I would like to take this next moment to be completely honest, with myself. I lie best to myself, it's a special talent you get when you have enough stuff happen, it makes it okay if you lie to yourself enough and say that.
Really, it's not, and deep down you know it. And I know it. I can pretend all I like, and I still will, I don't know how to be any different, and I don't want to be any different. I don't want people to try and break it down or try and make it better. I don't need you for that, I like who I am. You walk through my life and tell me how you come out. I don't think anyone can do it better than me, it's my life after all. I don't have to be your pretty princess, or good enough for you. I'm me, and most of the people I've ever met seem to think I'm just fine the way I am.
I said I didn't know why I loved the people I loved the most, but I do, and that's why. Nick, Cindy, Rodney, Dennis, four people I don't know how I ever got along without, are people who know what's wrong and don't mind. Those are rare people. I can't be good enough for you, and I'm tired of sitting here wishing I had tried to be better for you. I was the best you will ever have, and not the other way around. You told me what you wanted, and I jumped through hoops to give it to you, and you threw it away for a game. I've missed you and wished to have you, and I feel like I'm in a good spot to forget you now. I don't hope you want me forever, I hope you've gotten over it completely, it's all I wanted for you in the end. I just want you to admit, deep down to yourself, that you can't ever do better, no matter who you are with, she'll never be.
I am better than you.

Dennis and I went down to the flood wall and graffitied, I still have paint on my hands. I told him all the g stuff, and he laughed. Like, hardcore laughed, it made it seem funny to me, I was being really honest with him about it, and he was laughing. Then he said, "Damn. I don't think I'll ever be able to top Garrett," and went back to his drawing. He put it in perspective after that. He said he thought I was beautiful and smart, and he didn't understand why I would waste my time missing someone who could walk away so easily and not look back.
And honestly, if I had stayed broken up with Nick and dated Garrett, I would have loser friends who don't really like me and I would not have Dennis. And I would trade all of those redneck motherfucker piece of shit worthless stupid going nowhere with their lives douche bags ever day for the rest of my life just to have Dennis. I would trade like, eight people who have known me for years for one person who I met several months ago and still knows me better than any of them.
It feels good, like really good, to know if you call someone and say something, they really care. Makes me remember Loren, and how he barely knew me, and vice versa, but was so good, and Finan has known me for too long and is such a doucher.

So, seriously, when I say no more, I mean, no more. No more Garrett, not now, not ever, I don't miss him, I don't love him. He was a hologram , but Dennis is the real thing, he is what an actual male best friend should be, and that is not jealous and manipulative. It's an engineering major at UMSL who is actually nerdy and not fake nerdy, and can spray paint the fuck out of a side wall.
Hm.

I painted pretty pink flowers and detailed diagrams of cells. Dennis thinks we should teach the degenerates through spray paint, he will teach them math and I will teach them science, fuck that other stuff. He painted an equation and I was laughing, wondering if someone would solve it, which he claimed he would love forever.

Mmm. Helping Rodney pick out pants this week! I'm excited for that, his outfits are so...eclectic at best.
Terrible, in all honesty. Like he dresses in the dark.
I tease him about it a lot. And he teases me for being so...ignorant in the ways of slang. It's bad. Kinda funny, but mostly bad.

Gym time in a bit, gotta hulu my show first. It's nice to have a day off to fuck around and do shit. I enjoy those, so rare.

-marybeth

p.s. as soon as i figure out how to get the pictures off my phone I will post my pretty flower and Dennis' awesome...whatever they call it.