Often I wonder about the people I love the most, and why, and a lot of the time I come up with nothing.

I've been spending a lot of time with Rodney, talking and watching movies, and I trust Rodney with my life. I told him he is the only person I have ever really been one hundred percent with, meaning, you know, I tell him everything. EVERYTHING. Things I don't tell Nick, or Cindy, or even admit to myself. I can't figure out why, maybe it's the lure of his dark skin, or I feel safe, I'm not sure, because I never notice myself doing it. It just happens, suddenly I'm blurting out all my deepest, innermost, self conscious, loathing, embarrassing thoughts, and what not.

I've been living inside my head a lot lately, I'm not sure why. I've reverted back to old ways, no crying, no sadness, no telling anyone what's wrong, just all i'm fines, all the time. I guess some habits take more than a boy with pretty eyes to break, although I know everyone likes to think one person can fix every problem about them. I wish that were true. My person is probably Rodney, and I find him far from a soul mate. More like an older brother who threatened to beat up Travis for calling me stupid.
I will never understand the obsession we have with finding the perfect person, especially when we are young. Is it because we're afraid we might never have the chance again? Or does it run deeper than that? Is it an actual longing to find one person who completes everything about you?
I, personally, do not think such a person exists. Like I said, mine is probably Rodney. I used to think it was G, and I don't think he will ever realize how close he came to getting me to leave Nick. Like, within millimeters. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had. I wish we had stayed friends, I wish it bad all the time, and I wonder if he really has just gotten over it like it seems. I don't look at any of his stuff, and I deleted all his numbers because I'm too tempted to beg for him to forgive me, and honestly, I don't think I need to be forgiven. I'm not saying he does either, we both did what he thought was right, nothing can change that now. Some things just hurt, and take time to get over, and it helps when you have someone like Rodney telling you that, if they/he really loved you/me, it wouldn't have been so easy to make him hate me. If it was the epic, soul defining love he claimed, nothing would have mattered, he would have waited, I would have left Nick, no matter how ugly we were to each other it would have worked.
I need to stop obsession over it. I'm glad I stayed with Nick. When I met Nick, it felt like I had known him forever, or at least, had been looking for him specifically forever, and now that I found him everything was right. I wish I could take back that awful month where I was the biggest bitch any girl could ever be to someone they claim to love. I can't believe he stayed, I said awful things, things I never dreamed I would be capable of saying...
I wish I could be two people, really. It doesn't matter anymore. Seriously. I don't mope about this all day, just sometimes you get that feeling of sadness, it's like a wave, something triggers a memory, and you find yourself wrapped up, missing things about them. Nothing really changed, but now I don't listen to Killswitch. The idea makes me sick and angry, and they weren't really that good of a band to begin with, although I did sing that song in rock band the other night. But I didn't enjoy it.

Colbie and I are still up. Nick bought me a blender, so I make fruit smoothies daily now. A belgian waffle maker would make my life complete.
And a toaster too, I guess.

Movie with Rodney tomorrow, and maybe some bowling with Nick. I don't really like bowling, I think his sister and fiance is going and thats why he wants to...ugh.
Game night Sat, and Sunday Dennis comes home.
I'm feeling more cheerful already!

-marybeth