Me: *whispering my homwork* Drüben und droben wär ich so gern...
William: Are you ok?? o.O
Me: yeeees. I'm go over my homework.
William: It sounded like you were saying "fuck" over and over.
Me: I was speaking in German.
William: Is there really a difference?

hahaha...fuck fuck fuck fuck I am so not ready for anything right now. Finals, please go the fuck away.

That's how I used to feel about Garry, don't worry, the anger goes away after awhile and is replaced with complete apathy toward the person.

Also, my fucking stupid ridiculous piece of shit phone will not stay on for more than two bloody seconds... >.>

Aaaand, Garrett is a bitch (I was going to say asshole, but that implies she's male so...).

As to my thoughts on my life right now:
*sigh* wtf.


That about sums it up.

I feel sick. I feel like the worst kind of person. I don't care if Brian says he's not upset with me, I am upset with myself. What I don't understand is how you can sleep at night. Oh, that's right! You can't! I guess it's because you basically the worst human being on the planet. You are disgusting, and pathetic, and worthless. You sit at home all day on your pathetic ass and you do nothing, and you tell your pathetic little sob story and wait for people to validate you.
I'm done doing that for you. I'm done staying awake at night talking to you because I want to believe you were that nice boy I used to know. I don't think you ever really were, I just had this made up fantasy about you in my head, and when you shattered it all those months ago I just couldn't let go because I wanted so bad to believe it was true.
So thank you for fucking me Garrett, that's the real reason I didn't want to fucking see your face after that. Because it was the realization that you repulsed me, that you and Nick and every other ass I've dated, you're all the same. So you can like to Beth and everyone else, but you can't lie to me. I am the only person who was probably ever really honest with you, and I'm probably the only person who ever loved you. I don't love you anymore. And I haven't loved you for a long time. I was holding on, hoping you could be my best friend. But you never were a friend to me, were you Garrett? You don't know how to be a friend, not to me or anyone. And for the first time in a long time I am legitimately happy. And you will never know how that feels.
I would pity you, if the idea of feeling sorry for you didn't make me want to vomit again. I deleted your phone number out of my phone, and I'm never talking to you again, like I should have months ago. I'm not lying for you anymore, you made your bed, now you can lie in it. I am not afraid of you.
It's incredibly satisfying knowing in five years my life will mean something, and yours will not.

Cindy. I know you already know about me sleeping with Garrett, so this isn't a huge shock to you. Bummer. I hope you're okay, and you should text me.

-mb

You know how easy it is to trick the human mind? If you pretend to shake salt on the back of your tongue you wil ACTUALLY TASTE SALT... weird.

oh, yeah, cuz I neeeeever blog about ~my~ boyfriend. :P

I read (don't laugh) and laughed because it said not to, sorry. lol.

No more reasons to deny...

Of course she did. Ho. And I am not going to chatroulette.com if I'm going to be subjected to talking to someones wiener....okay, no I'll go right now. Hold on, let me open a new tab. Omg it wants access to my webcam and camera. I clicked deny, I'm sitting here in shorts and my star trek tshirt, no make up...hellz no. You can't play without it. No one needs to see me, especially someones wiener.
Okay, experiment over.

Dude, okay, so like, things with Brian have been going really well...kind of. I mean, on his parts I'm sure everything is fine. I'm just doubting everything now, it started a while back when I was talking to Christy, and now I can't really get what she said coupled with what Nicks faggot friend said out of my head. I feel bad because sometimes my mood just switches and I know he's sitting there thinking "wtf is wrong with this girl?!" I dunno. I know it's silly and what not.
The other night he told me he loved me, I think that has a lot to do with it. He does things just because he thinks I will like it, like recording my favorite soccer teams so I can watch it later, or he surprised me with root beer because he remembered it was the only kind of soda I really enjoy (lemonade is not soda, I'm pretty sure). I can be totally myself around him, in all my spastic nerdy glory without catching shit about it. Trip up the stairs? No big deal. Knock something over? It's all good. I think that's why it freaks me out so much, he's just so easy to get along with, and nothing phases him.
With Nick it was never like that, despite what he wants to think. He flipped out if cabinet doors got left open. He made fun of me constantly for the way I talked (semi trucks, God how I hate that I correct myself every time I start to say it), it drove him up a wall that I am unable to walk across a flat stable surface without tripping over my own feet. Nothing was ever good enough, and I was good with that for whatever reason. Stayed with him for forever and a half. He hated my hair unless it was pin straight. No curls, ever (which has always been my favorite), and au natural...no way. He would get pissed if I wanted to go out in no make up, or very little, and I've never really been a big make up person. Same with the dressing up. Nick always wanted me to be dressed up when we went out, even though he was in jeans and a band t-shirt. It looked retarded. When I woke up in the morning he would refer to me as a shebeast (dont laugh), because my hair was always crazy.
He hated my friends and my family. If anyone criticized him he would fly off the handle. How dare my mom dislike him. It couldn't be him, it was her, she's a crazy bitch. My friends made fun of him in Balderdash (who doesn't get made fun of), it's all, you could do better, those people aren't your friends.
How dare Nick tell me I was the one who treated him poorly. I forget Nick, was I the one who would go out late every night with my friends to random disgusting bars while you stayed home, did I roll in at three....I'm getting sidetracked. He just pisses me off.
Anyway, my point here is that, even in the beginning, a lot of things were like that (the hair and make up thing especially. Nick and I started fighting like a week into our relationship, and that is not an exaggeration. It was in a movie theater parking lot, he was pissed that Finan and I went running together), and with Brian it is the total opposite. I could walk around covered in dirt and I don't think Brian would say crap about it (I referenced mud the other day and he seemed down for that). He tells me pretty when I look like a mess, like a hardcore mess, make up running and jacked up hair (I had gotten wet). Half the time I'm not even sure what I'm doing, just looking at him, or tossing my hair and he's suddenly trying to remove all my clothing. Everything is, "baby it's not a big deal," everything. I don't think we could fight. We had an argument, if you could even call it that. Possibly a miscommunication. Anyway, it was super nice, and was resolved in like, a minute.
uuuuuuuggggghhhh I don't know why I'm complaining. Hit me. This boy is way too good for me, but I think I deserve it.


Do you ever look at the weird people on facebook, and when you notice they have a boyfriend click the link just because you want to see who could possibly love them? I do that every once and a while, and then wonder if people do that to me.

Sorry for blogging specifically about my boyfriend. I'll try and be more interesting later on.

-mbiz

And the truth is...

I just can't imagine being with anyone one else.




I miss you, ho. You were supposed to come see me :(

Is it just me, or did "Sarah Beth" Wohaska kind of steal the "Beth" Idea from ~Mary~beth?

I think so.

I'm sure you agree.

chatroulette.com just... go there.

wtf is chatroulette?!

tried chatroulette... first connection was with a penis... that's my luck I suppose.

I'm thoroughly creeped now.

St. Louis is Awesome, Penny Arcade agrees!

Packing up and coming home. See you in 3 and a half hours, St. Louis.

I shall leave you with this penny arcade blog excerpt:

"Book tours, though: yow. When you go to New York, it doesn't really surprise anyone. The position, and one need not state it aloud for it to be well understood, is that people go to New York. It is a destination. Things were altogether different in St. Louis.
I do not mean to say that love was insufficient in that Newest of Yorks, which would be churlish in the extreme. That would be extreme churling, an activity which I understand is being considered for the Winter Games. What I mean to say is that many of the people we met in St. Louis were almost bewildered that we had appeared there, gazing upon us as though we were terrifying apparitions, our spectral flesh scored by the grisly manner of our demise. It was equal parts appreciation and shock, as though we'd just shot a tarantula off their shoulder. It was our unalloyed pleasure to come and see you, and no special thanks are required - only our apologies that we had not come sooner, and that our visit was of such meager duration."

omg

But can you feel this magic in the air, it must have been the way you kissed me.

Oh god. I swear I won't talk about Brian longer than a paragraph, but it's like one day I said, this is what I want in a person, and God said, okay, here's Brian. I know we just met, but holy shit. His sister is great too, she's sending me the most ridiculous pictures of him right now. I can't wait for you to meet him.
This Taylor song that I'm quoting here, it came on yesterday. She started singing, "I wore a dress, you wore a dark gray t-shirt, you told me I was pretty when I looked like a mess." And when shes singing this Brian looks over at me (in a dress) then at him (in a dark gray t-shirt), and says, "Didn't I tell you that last night?" And I'm like, "mmhmm." And now this is our song. My sister thinks its super fucking gay. I think it's super fucking cute. If I send him the lyrics over my phone he always sends something sweet back about how he can't stop smiling. God. I'm all wrapped up. It's bad.

OKAY ILL STOP BUT SHIT HES CUTE.

We're planning a camping trip in May. I already promised Christy that she could be my sleeping bag buddy, but we can all be tent friends if you want.
Courtney has been annoying me lately. She's all about Fabrice. They're gonna be in France for a fucking month. I wish she'd hang with us.
Ooh, ladies night Thursday, if you're nearby here. Free drinks for good looking ladies! (or just anything female, whatevs)
I never have anything good to talk about. Lame

-mb