First of all, it's 5 bucks.
Second of all, I want to go back to the playground!!
Third of all, why the fuck would I drive four hours to birthday parties of people who would no way in hell drive to mine? Besides the fact that EVERYONE turns fucking 21 this year. I don't see why everyone must act like they are the only one and therefore make it as big of a deal as... Michael Jackson's funeral. lol. idk where that came from. BUT SERIOUSLY! MTV needs to make a show called "My Super-fucking Stupid 21st!"
Fourth of all, I want to hear what happened. Like... yesterday! Why have I not received a detailed play-by-play!?
Monday, August 31, 2009
Sunday, August 30, 2009
DONT SAY I DIDNT WARN YOU!
...just trying to be a good best friend and save you ten bucks.
Soo...Nick bailed on me tonight for a potluck (a party, don't let his jargon fool you) at a friends house. He says he'll make it up to me, but his wiener is not a good enough "make up", even though I know that's what he has in mind.
Dennis called me (his real name is Todd. Weird) tonight at seven asking me why I left him three urgent voice mails and I asked where he was, he said his apt, and then I promptly got on 70 and drove down to UMSL (he lives right next to campus) and we went to Seckman and Mastadon. I've been too afraid to go back to these places, but he bought me ice cream and that made me less nervous. When I stepped onto the elem playground I thought I would be sick for a second, but he said the funniest thing I had ever heard. He was pretending to be retarded when he said this, "I'm going to go to the movies, take out my junk and someone is going to get pregnant!"
I laughed so hard ice cream came out of my nose, no joke. He was talking about how if he went back to high school he'd use that line on girls and he would be a better hit with the ladies.
We went to the soccer field and he spun me around until I fell back with my usual grace and landed hard on my back and he landed about twenty feet away laughing.
It was nice. We talked about everything, and it felt good to be there with a good memory, although we probably won't go back, it's so damn far!
I have monday and tuesday off from work, i'm v. excited. so excited ive stopped using punctuation. hmmm.
popsicles are the best. ive been running so hard at the gym lately my legs are very angry with me. they should be in better shape, though they look awesome. stress is doing my body good.
see, i get stressed and then go to the gym for several hours until im so tired i promptly sleep for nine hours, and wake up happy and refreshed, ready to do it all over again.
i think i must be insane to pick this major. at least ill always have a job.
still, something easier...like fucking bum...that would have been good. maybe i could move in with my mom and mooch off all my friends.
sorry. that was a bit bitter. you know. im still better than them.
are you going to anyone's b-day part, cindy? I doubt I can, I can't really afford it, and plus I'll have to see Finan and what not, and I'm sure none of us can be civil. I know I can't. Why should I suck up to them? Exactly.
I am going to Shannon's though.
I am like the only person who doesn't need a national holiday made out of their b-day. Wonder what that's about. Must be my ego, it's not quite as large as eight busses.
Oops. I'm being mean again.
Okay, book time
Nick is reading a book. Can you believe it? Me either? I keep joking that I didn't know he could read.
-mb
...just trying to be a good best friend and save you ten bucks.
Soo...Nick bailed on me tonight for a potluck (a party, don't let his jargon fool you) at a friends house. He says he'll make it up to me, but his wiener is not a good enough "make up", even though I know that's what he has in mind.
Dennis called me (his real name is Todd. Weird) tonight at seven asking me why I left him three urgent voice mails and I asked where he was, he said his apt, and then I promptly got on 70 and drove down to UMSL (he lives right next to campus) and we went to Seckman and Mastadon. I've been too afraid to go back to these places, but he bought me ice cream and that made me less nervous. When I stepped onto the elem playground I thought I would be sick for a second, but he said the funniest thing I had ever heard. He was pretending to be retarded when he said this, "I'm going to go to the movies, take out my junk and someone is going to get pregnant!"
I laughed so hard ice cream came out of my nose, no joke. He was talking about how if he went back to high school he'd use that line on girls and he would be a better hit with the ladies.
We went to the soccer field and he spun me around until I fell back with my usual grace and landed hard on my back and he landed about twenty feet away laughing.
It was nice. We talked about everything, and it felt good to be there with a good memory, although we probably won't go back, it's so damn far!
I have monday and tuesday off from work, i'm v. excited. so excited ive stopped using punctuation. hmmm.
popsicles are the best. ive been running so hard at the gym lately my legs are very angry with me. they should be in better shape, though they look awesome. stress is doing my body good.
see, i get stressed and then go to the gym for several hours until im so tired i promptly sleep for nine hours, and wake up happy and refreshed, ready to do it all over again.
i think i must be insane to pick this major. at least ill always have a job.
still, something easier...like fucking bum...that would have been good. maybe i could move in with my mom and mooch off all my friends.
sorry. that was a bit bitter. you know. im still better than them.
are you going to anyone's b-day part, cindy? I doubt I can, I can't really afford it, and plus I'll have to see Finan and what not, and I'm sure none of us can be civil. I know I can't. Why should I suck up to them? Exactly.
I am going to Shannon's though.
I am like the only person who doesn't need a national holiday made out of their b-day. Wonder what that's about. Must be my ego, it's not quite as large as eight busses.
Oops. I'm being mean again.
Okay, book time
Nick is reading a book. Can you believe it? Me either? I keep joking that I didn't know he could read.
-mb
Saturday, August 29, 2009
DONT SEE FINAL DESTINATION 4. IT WAS CRAP!
Seriously. Rodney and I went to see it last night in non-three d (three d was sold out :( ) and half way though it I poked him in the shoulder and said, "SERIOUSLY?!"
I laughed more than I was afraid. They tried to make it more gruesome, but the guts and gore looked reaaaaaaaaally fake.
I'm so tired, but so comfy in my new pj pants.
Mmm.
Nursing majors are the best majors (not to mention the best looking majors...awwwww yeah!)
-marybethhellyeah!
Seriously. Rodney and I went to see it last night in non-three d (three d was sold out :( ) and half way though it I poked him in the shoulder and said, "SERIOUSLY?!"
I laughed more than I was afraid. They tried to make it more gruesome, but the guts and gore looked reaaaaaaaaally fake.
I'm so tired, but so comfy in my new pj pants.
Mmm.
Nursing majors are the best majors (not to mention the best looking majors...awwwww yeah!)
-marybethhellyeah!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
mmm... first day of classes. Had to get up at 6:30 AM!!! That... is going to take some getting used to. It's like High School all over again. lol. Have a 10:30 class with William and Meggie (this awesome girl I work with), and then choir, and then work. I'm really going to hate working and taking classes. I already see the problems it will cause. Anyway, 9:30 class tomorrow then another at 10:30, and 12:30 and then working 2pm-10pm. ugh.
Not to my surprise I already have homework and a test next week.
Heather switched to a nursing major this year from psychology. I think MB and her may have more in common than I first realized. Very shocked that her and Jason broke up.
We have internet now, at long last, so that's a plus.
I'm very tired.
I'll write something more interesting later. Ciao!
PS MISS YOU!
Not to my surprise I already have homework and a test next week.
Heather switched to a nursing major this year from psychology. I think MB and her may have more in common than I first realized. Very shocked that her and Jason broke up.
We have internet now, at long last, so that's a plus.
I'm very tired.
I'll write something more interesting later. Ciao!
PS MISS YOU!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
I would like to take this next moment to be completely honest, with myself. I lie best to myself, it's a special talent you get when you have enough stuff happen, it makes it okay if you lie to yourself enough and say that.
Really, it's not, and deep down you know it. And I know it. I can pretend all I like, and I still will, I don't know how to be any different, and I don't want to be any different. I don't want people to try and break it down or try and make it better. I don't need you for that, I like who I am. You walk through my life and tell me how you come out. I don't think anyone can do it better than me, it's my life after all. I don't have to be your pretty princess, or good enough for you. I'm me, and most of the people I've ever met seem to think I'm just fine the way I am.
I said I didn't know why I loved the people I loved the most, but I do, and that's why. Nick, Cindy, Rodney, Dennis, four people I don't know how I ever got along without, are people who know what's wrong and don't mind. Those are rare people. I can't be good enough for you, and I'm tired of sitting here wishing I had tried to be better for you. I was the best you will ever have, and not the other way around. You told me what you wanted, and I jumped through hoops to give it to you, and you threw it away for a game. I've missed you and wished to have you, and I feel like I'm in a good spot to forget you now. I don't hope you want me forever, I hope you've gotten over it completely, it's all I wanted for you in the end. I just want you to admit, deep down to yourself, that you can't ever do better, no matter who you are with, she'll never be.
I am better than you.
Dennis and I went down to the flood wall and graffitied, I still have paint on my hands. I told him all the g stuff, and he laughed. Like, hardcore laughed, it made it seem funny to me, I was being really honest with him about it, and he was laughing. Then he said, "Damn. I don't think I'll ever be able to top Garrett," and went back to his drawing. He put it in perspective after that. He said he thought I was beautiful and smart, and he didn't understand why I would waste my time missing someone who could walk away so easily and not look back.
And honestly, if I had stayed broken up with Nick and dated Garrett, I would have loser friends who don't really like me and I would not have Dennis. And I would trade all of those redneck motherfucker piece of shit worthless stupid going nowhere with their lives douche bags ever day for the rest of my life just to have Dennis. I would trade like, eight people who have known me for years for one person who I met several months ago and still knows me better than any of them.
It feels good, like really good, to know if you call someone and say something, they really care. Makes me remember Loren, and how he barely knew me, and vice versa, but was so good, and Finan has known me for too long and is such a doucher.
So, seriously, when I say no more, I mean, no more. No more Garrett, not now, not ever, I don't miss him, I don't love him. He was a hologram , but Dennis is the real thing, he is what an actual male best friend should be, and that is not jealous and manipulative. It's an engineering major at UMSL who is actually nerdy and not fake nerdy, and can spray paint the fuck out of a side wall.
Hm.
I painted pretty pink flowers and detailed diagrams of cells. Dennis thinks we should teach the degenerates through spray paint, he will teach them math and I will teach them science, fuck that other stuff. He painted an equation and I was laughing, wondering if someone would solve it, which he claimed he would love forever.
Mmm. Helping Rodney pick out pants this week! I'm excited for that, his outfits are so...eclectic at best.
Terrible, in all honesty. Like he dresses in the dark.
I tease him about it a lot. And he teases me for being so...ignorant in the ways of slang. It's bad. Kinda funny, but mostly bad.
Gym time in a bit, gotta hulu my show first. It's nice to have a day off to fuck around and do shit. I enjoy those, so rare.
-marybeth
p.s. as soon as i figure out how to get the pictures off my phone I will post my pretty flower and Dennis' awesome...whatever they call it.
Really, it's not, and deep down you know it. And I know it. I can pretend all I like, and I still will, I don't know how to be any different, and I don't want to be any different. I don't want people to try and break it down or try and make it better. I don't need you for that, I like who I am. You walk through my life and tell me how you come out. I don't think anyone can do it better than me, it's my life after all. I don't have to be your pretty princess, or good enough for you. I'm me, and most of the people I've ever met seem to think I'm just fine the way I am.
I said I didn't know why I loved the people I loved the most, but I do, and that's why. Nick, Cindy, Rodney, Dennis, four people I don't know how I ever got along without, are people who know what's wrong and don't mind. Those are rare people. I can't be good enough for you, and I'm tired of sitting here wishing I had tried to be better for you. I was the best you will ever have, and not the other way around. You told me what you wanted, and I jumped through hoops to give it to you, and you threw it away for a game. I've missed you and wished to have you, and I feel like I'm in a good spot to forget you now. I don't hope you want me forever, I hope you've gotten over it completely, it's all I wanted for you in the end. I just want you to admit, deep down to yourself, that you can't ever do better, no matter who you are with, she'll never be.
I am better than you.
Dennis and I went down to the flood wall and graffitied, I still have paint on my hands. I told him all the g stuff, and he laughed. Like, hardcore laughed, it made it seem funny to me, I was being really honest with him about it, and he was laughing. Then he said, "Damn. I don't think I'll ever be able to top Garrett," and went back to his drawing. He put it in perspective after that. He said he thought I was beautiful and smart, and he didn't understand why I would waste my time missing someone who could walk away so easily and not look back.
And honestly, if I had stayed broken up with Nick and dated Garrett, I would have loser friends who don't really like me and I would not have Dennis. And I would trade all of those redneck motherfucker piece of shit worthless stupid going nowhere with their lives douche bags ever day for the rest of my life just to have Dennis. I would trade like, eight people who have known me for years for one person who I met several months ago and still knows me better than any of them.
It feels good, like really good, to know if you call someone and say something, they really care. Makes me remember Loren, and how he barely knew me, and vice versa, but was so good, and Finan has known me for too long and is such a doucher.
So, seriously, when I say no more, I mean, no more. No more Garrett, not now, not ever, I don't miss him, I don't love him. He was a hologram , but Dennis is the real thing, he is what an actual male best friend should be, and that is not jealous and manipulative. It's an engineering major at UMSL who is actually nerdy and not fake nerdy, and can spray paint the fuck out of a side wall.
Hm.
I painted pretty pink flowers and detailed diagrams of cells. Dennis thinks we should teach the degenerates through spray paint, he will teach them math and I will teach them science, fuck that other stuff. He painted an equation and I was laughing, wondering if someone would solve it, which he claimed he would love forever.
Mmm. Helping Rodney pick out pants this week! I'm excited for that, his outfits are so...eclectic at best.
Terrible, in all honesty. Like he dresses in the dark.
I tease him about it a lot. And he teases me for being so...ignorant in the ways of slang. It's bad. Kinda funny, but mostly bad.
Gym time in a bit, gotta hulu my show first. It's nice to have a day off to fuck around and do shit. I enjoy those, so rare.
-marybeth
p.s. as soon as i figure out how to get the pictures off my phone I will post my pretty flower and Dennis' awesome...whatever they call it.
I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive...
...now I only waste it dreaming of you...
I rented Hannah Montana but haven't gotten to watch it yet. Nick is too busy watching Munich *yawn*.
So Friday I went to see HBP with Rodney. We'd been trying to see it together for several weeks but things kept popping up, so Friday it finally happened! He brought Mark. If Rodney is the older brother, then Mark is the awesome uncle. I had a blast. Halfway through the movie I whispered to Rodney that I thought Luna was the perfect girl for him.
He doesn't talk AT ALL during movies.
Also, is it just me or does 9 look fucking awesome?!
Okay, so today I'm at work texting away, and Rodney sends me a text saying, "If you were a HP character, you'd be Luna Lovegood hands down."
I was flattered and replied back, "A cute blonde?"
He reminded me of what I said to him in the movie, and it reminded me of the blog where I sited him as my possible soul mate.
I'm not interested, but it was interesting his thoughts were going somewhere similar. He's been with his GF for almost nine years.
Game night was tonight, I left early (like one thirty, if that counts). Had the best time, Chris and I set a bell boys body on fire with lubricant and complementary bottles of alcohol and then pretended to be CSI: St. Louis, and I masturbated a lot.
In the game, of course. Not in real life (although the CSI part is probably pretty likely).
Dennis came home a day early and didn't tell me, I was kind of upset! He called me in the middle of the game to tell me, and also inform me that he was going to hang with other people.
So when I left I called him back and asked if he wanted to do something tomorrow and we agreed to go spray painting at this one place where it is legal. I'm totally excited because I've never done it before, so it will be a fun experience for me. I'm sure I will take pictures.
Also, I'm going to ask him if he wants to go with me to get my tat. I told you what I was getting, right, Colbie's paw print on my shoulder (maybe, I haven't really decided, I just need it somewhere you can't see it, for my future job and all.). I'm going to ask him if he wants to make molds of her paws to see what comes out. Nick thinks we should cover her in paint and let her walk on paper and then I can pick out which paw print I like the best, but I don't think she will let me do that.
Making a mold seems easier and less messy, Colbie is a clumsy animal.
Like mommy like puppy.
I would also like to point out that I make them good girls go bad, and if you think any differently, you are only kidding yourself. That includes you, Cobra Starship.
I feel really good. Disregard that last emo blog, it was gay.
This is better. I feel better being with my friends.
-marybethizzle
I rented Hannah Montana but haven't gotten to watch it yet. Nick is too busy watching Munich *yawn*.
So Friday I went to see HBP with Rodney. We'd been trying to see it together for several weeks but things kept popping up, so Friday it finally happened! He brought Mark. If Rodney is the older brother, then Mark is the awesome uncle. I had a blast. Halfway through the movie I whispered to Rodney that I thought Luna was the perfect girl for him.
He doesn't talk AT ALL during movies.
Also, is it just me or does 9 look fucking awesome?!
Okay, so today I'm at work texting away, and Rodney sends me a text saying, "If you were a HP character, you'd be Luna Lovegood hands down."
I was flattered and replied back, "A cute blonde?"
He reminded me of what I said to him in the movie, and it reminded me of the blog where I sited him as my possible soul mate.
I'm not interested, but it was interesting his thoughts were going somewhere similar. He's been with his GF for almost nine years.
Game night was tonight, I left early (like one thirty, if that counts). Had the best time, Chris and I set a bell boys body on fire with lubricant and complementary bottles of alcohol and then pretended to be CSI: St. Louis, and I masturbated a lot.
In the game, of course. Not in real life (although the CSI part is probably pretty likely).
Dennis came home a day early and didn't tell me, I was kind of upset! He called me in the middle of the game to tell me, and also inform me that he was going to hang with other people.
So when I left I called him back and asked if he wanted to do something tomorrow and we agreed to go spray painting at this one place where it is legal. I'm totally excited because I've never done it before, so it will be a fun experience for me. I'm sure I will take pictures.
Also, I'm going to ask him if he wants to go with me to get my tat. I told you what I was getting, right, Colbie's paw print on my shoulder (maybe, I haven't really decided, I just need it somewhere you can't see it, for my future job and all.). I'm going to ask him if he wants to make molds of her paws to see what comes out. Nick thinks we should cover her in paint and let her walk on paper and then I can pick out which paw print I like the best, but I don't think she will let me do that.
Making a mold seems easier and less messy, Colbie is a clumsy animal.
Like mommy like puppy.
I would also like to point out that I make them good girls go bad, and if you think any differently, you are only kidding yourself. That includes you, Cobra Starship.
I feel really good. Disregard that last emo blog, it was gay.
This is better. I feel better being with my friends.
-marybethizzle
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Often I wonder about the people I love the most, and why, and a lot of the time I come up with nothing.
I've been spending a lot of time with Rodney, talking and watching movies, and I trust Rodney with my life. I told him he is the only person I have ever really been one hundred percent with, meaning, you know, I tell him everything. EVERYTHING. Things I don't tell Nick, or Cindy, or even admit to myself. I can't figure out why, maybe it's the lure of his dark skin, or I feel safe, I'm not sure, because I never notice myself doing it. It just happens, suddenly I'm blurting out all my deepest, innermost, self conscious, loathing, embarrassing thoughts, and what not.
I've been living inside my head a lot lately, I'm not sure why. I've reverted back to old ways, no crying, no sadness, no telling anyone what's wrong, just all i'm fines, all the time. I guess some habits take more than a boy with pretty eyes to break, although I know everyone likes to think one person can fix every problem about them. I wish that were true. My person is probably Rodney, and I find him far from a soul mate. More like an older brother who threatened to beat up Travis for calling me stupid.
I will never understand the obsession we have with finding the perfect person, especially when we are young. Is it because we're afraid we might never have the chance again? Or does it run deeper than that? Is it an actual longing to find one person who completes everything about you?
I, personally, do not think such a person exists. Like I said, mine is probably Rodney. I used to think it was G, and I don't think he will ever realize how close he came to getting me to leave Nick. Like, within millimeters. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had. I wish we had stayed friends, I wish it bad all the time, and I wonder if he really has just gotten over it like it seems. I don't look at any of his stuff, and I deleted all his numbers because I'm too tempted to beg for him to forgive me, and honestly, I don't think I need to be forgiven. I'm not saying he does either, we both did what he thought was right, nothing can change that now. Some things just hurt, and take time to get over, and it helps when you have someone like Rodney telling you that, if they/he really loved you/me, it wouldn't have been so easy to make him hate me. If it was the epic, soul defining love he claimed, nothing would have mattered, he would have waited, I would have left Nick, no matter how ugly we were to each other it would have worked.
I need to stop obsession over it. I'm glad I stayed with Nick. When I met Nick, it felt like I had known him forever, or at least, had been looking for him specifically forever, and now that I found him everything was right. I wish I could take back that awful month where I was the biggest bitch any girl could ever be to someone they claim to love. I can't believe he stayed, I said awful things, things I never dreamed I would be capable of saying...
I wish I could be two people, really. It doesn't matter anymore. Seriously. I don't mope about this all day, just sometimes you get that feeling of sadness, it's like a wave, something triggers a memory, and you find yourself wrapped up, missing things about them. Nothing really changed, but now I don't listen to Killswitch. The idea makes me sick and angry, and they weren't really that good of a band to begin with, although I did sing that song in rock band the other night. But I didn't enjoy it.
Colbie and I are still up. Nick bought me a blender, so I make fruit smoothies daily now. A belgian waffle maker would make my life complete.
And a toaster too, I guess.
Movie with Rodney tomorrow, and maybe some bowling with Nick. I don't really like bowling, I think his sister and fiance is going and thats why he wants to...ugh.
Game night Sat, and Sunday Dennis comes home.
I'm feeling more cheerful already!
-marybeth
I've been spending a lot of time with Rodney, talking and watching movies, and I trust Rodney with my life. I told him he is the only person I have ever really been one hundred percent with, meaning, you know, I tell him everything. EVERYTHING. Things I don't tell Nick, or Cindy, or even admit to myself. I can't figure out why, maybe it's the lure of his dark skin, or I feel safe, I'm not sure, because I never notice myself doing it. It just happens, suddenly I'm blurting out all my deepest, innermost, self conscious, loathing, embarrassing thoughts, and what not.
I've been living inside my head a lot lately, I'm not sure why. I've reverted back to old ways, no crying, no sadness, no telling anyone what's wrong, just all i'm fines, all the time. I guess some habits take more than a boy with pretty eyes to break, although I know everyone likes to think one person can fix every problem about them. I wish that were true. My person is probably Rodney, and I find him far from a soul mate. More like an older brother who threatened to beat up Travis for calling me stupid.
I will never understand the obsession we have with finding the perfect person, especially when we are young. Is it because we're afraid we might never have the chance again? Or does it run deeper than that? Is it an actual longing to find one person who completes everything about you?
I, personally, do not think such a person exists. Like I said, mine is probably Rodney. I used to think it was G, and I don't think he will ever realize how close he came to getting me to leave Nick. Like, within millimeters. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had. I wish we had stayed friends, I wish it bad all the time, and I wonder if he really has just gotten over it like it seems. I don't look at any of his stuff, and I deleted all his numbers because I'm too tempted to beg for him to forgive me, and honestly, I don't think I need to be forgiven. I'm not saying he does either, we both did what he thought was right, nothing can change that now. Some things just hurt, and take time to get over, and it helps when you have someone like Rodney telling you that, if they/he really loved you/me, it wouldn't have been so easy to make him hate me. If it was the epic, soul defining love he claimed, nothing would have mattered, he would have waited, I would have left Nick, no matter how ugly we were to each other it would have worked.
I need to stop obsession over it. I'm glad I stayed with Nick. When I met Nick, it felt like I had known him forever, or at least, had been looking for him specifically forever, and now that I found him everything was right. I wish I could take back that awful month where I was the biggest bitch any girl could ever be to someone they claim to love. I can't believe he stayed, I said awful things, things I never dreamed I would be capable of saying...
I wish I could be two people, really. It doesn't matter anymore. Seriously. I don't mope about this all day, just sometimes you get that feeling of sadness, it's like a wave, something triggers a memory, and you find yourself wrapped up, missing things about them. Nothing really changed, but now I don't listen to Killswitch. The idea makes me sick and angry, and they weren't really that good of a band to begin with, although I did sing that song in rock band the other night. But I didn't enjoy it.
Colbie and I are still up. Nick bought me a blender, so I make fruit smoothies daily now. A belgian waffle maker would make my life complete.
And a toaster too, I guess.
Movie with Rodney tomorrow, and maybe some bowling with Nick. I don't really like bowling, I think his sister and fiance is going and thats why he wants to...ugh.
Game night Sat, and Sunday Dennis comes home.
I'm feeling more cheerful already!
-marybeth
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
I thought you guys hated Nicole? I'm confused, you should re-explain this to me.
Also, I know Phil doesn't like hearing it, but he reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllyyyyyy needs some professional help. Like, bad. I can't understand why he wouldn't want it, does he like being unhappy?
Meh, it's moot I guess..
I have nothing to blog about. My life has become boring as of late. School work school work blah. Some nights I watch movies with Rodney and talk. Dennis is in Florida, so I miss him. Cody's girlfriend is trying to get to know me, but I don't think she likes me still.
Bah.
I wish this song had been around sometime in May.
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die...
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop...
I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go
I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone
Ahhhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Ahhhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye...
I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on,
So I'm already gone
Still bored...bskhfskyfisjf;slhfosj!
-marybeth
Also, I know Phil doesn't like hearing it, but he reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllyyyyyy needs some professional help. Like, bad. I can't understand why he wouldn't want it, does he like being unhappy?
Meh, it's moot I guess..
I have nothing to blog about. My life has become boring as of late. School work school work blah. Some nights I watch movies with Rodney and talk. Dennis is in Florida, so I miss him. Cody's girlfriend is trying to get to know me, but I don't think she likes me still.
Bah.
I wish this song had been around sometime in May.
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would have worked out right, yeah
We were never meant for do or die...
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hurt you now I can't stop...
I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you wanna cry
It started with the perfect kiss then
We could feel the poison set in
"Perfect" couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so
I love you enough to let you go
I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone
Ahhhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Ahhhh already gone, already gone, already gone
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye...
I want you to know
It doesn't matter where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on,
So I'm already gone
Still bored...bskhfskyfisjf;slhfosj!
-marybeth
Sunday, August 16, 2009
In Albany, abusing internet...
So, not much new, or interesting in my life I suppose. Clayton and Cindy may have broken up last night, which would be a bummer because I really like her.
We saw Chicago last night, which was awesome, but it rained all night so we wore these KKK-looking ponchos. I got really freaking wet, and William stayed perfectly dry, which we found out later was because my poncho was on inside out...
Walmart is retarded... or at least the customers are.
Me: How would you like that sliced?
Them: uhhhh... Deli slices I guess.
Me (thinking): You're in a gd deli... everything is a deli slice.
or my favorite is when the come up with a whole ham they picked up in the store and hand it to me. "Can you slice this on the thinest setting you have?" and I'm like, "Yeah, sure and I'll throw in my arm for free as it will have fallen off by the time I get that whole thing sliced." but what I really say is "The thinest setting will just shave this into tiny bits and it will look like dog food" and they usually get snappy at this point, "That's what I want!" so I cut it and they go back to their shopping and they come back in about 5 minutes and wonder why I'm not done yet... then I get the whole thing done and they come back and around half of them are like "I'm supposed to eat this? It's a pile of mush" and then most of them will refuse it and insist I cut another one, and a couple times I've been daring enough to say no, but Walmart is all about Customer service which is a load of shit and I hate it.
William and his mom are cooking lunch currently. Some kind of chicken. He's been really great all weekend. No WoW, and he's been really sweet. Details if you want them will have to be in text form, because I'm not lame enough to ramble on and on here. Ok, I probably am, but for once, I won't.
Back to the ville around 3 *sigh* I hate having only one person in town, and that person being Phil, whom I can only take so much of. He's a nice guy, but he's getting more and more emo the more I hang out with him.
The people I work with are at least fun, well most of them, and the ones that aren't we just bitch about when they aren't there. lol. It's good bonding I think.
That's all I got right now. Roomies are moving in soon, kind of bummed/kind of psyched.
We saw Chicago last night, which was awesome, but it rained all night so we wore these KKK-looking ponchos. I got really freaking wet, and William stayed perfectly dry, which we found out later was because my poncho was on inside out...
Walmart is retarded... or at least the customers are.
Me: How would you like that sliced?
Them: uhhhh... Deli slices I guess.
Me (thinking): You're in a gd deli... everything is a deli slice.
or my favorite is when the come up with a whole ham they picked up in the store and hand it to me. "Can you slice this on the thinest setting you have?" and I'm like, "Yeah, sure and I'll throw in my arm for free as it will have fallen off by the time I get that whole thing sliced." but what I really say is "The thinest setting will just shave this into tiny bits and it will look like dog food" and they usually get snappy at this point, "That's what I want!" so I cut it and they go back to their shopping and they come back in about 5 minutes and wonder why I'm not done yet... then I get the whole thing done and they come back and around half of them are like "I'm supposed to eat this? It's a pile of mush" and then most of them will refuse it and insist I cut another one, and a couple times I've been daring enough to say no, but Walmart is all about Customer service which is a load of shit and I hate it.
William and his mom are cooking lunch currently. Some kind of chicken. He's been really great all weekend. No WoW, and he's been really sweet. Details if you want them will have to be in text form, because I'm not lame enough to ramble on and on here. Ok, I probably am, but for once, I won't.
Back to the ville around 3 *sigh* I hate having only one person in town, and that person being Phil, whom I can only take so much of. He's a nice guy, but he's getting more and more emo the more I hang out with him.
The people I work with are at least fun, well most of them, and the ones that aren't we just bitch about when they aren't there. lol. It's good bonding I think.
That's all I got right now. Roomies are moving in soon, kind of bummed/kind of psyched.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
No one runs faster than you...
Okay, so awesome, Dennis and I talked about Nick and what not today. I tend to keep me and Nick intensely private, but Dennis and Nick have known each other since they were kids, so no worries. Dennis told me he thought Nick was one of the better dudes he had ever met, which meant a lot to me, because Dennis is my favorite person up here, and I don't want another Garrett on my hands.
Besides, Dennis understands my insane love for Gogel Bordello. He was asking me if I liked The Offspring, and after I finished puking, he said he liked punk rock, what with its screaming guitars and emotional lyrics, and I said if he liked punk he should listen to Gogel Bordello....and his whole body convulsed. It was beautiful, I may have proposed marriage at one point, I can't be certain.
I got him into Amon Amarth, which is viking metal and very good. I recommend them to anyone who doesn't count The Offspring among their favorite bands, or want Three Days Grace to play a concert in their city OMFG kill me.
I like Dennis so much, other than the fact that he is intensely nerdy (engineering major), or an honestly good person, is that he totally gets everything about me. I don't talk about my relationship with Nick ever? Awesome, forget it. I burst out screaming at ten in the morning at the douche bag who woke me up, he thinks it's fucking funny. Just..I dunno.
...no I don't want to think of you anymore...
I got him the best house warming gift. He sent me a text asking if I would be his Maid Of Honor in his wedding to his futon, which is apparently this epic futon. He's moving into an apt somewhere around UMSL this month, so I got him a fleecey hard core metal blanket (its actually just a fleecey blanket, I threw the other stuff in to make it sound more bad ass.). He thinks I'm getting him something to do with his crock pot. HAH. No.
I need to blog about something else, but nothing else really fantastic has been going on. I feel so lucky to have everything working out for me right now. Even my job, did I mention I got a raise?
I did.
Now I'm distracted by Coheed and Dennis trying to figure out how to make meth in his new apt.
-mb
Besides, Dennis understands my insane love for Gogel Bordello. He was asking me if I liked The Offspring, and after I finished puking, he said he liked punk rock, what with its screaming guitars and emotional lyrics, and I said if he liked punk he should listen to Gogel Bordello....and his whole body convulsed. It was beautiful, I may have proposed marriage at one point, I can't be certain.
I got him into Amon Amarth, which is viking metal and very good. I recommend them to anyone who doesn't count The Offspring among their favorite bands, or want Three Days Grace to play a concert in their city OMFG kill me.
I like Dennis so much, other than the fact that he is intensely nerdy (engineering major), or an honestly good person, is that he totally gets everything about me. I don't talk about my relationship with Nick ever? Awesome, forget it. I burst out screaming at ten in the morning at the douche bag who woke me up, he thinks it's fucking funny. Just..I dunno.
...no I don't want to think of you anymore...
I got him the best house warming gift. He sent me a text asking if I would be his Maid Of Honor in his wedding to his futon, which is apparently this epic futon. He's moving into an apt somewhere around UMSL this month, so I got him a fleecey hard core metal blanket (its actually just a fleecey blanket, I threw the other stuff in to make it sound more bad ass.). He thinks I'm getting him something to do with his crock pot. HAH. No.
I need to blog about something else, but nothing else really fantastic has been going on. I feel so lucky to have everything working out for me right now. Even my job, did I mention I got a raise?
I did.
Now I'm distracted by Coheed and Dennis trying to figure out how to make meth in his new apt.
-mb
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
You're a selffish little whore..
...if I had my way I'd crush your face in the door...
I've been extra obsessed with Coheed and Cambria lately. Not sure what that's about.
So my internet is back, thank the baby Jesus! Three days without it and I become more productive than I ever thought possible.
A lot has happened but I don't feel like typing any of it.
Okay, a little.
One, I found my awesome flowered headband and wore it to work today and received many compliments on it.
Two, I am still better than everyone I knew in highschool minus Cindy. It's even there.
Dennis is like, my best friend. I'm trying to be careful not to tread that fine line, but he told me today I was his muse, and that's upsetting. I mean, it's cool, but I'd like a friend who is clear on where we stand. I'm too bat shit scared to say anything to him about it, because I'm a pussy. We're going to Culpeppers Friday, I'm going to lay the shit down there and be like, "Hey, I know I'm like, super fucking hot, but we are only friends."
I like that he buys me drinks when we go out though. Hope he keeps doing that.
Cody and Rodney and I have been awesomeing it up lately. We had lunch together and saw some movies and talked about Cannibal Holocaust (DONT WATCH IT!), and I'm pretty sure we're going to the zoo soon.
Woot!
I had a dream that Nick and I had a baby and then Nick died. I woke up all freaked out in the middle of the night and told him not to die. He said, "you don't die, either," all sleepy and sweet like and then held my hand. I feel back asleep and had more ridiculous dreams of Bob as my dad.
I think I had that dream because Nick and I picked out baby names the other night. I love when he brings up things like that, makes it better. I liked the name Arabella, but he has his heart set on Isabella (I know, right?!), so we have Isabella and David. I love the names so much.
Things like that make me feel warm inside. Warmer than usual, but not like I have a fever.
Mmm, so my paper is coming along nicely, if you are interested, Cindy. agoraphobia is a very serious phobia. All I know is that all the sources I've looked up, and people I've talked to agree that sufferers don't venture out into new spaces. It has something to do with a feeling of not being able to escape. They can, but it's accompanied by a panic attack, and is not just anxiety. I dunno. I won't bore you with the specs. But if you want to read it I can e-mail it to you.
I wish I had gotten Hematophobia- the fear of blood.
Don't ask why, it's just the one I wanted.
Anyway. Peace
-mb
I've been extra obsessed with Coheed and Cambria lately. Not sure what that's about.
So my internet is back, thank the baby Jesus! Three days without it and I become more productive than I ever thought possible.
A lot has happened but I don't feel like typing any of it.
Okay, a little.
One, I found my awesome flowered headband and wore it to work today and received many compliments on it.
Two, I am still better than everyone I knew in highschool minus Cindy. It's even there.
Dennis is like, my best friend. I'm trying to be careful not to tread that fine line, but he told me today I was his muse, and that's upsetting. I mean, it's cool, but I'd like a friend who is clear on where we stand. I'm too bat shit scared to say anything to him about it, because I'm a pussy. We're going to Culpeppers Friday, I'm going to lay the shit down there and be like, "Hey, I know I'm like, super fucking hot, but we are only friends."
I like that he buys me drinks when we go out though. Hope he keeps doing that.
Cody and Rodney and I have been awesomeing it up lately. We had lunch together and saw some movies and talked about Cannibal Holocaust (DONT WATCH IT!), and I'm pretty sure we're going to the zoo soon.
Woot!
I had a dream that Nick and I had a baby and then Nick died. I woke up all freaked out in the middle of the night and told him not to die. He said, "you don't die, either," all sleepy and sweet like and then held my hand. I feel back asleep and had more ridiculous dreams of Bob as my dad.
I think I had that dream because Nick and I picked out baby names the other night. I love when he brings up things like that, makes it better. I liked the name Arabella, but he has his heart set on Isabella (I know, right?!), so we have Isabella and David. I love the names so much.
Things like that make me feel warm inside. Warmer than usual, but not like I have a fever.
Mmm, so my paper is coming along nicely, if you are interested, Cindy. agoraphobia is a very serious phobia. All I know is that all the sources I've looked up, and people I've talked to agree that sufferers don't venture out into new spaces. It has something to do with a feeling of not being able to escape. They can, but it's accompanied by a panic attack, and is not just anxiety. I dunno. I won't bore you with the specs. But if you want to read it I can e-mail it to you.
I wish I had gotten Hematophobia- the fear of blood.
Don't ask why, it's just the one I wanted.
Anyway. Peace
-mb
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
I remember you
...you took the easy way out when I gave you something to stand for.
Interesting things that have happened recently.
*Someone coming back into work who had previously been through my line to ask for my gamer tag. We had been talking about nazi zombies. Must be the nerds way of asking for a phone number, but it was cute, all the same.
*A lady at work asking Bob and I if we were married. Um...do either of us look like we are old/young enough to be married to each other. Compound the awkward with Bob saying, "Well, she's kind of like my work wife..."
*Seeing HBP with my mom and Anne yesterday, Anne is my moms oldest friend, and we are all pretty sure I got my personality from her and not my mom.
*Pretty blue flip flop earrings from my mom
* My Immortal fan fic, it's so terrible it's funny. Google it, Liz told me about it and I die every time I read it. Best part is Dumbledore screaming "MOTHERFUCKER!" or her, "Crying blood tears down my pallid face."
Just google it and then watch the dramatic reading.
*Seeing movies with Cody and Rodney
*HP movie night at Rodney's house.
Things that are not that awesome
*Having to borrow money from my mom
*Feeling extreme shame for asking her for money. I haven't asked her for money since I was sixteen.
*Being broke all the tme
*Back to school at Office Depot
*Being in a car accident
*Being hit by an angry black man with no insurance
*Rodney being transferred to a different store
..
I think that covers my life right now.
-embee
Interesting things that have happened recently.
*Someone coming back into work who had previously been through my line to ask for my gamer tag. We had been talking about nazi zombies. Must be the nerds way of asking for a phone number, but it was cute, all the same.
*A lady at work asking Bob and I if we were married. Um...do either of us look like we are old/young enough to be married to each other. Compound the awkward with Bob saying, "Well, she's kind of like my work wife..."
*Seeing HBP with my mom and Anne yesterday, Anne is my moms oldest friend, and we are all pretty sure I got my personality from her and not my mom.
*Pretty blue flip flop earrings from my mom
* My Immortal fan fic, it's so terrible it's funny. Google it, Liz told me about it and I die every time I read it. Best part is Dumbledore screaming "MOTHERFUCKER!" or her, "Crying blood tears down my pallid face."
Just google it and then watch the dramatic reading.
*Seeing movies with Cody and Rodney
*HP movie night at Rodney's house.
Things that are not that awesome
*Having to borrow money from my mom
*Feeling extreme shame for asking her for money. I haven't asked her for money since I was sixteen.
*Being broke all the tme
*Back to school at Office Depot
*Being in a car accident
*Being hit by an angry black man with no insurance
*Rodney being transferred to a different store
..
I think that covers my life right now.
-embee
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
wow... awesome... glad I came to Albany to watch William play on the computer, though... I guess I should have expected as much.
He always tries to explain what's going on in the game when I'm not even looking at his screen and then I am expected to stop what I'm doing to try and grasp the concept of World of Warcraft or whatever...
Oh well... lesson: Go to St. Louis next time, regardless of any circumstances.
Clayton is here too. Pretty cool, gives me someone to talk to while William is ignoring the fact that I drove 2 and a half hours so that he could continue to do all of same things he does while I'm not here.... as though I wasn't...
Maybe I'm being too demanding. I mean, what else would we be doing?
________________________________________________________
I have not read the 7th HP book. Perhaps I should, but I have quite a few other things on my "to read" list that I need to attend to first.
Ok, look up the movie Fan Boys (don't remember if it's one word or two) if you haven't heard of it... I have to see that movie... lol.
I've been so lazy lately. Like, I had a ton of stuff I "had to get done" before I left this morning, and I did one thing... went and paid the rent, because I feel like that's important... lol. I'd rather not live on the streets of kirksville. I mean, hobos in St. Louis can get a little money off of people, but there's no one here to get money from. We're all broke college students.
Looking forward to classes starting up. Taking some cool ones this semester. Death and Dying being the most worth-mention.
He always tries to explain what's going on in the game when I'm not even looking at his screen and then I am expected to stop what I'm doing to try and grasp the concept of World of Warcraft or whatever...
Oh well... lesson: Go to St. Louis next time, regardless of any circumstances.
Clayton is here too. Pretty cool, gives me someone to talk to while William is ignoring the fact that I drove 2 and a half hours so that he could continue to do all of same things he does while I'm not here.... as though I wasn't...
Maybe I'm being too demanding. I mean, what else would we be doing?
________________________________________________________
I have not read the 7th HP book. Perhaps I should, but I have quite a few other things on my "to read" list that I need to attend to first.
Ok, look up the movie Fan Boys (don't remember if it's one word or two) if you haven't heard of it... I have to see that movie... lol.
I've been so lazy lately. Like, I had a ton of stuff I "had to get done" before I left this morning, and I did one thing... went and paid the rent, because I feel like that's important... lol. I'd rather not live on the streets of kirksville. I mean, hobos in St. Louis can get a little money off of people, but there's no one here to get money from. We're all broke college students.
Looking forward to classes starting up. Taking some cool ones this semester. Death and Dying being the most worth-mention.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Spoiler alert: Voldermort dies.
"I have spied for you and lied for you, put myself in mortal danger for you. Everything was supposed to be to keep Lily Potter's son safe. Now you tell me you have been raising him like a pig for slaughter-"
"But this is touching, Severus," said Dumbledore seriously. "Have you grown to care for the boy, after all?"
"For him?" shouted Snape. "Expecto Patronum!"
From the tip of his wand burst the silver doe: She landed on the office floor, bounded once across the office, and soared out of the window. Dumbledore watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, and his eyes were full of tears.
"After all this time?"
"Always," said Snape.
--
I rebought the Harry Potter 7 book yesterday with a burning desire to both be in a book store and read it. I had read it hungrily the first day I got it, then let Finan borrow it, and at this point I know I'm never getting it back. Finan is not worth the gas to drive down there and get my stuff, I figure fifteen dollars is well worth the price, about the same of driving down to get my shit back.
Anyway, this whole chapter made me sob hysterically the first time I read it (I was a mess back then), and I thought if I re-read it I would gain perspective, and maybe it wouldn't be as sad as the first time, that Snape would seem pathetic to me, that the book would not be as good as I remembered, etc etc.
I got to the chapter tonight, and I was home alone. Nick had gone to Nate's, he usually does on Monday nights since I'm at work. I don't really mind anymore, I like being alone.
Reading the chapter did not change my perspective. I still cried really hard, still found the whole idea really compelling, and still found Snape to be my favorite character.
Now, I know it's lame that I'm blogging about a fictional character, but you bailed on me, so shut it.
The idea that someone can be in love with another person is a weird concept to me. To show unconditional love for as long as we live almost seems to go against human nature. This has been show to me fairly recently with promises of soul mates and undying love that turns on and off like a light switch. I have always believed in love, and that you don't really get to decide who you fall in love with, because if you could, why would you pick the person you are with? Why would I choose to fall in love with Nick, someone who complicates me, drives me up a wall, can make me scream at the top of my lungs for days on end ?
Wouldn't you want someone safe and reliable, who will always answer the phone when you call, who never stays out late, someone who agrees with what you say, who thinks they're lucky to have you and not worthy, and someone who doesn't pee all over the toilet seat?
Well of course. But that's not really the holy fuck love we all dream about, is it? Love is hard. If it were easy they would stop making movies about it, stop writing songs about it, stop writing books, poems, everything. People would not crave it, dream, fantasize, wish, hope, pray for/about it. It would be common, it would be someone we all have.
If this were love, Snape would have been with Lily, and I would have no cause to cry my way through chapter thirty three. I wouldn't have chosen to stay with Nick, Cindy would not still be my best friend.
I think that's why I enjoy Snapes ending so bad. I always like the underdogs, and my favorite characters are always like this, I think I must see myself in them. Certainly I Snape and I are both cutting and sarcastic, though I don't think I could pull the cape off as well as him.
His love for Lily was hard and complicated, and he spent his life loving her.
I guess I worried for a while that I made a mistake, that I should have chosen the easy option, that I should be begging for forgiveness, that me and Nick can be volatile and explosive, too passionate and emotional than is good for any human being.
I wanted to re-read the book specifically for the Snape chapter, specifically to see how I felt, if maybe I was making a mistake.
But I knew, like I knew back then, that it wasn't. Maybe Nick and I aren't Severus Snape and Lily Potter, maybe in four years from now we will part ways, but how could I give up a good thing, something so perfect for me? Me, who is sarcastic, and cutting, and loud, and sometimes really cynical and demanding and all sorts of things, why would I give up the one person who I ever met who not only understands all of that without me ever having to explain one part of it to him, but, at his worst, brings out the best in me?
At her worst, she brought out the best in him.
I will always regret my time with Garrett, because none of it was real. Everything we had was faux, pretend, how can you love someone as deeply as we claimed when it was so easy for us to let each other go. Sometimes I wonder if he hurts as bad as I do, if he misses me as much as I miss him, but I regret him harder than I miss him, and the feeling is a sinking ship in my stomach. He's my death eater, if we stick with the HP metaphor here. He said all the things I wished Nick would say, was a link to the friends I've always wanted so desperately to like me, he was cocky and arrogant, and it was easy to forget why I loved Nick so much I moved in with him four months after dating. Nick and I were fighting. I said awful, terrible things, things I regret terribly, all because I thought I wanted to be with someone who had very little respect for me, in the end, who lied to me over and over and never felt sorry for it, who turned people I liked against me to make his own ego feel better.
My story is different, much different from the book. I am young, I make mistakes. That does not excuse them, but I learn from them, I better myself, I move on.
I have had hard ship in my life, stuff people experience throughout an entire lifetime, not in twenty short years, and I know without a doubt I am a better person for all of them, that it is easy to put me under a microscope and pick me apart, and call me crazy, to tell me to go back to my medication, but I can't imagine anyone living through things like that and coming out a beautiful, intelligent, strong individual such as myself who is willing to help those around her, and is not bitter.
I know that my story, life and love, will be an interesting one, and it will be extraordinary because I chose it to be so. That I did something amazing and beautiful with my life, that I helped someone else, that I loved fiercely, was incredibly loyal, and was decent my entire life.
This are all things I love about Snape's character. He was loyal and fierce, brave and honest, and I think you could learn a lot from him.
Despite that he is a fictional character of course...
--
And Snape left the room. Harry rose up out of the Pensieve, and moments later he lay on the carpeted floor in exactly the same room: Snape might have just closed the door.
--
-embee
"But this is touching, Severus," said Dumbledore seriously. "Have you grown to care for the boy, after all?"
"For him?" shouted Snape. "Expecto Patronum!"
From the tip of his wand burst the silver doe: She landed on the office floor, bounded once across the office, and soared out of the window. Dumbledore watched her fly away, and as her silvery glow faded he turned back to Snape, and his eyes were full of tears.
"After all this time?"
"Always," said Snape.
--
I rebought the Harry Potter 7 book yesterday with a burning desire to both be in a book store and read it. I had read it hungrily the first day I got it, then let Finan borrow it, and at this point I know I'm never getting it back. Finan is not worth the gas to drive down there and get my stuff, I figure fifteen dollars is well worth the price, about the same of driving down to get my shit back.
Anyway, this whole chapter made me sob hysterically the first time I read it (I was a mess back then), and I thought if I re-read it I would gain perspective, and maybe it wouldn't be as sad as the first time, that Snape would seem pathetic to me, that the book would not be as good as I remembered, etc etc.
I got to the chapter tonight, and I was home alone. Nick had gone to Nate's, he usually does on Monday nights since I'm at work. I don't really mind anymore, I like being alone.
Reading the chapter did not change my perspective. I still cried really hard, still found the whole idea really compelling, and still found Snape to be my favorite character.
Now, I know it's lame that I'm blogging about a fictional character, but you bailed on me, so shut it.
The idea that someone can be in love with another person is a weird concept to me. To show unconditional love for as long as we live almost seems to go against human nature. This has been show to me fairly recently with promises of soul mates and undying love that turns on and off like a light switch. I have always believed in love, and that you don't really get to decide who you fall in love with, because if you could, why would you pick the person you are with? Why would I choose to fall in love with Nick, someone who complicates me, drives me up a wall, can make me scream at the top of my lungs for days on end ?
Wouldn't you want someone safe and reliable, who will always answer the phone when you call, who never stays out late, someone who agrees with what you say, who thinks they're lucky to have you and not worthy, and someone who doesn't pee all over the toilet seat?
Well of course. But that's not really the holy fuck love we all dream about, is it? Love is hard. If it were easy they would stop making movies about it, stop writing songs about it, stop writing books, poems, everything. People would not crave it, dream, fantasize, wish, hope, pray for/about it. It would be common, it would be someone we all have.
If this were love, Snape would have been with Lily, and I would have no cause to cry my way through chapter thirty three. I wouldn't have chosen to stay with Nick, Cindy would not still be my best friend.
I think that's why I enjoy Snapes ending so bad. I always like the underdogs, and my favorite characters are always like this, I think I must see myself in them. Certainly I Snape and I are both cutting and sarcastic, though I don't think I could pull the cape off as well as him.
His love for Lily was hard and complicated, and he spent his life loving her.
I guess I worried for a while that I made a mistake, that I should have chosen the easy option, that I should be begging for forgiveness, that me and Nick can be volatile and explosive, too passionate and emotional than is good for any human being.
I wanted to re-read the book specifically for the Snape chapter, specifically to see how I felt, if maybe I was making a mistake.
But I knew, like I knew back then, that it wasn't. Maybe Nick and I aren't Severus Snape and Lily Potter, maybe in four years from now we will part ways, but how could I give up a good thing, something so perfect for me? Me, who is sarcastic, and cutting, and loud, and sometimes really cynical and demanding and all sorts of things, why would I give up the one person who I ever met who not only understands all of that without me ever having to explain one part of it to him, but, at his worst, brings out the best in me?
At her worst, she brought out the best in him.
I will always regret my time with Garrett, because none of it was real. Everything we had was faux, pretend, how can you love someone as deeply as we claimed when it was so easy for us to let each other go. Sometimes I wonder if he hurts as bad as I do, if he misses me as much as I miss him, but I regret him harder than I miss him, and the feeling is a sinking ship in my stomach. He's my death eater, if we stick with the HP metaphor here. He said all the things I wished Nick would say, was a link to the friends I've always wanted so desperately to like me, he was cocky and arrogant, and it was easy to forget why I loved Nick so much I moved in with him four months after dating. Nick and I were fighting. I said awful, terrible things, things I regret terribly, all because I thought I wanted to be with someone who had very little respect for me, in the end, who lied to me over and over and never felt sorry for it, who turned people I liked against me to make his own ego feel better.
My story is different, much different from the book. I am young, I make mistakes. That does not excuse them, but I learn from them, I better myself, I move on.
I have had hard ship in my life, stuff people experience throughout an entire lifetime, not in twenty short years, and I know without a doubt I am a better person for all of them, that it is easy to put me under a microscope and pick me apart, and call me crazy, to tell me to go back to my medication, but I can't imagine anyone living through things like that and coming out a beautiful, intelligent, strong individual such as myself who is willing to help those around her, and is not bitter.
I know that my story, life and love, will be an interesting one, and it will be extraordinary because I chose it to be so. That I did something amazing and beautiful with my life, that I helped someone else, that I loved fiercely, was incredibly loyal, and was decent my entire life.
This are all things I love about Snape's character. He was loyal and fierce, brave and honest, and I think you could learn a lot from him.
Despite that he is a fictional character of course...
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And Snape left the room. Harry rose up out of the Pensieve, and moments later he lay on the carpeted floor in exactly the same room: Snape might have just closed the door.
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-embee
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