I can't win. Not ever.




You know, I wish someone had written a hand book to a stupid girl who is so incredibly selfish it's almost criminal's life. Then I would have a guide book to tell me what I should do.
On the one hand Nick and I have been so terrible lately that I want to kill myself. No, okay, I take that back, BOTH of them make me want to literally end it all right now. But him and I, we said we'd give it one last shot, and since we're making a real effort to make it work, it's been good. He makes me laugh, he's great, we wandered around a baby store and just had the best time making jokes..
I guess I knew this would happen, that I could never have both.
I wish I could go back, I wish I could take back everything I ever said to all of them, I feel like such a fucking...fuck...

I just, I didn't think into the future. I didn't think of how it would turn out, didn't WANT to think about that, I just wanted to be happy like I figured I could be with him. I figured it would be alright, if he knew I loved him, but you really can't give yourself to more than one person, I don't know how people sleep with multiple people at once.

I hate myself. A lot.

Maybe I'll write the hand book for other people.
Maybe I'll just turn my brain off for a while.

-mb