I don't even know anymore.
I'm like... beating myself over the head with this relationship (that's an odd image) and there isn't even anything wrong with it.
Well, at least nothing wrong with it that I actually have proof of. (No, I don't think he's cheating on me)
I keep going back to the conversation we had about "why we broke up" and I worry that he might still be in the same boat. I worry that I just convinced him back into this whole thing like "It's ok, it doesn't matter." hoping that he would bounce back. And it seems like it is... back to how it was before he got all confused/confusing. But maybe that's because he thinks there's no worry about where it's going. I worry that he thinks we're on the same page of "This is going nowhere (for sure) after under-graduate school." And it bothers me so much to think I might lose him, and even more so to think that he expects to lose me... I just want him to tell me it's not still like that. That it's changed, and every thing's better, and that there's a chance we'll make it past college. I'm not asking for guarantees or promises. I just want to know that he wants this relationship to work out like I want it to work out. Doesn't mean it will, just that we want it too. Because that really is important. Isn't it? Otherwise, what's the point?
I know he loves me, and I know he cares about me. I really want/need to have this conversation with him, but if I initiate it, I will regret it if I'm right. If we had never had that conversation in the first place... I wouldn't be worried. I would know he was in this for real, because we both agree (fundamentally) that a relationship you can see no future in (at least not a good chance) is not worth the effort, and is pointless. But I fear I may have talked him out of that logic somehow... I hope not. I just really didn't want to lose him. I still don't.
This keeps popping into my mind because it's the only reason I'm afraid to bring up senior year and graduate school. Because, I would follow him, where ever he wanted to go, no questions, and I want him to know that, but I'm too afraid of the rejection that might bring, follow by another conversation, and a break-up. Like, I don't know how much he thinks about the future (I know he didn't want to start looking into schools until after China, and he keeps putting off setting a time to come to Kville this summer) but I think about it a lot, and I think that my going along with him after college could really work.
If we lived together Senior year, we could use it as kind of a "trial" on whether we could stand living together for an extended period of time. Then when he goes to grad school (where ever that ends up being) I could transfer to a walmart near by (that sounds really lame, but I'd keep my pay rate so...) and work there while I look for a job-job (unless he doesn't plan on being there long, in which case I could endure Walmart for a couple years). Anyway, he would hopefully have an assistantship to cover tuition, and I could keep up on bills so he could go to school without having to worry about a job (outside of the assistantship, I mean)
However, I can't discuss that, because that would first require the terrifying conversation of "after graduation..." Because the last time that was brought up, he was convinced we wouldn't even remain friends (which really upset me), and I wanted to be like, "What if I went with you?" but...heh...
Plus then he would already know one person, so he wouldn't feel as isolated (if he goes far away.)
Some one smack me and tell me I'm being stupid (nudges Mary).
P.S. the thought of Marybeth secretly sending a link of this to William just crossed my mind, and in it... I killed her.
P.P.S. Pet insurance that is almost $100 every other month? that's pretty intense...
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
"i pretty much hate the fact that the majority of people i have come across feel sorry for themselves about little things. I think i would love to meet more people that are positive and know that the past can't stop them, the present can't beat them, and the future can be defeated. Desire, dignity, and determination are all very important qualities because without them, you can't acheive. I always remember, if you say can't, well then youre right. "
I've been thinking about that paragraph above me a bit, and thinking that, if the people I knew who did constantly feel sorry for themselves would start thinking that there is nothing in life that could keep them down, I would probably like them better.
Not that my opinion of them matters any, but it gets old having to always reassure people that they're wonderful and fantastic and yes you like them, and no it's not the end of the world.
I think thats why Cindy and I get along so well. If I am having a tiny pity party, she pretty much bitch slaps me out of it. I like to think I do the same. But who knows (I do.).
So, single. Yes. This feels...well, okay, it feels just like everything else minus the fact that my sex life is now nonexistent . That's okay though. Been asked out a few times, all have been awkward...I kind of wish Justin was serious about the whole, we would date if only he weren't so funny, because some chick he liked forever ago and asked out told him he was too funny, and couldn't date someone so funny. Um...I'm sorry, what? Anyway, this has become a running joke between us, that we could date it if only he weren't so funny. Anyway, it's totally no big deal, but still, I think one date with him would make my life complete. He's sarcastic like I am, we can go back and forth all day, and I laugh so hard.
But anyway, in all seriousness, I'll probably just end up marrying Nick. Or some drifter.
Korey at work has become really persistent...which is...which is really almost creepy. He sent me a text message last night at one in the morning asking if I was still awake, which I ignored. And two days ago was trying to get me to hang out with him after work...to which I also ignored. I don't know how he isn't noticing this. He has three children! And a live in girlfriend! Confessed to Nick that I was getting the creep out vibe from him, but of course Nick's first plan of action is to have a chat with the dude. I like that Nick is so ready to stand up for me...but dislike the idea of having to find a new job should Nick beat his ass.
This is Nicks solution to everything. There are a few people on the list, and his favorite, I can't even argue with.
I'm looking up pet insurance. Jasper has been to the hospital three times in the last three weeks, has another visit with the vet in a week to have his staple removed (he was attacked by another dog), then two weeks after that for his second round of shots, and then he gets neutered, and then another round of shots after that. It's all become very expensive. Today's vet bill was 117 dollars, thankfully Nick paid him, and when his face began swelling up yesterday (so sad, but so cute),taking him to back to the animal hospital was free (yay!). But his first emergency bill was 84 bucks, and the second was 270...so...to insure Colbie and Japser is 48.84 a month, and they would reimburse us for his neutering and vaccinations and other things like that.
I'm going to run it by Nick, I think he'll agree with me.
Or I'll just buy it and not tell him. Either way.
-embee out
I've been thinking about that paragraph above me a bit, and thinking that, if the people I knew who did constantly feel sorry for themselves would start thinking that there is nothing in life that could keep them down, I would probably like them better.
Not that my opinion of them matters any, but it gets old having to always reassure people that they're wonderful and fantastic and yes you like them, and no it's not the end of the world.
I think thats why Cindy and I get along so well. If I am having a tiny pity party, she pretty much bitch slaps me out of it. I like to think I do the same. But who knows (I do.).
So, single. Yes. This feels...well, okay, it feels just like everything else minus the fact that my sex life is now nonexistent . That's okay though. Been asked out a few times, all have been awkward...I kind of wish Justin was serious about the whole, we would date if only he weren't so funny, because some chick he liked forever ago and asked out told him he was too funny, and couldn't date someone so funny. Um...I'm sorry, what? Anyway, this has become a running joke between us, that we could date it if only he weren't so funny. Anyway, it's totally no big deal, but still, I think one date with him would make my life complete. He's sarcastic like I am, we can go back and forth all day, and I laugh so hard.
But anyway, in all seriousness, I'll probably just end up marrying Nick. Or some drifter.
Korey at work has become really persistent...which is...which is really almost creepy. He sent me a text message last night at one in the morning asking if I was still awake, which I ignored. And two days ago was trying to get me to hang out with him after work...to which I also ignored. I don't know how he isn't noticing this. He has three children! And a live in girlfriend! Confessed to Nick that I was getting the creep out vibe from him, but of course Nick's first plan of action is to have a chat with the dude. I like that Nick is so ready to stand up for me...but dislike the idea of having to find a new job should Nick beat his ass.
This is Nicks solution to everything. There are a few people on the list, and his favorite, I can't even argue with.
I'm looking up pet insurance. Jasper has been to the hospital three times in the last three weeks, has another visit with the vet in a week to have his staple removed (he was attacked by another dog), then two weeks after that for his second round of shots, and then he gets neutered, and then another round of shots after that. It's all become very expensive. Today's vet bill was 117 dollars, thankfully Nick paid him, and when his face began swelling up yesterday (so sad, but so cute),taking him to back to the animal hospital was free (yay!). But his first emergency bill was 84 bucks, and the second was 270...so...to insure Colbie and Japser is 48.84 a month, and they would reimburse us for his neutering and vaccinations and other things like that.
I'm going to run it by Nick, I think he'll agree with me.
Or I'll just buy it and not tell him. Either way.
-embee out
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Soundtracks
I'm sitting in my big apartment with two sleeping puppies waiting on my hair to dry just a bit more before I subject it to all the heat it needs to face to insure I look halfway decent in the morning for my all day kill me now shift.
Nick was supposed to be home early, or at least I thought that was what he said, we were going to sit around and talk. But he's with friends. I don't really care, more mildly irritated with the direction my thoughts have taken. I won't pretend that I understand myself any better than anyone else. I talked to Finan about it, I like that we can talk again, and decided to sleep on it a few nights before I made any decisions.
Korey at worked offered me a place to live. Living with Korey would be fucking awesome, but weird at the same time. It would be like living with a brother...who wants in your pants.
Anyway, today a customer was talking about ten songs that he could still remember, even now, and that he would remember until he died (probably not too far off), and it got me to thinking about songs in my life that were significant, and I was surprised there were so many. I guess we never really think too much about the actual soundtrack of our lives, since we are real people and not a disney movie, but there are a few that still stand out in my mind, and that I imagine probably will forever.
I hope so, at any rate.
So, here goes.
In no particular order:
Goodbye To You- Michelle Branch: 8th Grade, me and Cindy dating a certain pair of twins. We orchestrated this whole..fiasco to where we had the band room alone to ourselves, and played this song since said twins were leaving for New York for several days and we would miss them. Cindys twin held a stand in front of his face. Mine gave me a giant dog. It's still embarrassing to think about, but I'm smiling, so that's an improvement. Normally I cringe.
Something Like You- NSYNC: I know it's totally cheesy and way lame, but I feel no shame in admitting it..now. But this was the first song that I actually felt something for. Like, on the inside, your heart flutters, your breathing speeds up, and you think, yeah, I'd like to be that girl. Totally. That was in, like, the sixth grade. No shame.
Here In My Room- Incubus: Had just met Nick, who was charming and handsome, and for some crazy reason couldn't stand being away from me for more than five minutes. Anyway, he wanted us to have a song. Everyone he picked I rejected. He even tried a Pearl Jam one. No. No. No. Anyway, he puts this cd in his car, tells me to shut up, and turns the volume on, and that's when I realized I was in love with him. He sang the lyrics as he drove down the high way, and his face was so sincere. It was a really good moment.
Bang The Doldrums- Fall Out Boy: Sitting at home watching Criminal Minds when I receive a text from Ryan Finan. "Number 11 reminds me of us". Two hours later he said he was in love with me. This song is bittersweet. I wish things had gone different, but never the less, I always remember it when I think of him, and think of him when I hear it.
This Love- Pantera- Mmm...such a dark period in my life. Mostly sitting in my room listening to music, can remember hearing this song randomly and being completely obsessed with it. My mom was freaked out when she heard it come from my radio, but I thank the band a little bit. Listening to them made me feel human again.
Lovesong- The Cure: Seriously, there is nothing bad about this song. The remake is crappy, so don't listen to that one. I used to sing it Colbie in my car or in my room when she was tiny, and she would fall asleep in my lap. It was a good feeling. This is probably the only song that, upon hearing, can change the mood I am in instantly. Catching Brits.
Harder Faster Stronger-Kanye West: Was playing in the car when I first brought Colbie home, she liked the noise. Was playing when I brought her back to the hospital when I thought she was dying. Was playing (because I burned a cd with it on there at that point) when I brought her home. When it plays she always cocks her head at the radio, so I think she knows its her song.
My Curse- Killswitch Engage: I wanted to be the girl the guy was missing in this song. I know better than that now.
Letting The Cable Sleep- Bush: All my times with Pete. Just driving around in his giant truck, making medallions at the art museum, goofing off in Best Buy, anything.
Best Of You- Foo Fighters: I listened to that cd constantly all junior year. That song spoke to me. Plus, every time I watch Episode Three of Star Wars I think of it. Bonus!
That's ten I think. Or I can't count.
Time for hair, then possibly a movie. Or bed.
-mb
Nick was supposed to be home early, or at least I thought that was what he said, we were going to sit around and talk. But he's with friends. I don't really care, more mildly irritated with the direction my thoughts have taken. I won't pretend that I understand myself any better than anyone else. I talked to Finan about it, I like that we can talk again, and decided to sleep on it a few nights before I made any decisions.
Korey at worked offered me a place to live. Living with Korey would be fucking awesome, but weird at the same time. It would be like living with a brother...who wants in your pants.
Anyway, today a customer was talking about ten songs that he could still remember, even now, and that he would remember until he died (probably not too far off), and it got me to thinking about songs in my life that were significant, and I was surprised there were so many. I guess we never really think too much about the actual soundtrack of our lives, since we are real people and not a disney movie, but there are a few that still stand out in my mind, and that I imagine probably will forever.
I hope so, at any rate.
So, here goes.
In no particular order:
Goodbye To You- Michelle Branch: 8th Grade, me and Cindy dating a certain pair of twins. We orchestrated this whole..fiasco to where we had the band room alone to ourselves, and played this song since said twins were leaving for New York for several days and we would miss them. Cindys twin held a stand in front of his face. Mine gave me a giant dog. It's still embarrassing to think about, but I'm smiling, so that's an improvement. Normally I cringe.
Something Like You- NSYNC: I know it's totally cheesy and way lame, but I feel no shame in admitting it..now. But this was the first song that I actually felt something for. Like, on the inside, your heart flutters, your breathing speeds up, and you think, yeah, I'd like to be that girl. Totally. That was in, like, the sixth grade. No shame.
Here In My Room- Incubus: Had just met Nick, who was charming and handsome, and for some crazy reason couldn't stand being away from me for more than five minutes. Anyway, he wanted us to have a song. Everyone he picked I rejected. He even tried a Pearl Jam one. No. No. No. Anyway, he puts this cd in his car, tells me to shut up, and turns the volume on, and that's when I realized I was in love with him. He sang the lyrics as he drove down the high way, and his face was so sincere. It was a really good moment.
Bang The Doldrums- Fall Out Boy: Sitting at home watching Criminal Minds when I receive a text from Ryan Finan. "Number 11 reminds me of us". Two hours later he said he was in love with me. This song is bittersweet. I wish things had gone different, but never the less, I always remember it when I think of him, and think of him when I hear it.
This Love- Pantera- Mmm...such a dark period in my life. Mostly sitting in my room listening to music, can remember hearing this song randomly and being completely obsessed with it. My mom was freaked out when she heard it come from my radio, but I thank the band a little bit. Listening to them made me feel human again.
Lovesong- The Cure: Seriously, there is nothing bad about this song. The remake is crappy, so don't listen to that one. I used to sing it Colbie in my car or in my room when she was tiny, and she would fall asleep in my lap. It was a good feeling. This is probably the only song that, upon hearing, can change the mood I am in instantly. Catching Brits.
Harder Faster Stronger-Kanye West: Was playing in the car when I first brought Colbie home, she liked the noise. Was playing when I brought her back to the hospital when I thought she was dying. Was playing (because I burned a cd with it on there at that point) when I brought her home. When it plays she always cocks her head at the radio, so I think she knows its her song.
My Curse- Killswitch Engage: I wanted to be the girl the guy was missing in this song. I know better than that now.
Letting The Cable Sleep- Bush: All my times with Pete. Just driving around in his giant truck, making medallions at the art museum, goofing off in Best Buy, anything.
Best Of You- Foo Fighters: I listened to that cd constantly all junior year. That song spoke to me. Plus, every time I watch Episode Three of Star Wars I think of it. Bonus!
That's ten I think. Or I can't count.
Time for hair, then possibly a movie. Or bed.
-mb
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Sunday, June 14, 2009
You didn't mean it baby..
...I DONT THINK SO...
My relationship with Nick is a complete joke. I'm pretty sure he calls me a bitch more than he tells me he loves me.
And I know what I should do. All my girlfriends (and several dudes) were telling me to leave, and, while it's a bit more complicated than that, I think it's basically come down to that. I don't think I can make it through this with Nick for another twelve months. He keeps pretending like nothing is wrong, that this is normal for people to go through, and I understand that love doesn't always work one hundred percent of the time, but I don't think when I'm twenty I need to be working THIS hard to make things work with him. And whenever I mention this he acts like I have some kind of romanticized and idealized vision of love...
Me. Romanticized love...wasn't my mantra all through high school FUCK LOVE? I think it was. Didn't I tell him when I first met him that I DIDNT want to fall in love? I didn't say it back to him when he first said it to me. He had to fight hard for that. I wish I had just slept with him and then broken up with him.
Okay, I don't wish that.
When Nick and I break up I do know one thing, and that is that I want to be single for a while. I want to be able to go out at night and not have to worry about having to be home early or not be slutty or whatever. I want to be able to get super shit faced and make bad choices with strangers. I want to be accountable for only me (and of course my lovely dog Colbie. But she's too much of a princess to let a stranger touch her inappropriately. Whereas I am not.).
I don't know how things will work out when that happens with everyone. I never made any promises, and mostly, what all this taught me, was that I need to be with myself for a while. I don't know how long, but it's not fair to start anything new if I'm not completely committed. If my head isn't fully in the game it's just not fair.
Meh. More to follow as things progressively get worse.
-mbizzle
My relationship with Nick is a complete joke. I'm pretty sure he calls me a bitch more than he tells me he loves me.
And I know what I should do. All my girlfriends (and several dudes) were telling me to leave, and, while it's a bit more complicated than that, I think it's basically come down to that. I don't think I can make it through this with Nick for another twelve months. He keeps pretending like nothing is wrong, that this is normal for people to go through, and I understand that love doesn't always work one hundred percent of the time, but I don't think when I'm twenty I need to be working THIS hard to make things work with him. And whenever I mention this he acts like I have some kind of romanticized and idealized vision of love...
Me. Romanticized love...wasn't my mantra all through high school FUCK LOVE? I think it was. Didn't I tell him when I first met him that I DIDNT want to fall in love? I didn't say it back to him when he first said it to me. He had to fight hard for that. I wish I had just slept with him and then broken up with him.
Okay, I don't wish that.
When Nick and I break up I do know one thing, and that is that I want to be single for a while. I want to be able to go out at night and not have to worry about having to be home early or not be slutty or whatever. I want to be able to get super shit faced and make bad choices with strangers. I want to be accountable for only me (and of course my lovely dog Colbie. But she's too much of a princess to let a stranger touch her inappropriately. Whereas I am not.).
I don't know how things will work out when that happens with everyone. I never made any promises, and mostly, what all this taught me, was that I need to be with myself for a while. I don't know how long, but it's not fair to start anything new if I'm not completely committed. If my head isn't fully in the game it's just not fair.
Meh. More to follow as things progressively get worse.
-mbizzle
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Dont apologize for all the tears you've cried...
...you've been way to strong now for all your life..
I KNOW GAY THAT IM GOING TO WASTE BLOG SPACE WITH SONG LYRICS BUT ITS NOT LIKE CINDY IS SAYING ANYTHING TO ME.
So FUCK IT.
Haha. Caps makes everything sound angry.
You're on the phone with your girlfriend
shes upset.
Shes going off about something that you said
'Cuz she doesn't, get your humor like I do...
I'm in the room
It's a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like
and she'll never know your story like i do
But she wears short skirts
I wear T-shirts
She's cheer captain
And I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up
And find what you're looking for has been here the whole time
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
been here all along so why can't you see, you
You belong with me
You belong with me
Walkin' the streets with you and your worn-out jeans
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself
Hey isn't this easy
And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town
I haven't seen it in a while since she brought you down
You say you're fine
I know you better then that
Hey whatcha doing with a girl like that
She wears high heels
I wear sneakers
Shes cheer captain and
I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see
You belong with me
Standing by and waiting at your back door
all this time how could you not know
Baby....
You belong with me
You belong with me
Oh
I remember you drivin' to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh
When you know you're about to cry
And i know your favorite songs
And you tell me about your dreams
Think I know where you belong
Think I know it's with me...
Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along
So why can't you see
You belong with me
Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time
How could you not know
Baby you belong with me
You belong with me
You belong with me
Have you ever thought just maybe
you belong with me
You belong with me...
Now watch the video!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGWE3hwJ21U
You know I'm a bitch because I know that all the pieces fit together, but don't do anything about it.
-embee
I KNOW GAY THAT IM GOING TO WASTE BLOG SPACE WITH SONG LYRICS BUT ITS NOT LIKE CINDY IS SAYING ANYTHING TO ME.
So FUCK IT.
Haha. Caps makes everything sound angry.
You're on the phone with your girlfriend
shes upset.
Shes going off about something that you said
'Cuz she doesn't, get your humor like I do...
I'm in the room
It's a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music she doesn't like
and she'll never know your story like i do
But she wears short skirts
I wear T-shirts
She's cheer captain
And I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up
And find what you're looking for has been here the whole time
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
been here all along so why can't you see, you
You belong with me
You belong with me
Walkin' the streets with you and your worn-out jeans
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be
Laughing on a park bench, thinking to myself
Hey isn't this easy
And you've got a smile that could light up this whole town
I haven't seen it in a while since she brought you down
You say you're fine
I know you better then that
Hey whatcha doing with a girl like that
She wears high heels
I wear sneakers
Shes cheer captain and
I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day when you wake up and find
That what you're looking for has been here the whole time
If you could see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along so why can't you see
You belong with me
Standing by and waiting at your back door
all this time how could you not know
Baby....
You belong with me
You belong with me
Oh
I remember you drivin' to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh
When you know you're about to cry
And i know your favorite songs
And you tell me about your dreams
Think I know where you belong
Think I know it's with me...
Can't you see that I'm the one who understands you
Been here all along
So why can't you see
You belong with me
Standing by and waiting at your back door
All this time
How could you not know
Baby you belong with me
You belong with me
You belong with me
Have you ever thought just maybe
you belong with me
You belong with me...
Now watch the video!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BGWE3hwJ21U
You know I'm a bitch because I know that all the pieces fit together, but don't do anything about it.
-embee
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
It's not faith if you use your eyes...
Mmm...So we have a new RP, which means I have something to obsess about in my spare time. I'll enjoy that at work. I enjoy very few things at my job anymore, having been there eleven months. I wonder how many hours I've logged talking to people about pen refills and post it notes. Probably more than I ever dreamed possible, but then again, I will never understand why someone will pay forty dollars for a ball point pen, and four dollar to buy the refill when you can buy a bag of bic pens that has ten in there for like, two fifty. The pen makes the man I guess.
Sunday was a sucky day as far as the hair comments go. I hadn't washed it, so it looked darker, and everyone and their mother had something to say about it. Saturday was like that too. I want to smack people with a fucking note pad. It's fucking hair, not gold.
Sunday night was pretty enjoyable as far as nights doing basically nothing go. I'm still surprised that people like hearing me talk so much. Not that I'm complaining. I'm just saying.
Oh fuck, I'm not really saying anything.
So, things get more interesting, and more depressing in intervals. Nick and Tori (Trailer Trash Tori and Garrett and I like to call her) have been getting cozy. He says that him saying he'll meet her and call her ("what time after ten is good for you?") is no big deal. So we'll see. I mean literally. He told me he loved her when he was a kid, and trust me, feelings like that don't go away. I'll be sad to see him go, if he does. I'll be really sad to see the apartment go. I love living on my own, I don't want to move back in with my mom...she always says she won't hassle me, and there will be no curfew...but I know better...
So, in other news, red Hawaiian shirts are basically my new favorite thing. I hate that I have 40 hours this week, or I would go out and fetch one. It would have to be a really good one, that could take a couple of hours looking for...this makes no sense to anyone but me.
HAHA!
okay.
no more of this.
i've gone for too long living like i'm not alive...so i'm gonna start over tonight, beginning with you and i..
-embee
Sunday was a sucky day as far as the hair comments go. I hadn't washed it, so it looked darker, and everyone and their mother had something to say about it. Saturday was like that too. I want to smack people with a fucking note pad. It's fucking hair, not gold.
Sunday night was pretty enjoyable as far as nights doing basically nothing go. I'm still surprised that people like hearing me talk so much. Not that I'm complaining. I'm just saying.
Oh fuck, I'm not really saying anything.
So, things get more interesting, and more depressing in intervals. Nick and Tori (Trailer Trash Tori and Garrett and I like to call her) have been getting cozy. He says that him saying he'll meet her and call her ("what time after ten is good for you?") is no big deal. So we'll see. I mean literally. He told me he loved her when he was a kid, and trust me, feelings like that don't go away. I'll be sad to see him go, if he does. I'll be really sad to see the apartment go. I love living on my own, I don't want to move back in with my mom...she always says she won't hassle me, and there will be no curfew...but I know better...
So, in other news, red Hawaiian shirts are basically my new favorite thing. I hate that I have 40 hours this week, or I would go out and fetch one. It would have to be a really good one, that could take a couple of hours looking for...this makes no sense to anyone but me.
HAHA!
okay.
no more of this.
i've gone for too long living like i'm not alive...so i'm gonna start over tonight, beginning with you and i..
-embee
ohmigod stop commenting on everything I do on facebook. You're weird, I don't like you, and you aren't even related to me anymore, so our connection has ceased to exist (for like 17 years now!) I didn't want to friend you in the first place, and I tried not to, but your daughter (who I do actually like) kind of backed me into a corner.
Stop facebook stalking me! Do you seriously have nothing else to do but stalk and comment on your ex-niece's (whom you haven't seen in at least 10 years) facebook profile??? Good God, woman...
Also, everyone (as far as costumers go) was so pissy yesterday. Like... everyone. I don't know what the crap happened, but no one was pleased with anything, and I'm sure Meggie and I are going to get a lecture when we go into work today. So ridiculous.
First of all, I'm new, and Meggie is newer. So, the two of us closing on our own was stressful enough. Then we had to deal with a huge amount of seriously pissy people, and got way behind and ended up clocking out a half an hour late. It's not our fault PJ called in sick. It's NOT our fault we were out of roast beef. And it's not my fucking fault if you came to the deli expecting me to just hand you some sliced meat so you can get to your ballgame on time. You either need to buy the precut shit, or come in early enough for me to cut it. Otherwise, if you want to be on time, all I can do for you is chop you off a nice big nasty slice of ham and you can cut it your damn self on the way!
So many moments yesterday I wanted to yell at someone. Customers for blaming me for shit. Meggie for running around like a decapitated chicken when she couldn't find the roast beef, which made both of us end up looking like we had no idea what the fuck we were doing. Oh, and that customer she was trying to help was nice enough to inform me that he knew the store manager and would be having a word with him... fantastic. I really wanted to yell at Genie (the night lady who makes sandwiches and we always try to have the front done before she comes so we can avoid her.) She will talk and talk and talk and talk, and have no care what-so-ever that you have a job to do and a deadline to do it by. >.> She sort of hekped us, but I think she wasted more time yammering than she saved by helping. Plus she kept complaining about how we were doing things, and that she had her own job to do, and I wanted to be like "Then go fucking do it! No one told you to come back here!"
Stop facebook stalking me! Do you seriously have nothing else to do but stalk and comment on your ex-niece's (whom you haven't seen in at least 10 years) facebook profile??? Good God, woman...
Also, everyone (as far as costumers go) was so pissy yesterday. Like... everyone. I don't know what the crap happened, but no one was pleased with anything, and I'm sure Meggie and I are going to get a lecture when we go into work today. So ridiculous.
First of all, I'm new, and Meggie is newer. So, the two of us closing on our own was stressful enough. Then we had to deal with a huge amount of seriously pissy people, and got way behind and ended up clocking out a half an hour late. It's not our fault PJ called in sick. It's NOT our fault we were out of roast beef. And it's not my fucking fault if you came to the deli expecting me to just hand you some sliced meat so you can get to your ballgame on time. You either need to buy the precut shit, or come in early enough for me to cut it. Otherwise, if you want to be on time, all I can do for you is chop you off a nice big nasty slice of ham and you can cut it your damn self on the way!
So many moments yesterday I wanted to yell at someone. Customers for blaming me for shit. Meggie for running around like a decapitated chicken when she couldn't find the roast beef, which made both of us end up looking like we had no idea what the fuck we were doing. Oh, and that customer she was trying to help was nice enough to inform me that he knew the store manager and would be having a word with him... fantastic. I really wanted to yell at Genie (the night lady who makes sandwiches and we always try to have the front done before she comes so we can avoid her.) She will talk and talk and talk and talk, and have no care what-so-ever that you have a job to do and a deadline to do it by. >.> She sort of hekped us, but I think she wasted more time yammering than she saved by helping. Plus she kept complaining about how we were doing things, and that she had her own job to do, and I wanted to be like "Then go fucking do it! No one told you to come back here!"
Sunday, June 7, 2009
I would totally love to go camping, and I would totally love to bring WIll and introduce him to the group.... except that would take a lot of preparation... like
"They're all going to call me Cindy. If you say 'blah blah Cynthia' they are going to respond with '...who? I thought you were dating Cindy?' also... er... there may be some references you don't quite catch, to things you don't quite know about so... uh.... well... let's just make it simple: In high school, everyone basically thought I was a whore, and while I did do somethings I'm not proud of, it was far from whoredom." (spellcheck says whoredom is a word... fascinating.)
So, I guess that would probably be a bad idea... depending on who was going.
I am up way too late, and have been drinking a little (first time since february!!). Dan went to the emergency room today. Haven't heard back from him or Kyle, so I don't know how he's doing, but I'm assuming that when/if anything serious occurs, one way or the other, I will hear from somebody. Maybe. Also, I got notification that my app. for a 1500 loan was denied today. That was supposed to pay for summer school... so now I owe school 1,500, the gas company 150, the water company 180, Hannah 160, and I still have to be able to pay rent and utilities at the end of this month. How am I going to do that, you ask? I'm not. I'm fucked. Super fucked even. Because, even without the loan, I still wouldn't have enough, because Walmart gives me shit for hours, so now I'm applying at McDs and BK in hopes of getting a shift to fit around class, walmart, and sleep.
Fuck
My
Life
"They're all going to call me Cindy. If you say 'blah blah Cynthia' they are going to respond with '...who? I thought you were dating Cindy?' also... er... there may be some references you don't quite catch, to things you don't quite know about so... uh.... well... let's just make it simple: In high school, everyone basically thought I was a whore, and while I did do somethings I'm not proud of, it was far from whoredom." (spellcheck says whoredom is a word... fascinating.)
So, I guess that would probably be a bad idea... depending on who was going.
I am up way too late, and have been drinking a little (first time since february!!). Dan went to the emergency room today. Haven't heard back from him or Kyle, so I don't know how he's doing, but I'm assuming that when/if anything serious occurs, one way or the other, I will hear from somebody. Maybe. Also, I got notification that my app. for a 1500 loan was denied today. That was supposed to pay for summer school... so now I owe school 1,500, the gas company 150, the water company 180, Hannah 160, and I still have to be able to pay rent and utilities at the end of this month. How am I going to do that, you ask? I'm not. I'm fucked. Super fucked even. Because, even without the loan, I still wouldn't have enough, because Walmart gives me shit for hours, so now I'm applying at McDs and BK in hopes of getting a shift to fit around class, walmart, and sleep.
Fuck
My
Life
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Jasper is the most darling dog. Next to Colbie he's the best, Nick and I positively adore him. He's just so spunky and fun.
I got to take him to the park today, he splashed through water and dug stuff up, it was totally adorable, and then later he chased Colbie around. She's not too happy about it, but then what girl really WANTS a little brother? She'll warm up to him I think, at any rate.
No sweaters for him (yet), but tomorrow he gets a bath.
Ugh, next week I have 40 hours. The only two days off I have are Tuesday and Friday, so un cool. And then the next week I have 24 hours. It gets old. Why can't I just have 32 every week? I hate not knowing what my pay check is going to look like.
Plus I'm so fucking burned out on Office Depot. Next month I'll have been there a whole damn year. That's insane, and I know I'm not getting a raise. Nick will be irritated.
I feel like things have the potential to work themselves out, as long as I play by the rules. Things have been alright...minus a sketchy detail. Maybe getting a puppy in the middle of this was a bad idea, but I don't regret my baby Jasper beagle.
Some concerts coming to town I'd like to see. Killswitch and Trivium...and Incubus...should be able to hit up AT least one. Who knows, I am a broke ass nugga. So we'll see.
Plus a camping trip is in the works, don't know who will go, or when, but I haven't been in a while, so I'm looking forward to that. Plus, anyone want to go to 6 flags? I'm in need of retarded drops on rides I've been on millions of times.
Hmm...should I end it with song lyrics? It's been a while since I did that.
Okay. You win. I will.
I just gotta let you know, what it is that won't let me go..It's your love, it just does something to me, sends a shock right through me, I can't get enough..and if you wonder about the spell I'm under...it's your love..
-embee
I got to take him to the park today, he splashed through water and dug stuff up, it was totally adorable, and then later he chased Colbie around. She's not too happy about it, but then what girl really WANTS a little brother? She'll warm up to him I think, at any rate.
No sweaters for him (yet), but tomorrow he gets a bath.
Ugh, next week I have 40 hours. The only two days off I have are Tuesday and Friday, so un cool. And then the next week I have 24 hours. It gets old. Why can't I just have 32 every week? I hate not knowing what my pay check is going to look like.
Plus I'm so fucking burned out on Office Depot. Next month I'll have been there a whole damn year. That's insane, and I know I'm not getting a raise. Nick will be irritated.
I feel like things have the potential to work themselves out, as long as I play by the rules. Things have been alright...minus a sketchy detail. Maybe getting a puppy in the middle of this was a bad idea, but I don't regret my baby Jasper beagle.
Some concerts coming to town I'd like to see. Killswitch and Trivium...and Incubus...should be able to hit up AT least one. Who knows, I am a broke ass nugga. So we'll see.
Plus a camping trip is in the works, don't know who will go, or when, but I haven't been in a while, so I'm looking forward to that. Plus, anyone want to go to 6 flags? I'm in need of retarded drops on rides I've been on millions of times.
Hmm...should I end it with song lyrics? It's been a while since I did that.
Okay. You win. I will.
I just gotta let you know, what it is that won't let me go..It's your love, it just does something to me, sends a shock right through me, I can't get enough..and if you wonder about the spell I'm under...it's your love..
-embee
Friday, June 5, 2009
when you find you, come back to me
Two things. We have a new dog, Jasper. He's ten weeks, part beagle, and asleep next to me.
Soooo cute.
Next.
FUCK YOURSELF. FUCKING FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING ASS HOLE. Don't make me out to be the bad guy here, you KNEW I had a boyfriend, I TOLD you OVER AND FUCKING OVER than this wasn't going to work, that Nick and I had an apt, you kept saying it was fine, and then when I say, "look...no..." it's (jasper put his head on the keyboard) all "nice guys finish last" and "i have so many regrets, i cried.." And I can apologize over and fucking over, and now I'm done. I'm done feeling like shit, I'm done worrying about you, done done done. When you can get a grip, text me and we'll hang. But I'm not going to sit here and let you talk to me on your high horse like I'm some bitch who fucked you over. News flash, I had a boyfriend. And news flash, you knew.
I love you, I never lied about that. But it's not some simple hollywood movie where things go okay for the hero in the movie. Things are complicated, and to be honest, I don't know if I CAN be with you, or anyone forever.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Seriously.
I miss you a lot, but not like this.
Jasper...is so cute. I wish Colbie didn't hate him.
-embee
Soooo cute.
Next.
FUCK YOURSELF. FUCKING FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING ASS HOLE. Don't make me out to be the bad guy here, you KNEW I had a boyfriend, I TOLD you OVER AND FUCKING OVER than this wasn't going to work, that Nick and I had an apt, you kept saying it was fine, and then when I say, "look...no..." it's (jasper put his head on the keyboard) all "nice guys finish last" and "i have so many regrets, i cried.." And I can apologize over and fucking over, and now I'm done. I'm done feeling like shit, I'm done worrying about you, done done done. When you can get a grip, text me and we'll hang. But I'm not going to sit here and let you talk to me on your high horse like I'm some bitch who fucked you over. News flash, I had a boyfriend. And news flash, you knew.
I love you, I never lied about that. But it's not some simple hollywood movie where things go okay for the hero in the movie. Things are complicated, and to be honest, I don't know if I CAN be with you, or anyone forever.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Seriously.
I miss you a lot, but not like this.
Jasper...is so cute. I wish Colbie didn't hate him.
-embee
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Crap
Sorry I'm hogging all the blog space Cindy, but I need you to read this for me, and then promptly slap me in the face.
Oh yeah, and then tell me WHAT THE FUCK I NEED TO DO. This is from my night vision vegetable. I know I need to get it off my computer, and I'm deleting it from word (why the fuck would he send it in a word document form?), and I'll delete it from here AFTER YOU READ IT, SMACK ME HARD, AND TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO DO.
Here:
I always told you I’d be straight up with you; tell you everything I’m feeling, because you told me I’m not supposed to get hurt in this. I needed some way to tell you everything I’m feeling at once, something to get this off my chest what I’m thinking about all of this, so here goes. I just feel like you should know, since I can’t see you, this is probably the best way. Sorry if it’s not organized, I tried. Oh…where to begin?
Our time together, although short, has easily been the best time of my life. It all feels like a gift to me, I feel spoiled. Up until 2 weeks ago, I had nothing going for me at all; life was so mundane, boring, and uneventful. And then we planned to get together. I was ecstatic that first night we saw each other again, wondering where things would go. Its like things just clicked though, and I started thinking about how I thought that all should’ve happened all those years ago, like it was overdue. I was infatuated the moment I saw you again, and hooked once we shared that first kiss. I don’t even remember thinking about it before it happened, it just…happened, I couldn’t help it
.I’m always regretful about my past; there are so many things I’d change. So much more I would’ve done so many things I would have said that I didn’t. I wonder all the time what things would be like between us right now. Enough about regrets, I don’t have them anymore; I can’t change what’s done, so why worry about it? I’m focused on making the best of my life for the moment so I can look back on this part of it without regrets. I guess what I’m getting at is, I want you to be part of my life. Is it so selfish to want to be with you all the time? If so, I’m sorry, I can’t help myself, I love that I can talk to you about anything. You’re so much more than just a friend to me.
I really don’t know when I started loving you; it’s so hard to distinguish that line between adoration and love. I guess when I made it a habit of trying to dissect your problems and help you solve them, the same way you did to me. I guess it just grew from there, mutual understanding of each other. I feel like we have such a good understanding of each other, though we don’t know a whole lot at all, like we’ve only scratched the hypothetical surface of each other.
I love and adore the clumsiness that you have, and if you’ve seen anything since you’ve been with me, I’m almost the exact same. Dumping soup on my foot, and almost falling over on the steps, falling into my dresser, its weird in a way, I never saw that stuff before, but I guess it’s obvious about me now.
I love the way that we scold each other too, whenever we’re each loathing ourselves. How you always say I’m beautiful, and I’ll deny it, and then you’ll yell at me, insisting that I am. Or the way that I’ll scold you whenever you try and dump all this on your own shoulders, insisting that I got myself into this. (I did.)
I love that we’re not afraid to say what we need to say to each other, which is why I’m writing all this. I know this is so hard to deal with, so damn hard. I find it so much easier though whenever we just always say to each other, to take it a day at a time. You have the uncanny ability to lighten up any day of mine, no matter how shitty it went, and I try to do the same to you, even if I’m not great at it.
I love the teasing that you throw at me, even if it doesn’t seem like it. You hit it off with anybody I’m close to; throwing gay bashes and jokes at me with James, or with my mom right before you left, talking about how sparkly I’m not and how sun deprived I am. I look back on that stuff from the day and smile, because I only know you’re doing it because you love me, and I love you for it. They both talk so highly of you, too. It’s all true, no matter how self conscious you are about the impression you made on them. They like you a lot, and enjoy having you around, even if you don’t seem to believe it.
I’m sorry if I feel like I’m hanging on too tightly to you. I’ve just never had anything like this before with anyone like you. I don’t think anything could ever be as good as this; the little amount of time together I have had with you. When I’m with you, I feel like I’m invincible, like nothing can bring me down. Everything seems alright, calm, and quiet when I’m in your presence. It’s like everything is all right where it belongs; natural. Without you is when I seem to fall apart. I can’t get my thoughts straight because I just miss being around you, and I guess that’s when it seems like I’m mad at you, because it’s hard for me to say what I mean. That’s why I talk so much more when we’re around each other, I feel at ease, like I can’t say something wrong; it just feels natural talking to you.
I’ve never been able to share things about myself like I have with you. It’s just your presence calms me, relaxes me. Even you noted the change in my tone of voice when we were talking, something I hadn’t realized at all. I think that’s why I don’t mind at all that you sleep whenever you come over, because I know that you don’t feel the guilt of being with me while you’re asleep, even if you’re right next to me.I don’t even get tired of doing the same thing every time we’re together, I’d do whatever you wanted to do, as long as it was with you.
I never get tired of hearing you talk, even though you say all the time that you think you talk too much. I can’t get enough of it. There’s just so many subtle things about you that are endearing to me; like the way you hold onto me when we embrace, the way you let me lay my head on your shoulders. And your kisses; like nothing I’ve ever experienced before, they’re perfect indicators of how you’re feeling towards me. Everything you do makes me smile, something as small as a note that you left makes me smile every time I glance at it
I’m sorry if I ask if something’s wrong, or what’s on your mind so much. It’s just that, I have this impulsive need to fix whatever is bothering you, which was the topic of my second blog I wrote. It was hinting that I’d give up whatever as long as I knew you were happy, if at least for a moment. You renew my faith in God too, you’re like a gift from him. If I ever needed evidence of his existence, I need only look at the time we’ve had.
You mean so much to me, this doesn’t seem sufficient enough to express all of it. If you need more proof of how I feel, I’ll be more than happy to oblige. I’ll always be there for you, Marybeth. Don’t ever, ever, ever forget that. For now, I’ll leave you with a quote from your pale-skinned crush, Edward. “I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore.”
Okay, did you get all t hat Cindy?
Oh yeah, and then tell me WHAT THE FUCK I NEED TO DO. This is from my night vision vegetable. I know I need to get it off my computer, and I'm deleting it from word (why the fuck would he send it in a word document form?), and I'll delete it from here AFTER YOU READ IT, SMACK ME HARD, AND TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO DO.
Here:
I always told you I’d be straight up with you; tell you everything I’m feeling, because you told me I’m not supposed to get hurt in this. I needed some way to tell you everything I’m feeling at once, something to get this off my chest what I’m thinking about all of this, so here goes. I just feel like you should know, since I can’t see you, this is probably the best way. Sorry if it’s not organized, I tried. Oh…where to begin?
Our time together, although short, has easily been the best time of my life. It all feels like a gift to me, I feel spoiled. Up until 2 weeks ago, I had nothing going for me at all; life was so mundane, boring, and uneventful. And then we planned to get together. I was ecstatic that first night we saw each other again, wondering where things would go. Its like things just clicked though, and I started thinking about how I thought that all should’ve happened all those years ago, like it was overdue. I was infatuated the moment I saw you again, and hooked once we shared that first kiss. I don’t even remember thinking about it before it happened, it just…happened, I couldn’t help it
.I’m always regretful about my past; there are so many things I’d change. So much more I would’ve done so many things I would have said that I didn’t. I wonder all the time what things would be like between us right now. Enough about regrets, I don’t have them anymore; I can’t change what’s done, so why worry about it? I’m focused on making the best of my life for the moment so I can look back on this part of it without regrets. I guess what I’m getting at is, I want you to be part of my life. Is it so selfish to want to be with you all the time? If so, I’m sorry, I can’t help myself, I love that I can talk to you about anything. You’re so much more than just a friend to me.
I really don’t know when I started loving you; it’s so hard to distinguish that line between adoration and love. I guess when I made it a habit of trying to dissect your problems and help you solve them, the same way you did to me. I guess it just grew from there, mutual understanding of each other. I feel like we have such a good understanding of each other, though we don’t know a whole lot at all, like we’ve only scratched the hypothetical surface of each other.
I love and adore the clumsiness that you have, and if you’ve seen anything since you’ve been with me, I’m almost the exact same. Dumping soup on my foot, and almost falling over on the steps, falling into my dresser, its weird in a way, I never saw that stuff before, but I guess it’s obvious about me now.
I love the way that we scold each other too, whenever we’re each loathing ourselves. How you always say I’m beautiful, and I’ll deny it, and then you’ll yell at me, insisting that I am. Or the way that I’ll scold you whenever you try and dump all this on your own shoulders, insisting that I got myself into this. (I did.)
I love that we’re not afraid to say what we need to say to each other, which is why I’m writing all this. I know this is so hard to deal with, so damn hard. I find it so much easier though whenever we just always say to each other, to take it a day at a time. You have the uncanny ability to lighten up any day of mine, no matter how shitty it went, and I try to do the same to you, even if I’m not great at it.
I love the teasing that you throw at me, even if it doesn’t seem like it. You hit it off with anybody I’m close to; throwing gay bashes and jokes at me with James, or with my mom right before you left, talking about how sparkly I’m not and how sun deprived I am. I look back on that stuff from the day and smile, because I only know you’re doing it because you love me, and I love you for it. They both talk so highly of you, too. It’s all true, no matter how self conscious you are about the impression you made on them. They like you a lot, and enjoy having you around, even if you don’t seem to believe it.
I’m sorry if I feel like I’m hanging on too tightly to you. I’ve just never had anything like this before with anyone like you. I don’t think anything could ever be as good as this; the little amount of time together I have had with you. When I’m with you, I feel like I’m invincible, like nothing can bring me down. Everything seems alright, calm, and quiet when I’m in your presence. It’s like everything is all right where it belongs; natural. Without you is when I seem to fall apart. I can’t get my thoughts straight because I just miss being around you, and I guess that’s when it seems like I’m mad at you, because it’s hard for me to say what I mean. That’s why I talk so much more when we’re around each other, I feel at ease, like I can’t say something wrong; it just feels natural talking to you.
I’ve never been able to share things about myself like I have with you. It’s just your presence calms me, relaxes me. Even you noted the change in my tone of voice when we were talking, something I hadn’t realized at all. I think that’s why I don’t mind at all that you sleep whenever you come over, because I know that you don’t feel the guilt of being with me while you’re asleep, even if you’re right next to me.I don’t even get tired of doing the same thing every time we’re together, I’d do whatever you wanted to do, as long as it was with you.
I never get tired of hearing you talk, even though you say all the time that you think you talk too much. I can’t get enough of it. There’s just so many subtle things about you that are endearing to me; like the way you hold onto me when we embrace, the way you let me lay my head on your shoulders. And your kisses; like nothing I’ve ever experienced before, they’re perfect indicators of how you’re feeling towards me. Everything you do makes me smile, something as small as a note that you left makes me smile every time I glance at it
I’m sorry if I ask if something’s wrong, or what’s on your mind so much. It’s just that, I have this impulsive need to fix whatever is bothering you, which was the topic of my second blog I wrote. It was hinting that I’d give up whatever as long as I knew you were happy, if at least for a moment. You renew my faith in God too, you’re like a gift from him. If I ever needed evidence of his existence, I need only look at the time we’ve had.
You mean so much to me, this doesn’t seem sufficient enough to express all of it. If you need more proof of how I feel, I’ll be more than happy to oblige. I’ll always be there for you, Marybeth. Don’t ever, ever, ever forget that. For now, I’ll leave you with a quote from your pale-skinned crush, Edward. “I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore.”
Okay, did you get all t hat Cindy?
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
I can't win. Not ever.
You know, I wish someone had written a hand book to a stupid girl who is so incredibly selfish it's almost criminal's life. Then I would have a guide book to tell me what I should do.
On the one hand Nick and I have been so terrible lately that I want to kill myself. No, okay, I take that back, BOTH of them make me want to literally end it all right now. But him and I, we said we'd give it one last shot, and since we're making a real effort to make it work, it's been good. He makes me laugh, he's great, we wandered around a baby store and just had the best time making jokes..
I guess I knew this would happen, that I could never have both.
I wish I could go back, I wish I could take back everything I ever said to all of them, I feel like such a fucking...fuck...
I just, I didn't think into the future. I didn't think of how it would turn out, didn't WANT to think about that, I just wanted to be happy like I figured I could be with him. I figured it would be alright, if he knew I loved him, but you really can't give yourself to more than one person, I don't know how people sleep with multiple people at once.
I hate myself. A lot.
Maybe I'll write the hand book for other people.
Maybe I'll just turn my brain off for a while.
-mb
You know, I wish someone had written a hand book to a stupid girl who is so incredibly selfish it's almost criminal's life. Then I would have a guide book to tell me what I should do.
On the one hand Nick and I have been so terrible lately that I want to kill myself. No, okay, I take that back, BOTH of them make me want to literally end it all right now. But him and I, we said we'd give it one last shot, and since we're making a real effort to make it work, it's been good. He makes me laugh, he's great, we wandered around a baby store and just had the best time making jokes..
I guess I knew this would happen, that I could never have both.
I wish I could go back, I wish I could take back everything I ever said to all of them, I feel like such a fucking...fuck...
I just, I didn't think into the future. I didn't think of how it would turn out, didn't WANT to think about that, I just wanted to be happy like I figured I could be with him. I figured it would be alright, if he knew I loved him, but you really can't give yourself to more than one person, I don't know how people sleep with multiple people at once.
I hate myself. A lot.
Maybe I'll write the hand book for other people.
Maybe I'll just turn my brain off for a while.
-mb
Monday, June 1, 2009
Mmm, allow me to add my own thoughts...
To the rest of you girls who want to be in "true lovez 4eva!!!one!!omg!" with the first guy who tells you you are pretty. You end up in that shitty house with no furniture with a guy who consistently ignores what you want over and over in favor of what he wants. He's not mature enough to realize that a real relationship means he has to choose you over his friends/xbox/beer pong/weed/stripper friend who might be helping him score coke, so he treats you like his mom, talking you into doing his laundry, cooking him meals, and blowing him while your needs go unmet. And sure, you cry in the shower so he won't hear thinking, "but he loves me. Love is hard." and while you think this you are also cheating on him with some dude you met at the Kwik Mart while you were buying lube and rubber gloves and happened to also be into that...
Now, I know you ladies are reading this going "no, that is not true, I never saw him scoring coke...he said he spent that money paying the electic bill...why do we have no lights...?" and you think I am bitter because my boyfriend invited his entire family over and then dumped them on me because he wanted to play with his friends and then I spent forever doing dishes for his family while he played football and his mom couldn't even say good bye or thank you to me BUT THAT IS NOT THE CASE. I'm telling you that you are far better off just having a series of one night stands all through college until eventually one of those boys knocks you up and you marry him so you don't have to be a single mother, have three more with said guy, then divorce him for everything he is worth.
*le sigh*
I'm getting too cynical even for MY own liking. That's a little depressing.
-embee
Now, I know you ladies are reading this going "no, that is not true, I never saw him scoring coke...he said he spent that money paying the electic bill...why do we have no lights...?" and you think I am bitter because my boyfriend invited his entire family over and then dumped them on me because he wanted to play with his friends and then I spent forever doing dishes for his family while he played football and his mom couldn't even say good bye or thank you to me BUT THAT IS NOT THE CASE. I'm telling you that you are far better off just having a series of one night stands all through college until eventually one of those boys knocks you up and you marry him so you don't have to be a single mother, have three more with said guy, then divorce him for everything he is worth.
*le sigh*
I'm getting too cynical even for MY own liking. That's a little depressing.
-embee
To all you highschool girls who just can't wait to live on your own...
It's a fucking piece of strawberry birthday cake, let me tell you... if, that is, you're living on Daddy's cash. If not, however, you are likely to end up like me, sleeping on the most uncomfortable wood floor. No couch. no table. no tv. not even one freaking chair to sit down in, which you don't realize, is really really a problem. I find myself pacing the house not sure what to do while I'm on the phone or just doing "nothing"
Everything costs a bloody fortune. Even walmart brand.
You think it's all fun and games with no rules? Ha. I never get to hang out with my friends or talk on the phone all hours of the night with no permission needed. Why? Because I'm always at bloody work, and secondly because I can't afford to talk on the phone that much and thirdly because I grew out of that kiddie bullshit.
This whole experience is very... starving musician-like.
Everything costs a bloody fortune. Even walmart brand.
You think it's all fun and games with no rules? Ha. I never get to hang out with my friends or talk on the phone all hours of the night with no permission needed. Why? Because I'm always at bloody work, and secondly because I can't afford to talk on the phone that much and thirdly because I grew out of that kiddie bullshit.
This whole experience is very... starving musician-like.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)