I'm glad only Marybeth and complete strangers read this...

I don't even know anymore.

I'm like... beating myself over the head with this relationship (that's an odd image) and there isn't even anything wrong with it.

Well, at least nothing wrong with it that I actually have proof of. (No, I don't think he's cheating on me)

I keep going back to the conversation we had about "why we broke up" and I worry that he might still be in the same boat. I worry that I just convinced him back into this whole thing like "It's ok, it doesn't matter." hoping that he would bounce back. And it seems like it is... back to how it was before he got all confused/confusing. But maybe that's because he thinks there's no worry about where it's going. I worry that he thinks we're on the same page of "This is going nowhere (for sure) after under-graduate school." And it bothers me so much to think I might lose him, and even more so to think that he expects to lose me... I just want him to tell me it's not still like that. That it's changed, and every thing's better, and that there's a chance we'll make it past college. I'm not asking for guarantees or promises. I just want to know that he wants this relationship to work out like I want it to work out. Doesn't mean it will, just that we want it too. Because that really is important. Isn't it? Otherwise, what's the point?

I know he loves me, and I know he cares about me. I really want/need to have this conversation with him, but if I initiate it, I will regret it if I'm right. If we had never had that conversation in the first place... I wouldn't be worried. I would know he was in this for real, because we both agree (fundamentally) that a relationship you can see no future in (at least not a good chance) is not worth the effort, and is pointless. But I fear I may have talked him out of that logic somehow... I hope not. I just really didn't want to lose him. I still don't.

This keeps popping into my mind because it's the only reason I'm afraid to bring up senior year and graduate school. Because, I would follow him, where ever he wanted to go, no questions, and I want him to know that, but I'm too afraid of the rejection that might bring, follow by another conversation, and a break-up. Like, I don't know how much he thinks about the future (I know he didn't want to start looking into schools until after China, and he keeps putting off setting a time to come to Kville this summer) but I think about it a lot, and I think that my going along with him after college could really work.

If we lived together Senior year, we could use it as kind of a "trial" on whether we could stand living together for an extended period of time. Then when he goes to grad school (where ever that ends up being) I could transfer to a walmart near by (that sounds really lame, but I'd keep my pay rate so...) and work there while I look for a job-job (unless he doesn't plan on being there long, in which case I could endure Walmart for a couple years). Anyway, he would hopefully have an assistantship to cover tuition, and I could keep up on bills so he could go to school without having to worry about a job (outside of the assistantship, I mean)

However, I can't discuss that, because that would first require the terrifying conversation of "after graduation..." Because the last time that was brought up, he was convinced we wouldn't even remain friends (which really upset me), and I wanted to be like, "What if I went with you?" but...heh...

Plus then he would already know one person, so he wouldn't feel as isolated (if he goes far away.)


Some one smack me and tell me I'm being stupid (nudges Mary).

P.S. the thought of Marybeth secretly sending a link of this to William just crossed my mind, and in it... I killed her.

P.P.S. Pet insurance that is almost $100 every other month? that's pretty intense...