trying to empathize with other peoples problems, oh, and not being bloody sarcastic all day. AWESOME !*^$@*^!*^#@())!&*~~~!
And I hate heroin. Just for the record. I hate talking about it, thinking about it, the fact that I accidentally just erased everything I had JUST written about it. paraphrasing other peoples well thought out articles into my words...just...Drugs are bad, m'kay?

Ranty ranty? It's nice to take a break. I sent my boyfriend out to play music, and now I'm soooo bored. I keep thinking about the gym but it's not late enough (like to avoid the abnoxious asian in there between nine and ten thirty), so instead I'm listening to Taylor Swift and blogging while pretending I have nothing else going on.
Went to Mastodon Park today. I have no fucking idea why I went, because clearly it fucks with my brain, I'm wandering down the trails thinking about how I miss doing it, and then I texted an apology to G, and I'm sure he told everyone that I'm so pathetic and begging for him back, although I did want him to text me back and I would tell him where I was, and he meet me there, and we could talk, but...gack. Anyway, he didn't say anything back, and it's probably for the best, I'm sure the nothing good would come out of it, I mean, just because we WERE friends doesn't mean we still can be, despite the fact that I miss talking to him. I am pathetic. Man.

People are people and sometimes we change our minds, but it's killing me to see you go after all this time...

Hmmm...my sister is still in love with the heroin (THERES THAT WORD AGAIN!!) addict, I don't know how to change her mind.

New topic, back to that one in a minute. So, I wrote my dad a fucking five page letter, and he fucking wrote me back. OMFG. I made Nick read it first, and then I read it to my mom over the phone and called my G-pa Jim, and then wrote back. Nick thought what I wrote back was really mean, but, I mean, I don't know how to be nice to someone like him. I don't want to be nice to him. My mom told me that if my mind was made up and I was sure I didn't want a relationship with him that I should just completely call him out, and I did, and it felt good, although my pen was shaking the whole time I wrote. I mean, I should have to be hurt over and over by him, even if he is my dad. I dunno. I mean, I'm not going to lie and pretend like I never wanted him around, but the reality of the situation is that he wasn't, and my life was shaped without him, and at nearly twenty one, I don't feel like it's necessary to have a dad figure in my life. My mom can walk my down the isle when I get married.
It makes me feel all knotty thinking about it.

I'm really tempted to call Dennis and ask him to come over and play Biosphere with me, but then we'll be here until fucking three in the morning, and I'm not sure how Nick feels about Dennis. They used to be pretty good friends in high school, or so Nick says, but Nick thinks he's weird, which is probably because Dennis smoked a lot of pot. He swears he doesn't now, and knows that I would kill him if he did, but still..

Oh. Nick came home. Yay!

-mb

I have internet for a few moments! Hurray! Must type quickly!

Watched some movies and stuffed ice cream in my face last night because I wasn't tired (I slept for like 2 whole days!! *sigh*)

Anyway, trying to suppress the urge to call William every day. I have nothing interesting to say, and usually just ramble on about nothing until he's finally like, "I'm going to go now..." lol. I felt bad last night though, because I was unintentionally not letting him speak and I think he got a bit irritated with me. He's at his dad's in KC right now, so I shouldn't really be calling anyway since he doesn't go there too often. It'd be so much easier if I had internet... I could message him when I have something interesting to say, and he can ignore me if he wants. lol.

The free internet apparently moved out with my psycho neighbors, so... win-lose I suppose.

I doubt this will even post but I'll try while I can.

I don't blame you for being you..

...but you can't blame me for hating it..

I still smell like sunscreen. Apparently the smell will never go away.
Yesterday we went to six flags, it was the last ten dollar tuesday, and I begged Nick to take the day off (or call in, whatever) and go.
We went with Leo, Kristen, Kate, and Eduardo (Edward+O, he's mexican too), and had a really awesome time, Leo and I got our picture taken with Batman and Robin and I got to hug Sylvester, who is my fave Looney toon!
It was kind of a bummer because around fourish it started to rain, and we were in Hurrican Harbor, Eduardo was next up on the green slide, Nick behind him when they shut the park down. I know Nick was disappointed, we waited in line forever.
All the park rides were awesome, wish I could have ridden on evil kenival ride, but the line was sooo long all the time. Kristen, Kate, Leo, and Ed all went on the Super Man, but Nick didn't want to, and that ride still gives me nightmares, so him and I wandered off, he won me a polar bear yay! And we rode the moon cars, which used to take you along a pretty long track. Now it just goes around in a circle, we were pretty bummed.
Anyway though, it was a nice night, and I got a lovely phone call from Courtney asking when we were going to hang out next, and Leah wanting to have lunch tomorrow. I have to remember to text her and tell her I'm working.

Mmm, so that's awesome, Saturday is game night again, looking forward to spending more time with Cody, if nothing else, I love that kid to death. He called me the other night really angry with Dustin's behavior, so we filed a report against Dustin. It was over due.

I guess today I'm going to clean. And watch my show. Sounds good.
Alright...peace. You should try and post more Cindy, you only post when you are upset.
Gay.

-embee

p.s. Dear Brittany Mesle. Get the fuck over it. I am still better than you, despite what he may be saying to you, you will never mean anything to him, and if you think you're more special, or whatever, you are only kidding yourself. He will do to you what he did to me, which is lie to your face, and pretend to be someone he is not.
Besides, don't you have to leave your house to go on dates?
If you can't be a big enough bitch to say it to my face, don't be pathetic enough to say it behind my back.
With love,
Marybeth

p.s.s. I agree with Cindy, you are still an idiot.

House was shit, so hurray! I like the apartment we have, and I just finished decorating it!

He wants to go looking at others, so I guess we will, but I am really picky. He was giving me shit about that, but seriously, he wants to raise children in this house, I'm not bringing small babies into a house that isn't goddamn perfect.
So we'll see.

At any rate, I have my dogs and boyfriend and friends, and for now, that is good enough.

-mb

I've been beaten down..

..I've been kicked around...

Today is actually a really nice day. I love walking out of the building and have a perfect sunny day shining out at me. Plus I don't have to work, and I was thinking about taking my shit ton of homework to the zoo to work on, which I do occasionally seeing as how school is right next to Forest Park, and I actually cut through the park to get to school and back anyway (until 64 is completed I'm taking the back way, I hate 70, and going all the way down to 44 is stupid.
But anyway, I decided not to go to the park in favor of coming home, I was thinking about a nap or something, but it's too nice for that either. I don't even know why I'm blogging, I have my running shorts/shirt/shoes/hair on, I was going to take the dogs to Creve Coeur park on the duck trail, which no duck could ever walk, it's about four miles long. I am pretty sure Jasper will be able to handle this, I know Colbie can, we've walked it before.
Mmm, so yeah. Cody just called, sorry I was afk. Not that you notice.

If you were so hormonal, you could have called and cried to me, I wouldn't have minded. I know what it's like, when I started mine this month I had a big old sob fest, which felt fucking awesome. Also it was embarrassing because Nick was like, wtf.
Speaking of wtf, Nick is obsessed with buying a house. He has found one, he called them about it today, they're going to call him back about whether he can have it or not, and my mind if boggled. He didn't tell me he was thinking about moving into a house at all, so as far as I knew, he was fine with the apartment. Apparently not. He keeps throwing around words like 'investment' and 'back yard' and 'you can paint the kitchen yellow', and I get distracted. It's in a really nice neighborhood, three bedrooms, one bath, a basement, a backyard for the puppies...
Me, Nick, and his dad are going to look at the inside of it today, I'm kind of excited, but also pretty scared, I mean, I panic when it comes to commitment like things, and not in the gay, "oh ryan dumped me, I can never love again" way, but in the, "my dad abandoned me as a child, step dad beat me up, and was raped when seventeen (be proud I just said the word, it's a big step)" way, and I'm trying to get over it, and Nick let me rant and ramble it out last night, so at least I'm not keeping it in. I told him all I wanted was to finish school, settle down, and have kids. We talked about how we didn't want me to get fat when we had babies, which was funny.
So I'll let you know how the house tour goes later. I'm sure once I see it I will love it. Maybe. It might be awful. But I like the idea that this house will be our first home, we might have children in it, I will graduate in it...and I get to be back in Maryland Heights, woot.

Alright. Nick is here, peace out.

-embee

...and there will always be chocolate milk in my fridge.

I've been super ridiculous hormonal today, and I hate myself a little for it, whilest also realizing that it's not something I could've helped.

My period decided to be a little bitch and visit me a week early...much to my surprise. So, of course, everything upset me today, and I tried to hide it. I took a nap during the Mage game (like V:tM but you're magic, and still alive...and you don't drink blood...and you're not inherently damned.) I felt bad since I was hosting, but it was better that than killing someone, so... I feel like I may have done the world a favor.

Anyway, I was really sad that I didn't get to spend a whole lot of time with William one-on-one, which, looking back now doesn't really bother me. I had a blast, but when we finished the game much later than expected I was near tears because I knew he would basically have to pack and leave.

I think what the real problem was, though, was that I didn't get any me-time this weekend, which is pretty essential when I'm in a hormonal hurricane, because I have to cry in order to feel better, but I don't want to cry while there are two boys in my house. lol. Too much "What wrong!?"

Is it normal to be super upset like that? I'm thinking it probably is. Hormones build up and the only way to release them is through tears, so I took a good cry after William left and now I feel much better, except that I'm a little bummed I was so short with everyone today. What can you do though? right?

School really needs to start up. I kind of wish I wasn't getting roommates though. I really like the freedom I've got right now. No offense to them. I'm just worried how different it's going to be (and how much quieter William and I will have to be. lol.)

I could definitely wake up next to him every morning. I was kind of sad that he had to sleep on the floor in the other room this weekend, but I didn't want Jason to feel awkward.

Now ash yourself, yeah, out from the inside...

...I said I loved you but I lied..

I wish I could use that line someday and it be the truth, but I don't think it's really the best thing to lie about love. I know some people do, or they "think" they love you, but wake up one morning and suddenly don't, and I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way. I mean, I've loved people before, I love people now, and when/if those people walk out, I get that crushing feeling on the inside, that feeling in the pit of your stomach like you got punched over and over.
I feel that way a lot lately. It's definatly better, but every once and a while it creeps back up on me and I want to lay in bed and just relive everything over and over.
This isn't about G, by the way. What happened between me and him, that doesn't involve anyone else. No one else knows shit about it, except me and him. And he can tell whomever he wants whatever he wants, as can I, but what actually happened, and what we say happened (respectively), is most likely not how it actually was.
I wanted to talk about friends, but it's so tired. Yeah yeah, we get it MB, they say they want you to be happy until you don't do what they want you to do. Then they hate you, blah blah blah. I mean, seriously, that's not much more to it than that. I can blame it on G, or anyone else, and while he played a minor role in it, if I had dated him instead, wouldn't it have just been another thing another time to make them dislike me? It' not even about him being good looking (not saying he is) (but I don't like ugly people.), or smooth like oil, it's about the fact that, if people really like you, and care about you, you can fuck up over and over and they still want you to be their friends.
Like me and Cindy. How many times have I wronged you, and yet here we are, sharing a blog like a proud emo parent? The friends I have up here, whom I have known for way less time (but love so much), no matter what fucked up, crazy, stupid, random thing I do, while they may say, "you know, Marybeth, I don't agree with that," it's never snarky backhanded shit like I'm so used to. I'm still waiting for it, but I don't think it's coming.
These people complete me, or at least get me. We played VTM last night...I'll explain it in a second. nb (- Jaseper just crawled into my lap)
I just want to say, that even though him and I ended in the complete opposite way I wanted to, I miss the fuck out of him sometimes. It's hard, talking to a person every day about everything, and being in love with them to just hate. Maybe he's better at it than me, I don't know. I'm sure he feels I wronged him completely, and everything is all my fault, but I never pretended that this way anything but what it was. I was with Nick. I loved Nick.
I wish I could have been nicer, but at the same time, I'm glad he finally realized that not speaking was going to be the only way to get away from this. I wish I had told him not to go, but it was for the best. I don't regret where we are now, I'm sure he is happier, I am too. I hate what he said to me, but seriously, after what I said, I kind of had it coming. At any rate, if we never speak again, if he is just some person who walked in my life just to walk back out the revolving door, I'm glad he was there, and I miss him. That's it. This doesn't have to be me saying that he was the best I will ever have, because I don't think that. I think he was like, my best friend, and I miss our chats, but if he's happy and I am too, I can let it be.
Hopefully this is the last time I talk about him. I feel peace with the situation, not so angry. If he's happy with those people, thats okay with me. He said he saw them for who they really are, I hope he remembers it always.

Okay. Enough with the emo gay.
V:TM, last night, omg, I have never laughed so hard in my entire life, I swear on my life.
Okay, so I played a Nosferatu (of course, I really deep down wanted to, and they think Toreadors are homos anyway, so...yeah) named Otto with a dissociative personality disorder (multiple personalities). I won't bore you with his specs (but he is fucking seven feet tall and only has a stump for a right hand), but his flaw was masturbation, and they couldn't get over that.
Liz, the moderator, made us list everything that was in our pockets. Here is what were in mine:
o a watch
o a butter knife
o tiny LED flashlight
o swiss army pocket knife
o lighter
o cigarettes
o lubricant
o ten dollars and 58 cents (10 ones, 2 quarters, 1 nickle, 4 pennies)
o 10 feet of rope
o blond Marilyn Monroe wig
o handcuffs
o cell phone
o burger king coupons for small drink with purchase of a reg. meal
o keys on a ring
o bottle opener
o 7 paper clips
o 4 rubber bands
o Ritenour class ring
o 2 ink pens
o ink cartridge refill kit
o old school nintendo controller
o 4 gb flash drive
o stuffed rabbit

The keys on the ring could be keys to the whole city if I wanted, I had to roll luck to see if I had the ones to the strip club, but I didn't.
Me and Chris basically ganged up on Dennis' character, who played a Toreador coked out with a spirit mentor of Rick James. Chris played a skin head Norweigan Ventrue, Cody and Sarah were playing...oh...what's it called...the gypsie one...Cody was being changed, he was a stripper named bucket...like, money bucket...or cum bucket...and Alex played a Malkavian so fucking deranged that he went into the sewer looking for ninja turtles. It sounds lame here, maybe, but omg, I died, I was laughing so hard, it was just ridiculous. At the end of the game Cody had rabes.

Today at Office Depot I stumbled upon a tiny mouse stuck on a glue pad used for trapping mice. I tried to get over the fact that it was going to die, but could not, and when Rodney and Mark both said they didn't think he could be saved, I'm not going to lie, I cried. Just, like, a tear, because then I realized I was more resourceful than that. So I got on google, looked up what could free it, and found vegetable oil. Nick brought me up some veg oil, and Mark went outside with me to help free the mouse.
AND I FUCKING DID. I was worried I would drown it in oil because it's nose was stuck on the pad, and Mark thought it would take a long time to break down the adhesive, but his legs and tail were loose and slippery quickly (DONT WORRY, I WORE GLOVES), and when he was completely free I pulled his nose off of the stick pad with the little mouses help. He was pretty limp, but I left him some water, and reminded him not to go back in doors, but I'm really glad I saved him.
Mark said he was really proud of me, and didn't think it was possible, but seriously, I knew we could free the mouse. I just didn't know how. SO yay!

My good deed, and I did it because the thought of that little mouse dying like that, slowly and painfully starving made me feel sick and uncomfortable.
I don't think I'm a bad person. No one else wanted to help it but me.

Anyway, time for some television now. Mark promised to check tomorrow and make sure the mouse was gone, or lie to me and say it was.
-embeee

Cause I'll be there in the back of your mind from the day we met...

Til the very last night, and it's just too bad you've already had the best days of your life..


Awesome moments in my life, volume one.
OMFG it finally happened. After nearly twenty one years on this planet wishing that it would, it did.
I woke up after going to sleep with messy crazy hair, and woke up with perfect hair.
I knew, I just knew, that if I believed hard enough it would happen. I didn't notice it at first, I wandered around sleepily in my pajamas, looking for a poptart and then went into the bathroom to turn on my straightening iron and had an OMGF moment (yeah, thats OH MY GOD FUCK, btw).
I brushed it, just to make sure it was going to stay and not be destroyed by my touching it, but then sprayed shine spray and a light mist of hair spray, and then voila! Twenty extra minutes to do nothing with!
Everyone commented on how nice it looked, it curled perfectly, it was soft...mmm. I don't want to wash it ever.

So anyway, that's that. Just wanted to share my joy with that.

Here by myself, kinda lonely. Jaspers being all bouncy, he's funny.

peace out nigs

-marybeth

Do you ever feel retarded?

Well I do most of the time.

I feel really stupid for being upset the other night. I talked to Clayton of all people and he was basically like, "gtfover yourself." ok, not really, not really at all. He was really sympathetic, but he also told me some things William has said to him about me and what-not, and it made me realize that I was making something out of nothing. Maybe I just needed a reason to be upset, I don't know.

Anyway, I thought you still talked to Courtney? And I can take a weekend off and come down for your bday :D but I'm not 21 so...

They say they only want the best wishes for me...

Oh three, two, one, we go live...

Ugh. I don't think I've changed that much, other peoples love still kind of weirds me out, and I'm still sarcastic and emotion bottling, so..


My mom just texted me telling me to start thinking about what I wanted to do for my birthday. It's July, I know, relax, its a my mom thing. She's probably had it planned since I was born. Anyway though, I've never made a big deal out of my birthdays. I'm not really a hey, look at me, bring me gifts because I managed to make my way out of my moms vagina safely. Or any big event, really. Didn't have a grad party, sweet sixteen...I don't know why, just didn't want any of it.
Anyway, so I guess I'm bummed about this because I always kind of figured I would do something with my girl friends or something, and now I know I'm not. Makes my eyes tingle in that you want to cry way but you can't because then your boyfriend will notice and want to talk to you about it.
Anyway, I asked mom what she wanted to do, because I can spend a birthday with my mom, and she said she figured she'd get me after the fact (my mom can drink pretty hard), and that I would go out with my friends, and I responded with what friends. They hate me, remember.
Yes.
I mean, I know it shouldn't bother me, because I knew they were like this before any of this happened, but I won't say it doesn't sting a little. I mean, friends (I thought) didn't mean, we like you until something better comes along. Nick was saying this last night when, for whatever reason, I was defending them saying that they just found something they liked better. I wish life was like a movie in where people screw you over and you automatically just are able to not care and move on with your life and get the best revenge over them by being happy and successful while their lives fall apart around their feet.
However, real life is not that gratifying, and while I bust my ass in school and work trying to get it together, they skate around with parents who fork out money like it grows on trees and don't go to school, or do anything other than suck up air and be more selfish than any amount of people ought to be.
I dunno.

No body deserves the title best friend if they don't sound like the cavalries cannons or aren't willing to bleed next to you.
Nicks friends are better friends. That's really depressing.

It's not like I don't have friends. I have a lot, especially since this whole G-turning-into-the-dick-i-always-suspected-he-was-and-everyone-hating-me-because-i-dont-want-to-keep-dating-selfish-men forever thing, a lot of people rallied around me, and that feels really good, knowing that these are people who like me because I'm a good person who doesn't let people down. Or that I'm funny or something, I dunno.

I just, I guess I miss them. I would cut my arm off before saying it to anyones face, and I don't mean I miss people like Finan. It feels good to be rid of him. No sadness there. But I even miss G a little, as much as I hate him. I wish everything he had said to me had been the truth. I wish that night we were walking around the track, and he made those stupid promises, that I had not believed him. I think that would make this okay. Because he was kind of my best friend, and then...nothing. I dunno. I don't think he reads this anymore, and if he does, I don't care if he knows. It doesn't mean that I want him, or think I should be with him, it means, that as a friend, I miss who he was. When funny things happen, I wish I could tell him. But I can't because I deleted his number, and like I said, I would rather cut off toes than say it to him.

Okay. No more emotions, but it feels good to get it all out.

The new guy at work is a total bro, but we get along really well. We talked about hockey for a long time, and he helped me work on an assignment I have due but am procrastinating hard on.
Also, is it weird I eat spaghetti o's cold? I think they taste better that way.
I dunno.

I think ramen tonight, then some sweaty gym action is in order.

Jasper barks hi!

-mb

Why why why won't the world revolve around me..?

In my dreams tress grow all over the streets.

Lame sauce tastes kind of lame. Hm.

OMfG. Nickelodeon won't let me play spongebob diner dash! I'm getting upset. I'm also mildly concerned I just said that outloud. Oh well, who is going to judge me, YOU?!
Yeah, thats what I though.

So, finally something interesting happened at work today, and not Ric singing Sexual Healing to me, although that was pretty funny too. Today, I came in looking all good looking and what not and walk into the break room where Bob (assistant manager) and Dustin (retard) (not an actual retard, redneck is a better word) are sitting up there. I say Hi and smile and start putting my stuff into my locker when Bob says, "The police are coming up to talk to you today."
Me: "Um, what? Why?!"
Bob: "They think they cashier was in on it."

[Backstory time!! Yay!! Two Sundays ago some Mexican came in with a stolen credit card and stole like, six hundred dollars worth of gift cards with someone elses credit card. I checked his ID and called for Rodney, so I didn't do anything wrong at this point, but it figures that when my yearly review is coming up I would fuck up badly. Good bye raise.]
Me: (panicking) WHAT?! Why do they think that?!
(my whole future is flashing before my eyes...good bye nursing career...)
Bob (beings gulping down powerade); Just kidding Marybeth. Jeeze.

So, I assumed he had just been joking, but an officer did come up and talk to me, he was nice, I told him what I remembered.
We were there for fucking ever last night. I cleaned the shit out of that place. Someone has to, and god knows the boys won't, but they will be mildly obnoxious and watch me do it, bless them.

Trying to reason with a dog is like reasoning with my toaster. No matter how many times I ask, it still does not give me my toast back.
Nick went to the gym with me last night (miracle of miracles) and they were giving away Dick Enrico talking bobble heads (He's like some pitch man, I didn't know either) free, so Nick took one, and we put it on the floor and played it and omFg, Jasper flips his tiny switch. He starts barking at it and running at the bobble head, snapping at it, but never quite getting close enough to touch it. We die laughing every time. If you come down soon Cindy you have to see it.

You will be down again before Jasper is grown up? He's becoming really solid. Friday I need to set up his neuter appointment. I feel kind of bad, but at the same time I don't want him fucking my baby angel.
Still no diner dash. This is sad.

Jasper peed right next to Nick. So funny. I shouldn't be this amused, but Nick's face is so funny. Yesterday he was cleaning pee, and Jasper peed right next to him in a new spot. Omg, I died laughing.

Alright...I guess I'll go take a shower.

-embee

Lame Sauce

Once again, I was being upset over nothing.

He's getting a big hug when he walks in the door friday.

p.s. We could move to Seattle and leave a bunch of cryptic clues, and if they find us, that's that, and if they don't we date someone on the west coast.
BUT NOT FROM CALIFORNIA.

You and I will be a tough act to follow

Cindy, I will not let you date Garrett, so that bleak future you see for yourself is poof. Gone.

Seriously though, I think William sees a future with you or he wouldn't have gone back out with you in the first place. I mean, if he's as "realistic" as you say he is (I don't know if I think he is, or if he just thinks he is), he would have thought about it and realized that dating you again would be wasting time when he could be finding that perfect someone.

Now. (fucking...Jasper just peed on the carpet...goddamn it) I don't know a lot about love. Or, really anything. But I know that when I was with Ryan, I was miserable all the time. I was constantly worried, I never felt good enough, etc etc. With Nick that all changed, even on our first date, I wore holy jeans and no make up, and he still wanted to see me again, even though I was sarcastic as shit and looked like poo.
And it worries me that you're crying so hard over William, and he hasn't even said anything yet. He shouldn't make you feel like that, and he shouldn't tell you things like that either. You can get a job teaching music. Inner city kids need music teachers too, plus places like Nottlemans have music teachers, private teachers, etc etc. He should be supportive, not make you feel like you should be picking out a new major. I mean, he's majoring in philosophy. You can ONLY work as a college teacher doing that, does he think that just because he has a graduate degree in it he can just waltz in and get a spot. Most places don't hire people with those higher degrees because you have to pay them more to begin with, so he'd probably have to find a job teaching philosophy while he works on his grad degree, and even then nothing is for sure, you have to work as a college professor for forever before the tenure you.
And if all else fails you can join Nicks band and be a drummer. They have one, but I'm sure I could talk him out of it. It's only his best friend since childhood.
lol.

But seriously. Even if you don't end up with William, you can always live here with me. The only reason I agreed on that spare bedroom was because I knew you would be in it the most. You could live with us while you work on finding a job as a music teacher, Nick knows all the music people in town with his job, and his band, so it might even be helpful. And you can meet other music people, and marry one and have children who fucking love chemistry. And then you will call me crying about how you got children like this, and I'll say it was fate, and then our kids will be married and we'll finally be related.

So my whole point is that, if he doesn't know where he sees himself with you, you should tell him you don't know either. Don't waste the pretty.

-embee

I'm such a Sneaky McSneakerson... :(

I foresee a lot of pain in my future...

I hate that I convince myself that I'm headed down a path that will bring me everything I ever wanted. (this is pretty much the opposite of MB's post, btw.)

I'm so scared, I'm crying. Some days I tell myself that it's good to not know where I'll be or even where I want to be this time two years from now, that it makes me more adaptable to whatever does happen.

"Good luck finding a job teaching music, from what I hear."

I love William, but sometimes he says things that are like a brick wall to the face. We were having a conversation about life after graduation, and how it's going to be hard losing so many friends, but it was a generally pleasant chat. I'm usually happy when I'm thinking about post-grad because I don't allow myself to face reality, when I really should. He's right though. My chances of finding the job I want are slim.

The picture I let myself see is me following him where ever life takes us, and finding whatever job I can in music preferably (because a career is important, but that's not what's going to make my life happy. It's just not. I can't make myself into one of those people who view career as what defines a person. I really wish I could, because it would make the thought of losing William a lot less terrifying.) I'd go with him to grad school, teach English in China, move to east-Jesus nowhere, live on a ranch, I don't care. I can be happy just about anywhere, with the right person. I wish he knew/understood that in a way that wouldn't make him think less of me.

I don't blame him for not thinking I'm the person he's going to be with the rest of his life. I'm too much of an unknown with less than good probabilities. That's why I started a savings account, and why I've become so cheap. I figure that maybe having a bunch of money saved up will make the thought of keeping me around, a little more appealing. That's why I like cooking. That's why I keep my house spotless (except for this weekend, because I was taking a mini-vacation with Marybeth. lol.) It's all cleaned up again now though. I'm trying so hard, even though I know that it's very unlikely to make any sort of difference.

In all reality, I'll probably graduate, move in with my mother, and manage a walmart or something until my loans are paid off, or forever, while teaching private lessons and trying to find a god damn teaching job at an elementary school. Maybe I'll start by working at a daycare, and use the experience to work my way up. Maybe I'll get a masters in education, who knows. I'll start dating some loser, with a future as bleak as mine, who did or didn't go to college. He'll probably do some kind of manual labor job, and we'll live in a shitty house, and fight about bills, and he'll drink. He'll yell at me, and threaten me like my father did. I'll cry all the time. We'll split up, and get back together, and split up, and get back together, and it will make our children hate us. I'll have no respect from my children, and I'll deserve none, because I wont stand up to him for them. I'll just cry, and cry, and wonder how I ended up becoming my mother after making such an effort not to.

That's why I love talking to Marybeth. Because, while she's brutally honest, she knows when I don't want to hear the truth. She'll crack jokes about William and I far into the future, or about how we'll both (her and I) live in Seattle some day.

I know it's better that William doesn't do that, because it would just make our seemingly inevitable post-grad breakup more surprising and painful, but at the same time... sometimes I just want to hear about unlikely what-ifs. Why can't we talk about what it'd be like if we did end up together? Why does that have to be any more taboo than talking about how we, "probably wont even stay friends." I think... it might be because he doesn't want to (stay together that is). He'd never say it if it were true... but I could see it being so.

I have so much homework to do, and instead I'm crying uncontrollably and writing a pathetic blog.

He says I don't tell him things. He's right. I wish I could tell him, but I'm afraid of the effects that telling him would have.

He said I was the type of person he could be with the rest of his life. The type, not the person. He's the person, there is no type.

The problem with saying how I feel, is that if I'm right, he'll probably break up with me "for my own good." If I'm wrong, it will probably just hurt him that I think it. I'm pretty sure I'm more close to being right though.

On the other hand, maybe I should tell him. That way I'm not crying about something I'm not even sure of.

There's a theory that you should only date someone you see a good possibility of spending the rest of your life with. I don't like that theory. I think that the focus should be more on whether you would want to spend the rest of your life with this person. If you would be content having looked into the future seeing that as the outcome.

I wish so badly that I could see into the future... 10 years or so from now. That way I would know if suicide is a better career path. lol.

I know I'm crazy. Don't worry.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I had a pocket full of dreams
But I gave them all to you
Now I think I want them back
So can you tell me if I'm crazy or confused?
Don't ever change
The way you are
I've never loved anyone more.

Oh, it is 2:37 in the morning, and I am still awake. Nervous for some reason, I'm not sure why. Perhaps some sort of mischief is afoot that I am not presently aware of but my brain is trying to warn me of anyway. Or not.
At any rate I'm still awake, it's my last night here in Kirksville, and I'm pretty anxious to get home, what with Colbie being injured. I was having nightmares of her not being there when I got home, I think my dog dying would be the worst possible pain I can imagine. Thinking about it right now makes my stomach hurt and twist up in knots. I'm pretty afraid to see her tomorrow, I think I'll probably want to cry. Her throat was just about ripped out, oh...I had been thinking about coming home early but Nick assured me everything was under control.
He's so funny, he has her back feet in socks because she keeps using her back legs to scratch her throat poor baby.

I was thinking about something else lately too. Even more so today after the dream I had last night. I talked to Rodney and Nick about it a lot, and they both agreed that they thought it was a good idea.
After the fag decided the only way to make him feel better about his tiny pencil dick by ridiculing my worst memories (but inspiring a really good conversation between Nick and Rodney about shattering knee caps), I thought about all the things I said to him, and how I wished, that when he decided to be the pussy that he is back (because no real man treats someone he loves and only wants to be happy" that way.) to me that if it hadn't bothered me I could have laughed in his face like I had been doing before instead of feeling shame. And it wasn't shame for calling him ugly and gross, but shame that what had happened was my fault, that he was right and I was crazy.
A few people have made me feel this way in my life, powerless and broke, on my knees. I hate that feeling, because it's always the people you love and trust the most, who want you to trust them completely, who try the hardest at breaking you.
I sat in on that crate in the warehouse listening to Rodney tell me that I was better than him, and how I needed to forget it all, put it out of my head, and I was pathetically saying back that I couldn't and it wasn't that easy.
But I went home and thought, it can be that easy.
Hear me out.
There are all these really good charties and stuff pertaining to my...cause, if you will. I know a lot of good women who have suffered silently in the same way, because saying it outloud brings back the shame and fear and humiliation.
But I didn't do anything wrong.
I wasn't my fault.
I didn't ask for it. I was in the wrong place, at the wrong time, and no mater what you think you know, you don't.
Especially people like Fag. He didn't even know me then. He wants to tell me to take medication.
I sought help. I talked to people, I took medicine. It cause post traumatic stress syndrome.
I don't sit alone in my room wallowing in my own self-patheticness, drinking away my so-called problems.
I am making something out of my life. And I refuse to let someone like him beat me, or reduce me to tears in a warehouse ever again because of it.
I am going to rid myself of my fear and shame and blame. I'm ready for it now. I guess, in a way, I could thank the fag, if he hadn't been such a rotting person on the inside, I might never have actually done it.

I guess I feel hopeful for the first time in a while. I have my boyfriend, real, good people I can call friends, a family I love, and future that doesn't look anywhere but up. How could I be dissatisfied.
I'm honestly now. I feel so happy on the inside I could burst. It's hard to maintain the sarcastic facade lately when I kind of want to start waltzing with complete strangers.
I've never been a firm believer in fate or chance, but if I were I would say everything happens for a reason. If I had never started with el faggo I never would have realized that I can speak for myself and be free of shame, never would have known how much I love Nick, how much I want him in my life, and surely never would have known who my friends truly are.
It feels so good.
I'm grinning now.

If you still read this, G, thanks. You can burn in hell and die, but at the same time, thank you. Even though I know you don't really want me to be happy, because on the inside you are a miserable little boy incapable of feeling anything for anyone but yourself, thank you. I don't think I would have realize any of this with out your treachery, manipulativeness, and general douchebaggery. Instead I would probably be with you, just as gross on the inside as you are.
You would never have been "the best I ever could have" or whatever it was you think, because you spent the whole time trying to be with my lying, backstabbing, and being manipulative.
How would I deserve that?
And as for being single, I think you deserve to be that way for a long time. How can you hope to ever love someone if you don't love yourself? And, please, don't kid yourself, someone who drinks themselves to sleep doesn't love themself. You can deny this as long as you want, some day I'll be seeing you again in a hospital, just as sad and pathetic as you are now, and I will, beside enjoying the karma of it all, be able to show you that I was right all along.

Mmm..
I love the movie Ever After. Happy endings are the best I think. :)

-embee