You didn't mean it baby..

...I DONT THINK SO...

My relationship with Nick is a complete joke. I'm pretty sure he calls me a bitch more than he tells me he loves me.
And I know what I should do. All my girlfriends (and several dudes) were telling me to leave, and, while it's a bit more complicated than that, I think it's basically come down to that. I don't think I can make it through this with Nick for another twelve months. He keeps pretending like nothing is wrong, that this is normal for people to go through, and I understand that love doesn't always work one hundred percent of the time, but I don't think when I'm twenty I need to be working THIS hard to make things work with him. And whenever I mention this he acts like I have some kind of romanticized and idealized vision of love...
Me. Romanticized love...wasn't my mantra all through high school FUCK LOVE? I think it was. Didn't I tell him when I first met him that I DIDNT want to fall in love? I didn't say it back to him when he first said it to me. He had to fight hard for that. I wish I had just slept with him and then broken up with him.
Okay, I don't wish that.

When Nick and I break up I do know one thing, and that is that I want to be single for a while. I want to be able to go out at night and not have to worry about having to be home early or not be slutty or whatever. I want to be able to get super shit faced and make bad choices with strangers. I want to be accountable for only me (and of course my lovely dog Colbie. But she's too much of a princess to let a stranger touch her inappropriately. Whereas I am not.).

I don't know how things will work out when that happens with everyone. I never made any promises, and mostly, what all this taught me, was that I need to be with myself for a while. I don't know how long, but it's not fair to start anything new if I'm not completely committed. If my head isn't fully in the game it's just not fair.

Meh. More to follow as things progressively get worse.
-mbizzle