I go over this in my head again and again and again... the only reason I'm still at Truman is because I want to spend the rest of my life with William. It's a terribly reason to be here, but... I guess anything that motivates me to stay in school is a good thing.

I'm really worried I might fail some classes this semester.

Why does life have to be so fucking difficult and stressful.

and why does my boyfriend have to dissect everything in our relationship until he finds something that's wrong.

I mentioned relationship counseling (they offer it at the UCS). He didn't think it would be helpful, which means it probably wouldn't be.

I just want everything to be perfect, and happy... is that too much to ask? I guess so...

Don't you wish your girlfriend was...

Dead Like Me.

I really like this show (Dead Like Me). Very morbidly sarcastic.

I keep going back and forth between "I hate my job, I'm quitting." and "I don't want to starve to death." It's very stressful, which shows on my 40-year-old face.

Having sex less than once a week doesn't help. There's just not enough time in the week for everything and that's something that has kind of taken a back burner.

Currently I am typing face down in a pulliw with my arms stretched out toward the keyboard. I'm looking forward to seeing how well I type blind. I'm half rc\xpecting to look up and see gibberish. Ok, looking up now...

lol. Not too bad. pillow and expecting kind of failed, but it seems that was partially caused by my missing the backspace button.

I'm exhausted. both from studying and working. back to face down position...

wake me up in a hundred years.

Happy Birthday Marybeth!!

My napping is becoming debilitating. Before I got pregnant, I never used to nap. Now I'm luck if I can force myself to stay away for nine hours at a time. Literally, it's awesome, because I love being asleep, but it's awful because I fell asleep tonight after I got home from work, and woke up at ten, and I have to be back at work at 8 tomorrow morning. Now, factoring in the fact that Nick is going to come home sometime around midnight and bug me until I eat whatever him and Nate cooked, and then he will proceed to keep me awake the same way he always has since we met (no matter what he says, it's always been this way), the napping will also hinder any decent sleepy time tonight, and I will be a zombie (again) at work tomorrow.
I won't be able to nap tomorrow because I'm having lunch with Grandpa Bob (cue dun dun duuuuuuns!). I scheduled this dinner strategically so I wouldn't have to drunk because, alas! I am still too young. Anyway, I wasn't supposed to work tomorrow, Cody worked a Sunday for me, so I said I'd come in on Friday, but that means when I get off I'm going to have to change in the bathroom and go straight to the Hill.
Nap time is essential, the baby, though only a size of a grain of rice, is exhausting. I can tell I like my baby (well duh), because morning sickness is like, non-exisistant. It's happened like three times. I think my baby is going to come out just a perfectly lovely baby who sleeps through the night and has no sarcastic attitude at all (okay, that last part is a lie.)
Being pregnant isn't so bad, not like I thought it would be. I've lost weight (I know, right?!) I sleep like a brick pretty much anywhere, I can eat like I've never been able to before, like, a garbage disposal, I'm thinking of entering a hotdog contest. Okay, no, I don't like hot dogs, but you get the point.
There doesn't feel like a downside to this OTHER than the crazy mood swings. I don't always notice them. I get angry a lot, so Nick and I battle like pokemon quite often because he doesn't understand that I'm not being mean, it's just the hormones, so then he yells, which makes it worse because then I really AM mad. Today we were talking about my birtday, (its sunday) and I was under the impression that we were gonna go out Saturday night. I'm not making a big deal out of this b-day, it's gonna be low key, it's not like I can drink anyway, so what's the point, although I kind of had it planned like this before I found out about my little mistake (mommy loves you). Then he's texting me about how he wants to go out with his friend Nate, and I don't want to say he can't, because the last time I was trying to get him to stay home more he went off and tried to fuck that cunt ass bitch Erica. Whom I am going to kick the shit out of the next time I see her, not counting Davids wedding, because weddings are no place to kick someones ass. Cindy, I wish you could see it, she is so fucking scared of me, she can't even make eye contact with me. Granted, if you saw (you've seen some of the looks) the looks she's gotten since we met (not formally, that would just be awesome if someone who didn't know would introduce us formally) you would understand. Nick told me she left David's party early because she was afraid I was going to say something to her. And then when I wandered up to his work the other day...ugh. I hate everything about her. Anyway, enough of that.
So, he tells me about Nate, and I totally burst into tears. It's weird, I don't normally react like that (ever). It's really not a big deal. It's almost funny, if it were happening to you it would MOST ASSUREDLY be funny.
Anyway!
It's not important, tomorrow Nick has a tiling job and I'm gonna come along (his idea, he doesn't want to go alone I think because he doesn't normally invite me along to things like that)and keep him company with my witty banter and sarcastic remarks.
So, if the baby is a girl her name will be Isabella (not after Twilight) Christine, and a boy is Dylan Alexander. I sooooOOooo hope it's a girl. It's crazy, but I am totally in love with this baby, and I don't even know her/him yet. Like, hardcore. All my plans revolve around the baby, I day dream about when he/she'll be here and what he/she'll be like. My vision has changed, you know I'm as aware as a tomato on a highway, but recently I've become hyper aware, like, everyone and everything is a threat to my tiny rice baby, and I walk differently. The other day someone came kinda close and my elbow shot up like I was gonna fucking ju jitzu them or something.
Instinct or fucking bat shit crazy?
Anyway, enough rambling.
-mb

Goddammit!

I do not understand why the universe wont just let me get up at 6:30 so I can make it to class on time...

I don't even want to fucking be here anymore. I'm so tired, and I'm just sick of it. I feel trapped though. I'm trying so hard to make it through these four years so that I don't feel like my life is a failure, and I can make a decent salary, but it just gets harder and more stressdul every fucking day, and today I missed my 7:30 class for the I-don't-know-how-many-th time, and after 6 I fail the class. I don't know if this is 6, but I'm really hoping it's not. If it is, and I fail, not only will my GPA take a huge hit, but I will drop below full time status and all of my loans will start expecting to be paid.

I don't even know why I came here anymore, but I'm staying for all the wrong reasons.