...but you could pay to close it like a casket.
You never texted me back, I hope you're aware of that. You were supposed to entertain me. On Fridays I don't work, and I don't go to school, it's my one day I always have off *angelic chorus*, but the other day Steve (store manager) called and asked if I would come in, and so I did.
It was kind of a bummer because Courtney and I were supposed to hang. I don't really want to drive all the way down to hang out, but trying to talk her into coming up here is most likely very pointless. She's never seen my apartment though, wtf? Oh well. Maybe I will just never go down and see her house.
Okay, that's a lie, I'm sure I will help her move or something.
Anyway, so I worked today and it was fucking boring. So boring. I ended up getting to leave early, like, one o clock early instead of eight like I had thought, and I was tempted to call Courtney and go out, but I fell asleep for six hours instead.
Omg it was so beautiful. It was a perfect nap, I fell asleep and didn't even realize I had slept that long until a text message from Cody woke me up.
It's going to suck when I try to go to bed tonight, I have an 8.30-5 shift tomorrow, but I will always love that nap. *wipes away tear* I've never taken a more perfect nap when I've not been sick.
PLEASE COME DOWN AND SEE ME.
Okay, so a lot of times I ask Nick to do something over and over again and he doesn't do it, and when I say something about it he'll say/text "love you" and it drives me bat shit crazy, but I've finally gotten him back.
Every morning I eat a bowl of honey nut cheerios, and no matter how little of cereal I pour I find it impossible to finish the whole bowl. Don't know why, must be a psychological crazy thing. Or not. But Nick gets so frustrated if I leave the bowl out instead of dumping it in the sink. He will text me when he finds it (because now I've been leaving the bowl in fun spots for him to find!), or remind me when I get home, and I just smile and say, "Love you!" and I know he is close to snapping. My neck, probably, but it is just do worth it.
I wanted to share that moment with someone. He's defrosting some chicken, in the hopes that I will cook. God damn it. I was kinda thinking I would eat ramen, but I forget that he doesn't like stuff like that. I could shake and bake it, right? Yeah. That's easy enough.
Okay, this blog is totally snooze-ville.
bye!
-mb
Friday, July 31, 2009
Ok, in the library, borrowing internets.
So, I think I may have annoyed William the other day. Feel kind of bad. I complain too much, I've decided, and I'm going to make my best effort to not do that. It's just a goddamn job. What people say to me does not matter, and it should have little effect on my life. Also, I think maybe I call too much. Though, I only do because I have nothing to do here (especially without internet) and I happen to like talking to him, but maybe everyday is too much. I mean, I don't think so, but I'm crazy so... yeah.
Was going to go to Albany Tuesday of next week and leave Thursday morning since MB's not off work, but... I don't want to impose, and I think there's a slight chance he's getting sick of me lately. I would to, I mean, if I had to listen to me bitch all the time. No more bitching. I will bitch at blogger or something. I mean, I really want to see him, but I can wait until the 14th. *sigh/groan* I wish I could just read his goddamn mind sometimes.
So maybe I'll go home anyway, and play with the dogs while MB's at work or something. I mean, I went to work while she was here so...
I hate that no one is in Kirksville!!
Mom and Kelly were here for like... 2 seconds. They got here at 2am last night and then left at 1:30 this afternoon. I was just kind of like "..."
I'm kind of irritated with myself. *sigh*
Sorry I don't post very often.
On the brighter side of things, classes are completely over with until the next semester starts. I have enough money to live on and save up. And... for a little while longer I still get to enjoy living alone, which I've decided I really like. It was awful at first because I got scared...a lot. Now that I've gotten over that (for the most part) I feel so much more independent. Plus, I like having a lot of me-time. My only complaint is that without internet... I get pretty bored of myself. lol.
I will be chipper... this is a demand I am putting on myself right now.
Yesterday was pathetic. I mean, it was a really bad day, but I shouldn't have called William crying about it when he's in the middle of enjoying his day.
Blah.
Blah.
I'm out of things to say, I think. Guess I'll head home.
So, I think I may have annoyed William the other day. Feel kind of bad. I complain too much, I've decided, and I'm going to make my best effort to not do that. It's just a goddamn job. What people say to me does not matter, and it should have little effect on my life. Also, I think maybe I call too much. Though, I only do because I have nothing to do here (especially without internet) and I happen to like talking to him, but maybe everyday is too much. I mean, I don't think so, but I'm crazy so... yeah.
Was going to go to Albany Tuesday of next week and leave Thursday morning since MB's not off work, but... I don't want to impose, and I think there's a slight chance he's getting sick of me lately. I would to, I mean, if I had to listen to me bitch all the time. No more bitching. I will bitch at blogger or something. I mean, I really want to see him, but I can wait until the 14th. *sigh/groan* I wish I could just read his goddamn mind sometimes.
So maybe I'll go home anyway, and play with the dogs while MB's at work or something. I mean, I went to work while she was here so...
I hate that no one is in Kirksville!!
Mom and Kelly were here for like... 2 seconds. They got here at 2am last night and then left at 1:30 this afternoon. I was just kind of like "..."
I'm kind of irritated with myself. *sigh*
Sorry I don't post very often.
On the brighter side of things, classes are completely over with until the next semester starts. I have enough money to live on and save up. And... for a little while longer I still get to enjoy living alone, which I've decided I really like. It was awful at first because I got scared...a lot. Now that I've gotten over that (for the most part) I feel so much more independent. Plus, I like having a lot of me-time. My only complaint is that without internet... I get pretty bored of myself. lol.
I will be chipper... this is a demand I am putting on myself right now.
Yesterday was pathetic. I mean, it was a really bad day, but I shouldn't have called William crying about it when he's in the middle of enjoying his day.
Blah.
Blah.
I'm out of things to say, I think. Guess I'll head home.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
I think the surplus of blogs is coming from the fact that I find myself constantly attached to my laptop. I take it with me everywhere at this point, and not even for my usual tomfoolery, like playing diner dash in my pharmaceuticals class, which, for the record, makes it more interesting.
It's a love story here. Plus I am never going to get my degree at the rate I procrastinate. Just sayin, even Megan Barone has her LPN at this point, and wtf do I have?
Oh yeah, that's right, I have nothing. Not that it isn't completely my fault, but STILL. Imagine that in a high pitched whiney voice. I don't want my LPN, in all fairness, I want a BSN, which is much better, and only a skip, hop, jump, and knife wound away from a masters degree in mother fucking nursing, and why the fuck did I decide I had to do this anyway? Like, I remember deciding on this, it was when Nick was wondering if he should do Veterinary Medicine, and I said, hm, I should do nursing. Let me call the nursing college and apply and shit because I want to do the things I am completely terrible at, such as math, science, chemistry, and trying to empathize with other peoples problems, oh, and not being bloody sarcastic all day. AWESOME !*^$@*^!*^#@())!&*~~~!
And I hate heroin. Just for the record. I hate talking about it, thinking about it, the fact that I accidentally just erased everything I had JUST written about it. paraphrasing other peoples well thought out articles into my words...just...Drugs are bad, m'kay?
Ranty ranty? It's nice to take a break. I sent my boyfriend out to play music, and now I'm soooo bored. I keep thinking about the gym but it's not late enough (like to avoid the abnoxious asian in there between nine and ten thirty), so instead I'm listening to Taylor Swift and blogging while pretending I have nothing else going on.
Went to Mastodon Park today. I have no fucking idea why I went, because clearly it fucks with my brain, I'm wandering down the trails thinking about how I miss doing it, and then I texted an apology to G, and I'm sure he told everyone that I'm so pathetic and begging for him back, although I did want him to text me back and I would tell him where I was, and he meet me there, and we could talk, but...gack. Anyway, he didn't say anything back, and it's probably for the best, I'm sure the nothing good would come out of it, I mean, just because we WERE friends doesn't mean we still can be, despite the fact that I miss talking to him. I am pathetic. Man.
People are people and sometimes we change our minds, but it's killing me to see you go after all this time...
Hmmm...my sister is still in love with the heroin (THERES THAT WORD AGAIN!!) addict, I don't know how to change her mind.
New topic, back to that one in a minute. So, I wrote my dad a fucking five page letter, and he fucking wrote me back. OMFG. I made Nick read it first, and then I read it to my mom over the phone and called my G-pa Jim, and then wrote back. Nick thought what I wrote back was really mean, but, I mean, I don't know how to be nice to someone like him. I don't want to be nice to him. My mom told me that if my mind was made up and I was sure I didn't want a relationship with him that I should just completely call him out, and I did, and it felt good, although my pen was shaking the whole time I wrote. I mean, I should have to be hurt over and over by him, even if he is my dad. I dunno. I mean, I'm not going to lie and pretend like I never wanted him around, but the reality of the situation is that he wasn't, and my life was shaped without him, and at nearly twenty one, I don't feel like it's necessary to have a dad figure in my life. My mom can walk my down the isle when I get married.
It makes me feel all knotty thinking about it.
I'm really tempted to call Dennis and ask him to come over and play Biosphere with me, but then we'll be here until fucking three in the morning, and I'm not sure how Nick feels about Dennis. They used to be pretty good friends in high school, or so Nick says, but Nick thinks he's weird, which is probably because Dennis smoked a lot of pot. He swears he doesn't now, and knows that I would kill him if he did, but still..
Oh. Nick came home. Yay!
-mb
It's a love story here. Plus I am never going to get my degree at the rate I procrastinate. Just sayin, even Megan Barone has her LPN at this point, and wtf do I have?
Oh yeah, that's right, I have nothing. Not that it isn't completely my fault, but STILL. Imagine that in a high pitched whiney voice. I don't want my LPN, in all fairness, I want a BSN, which is much better, and only a skip, hop, jump, and knife wound away from a masters degree in mother fucking nursing, and why the fuck did I decide I had to do this anyway? Like, I remember deciding on this, it was when Nick was wondering if he should do Veterinary Medicine, and I said, hm, I should do nursing. Let me call the nursing college and apply and shit because I want to do the things I am completely terrible at, such as math, science, chemistry, and trying to empathize with other peoples problems, oh, and not being bloody sarcastic all day. AWESOME !*^$@*^!*^#@())!&*~~~!
And I hate heroin. Just for the record. I hate talking about it, thinking about it, the fact that I accidentally just erased everything I had JUST written about it. paraphrasing other peoples well thought out articles into my words...just...Drugs are bad, m'kay?
Ranty ranty? It's nice to take a break. I sent my boyfriend out to play music, and now I'm soooo bored. I keep thinking about the gym but it's not late enough (like to avoid the abnoxious asian in there between nine and ten thirty), so instead I'm listening to Taylor Swift and blogging while pretending I have nothing else going on.
Went to Mastodon Park today. I have no fucking idea why I went, because clearly it fucks with my brain, I'm wandering down the trails thinking about how I miss doing it, and then I texted an apology to G, and I'm sure he told everyone that I'm so pathetic and begging for him back, although I did want him to text me back and I would tell him where I was, and he meet me there, and we could talk, but...gack. Anyway, he didn't say anything back, and it's probably for the best, I'm sure the nothing good would come out of it, I mean, just because we WERE friends doesn't mean we still can be, despite the fact that I miss talking to him. I am pathetic. Man.
People are people and sometimes we change our minds, but it's killing me to see you go after all this time...
Hmmm...my sister is still in love with the heroin (THERES THAT WORD AGAIN!!) addict, I don't know how to change her mind.
New topic, back to that one in a minute. So, I wrote my dad a fucking five page letter, and he fucking wrote me back. OMFG. I made Nick read it first, and then I read it to my mom over the phone and called my G-pa Jim, and then wrote back. Nick thought what I wrote back was really mean, but, I mean, I don't know how to be nice to someone like him. I don't want to be nice to him. My mom told me that if my mind was made up and I was sure I didn't want a relationship with him that I should just completely call him out, and I did, and it felt good, although my pen was shaking the whole time I wrote. I mean, I should have to be hurt over and over by him, even if he is my dad. I dunno. I mean, I'm not going to lie and pretend like I never wanted him around, but the reality of the situation is that he wasn't, and my life was shaped without him, and at nearly twenty one, I don't feel like it's necessary to have a dad figure in my life. My mom can walk my down the isle when I get married.
It makes me feel all knotty thinking about it.
I'm really tempted to call Dennis and ask him to come over and play Biosphere with me, but then we'll be here until fucking three in the morning, and I'm not sure how Nick feels about Dennis. They used to be pretty good friends in high school, or so Nick says, but Nick thinks he's weird, which is probably because Dennis smoked a lot of pot. He swears he doesn't now, and knows that I would kill him if he did, but still..
Oh. Nick came home. Yay!
-mb
I have internet for a few moments! Hurray! Must type quickly!
Watched some movies and stuffed ice cream in my face last night because I wasn't tired (I slept for like 2 whole days!! *sigh*)
Anyway, trying to suppress the urge to call William every day. I have nothing interesting to say, and usually just ramble on about nothing until he's finally like, "I'm going to go now..." lol. I felt bad last night though, because I was unintentionally not letting him speak and I think he got a bit irritated with me. He's at his dad's in KC right now, so I shouldn't really be calling anyway since he doesn't go there too often. It'd be so much easier if I had internet... I could message him when I have something interesting to say, and he can ignore me if he wants. lol.
The free internet apparently moved out with my psycho neighbors, so... win-lose I suppose.
I doubt this will even post but I'll try while I can.
Watched some movies and stuffed ice cream in my face last night because I wasn't tired (I slept for like 2 whole days!! *sigh*)
Anyway, trying to suppress the urge to call William every day. I have nothing interesting to say, and usually just ramble on about nothing until he's finally like, "I'm going to go now..." lol. I felt bad last night though, because I was unintentionally not letting him speak and I think he got a bit irritated with me. He's at his dad's in KC right now, so I shouldn't really be calling anyway since he doesn't go there too often. It'd be so much easier if I had internet... I could message him when I have something interesting to say, and he can ignore me if he wants. lol.
The free internet apparently moved out with my psycho neighbors, so... win-lose I suppose.
I doubt this will even post but I'll try while I can.
I don't blame you for being you..
...but you can't blame me for hating it..
I still smell like sunscreen. Apparently the smell will never go away.
Yesterday we went to six flags, it was the last ten dollar tuesday, and I begged Nick to take the day off (or call in, whatever) and go.
We went with Leo, Kristen, Kate, and Eduardo (Edward+O, he's mexican too), and had a really awesome time, Leo and I got our picture taken with Batman and Robin and I got to hug Sylvester, who is my fave Looney toon!
It was kind of a bummer because around fourish it started to rain, and we were in Hurrican Harbor, Eduardo was next up on the green slide, Nick behind him when they shut the park down. I know Nick was disappointed, we waited in line forever.
All the park rides were awesome, wish I could have ridden on evil kenival ride, but the line was sooo long all the time. Kristen, Kate, Leo, and Ed all went on the Super Man, but Nick didn't want to, and that ride still gives me nightmares, so him and I wandered off, he won me a polar bear yay! And we rode the moon cars, which used to take you along a pretty long track. Now it just goes around in a circle, we were pretty bummed.
Anyway though, it was a nice night, and I got a lovely phone call from Courtney asking when we were going to hang out next, and Leah wanting to have lunch tomorrow. I have to remember to text her and tell her I'm working.
Mmm, so that's awesome, Saturday is game night again, looking forward to spending more time with Cody, if nothing else, I love that kid to death. He called me the other night really angry with Dustin's behavior, so we filed a report against Dustin. It was over due.
I guess today I'm going to clean. And watch my show. Sounds good.
Alright...peace. You should try and post more Cindy, you only post when you are upset.
Gay.
-embee
p.s. Dear Brittany Mesle. Get the fuck over it. I am still better than you, despite what he may be saying to you, you will never mean anything to him, and if you think you're more special, or whatever, you are only kidding yourself. He will do to you what he did to me, which is lie to your face, and pretend to be someone he is not.
Besides, don't you have to leave your house to go on dates?
If you can't be a big enough bitch to say it to my face, don't be pathetic enough to say it behind my back.
With love,
Marybeth
p.s.s. I agree with Cindy, you are still an idiot.
I still smell like sunscreen. Apparently the smell will never go away.
Yesterday we went to six flags, it was the last ten dollar tuesday, and I begged Nick to take the day off (or call in, whatever) and go.
We went with Leo, Kristen, Kate, and Eduardo (Edward+O, he's mexican too), and had a really awesome time, Leo and I got our picture taken with Batman and Robin and I got to hug Sylvester, who is my fave Looney toon!
It was kind of a bummer because around fourish it started to rain, and we were in Hurrican Harbor, Eduardo was next up on the green slide, Nick behind him when they shut the park down. I know Nick was disappointed, we waited in line forever.
All the park rides were awesome, wish I could have ridden on evil kenival ride, but the line was sooo long all the time. Kristen, Kate, Leo, and Ed all went on the Super Man, but Nick didn't want to, and that ride still gives me nightmares, so him and I wandered off, he won me a polar bear yay! And we rode the moon cars, which used to take you along a pretty long track. Now it just goes around in a circle, we were pretty bummed.
Anyway though, it was a nice night, and I got a lovely phone call from Courtney asking when we were going to hang out next, and Leah wanting to have lunch tomorrow. I have to remember to text her and tell her I'm working.
Mmm, so that's awesome, Saturday is game night again, looking forward to spending more time with Cody, if nothing else, I love that kid to death. He called me the other night really angry with Dustin's behavior, so we filed a report against Dustin. It was over due.
I guess today I'm going to clean. And watch my show. Sounds good.
Alright...peace. You should try and post more Cindy, you only post when you are upset.
Gay.
-embee
p.s. Dear Brittany Mesle. Get the fuck over it. I am still better than you, despite what he may be saying to you, you will never mean anything to him, and if you think you're more special, or whatever, you are only kidding yourself. He will do to you what he did to me, which is lie to your face, and pretend to be someone he is not.
Besides, don't you have to leave your house to go on dates?
If you can't be a big enough bitch to say it to my face, don't be pathetic enough to say it behind my back.
With love,
Marybeth
p.s.s. I agree with Cindy, you are still an idiot.
Monday, July 27, 2009
House was shit, so hurray! I like the apartment we have, and I just finished decorating it!
He wants to go looking at others, so I guess we will, but I am really picky. He was giving me shit about that, but seriously, he wants to raise children in this house, I'm not bringing small babies into a house that isn't goddamn perfect.
So we'll see.
At any rate, I have my dogs and boyfriend and friends, and for now, that is good enough.
-mb
He wants to go looking at others, so I guess we will, but I am really picky. He was giving me shit about that, but seriously, he wants to raise children in this house, I'm not bringing small babies into a house that isn't goddamn perfect.
So we'll see.
At any rate, I have my dogs and boyfriend and friends, and for now, that is good enough.
-mb
I've been beaten down..
..I've been kicked around...
Today is actually a really nice day. I love walking out of the building and have a perfect sunny day shining out at me. Plus I don't have to work, and I was thinking about taking my shit ton of homework to the zoo to work on, which I do occasionally seeing as how school is right next to Forest Park, and I actually cut through the park to get to school and back anyway (until 64 is completed I'm taking the back way, I hate 70, and going all the way down to 44 is stupid.
But anyway, I decided not to go to the park in favor of coming home, I was thinking about a nap or something, but it's too nice for that either. I don't even know why I'm blogging, I have my running shorts/shirt/shoes/hair on, I was going to take the dogs to Creve Coeur park on the duck trail, which no duck could ever walk, it's about four miles long. I am pretty sure Jasper will be able to handle this, I know Colbie can, we've walked it before.
Mmm, so yeah. Cody just called, sorry I was afk. Not that you notice.
If you were so hormonal, you could have called and cried to me, I wouldn't have minded. I know what it's like, when I started mine this month I had a big old sob fest, which felt fucking awesome. Also it was embarrassing because Nick was like, wtf.
Speaking of wtf, Nick is obsessed with buying a house. He has found one, he called them about it today, they're going to call him back about whether he can have it or not, and my mind if boggled. He didn't tell me he was thinking about moving into a house at all, so as far as I knew, he was fine with the apartment. Apparently not. He keeps throwing around words like 'investment' and 'back yard' and 'you can paint the kitchen yellow', and I get distracted. It's in a really nice neighborhood, three bedrooms, one bath, a basement, a backyard for the puppies...
Me, Nick, and his dad are going to look at the inside of it today, I'm kind of excited, but also pretty scared, I mean, I panic when it comes to commitment like things, and not in the gay, "oh ryan dumped me, I can never love again" way, but in the, "my dad abandoned me as a child, step dad beat me up, and was raped when seventeen (be proud I just said the word, it's a big step)" way, and I'm trying to get over it, and Nick let me rant and ramble it out last night, so at least I'm not keeping it in. I told him all I wanted was to finish school, settle down, and have kids. We talked about how we didn't want me to get fat when we had babies, which was funny.
So I'll let you know how the house tour goes later. I'm sure once I see it I will love it. Maybe. It might be awful. But I like the idea that this house will be our first home, we might have children in it, I will graduate in it...and I get to be back in Maryland Heights, woot.
Alright. Nick is here, peace out.
-embee
Today is actually a really nice day. I love walking out of the building and have a perfect sunny day shining out at me. Plus I don't have to work, and I was thinking about taking my shit ton of homework to the zoo to work on, which I do occasionally seeing as how school is right next to Forest Park, and I actually cut through the park to get to school and back anyway (until 64 is completed I'm taking the back way, I hate 70, and going all the way down to 44 is stupid.
But anyway, I decided not to go to the park in favor of coming home, I was thinking about a nap or something, but it's too nice for that either. I don't even know why I'm blogging, I have my running shorts/shirt/shoes/hair on, I was going to take the dogs to Creve Coeur park on the duck trail, which no duck could ever walk, it's about four miles long. I am pretty sure Jasper will be able to handle this, I know Colbie can, we've walked it before.
Mmm, so yeah. Cody just called, sorry I was afk. Not that you notice.
If you were so hormonal, you could have called and cried to me, I wouldn't have minded. I know what it's like, when I started mine this month I had a big old sob fest, which felt fucking awesome. Also it was embarrassing because Nick was like, wtf.
Speaking of wtf, Nick is obsessed with buying a house. He has found one, he called them about it today, they're going to call him back about whether he can have it or not, and my mind if boggled. He didn't tell me he was thinking about moving into a house at all, so as far as I knew, he was fine with the apartment. Apparently not. He keeps throwing around words like 'investment' and 'back yard' and 'you can paint the kitchen yellow', and I get distracted. It's in a really nice neighborhood, three bedrooms, one bath, a basement, a backyard for the puppies...
Me, Nick, and his dad are going to look at the inside of it today, I'm kind of excited, but also pretty scared, I mean, I panic when it comes to commitment like things, and not in the gay, "oh ryan dumped me, I can never love again" way, but in the, "my dad abandoned me as a child, step dad beat me up, and was raped when seventeen (be proud I just said the word, it's a big step)" way, and I'm trying to get over it, and Nick let me rant and ramble it out last night, so at least I'm not keeping it in. I told him all I wanted was to finish school, settle down, and have kids. We talked about how we didn't want me to get fat when we had babies, which was funny.
So I'll let you know how the house tour goes later. I'm sure once I see it I will love it. Maybe. It might be awful. But I like the idea that this house will be our first home, we might have children in it, I will graduate in it...and I get to be back in Maryland Heights, woot.
Alright. Nick is here, peace out.
-embee
Sunday, July 26, 2009
...and there will always be chocolate milk in my fridge.
I've been super ridiculous hormonal today, and I hate myself a little for it, whilest also realizing that it's not something I could've helped.
My period decided to be a little bitch and visit me a week early...much to my surprise. So, of course, everything upset me today, and I tried to hide it. I took a nap during the Mage game (like V:tM but you're magic, and still alive...and you don't drink blood...and you're not inherently damned.) I felt bad since I was hosting, but it was better that than killing someone, so... I feel like I may have done the world a favor.
Anyway, I was really sad that I didn't get to spend a whole lot of time with William one-on-one, which, looking back now doesn't really bother me. I had a blast, but when we finished the game much later than expected I was near tears because I knew he would basically have to pack and leave.
I think what the real problem was, though, was that I didn't get any me-time this weekend, which is pretty essential when I'm in a hormonal hurricane, because I have to cry in order to feel better, but I don't want to cry while there are two boys in my house. lol. Too much "What wrong!?"
Is it normal to be super upset like that? I'm thinking it probably is. Hormones build up and the only way to release them is through tears, so I took a good cry after William left and now I feel much better, except that I'm a little bummed I was so short with everyone today. What can you do though? right?
School really needs to start up. I kind of wish I wasn't getting roommates though. I really like the freedom I've got right now. No offense to them. I'm just worried how different it's going to be (and how much quieter William and I will have to be. lol.)
I could definitely wake up next to him every morning. I was kind of sad that he had to sleep on the floor in the other room this weekend, but I didn't want Jason to feel awkward.
My period decided to be a little bitch and visit me a week early...much to my surprise. So, of course, everything upset me today, and I tried to hide it. I took a nap during the Mage game (like V:tM but you're magic, and still alive...and you don't drink blood...and you're not inherently damned.) I felt bad since I was hosting, but it was better that than killing someone, so... I feel like I may have done the world a favor.
Anyway, I was really sad that I didn't get to spend a whole lot of time with William one-on-one, which, looking back now doesn't really bother me. I had a blast, but when we finished the game much later than expected I was near tears because I knew he would basically have to pack and leave.
I think what the real problem was, though, was that I didn't get any me-time this weekend, which is pretty essential when I'm in a hormonal hurricane, because I have to cry in order to feel better, but I don't want to cry while there are two boys in my house. lol. Too much "What wrong!?"
Is it normal to be super upset like that? I'm thinking it probably is. Hormones build up and the only way to release them is through tears, so I took a good cry after William left and now I feel much better, except that I'm a little bummed I was so short with everyone today. What can you do though? right?
School really needs to start up. I kind of wish I wasn't getting roommates though. I really like the freedom I've got right now. No offense to them. I'm just worried how different it's going to be (and how much quieter William and I will have to be. lol.)
I could definitely wake up next to him every morning. I was kind of sad that he had to sleep on the floor in the other room this weekend, but I didn't want Jason to feel awkward.
Now ash yourself, yeah, out from the inside...
...I said I loved you but I lied..
I wish I could use that line someday and it be the truth, but I don't think it's really the best thing to lie about love. I know some people do, or they "think" they love you, but wake up one morning and suddenly don't, and I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way. I mean, I've loved people before, I love people now, and when/if those people walk out, I get that crushing feeling on the inside, that feeling in the pit of your stomach like you got punched over and over.
I feel that way a lot lately. It's definatly better, but every once and a while it creeps back up on me and I want to lay in bed and just relive everything over and over.
This isn't about G, by the way. What happened between me and him, that doesn't involve anyone else. No one else knows shit about it, except me and him. And he can tell whomever he wants whatever he wants, as can I, but what actually happened, and what we say happened (respectively), is most likely not how it actually was.
I wanted to talk about friends, but it's so tired. Yeah yeah, we get it MB, they say they want you to be happy until you don't do what they want you to do. Then they hate you, blah blah blah. I mean, seriously, that's not much more to it than that. I can blame it on G, or anyone else, and while he played a minor role in it, if I had dated him instead, wouldn't it have just been another thing another time to make them dislike me? It' not even about him being good looking (not saying he is) (but I don't like ugly people.), or smooth like oil, it's about the fact that, if people really like you, and care about you, you can fuck up over and over and they still want you to be their friends.
Like me and Cindy. How many times have I wronged you, and yet here we are, sharing a blog like a proud emo parent? The friends I have up here, whom I have known for way less time (but love so much), no matter what fucked up, crazy, stupid, random thing I do, while they may say, "you know, Marybeth, I don't agree with that," it's never snarky backhanded shit like I'm so used to. I'm still waiting for it, but I don't think it's coming.
These people complete me, or at least get me. We played VTM last night...I'll explain it in a second. nb (- Jaseper just crawled into my lap)
I just want to say, that even though him and I ended in the complete opposite way I wanted to, I miss the fuck out of him sometimes. It's hard, talking to a person every day about everything, and being in love with them to just hate. Maybe he's better at it than me, I don't know. I'm sure he feels I wronged him completely, and everything is all my fault, but I never pretended that this way anything but what it was. I was with Nick. I loved Nick.
I wish I could have been nicer, but at the same time, I'm glad he finally realized that not speaking was going to be the only way to get away from this. I wish I had told him not to go, but it was for the best. I don't regret where we are now, I'm sure he is happier, I am too. I hate what he said to me, but seriously, after what I said, I kind of had it coming. At any rate, if we never speak again, if he is just some person who walked in my life just to walk back out the revolving door, I'm glad he was there, and I miss him. That's it. This doesn't have to be me saying that he was the best I will ever have, because I don't think that. I think he was like, my best friend, and I miss our chats, but if he's happy and I am too, I can let it be.
Hopefully this is the last time I talk about him. I feel peace with the situation, not so angry. If he's happy with those people, thats okay with me. He said he saw them for who they really are, I hope he remembers it always.
Okay. Enough with the emo gay.
V:TM, last night, omg, I have never laughed so hard in my entire life, I swear on my life.
Okay, so I played a Nosferatu (of course, I really deep down wanted to, and they think Toreadors are homos anyway, so...yeah) named Otto with a dissociative personality disorder (multiple personalities). I won't bore you with his specs (but he is fucking seven feet tall and only has a stump for a right hand), but his flaw was masturbation, and they couldn't get over that.
Liz, the moderator, made us list everything that was in our pockets. Here is what were in mine:
o a watch
o a butter knife
o tiny LED flashlight
o swiss army pocket knife
o lighter
o cigarettes
o lubricant
o ten dollars and 58 cents (10 ones, 2 quarters, 1 nickle, 4 pennies)
o 10 feet of rope
o blond Marilyn Monroe wig
o handcuffs
o cell phone
o burger king coupons for small drink with purchase of a reg. meal
o keys on a ring
o bottle opener
o 7 paper clips
o 4 rubber bands
o Ritenour class ring
o 2 ink pens
o ink cartridge refill kit
o old school nintendo controller
o 4 gb flash drive
o stuffed rabbit
The keys on the ring could be keys to the whole city if I wanted, I had to roll luck to see if I had the ones to the strip club, but I didn't.
Me and Chris basically ganged up on Dennis' character, who played a Toreador coked out with a spirit mentor of Rick James. Chris played a skin head Norweigan Ventrue, Cody and Sarah were playing...oh...what's it called...the gypsie one...Cody was being changed, he was a stripper named bucket...like, money bucket...or cum bucket...and Alex played a Malkavian so fucking deranged that he went into the sewer looking for ninja turtles. It sounds lame here, maybe, but omg, I died, I was laughing so hard, it was just ridiculous. At the end of the game Cody had rabes.
Today at Office Depot I stumbled upon a tiny mouse stuck on a glue pad used for trapping mice. I tried to get over the fact that it was going to die, but could not, and when Rodney and Mark both said they didn't think he could be saved, I'm not going to lie, I cried. Just, like, a tear, because then I realized I was more resourceful than that. So I got on google, looked up what could free it, and found vegetable oil. Nick brought me up some veg oil, and Mark went outside with me to help free the mouse.
AND I FUCKING DID. I was worried I would drown it in oil because it's nose was stuck on the pad, and Mark thought it would take a long time to break down the adhesive, but his legs and tail were loose and slippery quickly (DONT WORRY, I WORE GLOVES), and when he was completely free I pulled his nose off of the stick pad with the little mouses help. He was pretty limp, but I left him some water, and reminded him not to go back in doors, but I'm really glad I saved him.
Mark said he was really proud of me, and didn't think it was possible, but seriously, I knew we could free the mouse. I just didn't know how. SO yay!
My good deed, and I did it because the thought of that little mouse dying like that, slowly and painfully starving made me feel sick and uncomfortable.
I don't think I'm a bad person. No one else wanted to help it but me.
Anyway, time for some television now. Mark promised to check tomorrow and make sure the mouse was gone, or lie to me and say it was.
-embeee
I wish I could use that line someday and it be the truth, but I don't think it's really the best thing to lie about love. I know some people do, or they "think" they love you, but wake up one morning and suddenly don't, and I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way. I mean, I've loved people before, I love people now, and when/if those people walk out, I get that crushing feeling on the inside, that feeling in the pit of your stomach like you got punched over and over.
I feel that way a lot lately. It's definatly better, but every once and a while it creeps back up on me and I want to lay in bed and just relive everything over and over.
This isn't about G, by the way. What happened between me and him, that doesn't involve anyone else. No one else knows shit about it, except me and him. And he can tell whomever he wants whatever he wants, as can I, but what actually happened, and what we say happened (respectively), is most likely not how it actually was.
I wanted to talk about friends, but it's so tired. Yeah yeah, we get it MB, they say they want you to be happy until you don't do what they want you to do. Then they hate you, blah blah blah. I mean, seriously, that's not much more to it than that. I can blame it on G, or anyone else, and while he played a minor role in it, if I had dated him instead, wouldn't it have just been another thing another time to make them dislike me? It' not even about him being good looking (not saying he is) (but I don't like ugly people.), or smooth like oil, it's about the fact that, if people really like you, and care about you, you can fuck up over and over and they still want you to be their friends.
Like me and Cindy. How many times have I wronged you, and yet here we are, sharing a blog like a proud emo parent? The friends I have up here, whom I have known for way less time (but love so much), no matter what fucked up, crazy, stupid, random thing I do, while they may say, "you know, Marybeth, I don't agree with that," it's never snarky backhanded shit like I'm so used to. I'm still waiting for it, but I don't think it's coming.
These people complete me, or at least get me. We played VTM last night...I'll explain it in a second. nb (- Jaseper just crawled into my lap)
I just want to say, that even though him and I ended in the complete opposite way I wanted to, I miss the fuck out of him sometimes. It's hard, talking to a person every day about everything, and being in love with them to just hate. Maybe he's better at it than me, I don't know. I'm sure he feels I wronged him completely, and everything is all my fault, but I never pretended that this way anything but what it was. I was with Nick. I loved Nick.
I wish I could have been nicer, but at the same time, I'm glad he finally realized that not speaking was going to be the only way to get away from this. I wish I had told him not to go, but it was for the best. I don't regret where we are now, I'm sure he is happier, I am too. I hate what he said to me, but seriously, after what I said, I kind of had it coming. At any rate, if we never speak again, if he is just some person who walked in my life just to walk back out the revolving door, I'm glad he was there, and I miss him. That's it. This doesn't have to be me saying that he was the best I will ever have, because I don't think that. I think he was like, my best friend, and I miss our chats, but if he's happy and I am too, I can let it be.
Hopefully this is the last time I talk about him. I feel peace with the situation, not so angry. If he's happy with those people, thats okay with me. He said he saw them for who they really are, I hope he remembers it always.
Okay. Enough with the emo gay.
V:TM, last night, omg, I have never laughed so hard in my entire life, I swear on my life.
Okay, so I played a Nosferatu (of course, I really deep down wanted to, and they think Toreadors are homos anyway, so...yeah) named Otto with a dissociative personality disorder (multiple personalities). I won't bore you with his specs (but he is fucking seven feet tall and only has a stump for a right hand), but his flaw was masturbation, and they couldn't get over that.
Liz, the moderator, made us list everything that was in our pockets. Here is what were in mine:
o a watch
o a butter knife
o tiny LED flashlight
o swiss army pocket knife
o lighter
o cigarettes
o lubricant
o ten dollars and 58 cents (10 ones, 2 quarters, 1 nickle, 4 pennies)
o 10 feet of rope
o blond Marilyn Monroe wig
o handcuffs
o cell phone
o burger king coupons for small drink with purchase of a reg. meal
o keys on a ring
o bottle opener
o 7 paper clips
o 4 rubber bands
o Ritenour class ring
o 2 ink pens
o ink cartridge refill kit
o old school nintendo controller
o 4 gb flash drive
o stuffed rabbit
The keys on the ring could be keys to the whole city if I wanted, I had to roll luck to see if I had the ones to the strip club, but I didn't.
Me and Chris basically ganged up on Dennis' character, who played a Toreador coked out with a spirit mentor of Rick James. Chris played a skin head Norweigan Ventrue, Cody and Sarah were playing...oh...what's it called...the gypsie one...Cody was being changed, he was a stripper named bucket...like, money bucket...or cum bucket...and Alex played a Malkavian so fucking deranged that he went into the sewer looking for ninja turtles. It sounds lame here, maybe, but omg, I died, I was laughing so hard, it was just ridiculous. At the end of the game Cody had rabes.
Today at Office Depot I stumbled upon a tiny mouse stuck on a glue pad used for trapping mice. I tried to get over the fact that it was going to die, but could not, and when Rodney and Mark both said they didn't think he could be saved, I'm not going to lie, I cried. Just, like, a tear, because then I realized I was more resourceful than that. So I got on google, looked up what could free it, and found vegetable oil. Nick brought me up some veg oil, and Mark went outside with me to help free the mouse.
AND I FUCKING DID. I was worried I would drown it in oil because it's nose was stuck on the pad, and Mark thought it would take a long time to break down the adhesive, but his legs and tail were loose and slippery quickly (DONT WORRY, I WORE GLOVES), and when he was completely free I pulled his nose off of the stick pad with the little mouses help. He was pretty limp, but I left him some water, and reminded him not to go back in doors, but I'm really glad I saved him.
Mark said he was really proud of me, and didn't think it was possible, but seriously, I knew we could free the mouse. I just didn't know how. SO yay!
My good deed, and I did it because the thought of that little mouse dying like that, slowly and painfully starving made me feel sick and uncomfortable.
I don't think I'm a bad person. No one else wanted to help it but me.
Anyway, time for some television now. Mark promised to check tomorrow and make sure the mouse was gone, or lie to me and say it was.
-embeee
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Cause I'll be there in the back of your mind from the day we met...
Til the very last night, and it's just too bad you've already had the best days of your life..
Awesome moments in my life, volume one.
OMFG it finally happened. After nearly twenty one years on this planet wishing that it would, it did.
I woke up after going to sleep with messy crazy hair, and woke up with perfect hair.
I knew, I just knew, that if I believed hard enough it would happen. I didn't notice it at first, I wandered around sleepily in my pajamas, looking for a poptart and then went into the bathroom to turn on my straightening iron and had an OMGF moment (yeah, thats OH MY GOD FUCK, btw).
I brushed it, just to make sure it was going to stay and not be destroyed by my touching it, but then sprayed shine spray and a light mist of hair spray, and then voila! Twenty extra minutes to do nothing with!
Everyone commented on how nice it looked, it curled perfectly, it was soft...mmm. I don't want to wash it ever.
So anyway, that's that. Just wanted to share my joy with that.
Here by myself, kinda lonely. Jaspers being all bouncy, he's funny.
peace out nigs
-marybeth
Awesome moments in my life, volume one.
OMFG it finally happened. After nearly twenty one years on this planet wishing that it would, it did.
I woke up after going to sleep with messy crazy hair, and woke up with perfect hair.
I knew, I just knew, that if I believed hard enough it would happen. I didn't notice it at first, I wandered around sleepily in my pajamas, looking for a poptart and then went into the bathroom to turn on my straightening iron and had an OMGF moment (yeah, thats OH MY GOD FUCK, btw).
I brushed it, just to make sure it was going to stay and not be destroyed by my touching it, but then sprayed shine spray and a light mist of hair spray, and then voila! Twenty extra minutes to do nothing with!
Everyone commented on how nice it looked, it curled perfectly, it was soft...mmm. I don't want to wash it ever.
So anyway, that's that. Just wanted to share my joy with that.
Here by myself, kinda lonely. Jaspers being all bouncy, he's funny.
peace out nigs
-marybeth
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Do you ever feel retarded?
Well I do most of the time.
I feel really stupid for being upset the other night. I talked to Clayton of all people and he was basically like, "gtfover yourself." ok, not really, not really at all. He was really sympathetic, but he also told me some things William has said to him about me and what-not, and it made me realize that I was making something out of nothing. Maybe I just needed a reason to be upset, I don't know.
Anyway, I thought you still talked to Courtney? And I can take a weekend off and come down for your bday :D but I'm not 21 so...
I feel really stupid for being upset the other night. I talked to Clayton of all people and he was basically like, "gtfover yourself." ok, not really, not really at all. He was really sympathetic, but he also told me some things William has said to him about me and what-not, and it made me realize that I was making something out of nothing. Maybe I just needed a reason to be upset, I don't know.
Anyway, I thought you still talked to Courtney? And I can take a weekend off and come down for your bday :D but I'm not 21 so...
They say they only want the best wishes for me...
Oh three, two, one, we go live...
Ugh. I don't think I've changed that much, other peoples love still kind of weirds me out, and I'm still sarcastic and emotion bottling, so..
My mom just texted me telling me to start thinking about what I wanted to do for my birthday. It's July, I know, relax, its a my mom thing. She's probably had it planned since I was born. Anyway though, I've never made a big deal out of my birthdays. I'm not really a hey, look at me, bring me gifts because I managed to make my way out of my moms vagina safely. Or any big event, really. Didn't have a grad party, sweet sixteen...I don't know why, just didn't want any of it.
Anyway, so I guess I'm bummed about this because I always kind of figured I would do something with my girl friends or something, and now I know I'm not. Makes my eyes tingle in that you want to cry way but you can't because then your boyfriend will notice and want to talk to you about it.
Anyway, I asked mom what she wanted to do, because I can spend a birthday with my mom, and she said she figured she'd get me after the fact (my mom can drink pretty hard), and that I would go out with my friends, and I responded with what friends. They hate me, remember.
Yes.
I mean, I know it shouldn't bother me, because I knew they were like this before any of this happened, but I won't say it doesn't sting a little. I mean, friends (I thought) didn't mean, we like you until something better comes along. Nick was saying this last night when, for whatever reason, I was defending them saying that they just found something they liked better. I wish life was like a movie in where people screw you over and you automatically just are able to not care and move on with your life and get the best revenge over them by being happy and successful while their lives fall apart around their feet.
However, real life is not that gratifying, and while I bust my ass in school and work trying to get it together, they skate around with parents who fork out money like it grows on trees and don't go to school, or do anything other than suck up air and be more selfish than any amount of people ought to be.
I dunno.
No body deserves the title best friend if they don't sound like the cavalries cannons or aren't willing to bleed next to you.
Nicks friends are better friends. That's really depressing.
It's not like I don't have friends. I have a lot, especially since this whole G-turning-into-the-dick-i-always-suspected-he-was-and-everyone-hating-me-because-i-dont-want-to-keep-dating-selfish-men forever thing, a lot of people rallied around me, and that feels really good, knowing that these are people who like me because I'm a good person who doesn't let people down. Or that I'm funny or something, I dunno.
I just, I guess I miss them. I would cut my arm off before saying it to anyones face, and I don't mean I miss people like Finan. It feels good to be rid of him. No sadness there. But I even miss G a little, as much as I hate him. I wish everything he had said to me had been the truth. I wish that night we were walking around the track, and he made those stupid promises, that I had not believed him. I think that would make this okay. Because he was kind of my best friend, and then...nothing. I dunno. I don't think he reads this anymore, and if he does, I don't care if he knows. It doesn't mean that I want him, or think I should be with him, it means, that as a friend, I miss who he was. When funny things happen, I wish I could tell him. But I can't because I deleted his number, and like I said, I would rather cut off toes than say it to him.
Okay. No more emotions, but it feels good to get it all out.
The new guy at work is a total bro, but we get along really well. We talked about hockey for a long time, and he helped me work on an assignment I have due but am procrastinating hard on.
Also, is it weird I eat spaghetti o's cold? I think they taste better that way.
I dunno.
I think ramen tonight, then some sweaty gym action is in order.
Jasper barks hi!
-mb
Ugh. I don't think I've changed that much, other peoples love still kind of weirds me out, and I'm still sarcastic and emotion bottling, so..
My mom just texted me telling me to start thinking about what I wanted to do for my birthday. It's July, I know, relax, its a my mom thing. She's probably had it planned since I was born. Anyway though, I've never made a big deal out of my birthdays. I'm not really a hey, look at me, bring me gifts because I managed to make my way out of my moms vagina safely. Or any big event, really. Didn't have a grad party, sweet sixteen...I don't know why, just didn't want any of it.
Anyway, so I guess I'm bummed about this because I always kind of figured I would do something with my girl friends or something, and now I know I'm not. Makes my eyes tingle in that you want to cry way but you can't because then your boyfriend will notice and want to talk to you about it.
Anyway, I asked mom what she wanted to do, because I can spend a birthday with my mom, and she said she figured she'd get me after the fact (my mom can drink pretty hard), and that I would go out with my friends, and I responded with what friends. They hate me, remember.
Yes.
I mean, I know it shouldn't bother me, because I knew they were like this before any of this happened, but I won't say it doesn't sting a little. I mean, friends (I thought) didn't mean, we like you until something better comes along. Nick was saying this last night when, for whatever reason, I was defending them saying that they just found something they liked better. I wish life was like a movie in where people screw you over and you automatically just are able to not care and move on with your life and get the best revenge over them by being happy and successful while their lives fall apart around their feet.
However, real life is not that gratifying, and while I bust my ass in school and work trying to get it together, they skate around with parents who fork out money like it grows on trees and don't go to school, or do anything other than suck up air and be more selfish than any amount of people ought to be.
I dunno.
No body deserves the title best friend if they don't sound like the cavalries cannons or aren't willing to bleed next to you.
Nicks friends are better friends. That's really depressing.
It's not like I don't have friends. I have a lot, especially since this whole G-turning-into-the-dick-i-always-suspected-he-was-and-everyone-hating-me-because-i-dont-want-to-keep-dating-selfish-men forever thing, a lot of people rallied around me, and that feels really good, knowing that these are people who like me because I'm a good person who doesn't let people down. Or that I'm funny or something, I dunno.
I just, I guess I miss them. I would cut my arm off before saying it to anyones face, and I don't mean I miss people like Finan. It feels good to be rid of him. No sadness there. But I even miss G a little, as much as I hate him. I wish everything he had said to me had been the truth. I wish that night we were walking around the track, and he made those stupid promises, that I had not believed him. I think that would make this okay. Because he was kind of my best friend, and then...nothing. I dunno. I don't think he reads this anymore, and if he does, I don't care if he knows. It doesn't mean that I want him, or think I should be with him, it means, that as a friend, I miss who he was. When funny things happen, I wish I could tell him. But I can't because I deleted his number, and like I said, I would rather cut off toes than say it to him.
Okay. No more emotions, but it feels good to get it all out.
The new guy at work is a total bro, but we get along really well. We talked about hockey for a long time, and he helped me work on an assignment I have due but am procrastinating hard on.
Also, is it weird I eat spaghetti o's cold? I think they taste better that way.
I dunno.
I think ramen tonight, then some sweaty gym action is in order.
Jasper barks hi!
-mb
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Why why why won't the world revolve around me..?
In my dreams tress grow all over the streets.
Lame sauce tastes kind of lame. Hm.
OMfG. Nickelodeon won't let me play spongebob diner dash! I'm getting upset. I'm also mildly concerned I just said that outloud. Oh well, who is going to judge me, YOU?!
Yeah, thats what I though.
So, finally something interesting happened at work today, and not Ric singing Sexual Healing to me, although that was pretty funny too. Today, I came in looking all good looking and what not and walk into the break room where Bob (assistant manager) and Dustin (retard) (not an actual retard, redneck is a better word) are sitting up there. I say Hi and smile and start putting my stuff into my locker when Bob says, "The police are coming up to talk to you today."
Me: "Um, what? Why?!"
Bob: "They think they cashier was in on it."
[Backstory time!! Yay!! Two Sundays ago some Mexican came in with a stolen credit card and stole like, six hundred dollars worth of gift cards with someone elses credit card. I checked his ID and called for Rodney, so I didn't do anything wrong at this point, but it figures that when my yearly review is coming up I would fuck up badly. Good bye raise.]
Me: (panicking) WHAT?! Why do they think that?!
(my whole future is flashing before my eyes...good bye nursing career...)
Bob (beings gulping down powerade); Just kidding Marybeth. Jeeze.
So, I assumed he had just been joking, but an officer did come up and talk to me, he was nice, I told him what I remembered.
We were there for fucking ever last night. I cleaned the shit out of that place. Someone has to, and god knows the boys won't, but they will be mildly obnoxious and watch me do it, bless them.
Trying to reason with a dog is like reasoning with my toaster. No matter how many times I ask, it still does not give me my toast back.
Nick went to the gym with me last night (miracle of miracles) and they were giving away Dick Enrico talking bobble heads (He's like some pitch man, I didn't know either) free, so Nick took one, and we put it on the floor and played it and omFg, Jasper flips his tiny switch. He starts barking at it and running at the bobble head, snapping at it, but never quite getting close enough to touch it. We die laughing every time. If you come down soon Cindy you have to see it.
You will be down again before Jasper is grown up? He's becoming really solid. Friday I need to set up his neuter appointment. I feel kind of bad, but at the same time I don't want him fucking my baby angel.
Still no diner dash. This is sad.
Jasper peed right next to Nick. So funny. I shouldn't be this amused, but Nick's face is so funny. Yesterday he was cleaning pee, and Jasper peed right next to him in a new spot. Omg, I died laughing.
Alright...I guess I'll go take a shower.
-embee
Lame sauce tastes kind of lame. Hm.
OMfG. Nickelodeon won't let me play spongebob diner dash! I'm getting upset. I'm also mildly concerned I just said that outloud. Oh well, who is going to judge me, YOU?!
Yeah, thats what I though.
So, finally something interesting happened at work today, and not Ric singing Sexual Healing to me, although that was pretty funny too. Today, I came in looking all good looking and what not and walk into the break room where Bob (assistant manager) and Dustin (retard) (not an actual retard, redneck is a better word) are sitting up there. I say Hi and smile and start putting my stuff into my locker when Bob says, "The police are coming up to talk to you today."
Me: "Um, what? Why?!"
Bob: "They think they cashier was in on it."
[Backstory time!! Yay!! Two Sundays ago some Mexican came in with a stolen credit card and stole like, six hundred dollars worth of gift cards with someone elses credit card. I checked his ID and called for Rodney, so I didn't do anything wrong at this point, but it figures that when my yearly review is coming up I would fuck up badly. Good bye raise.]
Me: (panicking) WHAT?! Why do they think that?!
(my whole future is flashing before my eyes...good bye nursing career...)
Bob (beings gulping down powerade); Just kidding Marybeth. Jeeze.
So, I assumed he had just been joking, but an officer did come up and talk to me, he was nice, I told him what I remembered.
We were there for fucking ever last night. I cleaned the shit out of that place. Someone has to, and god knows the boys won't, but they will be mildly obnoxious and watch me do it, bless them.
Trying to reason with a dog is like reasoning with my toaster. No matter how many times I ask, it still does not give me my toast back.
Nick went to the gym with me last night (miracle of miracles) and they were giving away Dick Enrico talking bobble heads (He's like some pitch man, I didn't know either) free, so Nick took one, and we put it on the floor and played it and omFg, Jasper flips his tiny switch. He starts barking at it and running at the bobble head, snapping at it, but never quite getting close enough to touch it. We die laughing every time. If you come down soon Cindy you have to see it.
You will be down again before Jasper is grown up? He's becoming really solid. Friday I need to set up his neuter appointment. I feel kind of bad, but at the same time I don't want him fucking my baby angel.
Still no diner dash. This is sad.
Jasper peed right next to Nick. So funny. I shouldn't be this amused, but Nick's face is so funny. Yesterday he was cleaning pee, and Jasper peed right next to him in a new spot. Omg, I died laughing.
Alright...I guess I'll go take a shower.
-embee
Monday, July 20, 2009
Lame Sauce
Once again, I was being upset over nothing.
He's getting a big hug when he walks in the door friday.
He's getting a big hug when he walks in the door friday.
You and I will be a tough act to follow
Cindy, I will not let you date Garrett, so that bleak future you see for yourself is poof. Gone.
Seriously though, I think William sees a future with you or he wouldn't have gone back out with you in the first place. I mean, if he's as "realistic" as you say he is (I don't know if I think he is, or if he just thinks he is), he would have thought about it and realized that dating you again would be wasting time when he could be finding that perfect someone.
Now. (fucking...Jasper just peed on the carpet...goddamn it) I don't know a lot about love. Or, really anything. But I know that when I was with Ryan, I was miserable all the time. I was constantly worried, I never felt good enough, etc etc. With Nick that all changed, even on our first date, I wore holy jeans and no make up, and he still wanted to see me again, even though I was sarcastic as shit and looked like poo.
And it worries me that you're crying so hard over William, and he hasn't even said anything yet. He shouldn't make you feel like that, and he shouldn't tell you things like that either. You can get a job teaching music. Inner city kids need music teachers too, plus places like Nottlemans have music teachers, private teachers, etc etc. He should be supportive, not make you feel like you should be picking out a new major. I mean, he's majoring in philosophy. You can ONLY work as a college teacher doing that, does he think that just because he has a graduate degree in it he can just waltz in and get a spot. Most places don't hire people with those higher degrees because you have to pay them more to begin with, so he'd probably have to find a job teaching philosophy while he works on his grad degree, and even then nothing is for sure, you have to work as a college professor for forever before the tenure you.
And if all else fails you can join Nicks band and be a drummer. They have one, but I'm sure I could talk him out of it. It's only his best friend since childhood.
lol.
But seriously. Even if you don't end up with William, you can always live here with me. The only reason I agreed on that spare bedroom was because I knew you would be in it the most. You could live with us while you work on finding a job as a music teacher, Nick knows all the music people in town with his job, and his band, so it might even be helpful. And you can meet other music people, and marry one and have children who fucking love chemistry. And then you will call me crying about how you got children like this, and I'll say it was fate, and then our kids will be married and we'll finally be related.
So my whole point is that, if he doesn't know where he sees himself with you, you should tell him you don't know either. Don't waste the pretty.
-embee
Seriously though, I think William sees a future with you or he wouldn't have gone back out with you in the first place. I mean, if he's as "realistic" as you say he is (I don't know if I think he is, or if he just thinks he is), he would have thought about it and realized that dating you again would be wasting time when he could be finding that perfect someone.
Now. (fucking...Jasper just peed on the carpet...goddamn it) I don't know a lot about love. Or, really anything. But I know that when I was with Ryan, I was miserable all the time. I was constantly worried, I never felt good enough, etc etc. With Nick that all changed, even on our first date, I wore holy jeans and no make up, and he still wanted to see me again, even though I was sarcastic as shit and looked like poo.
And it worries me that you're crying so hard over William, and he hasn't even said anything yet. He shouldn't make you feel like that, and he shouldn't tell you things like that either. You can get a job teaching music. Inner city kids need music teachers too, plus places like Nottlemans have music teachers, private teachers, etc etc. He should be supportive, not make you feel like you should be picking out a new major. I mean, he's majoring in philosophy. You can ONLY work as a college teacher doing that, does he think that just because he has a graduate degree in it he can just waltz in and get a spot. Most places don't hire people with those higher degrees because you have to pay them more to begin with, so he'd probably have to find a job teaching philosophy while he works on his grad degree, and even then nothing is for sure, you have to work as a college professor for forever before the tenure you.
And if all else fails you can join Nicks band and be a drummer. They have one, but I'm sure I could talk him out of it. It's only his best friend since childhood.
lol.
But seriously. Even if you don't end up with William, you can always live here with me. The only reason I agreed on that spare bedroom was because I knew you would be in it the most. You could live with us while you work on finding a job as a music teacher, Nick knows all the music people in town with his job, and his band, so it might even be helpful. And you can meet other music people, and marry one and have children who fucking love chemistry. And then you will call me crying about how you got children like this, and I'll say it was fate, and then our kids will be married and we'll finally be related.
So my whole point is that, if he doesn't know where he sees himself with you, you should tell him you don't know either. Don't waste the pretty.
-embee
Sunday, July 19, 2009
I foresee a lot of pain in my future...
I hate that I convince myself that I'm headed down a path that will bring me everything I ever wanted. (this is pretty much the opposite of MB's post, btw.)
I'm so scared, I'm crying. Some days I tell myself that it's good to not know where I'll be or even where I want to be this time two years from now, that it makes me more adaptable to whatever does happen.
"Good luck finding a job teaching music, from what I hear."
I love William, but sometimes he says things that are like a brick wall to the face. We were having a conversation about life after graduation, and how it's going to be hard losing so many friends, but it was a generally pleasant chat. I'm usually happy when I'm thinking about post-grad because I don't allow myself to face reality, when I really should. He's right though. My chances of finding the job I want are slim.
The picture I let myself see is me following him where ever life takes us, and finding whatever job I can in music preferably (because a career is important, but that's not what's going to make my life happy. It's just not. I can't make myself into one of those people who view career as what defines a person. I really wish I could, because it would make the thought of losing William a lot less terrifying.) I'd go with him to grad school, teach English in China, move to east-Jesus nowhere, live on a ranch, I don't care. I can be happy just about anywhere, with the right person. I wish he knew/understood that in a way that wouldn't make him think less of me.
I don't blame him for not thinking I'm the person he's going to be with the rest of his life. I'm too much of an unknown with less than good probabilities. That's why I started a savings account, and why I've become so cheap. I figure that maybe having a bunch of money saved up will make the thought of keeping me around, a little more appealing. That's why I like cooking. That's why I keep my house spotless (except for this weekend, because I was taking a mini-vacation with Marybeth. lol.) It's all cleaned up again now though. I'm trying so hard, even though I know that it's very unlikely to make any sort of difference.
In all reality, I'll probably graduate, move in with my mother, and manage a walmart or something until my loans are paid off, or forever, while teaching private lessons and trying to find a god damn teaching job at an elementary school. Maybe I'll start by working at a daycare, and use the experience to work my way up. Maybe I'll get a masters in education, who knows. I'll start dating some loser, with a future as bleak as mine, who did or didn't go to college. He'll probably do some kind of manual labor job, and we'll live in a shitty house, and fight about bills, and he'll drink. He'll yell at me, and threaten me like my father did. I'll cry all the time. We'll split up, and get back together, and split up, and get back together, and it will make our children hate us. I'll have no respect from my children, and I'll deserve none, because I wont stand up to him for them. I'll just cry, and cry, and wonder how I ended up becoming my mother after making such an effort not to.
That's why I love talking to Marybeth. Because, while she's brutally honest, she knows when I don't want to hear the truth. She'll crack jokes about William and I far into the future, or about how we'll both (her and I) live in Seattle some day.
I know it's better that William doesn't do that, because it would just make our seemingly inevitable post-grad breakup more surprising and painful, but at the same time... sometimes I just want to hear about unlikely what-ifs. Why can't we talk about what it'd be like if we did end up together? Why does that have to be any more taboo than talking about how we, "probably wont even stay friends." I think... it might be because he doesn't want to (stay together that is). He'd never say it if it were true... but I could see it being so.
I have so much homework to do, and instead I'm crying uncontrollably and writing a pathetic blog.
He says I don't tell him things. He's right. I wish I could tell him, but I'm afraid of the effects that telling him would have.
He said I was the type of person he could be with the rest of his life. The type, not the person. He's the person, there is no type.
The problem with saying how I feel, is that if I'm right, he'll probably break up with me "for my own good." If I'm wrong, it will probably just hurt him that I think it. I'm pretty sure I'm more close to being right though.
On the other hand, maybe I should tell him. That way I'm not crying about something I'm not even sure of.
There's a theory that you should only date someone you see a good possibility of spending the rest of your life with. I don't like that theory. I think that the focus should be more on whether you would want to spend the rest of your life with this person. If you would be content having looked into the future seeing that as the outcome.
I wish so badly that I could see into the future... 10 years or so from now. That way I would know if suicide is a better career path. lol.
I know I'm crazy. Don't worry.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I had a pocket full of dreams
But I gave them all to you
Now I think I want them back
So can you tell me if I'm crazy or confused?
Don't ever change
The way you are
I've never loved anyone more.
I'm so scared, I'm crying. Some days I tell myself that it's good to not know where I'll be or even where I want to be this time two years from now, that it makes me more adaptable to whatever does happen.
"Good luck finding a job teaching music, from what I hear."
I love William, but sometimes he says things that are like a brick wall to the face. We were having a conversation about life after graduation, and how it's going to be hard losing so many friends, but it was a generally pleasant chat. I'm usually happy when I'm thinking about post-grad because I don't allow myself to face reality, when I really should. He's right though. My chances of finding the job I want are slim.
The picture I let myself see is me following him where ever life takes us, and finding whatever job I can in music preferably (because a career is important, but that's not what's going to make my life happy. It's just not. I can't make myself into one of those people who view career as what defines a person. I really wish I could, because it would make the thought of losing William a lot less terrifying.) I'd go with him to grad school, teach English in China, move to east-Jesus nowhere, live on a ranch, I don't care. I can be happy just about anywhere, with the right person. I wish he knew/understood that in a way that wouldn't make him think less of me.
I don't blame him for not thinking I'm the person he's going to be with the rest of his life. I'm too much of an unknown with less than good probabilities. That's why I started a savings account, and why I've become so cheap. I figure that maybe having a bunch of money saved up will make the thought of keeping me around, a little more appealing. That's why I like cooking. That's why I keep my house spotless (except for this weekend, because I was taking a mini-vacation with Marybeth. lol.) It's all cleaned up again now though. I'm trying so hard, even though I know that it's very unlikely to make any sort of difference.
In all reality, I'll probably graduate, move in with my mother, and manage a walmart or something until my loans are paid off, or forever, while teaching private lessons and trying to find a god damn teaching job at an elementary school. Maybe I'll start by working at a daycare, and use the experience to work my way up. Maybe I'll get a masters in education, who knows. I'll start dating some loser, with a future as bleak as mine, who did or didn't go to college. He'll probably do some kind of manual labor job, and we'll live in a shitty house, and fight about bills, and he'll drink. He'll yell at me, and threaten me like my father did. I'll cry all the time. We'll split up, and get back together, and split up, and get back together, and it will make our children hate us. I'll have no respect from my children, and I'll deserve none, because I wont stand up to him for them. I'll just cry, and cry, and wonder how I ended up becoming my mother after making such an effort not to.
That's why I love talking to Marybeth. Because, while she's brutally honest, she knows when I don't want to hear the truth. She'll crack jokes about William and I far into the future, or about how we'll both (her and I) live in Seattle some day.
I know it's better that William doesn't do that, because it would just make our seemingly inevitable post-grad breakup more surprising and painful, but at the same time... sometimes I just want to hear about unlikely what-ifs. Why can't we talk about what it'd be like if we did end up together? Why does that have to be any more taboo than talking about how we, "probably wont even stay friends." I think... it might be because he doesn't want to (stay together that is). He'd never say it if it were true... but I could see it being so.
I have so much homework to do, and instead I'm crying uncontrollably and writing a pathetic blog.
He says I don't tell him things. He's right. I wish I could tell him, but I'm afraid of the effects that telling him would have.
He said I was the type of person he could be with the rest of his life. The type, not the person. He's the person, there is no type.
The problem with saying how I feel, is that if I'm right, he'll probably break up with me "for my own good." If I'm wrong, it will probably just hurt him that I think it. I'm pretty sure I'm more close to being right though.
On the other hand, maybe I should tell him. That way I'm not crying about something I'm not even sure of.
There's a theory that you should only date someone you see a good possibility of spending the rest of your life with. I don't like that theory. I think that the focus should be more on whether you would want to spend the rest of your life with this person. If you would be content having looked into the future seeing that as the outcome.
I wish so badly that I could see into the future... 10 years or so from now. That way I would know if suicide is a better career path. lol.
I know I'm crazy. Don't worry.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I had a pocket full of dreams
But I gave them all to you
Now I think I want them back
So can you tell me if I'm crazy or confused?
Don't ever change
The way you are
I've never loved anyone more.
Oh, it is 2:37 in the morning, and I am still awake. Nervous for some reason, I'm not sure why. Perhaps some sort of mischief is afoot that I am not presently aware of but my brain is trying to warn me of anyway. Or not.
At any rate I'm still awake, it's my last night here in Kirksville, and I'm pretty anxious to get home, what with Colbie being injured. I was having nightmares of her not being there when I got home, I think my dog dying would be the worst possible pain I can imagine. Thinking about it right now makes my stomach hurt and twist up in knots. I'm pretty afraid to see her tomorrow, I think I'll probably want to cry. Her throat was just about ripped out, oh...I had been thinking about coming home early but Nick assured me everything was under control.
He's so funny, he has her back feet in socks because she keeps using her back legs to scratch her throat poor baby.
I was thinking about something else lately too. Even more so today after the dream I had last night. I talked to Rodney and Nick about it a lot, and they both agreed that they thought it was a good idea.
After the fag decided the only way to make him feel better about his tiny pencil dick by ridiculing my worst memories (but inspiring a really good conversation between Nick and Rodney about shattering knee caps), I thought about all the things I said to him, and how I wished, that when he decided to be the pussy that he is back (because no real man treats someone he loves and only wants to be happy" that way.) to me that if it hadn't bothered me I could have laughed in his face like I had been doing before instead of feeling shame. And it wasn't shame for calling him ugly and gross, but shame that what had happened was my fault, that he was right and I was crazy.
A few people have made me feel this way in my life, powerless and broke, on my knees. I hate that feeling, because it's always the people you love and trust the most, who want you to trust them completely, who try the hardest at breaking you.
I sat in on that crate in the warehouse listening to Rodney tell me that I was better than him, and how I needed to forget it all, put it out of my head, and I was pathetically saying back that I couldn't and it wasn't that easy.
But I went home and thought, it can be that easy.
Hear me out.
There are all these really good charties and stuff pertaining to my...cause, if you will. I know a lot of good women who have suffered silently in the same way, because saying it outloud brings back the shame and fear and humiliation.
But I didn't do anything wrong.
I wasn't my fault.
I didn't ask for it. I was in the wrong place, at the wrong time, and no mater what you think you know, you don't.
Especially people like Fag. He didn't even know me then. He wants to tell me to take medication.
I sought help. I talked to people, I took medicine. It cause post traumatic stress syndrome.
I don't sit alone in my room wallowing in my own self-patheticness, drinking away my so-called problems.
I am making something out of my life. And I refuse to let someone like him beat me, or reduce me to tears in a warehouse ever again because of it.
I am going to rid myself of my fear and shame and blame. I'm ready for it now. I guess, in a way, I could thank the fag, if he hadn't been such a rotting person on the inside, I might never have actually done it.
I guess I feel hopeful for the first time in a while. I have my boyfriend, real, good people I can call friends, a family I love, and future that doesn't look anywhere but up. How could I be dissatisfied.
I'm honestly now. I feel so happy on the inside I could burst. It's hard to maintain the sarcastic facade lately when I kind of want to start waltzing with complete strangers.
I've never been a firm believer in fate or chance, but if I were I would say everything happens for a reason. If I had never started with el faggo I never would have realized that I can speak for myself and be free of shame, never would have known how much I love Nick, how much I want him in my life, and surely never would have known who my friends truly are.
It feels so good.
I'm grinning now.
If you still read this, G, thanks. You can burn in hell and die, but at the same time, thank you. Even though I know you don't really want me to be happy, because on the inside you are a miserable little boy incapable of feeling anything for anyone but yourself, thank you. I don't think I would have realize any of this with out your treachery, manipulativeness, and general douchebaggery. Instead I would probably be with you, just as gross on the inside as you are.
You would never have been "the best I ever could have" or whatever it was you think, because you spent the whole time trying to be with my lying, backstabbing, and being manipulative.
How would I deserve that?
And as for being single, I think you deserve to be that way for a long time. How can you hope to ever love someone if you don't love yourself? And, please, don't kid yourself, someone who drinks themselves to sleep doesn't love themself. You can deny this as long as you want, some day I'll be seeing you again in a hospital, just as sad and pathetic as you are now, and I will, beside enjoying the karma of it all, be able to show you that I was right all along.
Mmm..
I love the movie Ever After. Happy endings are the best I think. :)
-embee
At any rate I'm still awake, it's my last night here in Kirksville, and I'm pretty anxious to get home, what with Colbie being injured. I was having nightmares of her not being there when I got home, I think my dog dying would be the worst possible pain I can imagine. Thinking about it right now makes my stomach hurt and twist up in knots. I'm pretty afraid to see her tomorrow, I think I'll probably want to cry. Her throat was just about ripped out, oh...I had been thinking about coming home early but Nick assured me everything was under control.
He's so funny, he has her back feet in socks because she keeps using her back legs to scratch her throat poor baby.
I was thinking about something else lately too. Even more so today after the dream I had last night. I talked to Rodney and Nick about it a lot, and they both agreed that they thought it was a good idea.
After the fag decided the only way to make him feel better about his tiny pencil dick by ridiculing my worst memories (but inspiring a really good conversation between Nick and Rodney about shattering knee caps), I thought about all the things I said to him, and how I wished, that when he decided to be the pussy that he is back (because no real man treats someone he loves and only wants to be happy" that way.) to me that if it hadn't bothered me I could have laughed in his face like I had been doing before instead of feeling shame. And it wasn't shame for calling him ugly and gross, but shame that what had happened was my fault, that he was right and I was crazy.
A few people have made me feel this way in my life, powerless and broke, on my knees. I hate that feeling, because it's always the people you love and trust the most, who want you to trust them completely, who try the hardest at breaking you.
I sat in on that crate in the warehouse listening to Rodney tell me that I was better than him, and how I needed to forget it all, put it out of my head, and I was pathetically saying back that I couldn't and it wasn't that easy.
But I went home and thought, it can be that easy.
Hear me out.
There are all these really good charties and stuff pertaining to my...cause, if you will. I know a lot of good women who have suffered silently in the same way, because saying it outloud brings back the shame and fear and humiliation.
But I didn't do anything wrong.
I wasn't my fault.
I didn't ask for it. I was in the wrong place, at the wrong time, and no mater what you think you know, you don't.
Especially people like Fag. He didn't even know me then. He wants to tell me to take medication.
I sought help. I talked to people, I took medicine. It cause post traumatic stress syndrome.
I don't sit alone in my room wallowing in my own self-patheticness, drinking away my so-called problems.
I am making something out of my life. And I refuse to let someone like him beat me, or reduce me to tears in a warehouse ever again because of it.
I am going to rid myself of my fear and shame and blame. I'm ready for it now. I guess, in a way, I could thank the fag, if he hadn't been such a rotting person on the inside, I might never have actually done it.
I guess I feel hopeful for the first time in a while. I have my boyfriend, real, good people I can call friends, a family I love, and future that doesn't look anywhere but up. How could I be dissatisfied.
I'm honestly now. I feel so happy on the inside I could burst. It's hard to maintain the sarcastic facade lately when I kind of want to start waltzing with complete strangers.
I've never been a firm believer in fate or chance, but if I were I would say everything happens for a reason. If I had never started with el faggo I never would have realized that I can speak for myself and be free of shame, never would have known how much I love Nick, how much I want him in my life, and surely never would have known who my friends truly are.
It feels so good.
I'm grinning now.
If you still read this, G, thanks. You can burn in hell and die, but at the same time, thank you. Even though I know you don't really want me to be happy, because on the inside you are a miserable little boy incapable of feeling anything for anyone but yourself, thank you. I don't think I would have realize any of this with out your treachery, manipulativeness, and general douchebaggery. Instead I would probably be with you, just as gross on the inside as you are.
You would never have been "the best I ever could have" or whatever it was you think, because you spent the whole time trying to be with my lying, backstabbing, and being manipulative.
How would I deserve that?
And as for being single, I think you deserve to be that way for a long time. How can you hope to ever love someone if you don't love yourself? And, please, don't kid yourself, someone who drinks themselves to sleep doesn't love themself. You can deny this as long as you want, some day I'll be seeing you again in a hospital, just as sad and pathetic as you are now, and I will, beside enjoying the karma of it all, be able to show you that I was right all along.
Mmm..
I love the movie Ever After. Happy endings are the best I think. :)
-embee
Thursday, July 16, 2009
yay...
I made it to Truman on half a tank of gas, so that's just about the most awesome thing ever. I filled my tank (nine dollars, its was three fourths full) and spent three hours driving down seventy. Two girls were abducted, I felt really bad, they were only thirteen and ten. I hope someone found them. I only know this because of the signs on the road, I didn't actually see this.
I stopped at a gas station on 63 and got skittles and coffee, it was like twelve thirty. That kept me going. Also, the two best things on the planet are cruise control and a gps through my phone. I was sitting barefooted, crosslegged in the car with the gps in my iPod holder. It gives turn by turn directions, so awesome.
So, I'm excited for other reasons than just being here. Nick and I have been pretty rocky since I told him of my monumental mistake with the faggot. He's been pretty mad at me, understandably so. I've been on my toes mostly, trying to remind of him of why he loves me, and sometimes doing over the top things like buying him Motorhead tickets and doing the dishes every night and such.
Anyway, before I left he finally (yay!) told me that he thought things were going to be okay between us, that he wanted to work things out, and that he was going to miss me. I almost cried in relief. I know what I did with the fag was wrong, I've regretted it ever since I had started it, but being honest with Nick was crucial, because I want to spend forever with him, and the fact that he forgives me and still loves me is just...oh. Perfect.
Anyway, just wanted to blog out that I made it safely and the love of my life still loves me.
All is wonderful.
-embee
I stopped at a gas station on 63 and got skittles and coffee, it was like twelve thirty. That kept me going. Also, the two best things on the planet are cruise control and a gps through my phone. I was sitting barefooted, crosslegged in the car with the gps in my iPod holder. It gives turn by turn directions, so awesome.
So, I'm excited for other reasons than just being here. Nick and I have been pretty rocky since I told him of my monumental mistake with the faggot. He's been pretty mad at me, understandably so. I've been on my toes mostly, trying to remind of him of why he loves me, and sometimes doing over the top things like buying him Motorhead tickets and doing the dishes every night and such.
Anyway, before I left he finally (yay!) told me that he thought things were going to be okay between us, that he wanted to work things out, and that he was going to miss me. I almost cried in relief. I know what I did with the fag was wrong, I've regretted it ever since I had started it, but being honest with Nick was crucial, because I want to spend forever with him, and the fact that he forgives me and still loves me is just...oh. Perfect.
Anyway, just wanted to blog out that I made it safely and the love of my life still loves me.
All is wonderful.
-embee
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Now I want to call you a whore
I'll just settle for slut.
If it makes you feel any better, I must not be upset about being forced to have sex with a stranger because I slept with David, but couldn't do it with you-know-who. Doesn't matter that he couldn't get it up, or shut his fucking mouth while I was trying to, or that he had no rhythm, and had awful tasting breath. It must be me.
Oh and that I deserved it, might have made it up, and needed counseling and medication.
That's the kind of person you are trying to reason with. That is there train of thought. "I didn't get to have sex with her and she doesn't want to date me because I am a self absorbed, lying, virgin with no job, car, or ambitions in life, so I'm going to pick apart the worst thing that ever could happen to someone and make it out like she deserved it to make myself feel better about my tiny penis."
I think that was a run on sentence. Oh well.
My point is that you shouldn't stress about it. I'm sure you're not, but just in case, that seemed a little pent up. If anything it just gives themselves something to be outraged about, and call us stupid, ugly girls.
"What?! How dare her call us gay!! Just because I can deep throat a nine and a half inch penis doesn't make me gay!!! It's not gay if there are no emotions, right?"
No, it's not gay if there are no penis' involved.
But nice try.
Okay, so the James Bond movie "Never Say Never Again," is my least favorite. James is too old, he's farty. Sorry Sean!
This time tomorrow night I will be on my way to your place. I can hardly wait!
-embee
If it makes you feel any better, I must not be upset about being forced to have sex with a stranger because I slept with David, but couldn't do it with you-know-who. Doesn't matter that he couldn't get it up, or shut his fucking mouth while I was trying to, or that he had no rhythm, and had awful tasting breath. It must be me.
Oh and that I deserved it, might have made it up, and needed counseling and medication.
That's the kind of person you are trying to reason with. That is there train of thought. "I didn't get to have sex with her and she doesn't want to date me because I am a self absorbed, lying, virgin with no job, car, or ambitions in life, so I'm going to pick apart the worst thing that ever could happen to someone and make it out like she deserved it to make myself feel better about my tiny penis."
I think that was a run on sentence. Oh well.
My point is that you shouldn't stress about it. I'm sure you're not, but just in case, that seemed a little pent up. If anything it just gives themselves something to be outraged about, and call us stupid, ugly girls.
"What?! How dare her call us gay!! Just because I can deep throat a nine and a half inch penis doesn't make me gay!!! It's not gay if there are no emotions, right?"
No, it's not gay if there are no penis' involved.
But nice try.
Okay, so the James Bond movie "Never Say Never Again," is my least favorite. James is too old, he's farty. Sorry Sean!
This time tomorrow night I will be on my way to your place. I can hardly wait!
-embee
I thought since others are probably reading, I'd say a few words...
I'm taking advantage of MB's mistake of telling Garrett about this site, to say some words of my own.
I never really understood where I got off being dubbed the "whore" of the group. I like to think I was one of the least whorish, not that I didn't have my moments. I'd definitely say that I'm one of the more moralistic people. I mean, everyone is all lies, and deceit, and cheating on everyone with everyone... I've only dated one person since I left you all, and I've only slept with one as well. As much as I'm sure you'd all like to believe I went to college and started collecting STDs like they were trading cards.
As for Adam... the fact that he still has a problem with me is absolutely ridiculous. I mean, I was never really friends with him so it didn't really effect me, but it's so stupid. The fact that he EVER had a problem with me is just as absurd, really. I ruined his life? How does anyone believe that? Hello! First of all I did nothing wrong. You'd think through all that flirty shit and sitting next to each other, etc all night that at some point he'd have been like, "Oh, yeah, and I have a girlfriend." ooooor... one of you all who actually knew Adam could've spoken up and been like, "Hey, maybe you guys should, y'know, not be all over each other." I was single, and as far as I knew he was. The only rule I thought I was breaking was the fact that he had dated my sister (2 years prior and only for a few months or something) Anyway, no one said shit to me about it until we were leaving and Bender was like, "uh, maybe we should not tell anyone, since he has a girlfriend and all." and I was like, "..." and also pretty pissed because I thought that it might have developed into something (thank god it didn't though... ugh) and it was like, "oh.. no, he's a lying bastard." and then Bender goes telling everyone (I'm sure it wasn't just him, but I know it was at least him) that we slept together and I'm a dirty whore, and I ruined his life, and then Theresa dumps him and everyone blames me (again, wtf?) and we haven't spoken since. Then someone (I'm assuming someone who was not there... or at least I'm hoping) goes a step further and starts telling people that Adam, Finan, Bender and I all slept together (even though Courtney-dating Bender at the time-was freaking there...) OH OH!! And my favorite part is that no one cares, or even seems to remember what was going on between Finan and Nicole that night. Of course, anything that taints Finan's name must be all hush hush, because everyone listens to him when he tells them to stop talking about something for some reason.
If anyone deserves the title Big Cheating Whore, it's Finan. Oh, right, but we can't talk about what happened with him and Bender while they were dating Marybeth and Courtney respectively. Why? Because they're secretly gay and don't want to admit it? That's the only reason I can think of.
My number is on one hand. How many of you can count yours even using every limb on your body?
Stop calling me a fucking whore.
THAT is why I don't come see you guys anymore. THAT is why I don't talk to you. Someone always has to make a comment about my "big gaping vagina." STFU. I know you're all insecure, and it makes you feel better about yourself if you're "not a whore compared to Cindy," but seriously? Grow the fuck up.
Also, as I'm sure it could be used against my name to say that I am a whore because I slept with Corey Casey... That was the biggest mistake of my life, but do you want to know why I made it? Because like usual, I was at Ryan's having a good time and someone brings up my whorishness and it goes from joking to being outright mean to me. So I go to get away from everyone to the basement and run into Corey who is upset over some girl drama or something. He started making moves on me and eventually I was like, "y'know what, everyone already thinks I'm a fucking whore, so why don't I just act like it." Also, for the record (although I know no one actually believed his little, "she took advantage of me" bullshit) He made the first, second, third, and last move. I just kind of laid there like a dead fish and let it all happen. I mean, he even had to move my hand to his... well, you get the picture. If someone had been watching it would have looked like I had been drugged.
Anyway, I'm glad to get that off my chest in a way that isn't all over facebook. Not that this is private, but only a handful of people see it, and I want them all, specifically, to see it. I'm old enough to understand that the world as a whole doesn't give a shit about my problems. I also understand that my problems, were they made public, would be seen as trivial in comparison to shit that really matters.
I never really understood where I got off being dubbed the "whore" of the group. I like to think I was one of the least whorish, not that I didn't have my moments. I'd definitely say that I'm one of the more moralistic people. I mean, everyone is all lies, and deceit, and cheating on everyone with everyone... I've only dated one person since I left you all, and I've only slept with one as well. As much as I'm sure you'd all like to believe I went to college and started collecting STDs like they were trading cards.
As for Adam... the fact that he still has a problem with me is absolutely ridiculous. I mean, I was never really friends with him so it didn't really effect me, but it's so stupid. The fact that he EVER had a problem with me is just as absurd, really. I ruined his life? How does anyone believe that? Hello! First of all I did nothing wrong. You'd think through all that flirty shit and sitting next to each other, etc all night that at some point he'd have been like, "Oh, yeah, and I have a girlfriend." ooooor... one of you all who actually knew Adam could've spoken up and been like, "Hey, maybe you guys should, y'know, not be all over each other." I was single, and as far as I knew he was. The only rule I thought I was breaking was the fact that he had dated my sister (2 years prior and only for a few months or something) Anyway, no one said shit to me about it until we were leaving and Bender was like, "uh, maybe we should not tell anyone, since he has a girlfriend and all." and I was like, "..." and also pretty pissed because I thought that it might have developed into something (thank god it didn't though... ugh) and it was like, "oh.. no, he's a lying bastard." and then Bender goes telling everyone (I'm sure it wasn't just him, but I know it was at least him) that we slept together and I'm a dirty whore, and I ruined his life, and then Theresa dumps him and everyone blames me (again, wtf?) and we haven't spoken since. Then someone (I'm assuming someone who was not there... or at least I'm hoping) goes a step further and starts telling people that Adam, Finan, Bender and I all slept together (even though Courtney-dating Bender at the time-was freaking there...) OH OH!! And my favorite part is that no one cares, or even seems to remember what was going on between Finan and Nicole that night. Of course, anything that taints Finan's name must be all hush hush, because everyone listens to him when he tells them to stop talking about something for some reason.
If anyone deserves the title Big Cheating Whore, it's Finan. Oh, right, but we can't talk about what happened with him and Bender while they were dating Marybeth and Courtney respectively. Why? Because they're secretly gay and don't want to admit it? That's the only reason I can think of.
My number is on one hand. How many of you can count yours even using every limb on your body?
Stop calling me a fucking whore.
THAT is why I don't come see you guys anymore. THAT is why I don't talk to you. Someone always has to make a comment about my "big gaping vagina." STFU. I know you're all insecure, and it makes you feel better about yourself if you're "not a whore compared to Cindy," but seriously? Grow the fuck up.
Also, as I'm sure it could be used against my name to say that I am a whore because I slept with Corey Casey... That was the biggest mistake of my life, but do you want to know why I made it? Because like usual, I was at Ryan's having a good time and someone brings up my whorishness and it goes from joking to being outright mean to me. So I go to get away from everyone to the basement and run into Corey who is upset over some girl drama or something. He started making moves on me and eventually I was like, "y'know what, everyone already thinks I'm a fucking whore, so why don't I just act like it." Also, for the record (although I know no one actually believed his little, "she took advantage of me" bullshit) He made the first, second, third, and last move. I just kind of laid there like a dead fish and let it all happen. I mean, he even had to move my hand to his... well, you get the picture. If someone had been watching it would have looked like I had been drugged.
Anyway, I'm glad to get that off my chest in a way that isn't all over facebook. Not that this is private, but only a handful of people see it, and I want them all, specifically, to see it. I'm old enough to understand that the world as a whole doesn't give a shit about my problems. I also understand that my problems, were they made public, would be seen as trivial in comparison to shit that really matters.
what do you mean, paper weight?!
...different types of paper weigh differently...depending on their weight...I mean...how many different ways can I explain this to you? The heavier, the better quality. Your laser printer is less likely to fuck the shit out of it. Although I didn't word it like that, mostly I talked about paper quality and alternated between blank stares and eye rolls.
Ah, the many hours of my life wasted talking about paper, staples, and lubricant for shredders.
And before you say one fucking thing, yes, if you want your shredder to work longer than a month, you need oil. It's like a car. But it shreds things.
Seriously, and, please, why would you jam fifty pages in at once? Just..
mmm...people abusing technology almost makes me sad. When I see a beaten and broken shredder or printer, I almost want to bury it and say nice things about it.
Instead I recycle it!
yay!
that's it, just had to vent that out.
peace
bd
Ah, the many hours of my life wasted talking about paper, staples, and lubricant for shredders.
And before you say one fucking thing, yes, if you want your shredder to work longer than a month, you need oil. It's like a car. But it shreds things.
Seriously, and, please, why would you jam fifty pages in at once? Just..
mmm...people abusing technology almost makes me sad. When I see a beaten and broken shredder or printer, I almost want to bury it and say nice things about it.
Instead I recycle it!
yay!
that's it, just had to vent that out.
peace
bd
Sunday, July 12, 2009
When I am laid in Earth
May my wrongs create no trouble.
It's a song (Dido's Lament). lol. I sang it last year and your title reminded me of it.
It's a song (Dido's Lament). lol. I sang it last year and your title reminded me of it.
save it for me
Tonight I finally buckled and hung out with Korey. I've been resisting because Korey has made it quite known that he thinks I'm cute and awesome, and once was hitting my ass which was not cool. Anyway though, I did, we were gonna watch Star Trek, but instead I ended up cooking soup for his three year old and coloring with her the whole time. It was a lot more fun that I thought it would be, I really like her.
So, Rodney is like, still one of the better people I know. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't spend ten minutes in the warehouse hyperventilating, and Rodneys advice was pretty good. I especially enjoyed the part where he said, "fuck that dude," with that scary ass look on his face.
But he was right. This is the last time I will say anything about you and your ugly, slightly feminine face. I think it's cute and sad all at the same time that the only way you can think to insult me is to bring up my incident like you know. Oh, boo hoo, poor G didn't get to get his dick wet because he can't get it up, so now I have to lash out and say stupid things because I am stupid. And you are.
You have no job. No car. Live with mommy. No ambitions. A liar. Graduated valedictorian, which I was pretty impressed with, until...it was a school with two people in the class. Good job, any retard who goes can do that, fifty fifty shot. Your pussy is so big it catches the tears you cry at night.
I'm upset that you're single and I'm not? Hardly. I could have been with you, but the thought made my insides sick.
And, I slept with David because he COULD get it up, and for the record, you are smaller than he was you faggot fairy fuck.
I'm not afraid of sleeping with anyone, least of all you. You had a girlfriend who let you inside of her and you still didn't learn anything other than how to be whiney and a drain on society.
If I never see your redneck, bad taste in music, small penis, bad kissing self again it will be too soon.
Mmm, Cindy, four days! yaya! I'm excited, my new phone has GPS, no way can I get lost (I'm going to get lost)
<3 <3 <3
Marybeth
p.s. G wrote a love letter. I uploaded it at work today. Slightly immature, but so fun to watch the guys laugh and call him gay.
Because he is.
Anyway, no more. Promise.
So, Rodney is like, still one of the better people I know. I'm not going to lie and say I didn't spend ten minutes in the warehouse hyperventilating, and Rodneys advice was pretty good. I especially enjoyed the part where he said, "fuck that dude," with that scary ass look on his face.
But he was right. This is the last time I will say anything about you and your ugly, slightly feminine face. I think it's cute and sad all at the same time that the only way you can think to insult me is to bring up my incident like you know. Oh, boo hoo, poor G didn't get to get his dick wet because he can't get it up, so now I have to lash out and say stupid things because I am stupid. And you are.
You have no job. No car. Live with mommy. No ambitions. A liar. Graduated valedictorian, which I was pretty impressed with, until...it was a school with two people in the class. Good job, any retard who goes can do that, fifty fifty shot. Your pussy is so big it catches the tears you cry at night.
I'm upset that you're single and I'm not? Hardly. I could have been with you, but the thought made my insides sick.
And, I slept with David because he COULD get it up, and for the record, you are smaller than he was you faggot fairy fuck.
I'm not afraid of sleeping with anyone, least of all you. You had a girlfriend who let you inside of her and you still didn't learn anything other than how to be whiney and a drain on society.
If I never see your redneck, bad taste in music, small penis, bad kissing self again it will be too soon.
Mmm, Cindy, four days! yaya! I'm excited, my new phone has GPS, no way can I get lost (I'm going to get lost)
<3 <3 <3
Marybeth
p.s. G wrote a love letter. I uploaded it at work today. Slightly immature, but so fun to watch the guys laugh and call him gay.
Because he is.
Anyway, no more. Promise.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
when i am dead, lay me in a mound
I have a new phone. It's taking some getting used to because there is a whole keyboard on it, but I'm slowly getting the hang of it. I've only put half of my phone numbers in it...I'm sooo lazy. Oh well though, I can fucking facebook on it, that's got to be just the best thing ever.
I think it takes a real big person to sit on the phone with me for two and half hours and let me fucking rip them apart without slinging almost any insults back. There were a few, but it was mostly me and my cutting sarcasm. I'm sure his dog found the pieces of him on the floor that next morning. And yet, it's so weird, he still wants to talk to me even though I made it pretty clear that the second I figured out how to stop speaking with them I was never going to look back. I don't get it.
Did you know you can deep fry a chicken patty? Me either. You deep fry just about anything. I think that's Nick's favorite thing right now, deep frying.
I'm going to shake in bake. I'm excited! I totally lied to him and told him I knew how to do it, so hopefully it's easy! *crosses fingers*
Hm. Hair colored, should be okay, though it is still wet and Nick thinks it looks brown. Hm. It's aburney.
<3!
mb
I think it takes a real big person to sit on the phone with me for two and half hours and let me fucking rip them apart without slinging almost any insults back. There were a few, but it was mostly me and my cutting sarcasm. I'm sure his dog found the pieces of him on the floor that next morning. And yet, it's so weird, he still wants to talk to me even though I made it pretty clear that the second I figured out how to stop speaking with them I was never going to look back. I don't get it.
Did you know you can deep fry a chicken patty? Me either. You deep fry just about anything. I think that's Nick's favorite thing right now, deep frying.
I'm going to shake in bake. I'm excited! I totally lied to him and told him I knew how to do it, so hopefully it's easy! *crosses fingers*
Hm. Hair colored, should be okay, though it is still wet and Nick thinks it looks brown. Hm. It's aburney.
<3!
mb
Friday, July 10, 2009
mmm fast food
It's been so long, it's like an orgasm in my mouth.
Cindy, Justin is really cute. I went through his piknik pictures and he is also very funny. Too bad he doesn't go to Truman and that he dated Leah.
Anyway I feel your pain with work. I close tonight, open tomorrow, open AND close Sunday, close Monday, and then a sweet day off on Tuesday. I love Tuesdays. I almost always have them off. Thursdays are the same. Love days where I don't have know the difference between seven different types of paper.
Also me and Tish talked last night! We haven't talked in a long time, and it was nice to hear her voice. She's like, the opposite of me. She will say whatever about whatever, and when I told her what had been going on recently and her response was priceless. I was crying tears of laughter. She wants to bring everyone over and hold them down. Tish really likes Nick, too, and has no respect for liars and two faces. Except Nick's Halloween costume which was pretty epic.
But I digress, I always seem to forget the good people in my life, instead trying to make the shitty ones like me. I think this is something, as humans, we all tend to do in our quest to make everyone love us, even if we do not feel the same.
But it feels good to know that I do have people around who do love me and that I am not alone, or worthless, or whatever else. Who would not repeatedly stab me in the back, or make promises they never intended to keep.
I think I thought I could have worked things out with G, until I found out about his backstabbery.
Theres a quote that says, "When people show you who they are, believe them."
It bothers me that that night we talked he said all that stuff that was lies, because he thought it was what I wanted to hear. But I'm going to try to stop worrying about it. He told me he was hallucinating, but when I try and help him he wants me to let it go. It was hard, at first, but he has friends, let them sort it out. He's probably drinking again. I can't fix him. He'll learn, when he loses it for real or when his liver is failing in sixty years.
So, the day I leave, the weather is party cloudy! Yay, no rain! I absolutely loathe driving in the rain. So I'm excited for that.
Time to do my hair.
Have fun with William, let me know if you guys play hide n seek!
*embee
Cindy, Justin is really cute. I went through his piknik pictures and he is also very funny. Too bad he doesn't go to Truman and that he dated Leah.
Anyway I feel your pain with work. I close tonight, open tomorrow, open AND close Sunday, close Monday, and then a sweet day off on Tuesday. I love Tuesdays. I almost always have them off. Thursdays are the same. Love days where I don't have know the difference between seven different types of paper.
Also me and Tish talked last night! We haven't talked in a long time, and it was nice to hear her voice. She's like, the opposite of me. She will say whatever about whatever, and when I told her what had been going on recently and her response was priceless. I was crying tears of laughter. She wants to bring everyone over and hold them down. Tish really likes Nick, too, and has no respect for liars and two faces. Except Nick's Halloween costume which was pretty epic.
But I digress, I always seem to forget the good people in my life, instead trying to make the shitty ones like me. I think this is something, as humans, we all tend to do in our quest to make everyone love us, even if we do not feel the same.
But it feels good to know that I do have people around who do love me and that I am not alone, or worthless, or whatever else. Who would not repeatedly stab me in the back, or make promises they never intended to keep.
I think I thought I could have worked things out with G, until I found out about his backstabbery.
Theres a quote that says, "When people show you who they are, believe them."
It bothers me that that night we talked he said all that stuff that was lies, because he thought it was what I wanted to hear. But I'm going to try to stop worrying about it. He told me he was hallucinating, but when I try and help him he wants me to let it go. It was hard, at first, but he has friends, let them sort it out. He's probably drinking again. I can't fix him. He'll learn, when he loses it for real or when his liver is failing in sixty years.
So, the day I leave, the weather is party cloudy! Yay, no rain! I absolutely loathe driving in the rain. So I'm excited for that.
Time to do my hair.
Have fun with William, let me know if you guys play hide n seek!
*embee
Wucking FalMart...
I have to go to work in like 0.2 seconds... *sigh* I closed last night and open this morning. Effing bullshit.
Anyway, I don't care because William will get here after I get off :D (yays). Although I do care because I'm afraid he's gonna get here and I'm gonna be like, "It's great to see--zzzzzzzz..." and just collapse. I might actually take a nap for realz though. I'm sure e wouldn't mind if he took one with me :) (nothing sexual being implied there)
I told him about hide and seek. He basically told me I was a weirdo. lol. We'll see though. I still think by the end of the weekend....
We'll have played a lot of Halo... that's what I was getting at ;)
"Less-than-three you!"
Work >.> Damn you, work.
Anyway, I don't care because William will get here after I get off :D (yays). Although I do care because I'm afraid he's gonna get here and I'm gonna be like, "It's great to see--zzzzzzzz..." and just collapse. I might actually take a nap for realz though. I'm sure e wouldn't mind if he took one with me :) (nothing sexual being implied there)
I told him about hide and seek. He basically told me I was a weirdo. lol. We'll see though. I still think by the end of the weekend....
We'll have played a lot of Halo... that's what I was getting at ;)
"Less-than-three you!"
Work >.> Damn you, work.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Where is your boy tonight?
I hope he is a gentleman...
Mmm, boy is at band practice AGAIN. I hate it, but I am also the one who told him that if he was hard core, brutal serious about this band thing then he needed to be practicing more than once a week. And, bless his heart, he said, "but then I won't get to see you."
Yeah. I know. I hate it. But how can he be a fucking musician if he has to come home and play with me? So I send him away just about every night to have band practice and occasionally do other things. Like tonight he is doing laundry and bringing me home stamps.
And I went to the gym. I think, every night that he leaves I end up there. I never see any girls who go without their boyfriends. Maybe their boyfriends drag them with them? I have to drag mine to go with me. Perhaps I wear the penis in our relationship.
Mmm, no, wait, that's him.
The only way to feel again is let love in.
That's a good thing about him not being here. No metal. I like metal, but sometimes I want to listen to something that doesn't make my neighbor thing I worship Satan. Although, when the fags across the way were listening to their 30 Seconds to Mars, some nice fucking amon amarth drowned it right out.
Earlier, however, blinds shut, was a good moment for me to dance around singing catchy songs that would make my boyfriend laugh at me. Last night he was funny drunk when he got home from Nates, I like Nick when he can be loosey goosey like that. Normally he doesn't let go like that, but him and Nate were bbqing and doing man shit, and I think that helps. Plus he kind of got fucked at work. But any time my boyfriend is dancing around the living room in a pink polka doted sheet is a good thing.
The faith you've found I've never felt
I guess this blog is going to be brought you by Nick. Hope you don't mind Cindy.
Dude, meeting Nick was like, the weirdest thing ever, because we spent zero time as friends. I still have the first messages where we talked on facebook. He wanted to know about my bass playing, what bands I liked, what bands I didn't like, my political opinions, it was nice to have someone interested in what I thought instead of just blathering on about themselves. It's rare. It took me favor to figure things out about Nick. I think the first thing I figured out about him was his temper, he's got a short fuse like I do, but we rarely both lose it at the same time.
First date, I drove all the way to West County at met him at Dicks, and he thought I was standing him up because he asked where I was and I said I was there, but really I was using the bathroom in the food court. We met by the animal golf coverings. I was wearing ripped up jeans and a black t-shirt, no make up or nothing. He was wearing a black leather jacket, and I thought he was way too good looking to be interested in me. We built snowmen. That's probably when I fell in love with him, he brought me a pair of gloves. He had the same sense of humor I did, and couldn't get over how small my pinkys were.
Second date we went to the City Museum. He thought, since I was from a small area that I must never have been there. I should have lied to him and said I hadn't. We climbed through tunnels and he didnt make me climb up the wires outside because I was afraid. I didn't know he was afraid too.
We went back to his house and he ordered me a cheese pizza (first and last time he has ever done that), and he asked me to be his girl friend.
this is something he sent me. Now I'm being all sentimental going through..
My phone didn't work for the beginning of our relationship. First I couldn't get the w's to work, and then I dropped it in a toilet while changing in a public bathroom and it was dead.
"Hey there! Im guessing your phone isnt working. I sincerely miss you... a LOT! I think you're my good luck charm cuz i won both of my games today and the Giants won the Super Bowl. So i guess im gonna keep you for awhile"
Nick Flowers
cause i love you lots
Marybeth Rosencransengildensern
Februarrry 12 roundabouts 9:18 in the evenin'
but you didn't when you first did it...
Nick Flowers
Februarrry 12 roundabouts 9:19 in the evenin'
how do you know?
Marybeth Rosencransengildensern
Februarrry 12 roundabouts 9:20 in the evenin'
did you?
Nick Flowers
Februarrry 12 roundabouts 9:21 in the evenin'
? maybe?
Marybeth Rosencransengildensern
Februarrry 12 roundabouts 9:22 in the evenin'
when did you figure it out?
Nick Flowers
Februarrry 12 roundabouts 9:24 in the evenin'
idk, but it was before you said it
Marybeth Rosencransengildensern
Februarrry 12 roundabouts 9:25 in the evenin'
it was love at first sight. i knew it.
Nick Flowers
Februarrry 12 roundabouts 9:26 in the evenin'
for you? or are you speaking for me? or making a joke?
Marybeth Rosencransengildensern
Februarrry 12 roundabouts 9:27 in the evenin'
...making a joke? lol, you should have told me when you knew
Nick Flowers
Februarrry 12 roundabouts 9:28 in the evenin'
no way! as cynical as you were. i was afraid of the verbal torment i wouldve faced!
okay I'm neglecting this now.
-embee
Mmm, boy is at band practice AGAIN. I hate it, but I am also the one who told him that if he was hard core, brutal serious about this band thing then he needed to be practicing more than once a week. And, bless his heart, he said, "but then I won't get to see you."
Yeah. I know. I hate it. But how can he be a fucking musician if he has to come home and play with me? So I send him away just about every night to have band practice and occasionally do other things. Like tonight he is doing laundry and bringing me home stamps.
And I went to the gym. I think, every night that he leaves I end up there. I never see any girls who go without their boyfriends. Maybe their boyfriends drag them with them? I have to drag mine to go with me. Perhaps I wear the penis in our relationship.
Mmm, no, wait, that's him.
The only way to feel again is let love in.
That's a good thing about him not being here. No metal. I like metal, but sometimes I want to listen to something that doesn't make my neighbor thing I worship Satan. Although, when the fags across the way were listening to their 30 Seconds to Mars, some nice fucking amon amarth drowned it right out.
Earlier, however, blinds shut, was a good moment for me to dance around singing catchy songs that would make my boyfriend laugh at me. Last night he was funny drunk when he got home from Nates, I like Nick when he can be loosey goosey like that. Normally he doesn't let go like that, but him and Nate were bbqing and doing man shit, and I think that helps. Plus he kind of got fucked at work. But any time my boyfriend is dancing around the living room in a pink polka doted sheet is a good thing.
The faith you've found I've never felt
I guess this blog is going to be brought you by Nick. Hope you don't mind Cindy.
Dude, meeting Nick was like, the weirdest thing ever, because we spent zero time as friends. I still have the first messages where we talked on facebook. He wanted to know about my bass playing, what bands I liked, what bands I didn't like, my political opinions, it was nice to have someone interested in what I thought instead of just blathering on about themselves. It's rare. It took me favor to figure things out about Nick. I think the first thing I figured out about him was his temper, he's got a short fuse like I do, but we rarely both lose it at the same time.
First date, I drove all the way to West County at met him at Dicks, and he thought I was standing him up because he asked where I was and I said I was there, but really I was using the bathroom in the food court. We met by the animal golf coverings. I was wearing ripped up jeans and a black t-shirt, no make up or nothing. He was wearing a black leather jacket, and I thought he was way too good looking to be interested in me. We built snowmen. That's probably when I fell in love with him, he brought me a pair of gloves. He had the same sense of humor I did, and couldn't get over how small my pinkys were.
Second date we went to the City Museum. He thought, since I was from a small area that I must never have been there. I should have lied to him and said I hadn't. We climbed through tunnels and he didnt make me climb up the wires outside because I was afraid. I didn't know he was afraid too.
We went back to his house and he ordered me a cheese pizza (first and last time he has ever done that), and he asked me to be his girl friend.
this is something he sent me. Now I'm being all sentimental going through..
My phone didn't work for the beginning of our relationship. First I couldn't get the w's to work, and then I dropped it in a toilet while changing in a public bathroom and it was dead.
"Hey there! Im guessing your phone isnt working. I sincerely miss you... a LOT! I think you're my good luck charm cuz i won both of my games today and the Giants won the Super Bowl. So i guess im gonna keep you for awhile"
Nick Flowers
cause i love you lots
Marybeth Rosencransengildensern
Februarrry 12 roundabouts 9:18 in the evenin'
but you didn't when you first did it...
Nick Flowers
Februarrry 12 roundabouts 9:19 in the evenin'
how do you know?
Marybeth Rosencransengildensern
Februarrry 12 roundabouts 9:20 in the evenin'
did you?
Nick Flowers
Februarrry 12 roundabouts 9:21 in the evenin'
? maybe?
Marybeth Rosencransengildensern
Februarrry 12 roundabouts 9:22 in the evenin'
when did you figure it out?
Nick Flowers
Februarrry 12 roundabouts 9:24 in the evenin'
idk, but it was before you said it
Marybeth Rosencransengildensern
Februarrry 12 roundabouts 9:25 in the evenin'
it was love at first sight. i knew it.
Nick Flowers
Februarrry 12 roundabouts 9:26 in the evenin'
for you? or are you speaking for me? or making a joke?
Marybeth Rosencransengildensern
Februarrry 12 roundabouts 9:27 in the evenin'
...making a joke? lol, you should have told me when you knew
Nick Flowers
Februarrry 12 roundabouts 9:28 in the evenin'
no way! as cynical as you were. i was afraid of the verbal torment i wouldve faced!
okay I'm neglecting this now.
-embee
All nighter!?
What on earth made me think this was a good idea after I drank all night last night. *yawns* I'm an idiot... I'm never gonna get this place clean before William gets here. *yawn* gdi...
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
PART TWO
..and I swear this has nothing to do with Garrett or Ramen, although Ramen is so tasty I think I could eat it all day.
But then I would be fat. And I spend too much time working out to get fat now.
OMGF (yes thats right), I hate to admit this out loud, but I <3 <3 <3 Ten Things I Hate About You on ABC Family. For real, I saw the episode today, and then watched the pilot episode on hulu...mm...yes, I love it, don't care if it's for 16-24 crowd, still awesome.
Nick is kinda drunk right now, and dancing around the living room in a pink polka doted sheet telling me how beautiful I am. Mmm, I love me some of that boy.
AND...God, Cindy, I think you will love this a little bit.
Journal entry time! It's a blast from the past!
February 11, 2003 (holy shit I know right!!??)
"Today was a half day. *tear* Derek and Chris leave for New York tomorrow real early. Carolynn Johnson kept saying, "What if the plane crashes?" !!! That is my worst fear right now. God, I swear, please keep both of them safe.
Anyway, I walked home with Cindy today, so we both could say goodbye to them. Yeah, it was sad. I have this huge knot in my stomach now. It's been like this ever since I got home, but it's gotten a lot worse. It was so bad I ended up throwing my food for dinner out my window.
He hasn't even left and I'm already worried about him!!!
I gave Derek his gift last friday. It took him forever to open the brick because I wrapped in in a million layers of newspaper! He laughed so hard!!
Today HE brought MY valentine gift. It was a giant dog holding a heart that says 'Love' and a heard shaped container that says "Rubberbands go here." I laughed so hard.
Mom wants me to do dishes. I'll write back later...
<3
Marybeth
Later:
OHMYGOD, Derek told me he loved me! Over the phone! I called him after I did dishes and at 7:50 something mom told me I had to get in the shower, so I said, "I have to go."
silence
"Derek?"
"Yeah?"
"Uh, I have to go."
"Oh. Okay."
I sigh, "I'll miss you."
"I'll miss you too. I love you."
"I love you, too. See you in six days."
"Okay. Bye."
"Bye."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's so lucky I was already sitting, or I would have fell back in shock! We've only been going out for three weeks and two days! (Not that I've been counting...)
!YAY!
I do love him, too! I just never guessed...This, I'm sure, has to be what love feels like. I don't think I felt this strongly for Peter. I might have. I doubt it, though.
Six days are going to take forever.
I wish I had something else to write about...
(this is the best part)
Oh!
We might be going to war with Iraq! Osama Bin Laden has teamed up with Sadamm Hussain to take out America! I don't know if Saddam hates us, but I do KNOW Osama does, or he wouldn't have bombed both of our world trade centers.
Our foreign allies don't want us, too, they tell us to wait. But I don't know how much longer Bush will wait before declaring war. They have chemical, necular, and biological weapons. If we do go to war they might use them against us! I hope they don't!
I'm not going to worry about this for now.
<3
Marybeth"
That is the first page I flipped too, and it's so funny I'm crying with laughter. My 14 year old self was funnier than shit and didn't even know it.
P.S. My mom watched fox news. This is where I was getting my information.
-mb
(nothing was edited, spelling included. if you don't believe me, i have the written form for your viewing pleasure.)
But then I would be fat. And I spend too much time working out to get fat now.
OMGF (yes thats right), I hate to admit this out loud, but I <3 <3 <3 Ten Things I Hate About You on ABC Family. For real, I saw the episode today, and then watched the pilot episode on hulu...mm...yes, I love it, don't care if it's for 16-24 crowd, still awesome.
Nick is kinda drunk right now, and dancing around the living room in a pink polka doted sheet telling me how beautiful I am. Mmm, I love me some of that boy.
AND...God, Cindy, I think you will love this a little bit.
Journal entry time! It's a blast from the past!
February 11, 2003 (holy shit I know right!!??)
"Today was a half day. *tear* Derek and Chris leave for New York tomorrow real early. Carolynn Johnson kept saying, "What if the plane crashes?" !!! That is my worst fear right now. God, I swear, please keep both of them safe.
Anyway, I walked home with Cindy today, so we both could say goodbye to them. Yeah, it was sad. I have this huge knot in my stomach now. It's been like this ever since I got home, but it's gotten a lot worse. It was so bad I ended up throwing my food for dinner out my window.
He hasn't even left and I'm already worried about him!!!
I gave Derek his gift last friday. It took him forever to open the brick because I wrapped in in a million layers of newspaper! He laughed so hard!!
Today HE brought MY valentine gift. It was a giant dog holding a heart that says 'Love' and a heard shaped container that says "Rubberbands go here." I laughed so hard.
Mom wants me to do dishes. I'll write back later...
<3
Marybeth
Later:
OHMYGOD, Derek told me he loved me! Over the phone! I called him after I did dishes and at 7:50 something mom told me I had to get in the shower, so I said, "I have to go."
silence
"Derek?"
"Yeah?"
"Uh, I have to go."
"Oh. Okay."
I sigh, "I'll miss you."
"I'll miss you too. I love you."
"I love you, too. See you in six days."
"Okay. Bye."
"Bye."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's so lucky I was already sitting, or I would have fell back in shock! We've only been going out for three weeks and two days! (Not that I've been counting...)
!YAY!
I do love him, too! I just never guessed...This, I'm sure, has to be what love feels like. I don't think I felt this strongly for Peter. I might have. I doubt it, though.
Six days are going to take forever.
I wish I had something else to write about...
(this is the best part)
Oh!
We might be going to war with Iraq! Osama Bin Laden has teamed up with Sadamm Hussain to take out America! I don't know if Saddam hates us, but I do KNOW Osama does, or he wouldn't have bombed both of our world trade centers.
Our foreign allies don't want us, too, they tell us to wait. But I don't know how much longer Bush will wait before declaring war. They have chemical, necular, and biological weapons. If we do go to war they might use them against us! I hope they don't!
I'm not going to worry about this for now.
<3
Marybeth"
That is the first page I flipped too, and it's so funny I'm crying with laughter. My 14 year old self was funnier than shit and didn't even know it.
P.S. My mom watched fox news. This is where I was getting my information.
-mb
(nothing was edited, spelling included. if you don't believe me, i have the written form for your viewing pleasure.)
Rawr
it's my secret way of telling you I love you.
I thought for a while, "I shouldn't need to say it in secret" but then I realized that if I said it everytime I thought it... well, I would say (or type) it as often as I say rawr... and you know that's a lot.
So William and I are adorable. I've decided.
One, You CANNOT complain to me about getting sweaty at work! omg... Working in front of three nasty friers at an inhuman pace (Walmart expects everyone in the Deli to be The Flash's offspring... though, I'm sure there are plenty of those since he could basically knock anyone up he wanted without them even knowing...) it's just ridiculous. I get so gross I come home every night and shower for hours (ok... more like an hour, but whatever.)
Two, Poked with a knife? Try having your thumb nail removed by one.
Three, I am smart enough NOT to give William this link, because I write things I specifically don't want him to read... although, I don't think it would be too hard to find. I googled myself and my blogger account came up on the first page so... Plus, I've mentioned the title before. Though, I didn't mention that Marybeth doesn't know how to spell CaligynOphobians. :P
Four, This is not meant to be an attack on Marybeth. Just me being mean/poking fun.
Five (and last--probably least as well)- I will never be friends with Garret. I promise :D
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU!!!
--although, I think atm I am slightly more excited that I see William tomorrow. Nothing against you, William just... has a penis. lol. And that's apparently what I really need right now. haha. I am so excite!
I thought for a while, "I shouldn't need to say it in secret" but then I realized that if I said it everytime I thought it... well, I would say (or type) it as often as I say rawr... and you know that's a lot.
So William and I are adorable. I've decided.
One, You CANNOT complain to me about getting sweaty at work! omg... Working in front of three nasty friers at an inhuman pace (Walmart expects everyone in the Deli to be The Flash's offspring... though, I'm sure there are plenty of those since he could basically knock anyone up he wanted without them even knowing...) it's just ridiculous. I get so gross I come home every night and shower for hours (ok... more like an hour, but whatever.)
Two, Poked with a knife? Try having your thumb nail removed by one.
Three, I am smart enough NOT to give William this link, because I write things I specifically don't want him to read... although, I don't think it would be too hard to find. I googled myself and my blogger account came up on the first page so... Plus, I've mentioned the title before. Though, I didn't mention that Marybeth doesn't know how to spell CaligynOphobians. :P
Four, This is not meant to be an attack on Marybeth. Just me being mean/poking fun.
Five (and last--probably least as well)- I will never be friends with Garret. I promise :D
I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU!!!
--although, I think atm I am slightly more excited that I see William tomorrow. Nothing against you, William just... has a penis. lol. And that's apparently what I really need right now. haha. I am so excite!
Ramen
I am making ramen before going to the gym. I haven't been in the last three days, and I feel like I'm being lazier than usual. But I'm going to eat some Ramen first that way I have something to think about while I'm there as I have not eaten at all today.
Sad times.
A few things are on my mind, I feel like blogging them out, because after all this is my blog (and Cindys) and I can do that. (And my ramen is done, smells delicious)
First of all, I hate that Nick puts the knives, like steak knives mind you, sharp end up. I always poke myself on one, no matter HOW careful I am being.
Second. My jobs air conditioning is broken. The grossest feeling is being as sweaty as I am every night.
Third. People who lie to you for no good reason. Maybe in their mind it's a good reason, but when you have them repeat it out loud suddenly it seems like not such a good reason? But maybe (probably their lying about that too.) Like, Garrett, is a good example. Garrett, who will tell me that he doesn't read this blog (why oh why did I give him the link?) but always seems to know when I type something negative about him. Spidey senses tingling yet? Mr. Garrett, who told all my friends exactly what I thought of them in some misguided attempt to help me (part one: I did it for you! part two: I did you a favor! part three: I just wanted to hurt you the way you hurt me!). Now, when I called him out about this, I got parts one, two and three in parenthesis followed by, "now I see them for what they really are. I don't even want to be friends with them anymore. I'll probably never talk/hang out with them again."
HAY CINDY! GUESS WHICH PART WAS A LIE?!
Did you say all of it?
You were right!
Are you asking me why I'm still so stupid to believe him? I'm asking myself the same thing.
Now, I am sure he will read this and run off and tattle on me to everyone, and for real, if you do, make sure to include the part about all of you being penis loving homos with not enough combined brains to function properly at a retarded level.
:)
Jasper is laying on my foot, if I move my foot, he will crawl over and lay back on top of it. It's really adorable how much he loves me. Or just wants something warm to lay on. Either way. I'm not picky.
This time next week I will be on my way to see you! ayayaya!
-embee
Sad times.
A few things are on my mind, I feel like blogging them out, because after all this is my blog (and Cindys) and I can do that. (And my ramen is done, smells delicious)
First of all, I hate that Nick puts the knives, like steak knives mind you, sharp end up. I always poke myself on one, no matter HOW careful I am being.
Second. My jobs air conditioning is broken. The grossest feeling is being as sweaty as I am every night.
Third. People who lie to you for no good reason. Maybe in their mind it's a good reason, but when you have them repeat it out loud suddenly it seems like not such a good reason? But maybe (probably their lying about that too.) Like, Garrett, is a good example. Garrett, who will tell me that he doesn't read this blog (why oh why did I give him the link?) but always seems to know when I type something negative about him. Spidey senses tingling yet? Mr. Garrett, who told all my friends exactly what I thought of them in some misguided attempt to help me (part one: I did it for you! part two: I did you a favor! part three: I just wanted to hurt you the way you hurt me!). Now, when I called him out about this, I got parts one, two and three in parenthesis followed by, "now I see them for what they really are. I don't even want to be friends with them anymore. I'll probably never talk/hang out with them again."
HAY CINDY! GUESS WHICH PART WAS A LIE?!
Did you say all of it?
You were right!
Are you asking me why I'm still so stupid to believe him? I'm asking myself the same thing.
Now, I am sure he will read this and run off and tattle on me to everyone, and for real, if you do, make sure to include the part about all of you being penis loving homos with not enough combined brains to function properly at a retarded level.
:)
Jasper is laying on my foot, if I move my foot, he will crawl over and lay back on top of it. It's really adorable how much he loves me. Or just wants something warm to lay on. Either way. I'm not picky.
This time next week I will be on my way to see you! ayayaya!
-embee
mmm... You were for it the last time we talked about it. So... yeah. You're right about Clayton's advice being better in this case though. Since he's known William for much longer than either of us... combined.
Dude, we are so playing that game! ... I might hide in his car, just for kicks. lol. *is im-ing William about it*
My house is a wreck, and I have homework to do... I have to get everything done by the end of tomorrow so it's spick and span when William gets here, and I'll have no h/w distracting me.
I hate work. Bleh.
Dude, we are so playing that game! ... I might hide in his car, just for kicks. lol. *is im-ing William about it*
My house is a wreck, and I have homework to do... I have to get everything done by the end of tomorrow so it's spick and span when William gets here, and I'll have no h/w distracting me.
I hate work. Bleh.
Mmmhmm.
I thought I said NO NO ITS A NEGATIVE DONT TELL HIM. That's okay, Clayton knows him better, you should listen to his advice.
And I was in a pretty pleasant mood when I wrote that last blog. Sleepy but pleasant.
Today in 13 minutes I get to go to work.
Oh hell...no. Crap. I hate working.
Okay! So, story time? Last night Nick and I decided to play hide and seek. This is always something I've wanted to do, but never have gotten to, but I realized I had never actually TOLD him how I wanted to play. Basically someone hides, the other seeks (yeah, I know you get that, stop rolling your eyes), and wherever they find you, you have sex.
Yeah, more interesting now RIGHT CINDY. I know you and Will will play, so :P
Anyway, I decided to hide in the closet behind his basses, seemed like a good spot and discovered that Jasper had been hiding poop over there! How did we not notice. Oh it was gross, but now that I know I have been keeping the closets closed.
Anyway, I got a new hiding spot, the shower (took him surprisingly long to find me!), and then he hid, and it took me even longer, he hid in the dog cage (jaspers man cave, as we call it). Anyway, you can guess where the sex happened.
Actually you can't. It was supposed to be the shower, but we didn't quite make it that far, got as far as the sink, and that was awesome!
But enough details, not trying to make Cindy gag.
Since my so called friends abandoned me in favor of something less good looking, I have felt a little sad but mostly really liberated. Like, yeah, Ryan can call me a bitch, but I'd rather be a bitch than a faggot, eh Ryan? You can pretend like that didn't happen all you want, I still remember. HAH.
So yeah.
VTM on Saturday, I'm really excited/nervous! I'll let you know if they love me immediately, or if they think I'm ugly/stupid/weird/all three.
Gots to put on my shoes for work.
-embee
And I was in a pretty pleasant mood when I wrote that last blog. Sleepy but pleasant.
Today in 13 minutes I get to go to work.
Oh hell...no. Crap. I hate working.
Okay! So, story time? Last night Nick and I decided to play hide and seek. This is always something I've wanted to do, but never have gotten to, but I realized I had never actually TOLD him how I wanted to play. Basically someone hides, the other seeks (yeah, I know you get that, stop rolling your eyes), and wherever they find you, you have sex.
Yeah, more interesting now RIGHT CINDY. I know you and Will will play, so :P
Anyway, I decided to hide in the closet behind his basses, seemed like a good spot and discovered that Jasper had been hiding poop over there! How did we not notice. Oh it was gross, but now that I know I have been keeping the closets closed.
Anyway, I got a new hiding spot, the shower (took him surprisingly long to find me!), and then he hid, and it took me even longer, he hid in the dog cage (jaspers man cave, as we call it). Anyway, you can guess where the sex happened.
Actually you can't. It was supposed to be the shower, but we didn't quite make it that far, got as far as the sink, and that was awesome!
But enough details, not trying to make Cindy gag.
Since my so called friends abandoned me in favor of something less good looking, I have felt a little sad but mostly really liberated. Like, yeah, Ryan can call me a bitch, but I'd rather be a bitch than a faggot, eh Ryan? You can pretend like that didn't happen all you want, I still remember. HAH.
So yeah.
VTM on Saturday, I'm really excited/nervous! I'll let you know if they love me immediately, or if they think I'm ugly/stupid/weird/all three.
Gots to put on my shoes for work.
-embee
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Please don't let me fuck this up...
I feel bad for being in a good mood after reading MB's last post... but... I suppose it can't be helped. I'm all kinds of excited and nervous for this weekend. But I think Marybeth and Clayton are right. I need to just do it. I need to have this talk with him now, while he's actively thinking about post-graduation. It will seem less awkward. Plus, talking now (in hypotheticals) will be less pushy or binding than the same conversation a year from now, and it will make a future conversation easier, because we'll have already discussed it.
I would follow him anywhere. I know that sounds stupid and childish, but... I want to get out of Kirksville/MO/the country anyway, so it would be a good excuse/opportunity. My career plans are pretty flexible as well. I just hope he sees that as an ok possibility, which according to Clayton he "has to" because William is not "illogical" and it would be illogical to date someone in college that you don't want to have a future with (which is far different than not seeing it as likely. It's acceptable to accept the reality that it probably wont last forever. It is not acceptable to not want it to.)
I hate everyone I went to high school with, except MB. They are immature douche bags. It's like they've grown MORE immature as the years have past, rather than growing up like the rest of us.
So stupid.
I'm so stupidly in love. It's sad... even for me.
I would follow him anywhere. I know that sounds stupid and childish, but... I want to get out of Kirksville/MO/the country anyway, so it would be a good excuse/opportunity. My career plans are pretty flexible as well. I just hope he sees that as an ok possibility, which according to Clayton he "has to" because William is not "illogical" and it would be illogical to date someone in college that you don't want to have a future with (which is far different than not seeing it as likely. It's acceptable to accept the reality that it probably wont last forever. It is not acceptable to not want it to.)
I hate everyone I went to high school with, except MB. They are immature douche bags. It's like they've grown MORE immature as the years have past, rather than growing up like the rest of us.
So stupid.
I'm so stupidly in love. It's sad... even for me.
I've noticed
Other people blog their feelings, whereas I tend to blog what's going on around me. I do have a journal and I notice in there that I tend to do similar things. Maybe I don't want to confront my own feelings about things, even to myself. It seems odd. Perhaps it could be worked out in therapy, or perhaps I am too sarcastic to take myself seriously.
However, in recent years I have been honest with myself in small ways, just feel like sharing.
June 22, 2006
"Deception is my new best friend. He's always there when I need him, and always has my back.
A girl could get used to a friend like that."
June 20, 2006
"History has proven that
You can put dispair on play/repeat and it will go on forever.
And if it's loud enough and bright enough it doesn't matter how much money you have to buy the things you want or how brilliant you are told you are or how the right boys smile at you or how the cameras flash at you.
it is all you will hear or see."
-later on in the entry-
"i remember feeling that i cant trust any of my friends. reality is a hard slap in the face.
I dont have any friends. not really."
three years ago I was saying the exact things I'm saying now. And why didn't I capitalize anything?
June 10, 2006
" it's weird admitting dark secrets out loud. they poison the air in a room, everyone chokes. stuff like that shouldn't be allowed to hang in the air.
every saturday is ruined.
i got the date wrong. funny how your memory starts to fall apart.
the only definite thing i remember is your eyes.
cold.
calculating.
blue.
like the january night surrounding us.
five months now.
its funny because i say i hate liars but...
i am the best liar i know.
happy 5 month anniversary.
im going to set myself on fire."
June 2, 2006
(I was keeping record of the months and days since..but I won't post that. It's bothersome)
"Figures of speech only downplay your sincerity, tell me the truth, do i mean anything to you? i dont want lies and beating around the bush, you're no good at that anyway...eyes like yours spill secrets...i knew before you spoke where this was going...why am i such a fool to go along with you...you never meant a word. I pretend like i don't know your intentions, but im in love with the hopeless idea that you love me.
forget this im writing my own stories now."
I'm not sure where that was coming from, looking back.
May 11, 2006
"everything is a metaphor for things i can't say. i spend too much time hiding behind pretty smiles and pretty words that make you think you know me. i dont think anyone would ever like to know me, the real me, if they were to find it. shes the girl who never knows what to say and spends too mucht ime crying about things she could never change. i have to be better because its not okay to let this effect me at all. my friends freak out when i stop smiling, demanding to know whats wrong. i always say "nothing" when i really want to say "everything."
maybe that makes me emo. im not exactly into labels.
im not into anything. not even myself."
December 31, 2006
(I begin to capitalize again. Progress is being made!)
Last day of the year, and honestly, I can't say I'm overly said to see it go.
3/4ths part angst
1/4th part lies
Stir until you can't tell the difference anymore
Drink until you forget who you are where you were going.
happy new years!
I wish sarcasm read better on paper because it's my native language. O_O
Consolation prize? Next year I will be 4 hours and 200 miles away from this place.
Sometimes I watch myself smile at everyone and laugh and play myself off as loud and semi-less intelligent that I actually am, I just want to say to someone, "Call me out".
I don't want to come off as depressed. Because that is not me in these pages. No. Cynical, yes.
What am I so afraid of, anyway?
I turn down people who ask me on dates because blind fear and panic take over all rational reactions.
I just wanted to mark the moments where I feel okay.
That I'm not all bad."
March 20, 2007
"When I was a little girl I was always afraid a squid was going to come up from the drain and suck me under whenever I was in the bathtub. Upon completing a bath I would hop out and yank the plug and then jump back five steps, drying of hastily all the while keeping an apprehensive eye on the draining water. The same could be said for the toilet. The lid was shut quickly before I flushed.
Somewhere along the way that squid caught up with me and drug me into that drain. All m hiding did me no good.
I dont think anyone can really touch me in the end."
April 1, 2007
"Sometimes I think this world would be such a better place if people stopped and tried to understand each other.
I guess it's a nice dream.
But nice dreams have no place in this world, or at least in this society.
I am much nicer in my mind. I wish I could let that through in my personality.
People want my characteristics. They tell me I'm funny, I'm sarcastic, pretty, smart.
I think they must be crazy."
and lastly, before I finish.
April 8, 2007
"This place holds nothing good for me anymore.
I can't pretend happiness anymore.
Crying doesn't feel good. It feels like giving in.
Nobody gets it and I don't pretend to let them.
I tried so hard. And I don't know anymore. I don't care. I don't care.
I don't feel alone. I am alone.
I only write anymore when I feel like crap.
I need something good to happen. I hate how quick I am to tears.
Anything."
Mostly it seems I was miserable.
I have ones from the 8th grade, I'll do some of those later for fits and giggles.
-mb
However, in recent years I have been honest with myself in small ways, just feel like sharing.
June 22, 2006
"Deception is my new best friend. He's always there when I need him, and always has my back.
A girl could get used to a friend like that."
June 20, 2006
"History has proven that
You can put dispair on play/repeat and it will go on forever.
And if it's loud enough and bright enough it doesn't matter how much money you have to buy the things you want or how brilliant you are told you are or how the right boys smile at you or how the cameras flash at you.
it is all you will hear or see."
-later on in the entry-
"i remember feeling that i cant trust any of my friends. reality is a hard slap in the face.
I dont have any friends. not really."
three years ago I was saying the exact things I'm saying now. And why didn't I capitalize anything?
June 10, 2006
" it's weird admitting dark secrets out loud. they poison the air in a room, everyone chokes. stuff like that shouldn't be allowed to hang in the air.
every saturday is ruined.
i got the date wrong. funny how your memory starts to fall apart.
the only definite thing i remember is your eyes.
cold.
calculating.
blue.
like the january night surrounding us.
five months now.
its funny because i say i hate liars but...
i am the best liar i know.
happy 5 month anniversary.
im going to set myself on fire."
June 2, 2006
(I was keeping record of the months and days since..but I won't post that. It's bothersome)
"Figures of speech only downplay your sincerity, tell me the truth, do i mean anything to you? i dont want lies and beating around the bush, you're no good at that anyway...eyes like yours spill secrets...i knew before you spoke where this was going...why am i such a fool to go along with you...you never meant a word. I pretend like i don't know your intentions, but im in love with the hopeless idea that you love me.
forget this im writing my own stories now."
I'm not sure where that was coming from, looking back.
May 11, 2006
"everything is a metaphor for things i can't say. i spend too much time hiding behind pretty smiles and pretty words that make you think you know me. i dont think anyone would ever like to know me, the real me, if they were to find it. shes the girl who never knows what to say and spends too mucht ime crying about things she could never change. i have to be better because its not okay to let this effect me at all. my friends freak out when i stop smiling, demanding to know whats wrong. i always say "nothing" when i really want to say "everything."
maybe that makes me emo. im not exactly into labels.
im not into anything. not even myself."
December 31, 2006
(I begin to capitalize again. Progress is being made!)
Last day of the year, and honestly, I can't say I'm overly said to see it go.
3/4ths part angst
1/4th part lies
Stir until you can't tell the difference anymore
Drink until you forget who you are where you were going.
happy new years!
I wish sarcasm read better on paper because it's my native language. O_O
Consolation prize? Next year I will be 4 hours and 200 miles away from this place.
Sometimes I watch myself smile at everyone and laugh and play myself off as loud and semi-less intelligent that I actually am, I just want to say to someone, "Call me out".
I don't want to come off as depressed. Because that is not me in these pages. No. Cynical, yes.
What am I so afraid of, anyway?
I turn down people who ask me on dates because blind fear and panic take over all rational reactions.
I just wanted to mark the moments where I feel okay.
That I'm not all bad."
March 20, 2007
"When I was a little girl I was always afraid a squid was going to come up from the drain and suck me under whenever I was in the bathtub. Upon completing a bath I would hop out and yank the plug and then jump back five steps, drying of hastily all the while keeping an apprehensive eye on the draining water. The same could be said for the toilet. The lid was shut quickly before I flushed.
Somewhere along the way that squid caught up with me and drug me into that drain. All m hiding did me no good.
I dont think anyone can really touch me in the end."
April 1, 2007
"Sometimes I think this world would be such a better place if people stopped and tried to understand each other.
I guess it's a nice dream.
But nice dreams have no place in this world, or at least in this society.
I am much nicer in my mind. I wish I could let that through in my personality.
People want my characteristics. They tell me I'm funny, I'm sarcastic, pretty, smart.
I think they must be crazy."
and lastly, before I finish.
April 8, 2007
"This place holds nothing good for me anymore.
I can't pretend happiness anymore.
Crying doesn't feel good. It feels like giving in.
Nobody gets it and I don't pretend to let them.
I tried so hard. And I don't know anymore. I don't care. I don't care.
I don't feel alone. I am alone.
I only write anymore when I feel like crap.
I need something good to happen. I hate how quick I am to tears.
Anything."
Mostly it seems I was miserable.
I have ones from the 8th grade, I'll do some of those later for fits and giggles.
-mb
Saturday, July 4, 2009
a waffle!
The biggest mistake I ever made was not telling Nick Hobbs that I thought we should get married.
Okay, perhaps a overstatement, but still. Nick and I have never fought. Nick is my male best friend, we laugh, he is a decent person, and smart. And in PA.
Oh well.
Bright pink toenails. I hate this time of year, idiots with firecrackers. What drunk hobo came up with this idea?
I never realized how much shit I put on my body on a daily basis as part of a routine. I am now beginning to wonder if it is necessary. Perhaps just a clever marketing strategy to get me to buy all my hair products in two's because the only place I can find it is folica.com and high end hair salons. I do recommend anything TiGi, especially S Factor. It's what I use, everything smells great and does wonders to hair.
Right now I miss Nick (The Flowered variety). I was kinda psyched to have a girly night, but it's hard to be girly listening to death metal (amor amon, Swedish, brutal, awesome. Seriously. Makes me think the Vikings were just as badass. And huge) and talking to Nick Hobbs about philosophy. So much thinking goes into construction an intelligent, well thought out answer. Mostly we debate on societal norms, are things wrong because they are morally wrong, or because society tells us they are wrong? It's fun, but draining.
I think I'd like to listen to some Mastodon instead. Mmm.
Waxed eyebrows. Ouch.
I know I am mean. But as humans, we are mean by nature. I was born to be this sarcastic, cutting you to pieces just happens to be my gift. I'm not going to apologize for it.
---embee---
Okay, perhaps a overstatement, but still. Nick and I have never fought. Nick is my male best friend, we laugh, he is a decent person, and smart. And in PA.
Oh well.
Bright pink toenails. I hate this time of year, idiots with firecrackers. What drunk hobo came up with this idea?
I never realized how much shit I put on my body on a daily basis as part of a routine. I am now beginning to wonder if it is necessary. Perhaps just a clever marketing strategy to get me to buy all my hair products in two's because the only place I can find it is folica.com and high end hair salons. I do recommend anything TiGi, especially S Factor. It's what I use, everything smells great and does wonders to hair.
Right now I miss Nick (The Flowered variety). I was kinda psyched to have a girly night, but it's hard to be girly listening to death metal (amor amon, Swedish, brutal, awesome. Seriously. Makes me think the Vikings were just as badass. And huge) and talking to Nick Hobbs about philosophy. So much thinking goes into construction an intelligent, well thought out answer. Mostly we debate on societal norms, are things wrong because they are morally wrong, or because society tells us they are wrong? It's fun, but draining.
I think I'd like to listen to some Mastodon instead. Mmm.
Waxed eyebrows. Ouch.
I know I am mean. But as humans, we are mean by nature. I was born to be this sarcastic, cutting you to pieces just happens to be my gift. I'm not going to apologize for it.
---embee---
Friday, July 3, 2009
And all I want this year is for you to dedicate your last breath to me..
I hope you read this. I want you to read this. I want you to know that today was supposed to be day one. That I was prepared to take the ultimate leap of faith, to tell Nick sorry, but this isn't working, and meet you in the park and tell you the good news.
Thank you for showing me who you really are and sparing me all the trouble I would eventually face in the future with you. That everything you ever said to me was probably a huge lie. I know everything you said last night. I regret everything I said to you. I regret kissing you. I regret doing anything that ever hurt Nick.
You want to know what makes him better than you? That, even though Nick goes out with his friends a lot, and we fight over petty things, if Nick ever made me a promise, like to love me forever, or to never hurt me, Nick would keep it no matter who wanted him to go fucking bowling. Nick has proven this to me a million times.
I have all my shit together. I know where I'm going in this crazy life. And in ten years, when you're with whatever boring mundane girl you think is better than me, I want you to remember today. I want you to remember it for the rest of your life, and I want you to know that I have forgotten you. That I will never think about you again.
My heart is on my sleeve
Wear it like a bruise or blackeye
My badge, my witness
means that I believed
Every single lie you said (and learned from the best)
cause every pain of glass that your pebbles tap negates the pains I went through to avoid you
and every little pat on the shoulder for attention fails to mention I still hate you
You want apologies boy you might hold your breath until your breathing stops forever, Forever
The only thing you'll get is this curse on your lips: I hope they taste of me forever
Marybeth
Thank you for showing me who you really are and sparing me all the trouble I would eventually face in the future with you. That everything you ever said to me was probably a huge lie. I know everything you said last night. I regret everything I said to you. I regret kissing you. I regret doing anything that ever hurt Nick.
You want to know what makes him better than you? That, even though Nick goes out with his friends a lot, and we fight over petty things, if Nick ever made me a promise, like to love me forever, or to never hurt me, Nick would keep it no matter who wanted him to go fucking bowling. Nick has proven this to me a million times.
I have all my shit together. I know where I'm going in this crazy life. And in ten years, when you're with whatever boring mundane girl you think is better than me, I want you to remember today. I want you to remember it for the rest of your life, and I want you to know that I have forgotten you. That I will never think about you again.
My heart is on my sleeve
Wear it like a bruise or blackeye
My badge, my witness
means that I believed
Every single lie you said (and learned from the best)
cause every pain of glass that your pebbles tap negates the pains I went through to avoid you
and every little pat on the shoulder for attention fails to mention I still hate you
You want apologies boy you might hold your breath until your breathing stops forever, Forever
The only thing you'll get is this curse on your lips: I hope they taste of me forever
Marybeth
Thanking Clayton, for Taming my Fears
Talked to William's best friend (next to me of course :P) last night. I was giving him advice about this girl who he says (and after last night I definitely believe) he loves... named Cindy. lol. Not me. Different Cindy. A Cindy who actually goes by the name Cindy. (It's not short for Cynthia either) Anyway, it was really sweet listening to him talk about her the way he was. So, in the midst of his love-troubles he said he envied William's and my relationship, because we are "so unlikely to ever break up," and "Wouldn't be better with anyone else." Which was sweet, but I had to then relay my worries that I previously explained on here, and he was basically like, "Have you met William?? He does not think that illogically. If he didn't think you guys were going to make it past college, he wouldn't be dating you. He wouldn't see the point." and I'm sure he's probably right. I mean, it definitely makes sense with the way William usually thinks about things.
I want to steal Jasper. Not gonna lie.
and I want to be married too, I feel left out... just... not right now. lol.
I want to steal Jasper. Not gonna lie.
and I want to be married too, I feel left out... just... not right now. lol.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
To think I might not see those eyes...
I think the summer must make my eyes look different, because the comments at work have, like, doubled. Even Alex, whom I work with and who has heard me ranting about how much I hate the comments, has commented on it.
Oh dear. Perhaps I should get some contacts. Brown. No one likes brown eyes, right?
Sorry if there are a lot of typos in this, Jazz is asleep in my lap, so I am basically trying to type over him while not waking him up.
I've been concerned lately, which is unusual, about the amount of people I know, knew, or have known at one point who are getting married, gotten married, had children, or possibly getting a divorce. It seems like all the people I always thought, "who would want to spend forever/reproduce with them?!" are getting married and or reproducing.
It makes me wonder if I want to be married or have kids, and I have discovered the answer is yes.
I may have already begun planning it with Cindy...but that is beside the point.
Also, something kind of weird. The other night I was putting lotion on my skin (mmm, hydrated!) and Nick commented that he didn't like skin that was soft like a babies...
Um...what? He would prefer rough, chapped, dry skin that was covered in hair? Is he gay? I didn't know how to respond to this, so I said, "you're retarded," and continued on, because there is no way he, or any other man who likes touching women, feel this way. He is always the first one to tell me how soft I feel or, on the other hand, comment on how hair I've become (shaving is so annoying. If you don't do it like, five times a week you're like sasquatch, but every day dries out the skin...eh). I'm not sure what he was getting at there, but now I'm worried. Like, today, I took a shower, and when I get out I immediately put on St. Ives whipped silk everywhere, and then body butter on more sensitive areas (elbows, knees, ahem), lotion on my face (so expensive!), hair lotion...and when I'm done he's always touching me...so I think he was hinting at something I'm missing.
Anyway, enough with my own personal hygiene. I'm sure Cindy is glad to know I shower regularly.
skh8hkf
That's from Jasper. I copy and pasted it from earlier. It means I love you in sleepy beagle!
<3 <3 <3
embee
Oh dear. Perhaps I should get some contacts. Brown. No one likes brown eyes, right?
Sorry if there are a lot of typos in this, Jazz is asleep in my lap, so I am basically trying to type over him while not waking him up.
I've been concerned lately, which is unusual, about the amount of people I know, knew, or have known at one point who are getting married, gotten married, had children, or possibly getting a divorce. It seems like all the people I always thought, "who would want to spend forever/reproduce with them?!" are getting married and or reproducing.
It makes me wonder if I want to be married or have kids, and I have discovered the answer is yes.
I may have already begun planning it with Cindy...but that is beside the point.
Also, something kind of weird. The other night I was putting lotion on my skin (mmm, hydrated!) and Nick commented that he didn't like skin that was soft like a babies...
Um...what? He would prefer rough, chapped, dry skin that was covered in hair? Is he gay? I didn't know how to respond to this, so I said, "you're retarded," and continued on, because there is no way he, or any other man who likes touching women, feel this way. He is always the first one to tell me how soft I feel or, on the other hand, comment on how hair I've become (shaving is so annoying. If you don't do it like, five times a week you're like sasquatch, but every day dries out the skin...eh). I'm not sure what he was getting at there, but now I'm worried. Like, today, I took a shower, and when I get out I immediately put on St. Ives whipped silk everywhere, and then body butter on more sensitive areas (elbows, knees, ahem), lotion on my face (so expensive!), hair lotion...and when I'm done he's always touching me...so I think he was hinting at something I'm missing.
Anyway, enough with my own personal hygiene. I'm sure Cindy is glad to know I shower regularly.
skh8hkf
That's from Jasper. I copy and pasted it from earlier. It means I love you in sleepy beagle!
<3 <3 <3
embee
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I get nostalgic 'bout the last 10 years, before the last 10 years've passed...
I wish I had a magic glass orb I could look into that would show me where I'm going to be in 3 years. It would make life easier. I would know things like, "You can't find a job because you didn't take such-and-such class, and I would take the class." and "You end up married to a hobo" and I would... well, I'm not sure what I'd do about that. Maybe break up with William and find someone who's actually interested in a future (who isn't a hobo) and get together with him to prevent marrying a dead-beat. Plus, I would know if I end up glad or regretting my major. It's a bit late to change now, but y'know... at least I could take a minor in something important like business... lol.
*sigh*
About once a year (in my life) someone brings up the idea of teaching english in a foreign country. I always think/say it sounds really cool, but that I'd probably never do it. But... I mean... why wouldn't I? I love traveling. One of my bucket list items is to live in a foreign country. I do well in new places. I don't know... maybe that's what I'll do when I get out of school.
Eventually I want to teach elementary music, but I don't have the teaching experience, so teaching English elsewhere would give me that. Instead of having to go through Truman's stupid Pre-MAE program. I'm sorry, but when something is "Pre-degree" you always (or I always) expect the degree to be something doctoral, and really intense (years of schooling-wise) like Pre-med, and Pre-law. *shrugs* Truman likes to toot their own horn a lot though so...
It's a good school, don't get me wrong, but they deceive you. When you're in high school, and all... impressionable. They make it sound like going anywhere else would just be foolish. "We give you so much money it's practically free! and we're as awesome as Ivy League schools!" ok, A. no, you give Freshman money. Then you make us work for it, and require the most ridiculous standards to keep them. B. shut up. Harvard would laugh in your face "Harvard of the MidWest." ...please... Don't try to tell me I'm going to a Harvard-comparable school. No way could I have stood a chance getting into Harvard. Nor would I want to (too expensive).
*sigh*
About once a year (in my life) someone brings up the idea of teaching english in a foreign country. I always think/say it sounds really cool, but that I'd probably never do it. But... I mean... why wouldn't I? I love traveling. One of my bucket list items is to live in a foreign country. I do well in new places. I don't know... maybe that's what I'll do when I get out of school.
Eventually I want to teach elementary music, but I don't have the teaching experience, so teaching English elsewhere would give me that. Instead of having to go through Truman's stupid Pre-MAE program. I'm sorry, but when something is "Pre-degree" you always (or I always) expect the degree to be something doctoral, and really intense (years of schooling-wise) like Pre-med, and Pre-law. *shrugs* Truman likes to toot their own horn a lot though so...
It's a good school, don't get me wrong, but they deceive you. When you're in high school, and all... impressionable. They make it sound like going anywhere else would just be foolish. "We give you so much money it's practically free! and we're as awesome as Ivy League schools!" ok, A. no, you give Freshman money. Then you make us work for it, and require the most ridiculous standards to keep them. B. shut up. Harvard would laugh in your face "Harvard of the MidWest." ...please... Don't try to tell me I'm going to a Harvard-comparable school. No way could I have stood a chance getting into Harvard. Nor would I want to (too expensive).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)