your single girl song is on. it is pretty nice. i have frank sinatra vinyl, i was playing it on my record player (supa old school holmes), once i figured out how to work it.
so...im doing something kind of bad, but within character for me. text and i'll explain.

i just want to be happy, and its weird, because i know that i will never be happy with another person. maybe one, but i don't think ive met said person. being with another person just frustrates me. i just want to be friends that i sometimes sleep with. i know thats kind of slutty, but it seems like once you slap on the "relationship" sticker everything goes to shit with me. and it's all me, i know this. i am a hot mess. good thing im fucking pretty, or i would never be able to get away with this. oh, and funny and smart. and modest, too. nick probably did the best job out of any guy keeping me around, and look how the turned out. i fell for a pair of blue eyes and a fucking smart ass mouth who is dating a girl no one i know can stand. whateves.
im getting pizza and beer with a boy tomorrow. as friends. even though i think hes really awesome, hes funny and smart and hes cute in that nerdy dr. spencer reed sort of way, and he paints. and staying with jonathan, who i dont want to even kiss because i dont want to hurt him by breaking up with him. i sometimes seriously hate myself. and then i look in a mirror.

arg. this is why i spend all this time running. i create my own problems, i must be bored.

hearts!

-mb

Y'know, I have a knack for losing things. I misplace just about everything I touch, but... I'll never lose this. I'm holding on tight. Because ~this~ is something I will never find again, not anywhere.

Is it taboo to tell your boyfriend that if he does a certain thing that you will "love him forever"? I feel like that might be taboo... as it implies that I'm actually going to... love him forever... which is kind of like saying (in a less creepy obsessive way) "OMGZ... I LUV U! MARRY ME!!! NOOOOOW!!! ...(Edward?)"

I think about doing that sometimes... and then I realize... I have no money. lol. The farthest I would get is probably Iowa.

at Janée's 21st Allison (Suter--as in Ryan Suter's cousin) and Ben (Christ--as in Alex's ex-bf--not the Son of God...) said they were just going to jump on a plane to Spain and I so wanted to just do it.

I hope someday I can save up enough money to do something like that...

I can't live without you

I feel good about things for the first time in a long time.

However, I need something just insanely off the wall. I've been thinking about taking the money I have saved up and just going, with no warning, just take off and let everyone else know after I'm there. It's tempting. I might just do it, just the thought makes me laugh.

I'll let you know if it happens.

O.M.G. CINDY HE NEVER STOPS CALLING/TEXTING.

I am going to slit his throat. Bobby. Not Jonathan. My sister was listening to the whole thing, about how hot Bobby is, and said, "ahaha, you like a nerd!"

He's sweet.

I'll come back for you like I promised to

I need to get into bed, I told Jonathan I would go to church with him in the morning. It sucks when you honestly like a person, because you end up doing stupid crap you didn't want to do for them, like agreeing to be their girlfriend, or going to church with them. It will be worth it, because it makes him happy, and he's all cute and crap when he's happy with me, which is, oddly, most of the time. I like making this boy happy, probably because he makes me happy in such an effortless way. I'm not used to it, Nick made me miserable all the time. Who knows, it is all new and what not, but I'm gonna go with it until it stops being fun and turns into snoozefest 07.
That being said, he wants to meet you Cindy, and for whatever reason I agreed to bring him along to your shindig thingy, and if you embarrass me, I'm going to harm you physically. So no crying.

Taking a poll dancing class. Should be awesome. Re-pierced the bellybutton, it looks super cute, abs still hurt from painful workout the other day, seems worth it though. Boyfriend couldnt stop looking under my shirt tonight, so it seems extra worth it.

Not a whole lot else going on. I'm painting my room sometime this week, yay!

-mb

p.s. garrett. in case you still read this, i'm cocky enough to think you still do on occasion. i meant every damn word i said, i had every right to say it to you. you dont have to agree or feel the same. yup. part of me thinks you still like it. im probably right.

boys are dumb.





the end.

the boy asked me out again.
this time i said yes.

i wonder what he would have done if i had said no again. like, im sure he felt pretty confident about the whole thing, we just finished playing left for dead 2, i was curled up on his bed next to him, head on his chest, messing with his hair, if i said no that would have made me some sort of huge bitch.
but it would have been kind of funny.

his mom keeps telling me im pretty. i dont know how to respond to this. "thanks?" "so are you?" "i have gential warts?" i dunnnooo. mostly i fumble around a lot and sound like im really nervous all the time. which i am. kinda.
i dunno.

everything about this boy is great, and if you dont think so im going to kick you in the face. nick treated me like crap on a stick. he has a new girlfriend now, and his status are really gay. i always thought he liked the wiener, now i know it. i cant wait for this new girl to realize what a huge loser phony he is, but i dont think ill get to see it. oh well. anyway, if you dont think jonathan is the bees knees im going to kick you in the spleen. he wants to meet everyone since ive met all his friends, but i keep putting it off. you get to meet him first. hes nice.

i like dating someone who thinks they are lucky to be with me. thats why i liked being with garrett so much at first. i dont want to date another boy who thinks i should feel lucky to be with him. lame.

my car is fine, the accidents dont seem to have phased it. i hope. tomorrow is a long ass drive, so if my car dies i guess i'll know. lame, people hitting me in snow. awesome, telling my boss to fuck himself and quitting.

that song by orianthi is awesome.
yup.


i like how life seems to be working out for me.

<3

mb

So! Last night a boy asked me to be his girlfriend. We've been on several dates, I like him a lot. He's nice, he's funny, he's interesting, driven, is going somewhere, has goals, and let me take care of him when he was puking. I like his eye color, I like what he listens to, I like that he thinks I am way too good for him (I'm not). And I told him no.
Why?
Because I'm a punk ass who is afraid if I let someone be that close to me again, like I did with Nick and Garrett, that I am going to be burned, and burned badly. So I freaked out and told him I wanted to take things slowly and blah blah bullshit.
He said he still wants to see me.
I must be fucking stupid. Like, really really stupid. This guy is going to realize I'm a huge fake, just some little baby girl pretending to be a functioning adult and move on, and I am going to be really angry with myself that I let Nick and Garrett's awful behavior towards me influence what I do with this guy.
Cindy. I need you to hit me. Guys like this do not follow me around all the time. When did I become a blubbering child? Oh, I was hurt, I can never be with anyone again. Please. How dramatic.

On another note, when did people start thinking I was beautiful? Several people have said this this week, it's weird. Like, it weirds me out. I don't know. I have such stupid problems. "Oh, a boy likes me but I'm scared. People think I'm pretty poor me." I want to punch myself in the face.

Something interesting going on...um...Dennis told me he was in love with me. We've agreed to stay just friends, I told him I could not lose him, not after how bad it hurt to lose Garrett. I don't give a shit if Dennis could be IT, I refuse. I said no. So at least I'm learning, right? I have that capability. Shocking, I know, right?

New Years was fucking awesome, I had a good time despite the fact I only knew one person going into the last party I ended up at. They all ended up being really cool. I like being myself sometimes, I have a lot of fun.

My hair is fucking long Cindy. Have you seen this motherfucker? Its long.

Omg, I'm messing with the boy, talking about how I contracted a disease from a night of sleeping with you...mono...haha. He's like, um, wtf. You know, because once you get mono you are always a carrier. Which is hilarious. Not being a carrier, that's stupid. He thinks I have like herpes or something, and I got it from you. You dirty slut.
Haha. kidding.

I wish I had something more interesting to talk about. I don't anymore. My life has become totally normal and I reaaaaaaalllllllyyyyy like it. Good times.

Miss you!

-mbizzle.