I foresee a lot of pain in my future...

I hate that I convince myself that I'm headed down a path that will bring me everything I ever wanted. (this is pretty much the opposite of MB's post, btw.)

I'm so scared, I'm crying. Some days I tell myself that it's good to not know where I'll be or even where I want to be this time two years from now, that it makes me more adaptable to whatever does happen.

"Good luck finding a job teaching music, from what I hear."

I love William, but sometimes he says things that are like a brick wall to the face. We were having a conversation about life after graduation, and how it's going to be hard losing so many friends, but it was a generally pleasant chat. I'm usually happy when I'm thinking about post-grad because I don't allow myself to face reality, when I really should. He's right though. My chances of finding the job I want are slim.

The picture I let myself see is me following him where ever life takes us, and finding whatever job I can in music preferably (because a career is important, but that's not what's going to make my life happy. It's just not. I can't make myself into one of those people who view career as what defines a person. I really wish I could, because it would make the thought of losing William a lot less terrifying.) I'd go with him to grad school, teach English in China, move to east-Jesus nowhere, live on a ranch, I don't care. I can be happy just about anywhere, with the right person. I wish he knew/understood that in a way that wouldn't make him think less of me.

I don't blame him for not thinking I'm the person he's going to be with the rest of his life. I'm too much of an unknown with less than good probabilities. That's why I started a savings account, and why I've become so cheap. I figure that maybe having a bunch of money saved up will make the thought of keeping me around, a little more appealing. That's why I like cooking. That's why I keep my house spotless (except for this weekend, because I was taking a mini-vacation with Marybeth. lol.) It's all cleaned up again now though. I'm trying so hard, even though I know that it's very unlikely to make any sort of difference.

In all reality, I'll probably graduate, move in with my mother, and manage a walmart or something until my loans are paid off, or forever, while teaching private lessons and trying to find a god damn teaching job at an elementary school. Maybe I'll start by working at a daycare, and use the experience to work my way up. Maybe I'll get a masters in education, who knows. I'll start dating some loser, with a future as bleak as mine, who did or didn't go to college. He'll probably do some kind of manual labor job, and we'll live in a shitty house, and fight about bills, and he'll drink. He'll yell at me, and threaten me like my father did. I'll cry all the time. We'll split up, and get back together, and split up, and get back together, and it will make our children hate us. I'll have no respect from my children, and I'll deserve none, because I wont stand up to him for them. I'll just cry, and cry, and wonder how I ended up becoming my mother after making such an effort not to.

That's why I love talking to Marybeth. Because, while she's brutally honest, she knows when I don't want to hear the truth. She'll crack jokes about William and I far into the future, or about how we'll both (her and I) live in Seattle some day.

I know it's better that William doesn't do that, because it would just make our seemingly inevitable post-grad breakup more surprising and painful, but at the same time... sometimes I just want to hear about unlikely what-ifs. Why can't we talk about what it'd be like if we did end up together? Why does that have to be any more taboo than talking about how we, "probably wont even stay friends." I think... it might be because he doesn't want to (stay together that is). He'd never say it if it were true... but I could see it being so.

I have so much homework to do, and instead I'm crying uncontrollably and writing a pathetic blog.

He says I don't tell him things. He's right. I wish I could tell him, but I'm afraid of the effects that telling him would have.

He said I was the type of person he could be with the rest of his life. The type, not the person. He's the person, there is no type.

The problem with saying how I feel, is that if I'm right, he'll probably break up with me "for my own good." If I'm wrong, it will probably just hurt him that I think it. I'm pretty sure I'm more close to being right though.

On the other hand, maybe I should tell him. That way I'm not crying about something I'm not even sure of.

There's a theory that you should only date someone you see a good possibility of spending the rest of your life with. I don't like that theory. I think that the focus should be more on whether you would want to spend the rest of your life with this person. If you would be content having looked into the future seeing that as the outcome.

I wish so badly that I could see into the future... 10 years or so from now. That way I would know if suicide is a better career path. lol.

I know I'm crazy. Don't worry.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I had a pocket full of dreams
But I gave them all to you
Now I think I want them back
So can you tell me if I'm crazy or confused?
Don't ever change
The way you are
I've never loved anyone more.