Crap

Sorry I'm hogging all the blog space Cindy, but I need you to read this for me, and then promptly slap me in the face.

Oh yeah, and then tell me WHAT THE FUCK I NEED TO DO. This is from my night vision vegetable. I know I need to get it off my computer, and I'm deleting it from word (why the fuck would he send it in a word document form?), and I'll delete it from here AFTER YOU READ IT, SMACK ME HARD, AND TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO DO.

Here:


I always told you I’d be straight up with you; tell you everything I’m feeling, because you told me I’m not supposed to get hurt in this. I needed some way to tell you everything I’m feeling at once, something to get this off my chest what I’m thinking about all of this, so here goes. I just feel like you should know, since I can’t see you, this is probably the best way. Sorry if it’s not organized, I tried. Oh…where to begin?
Our time together, although short, has easily been the best time of my life. It all feels like a gift to me, I feel spoiled. Up until 2 weeks ago, I had nothing going for me at all; life was so mundane, boring, and uneventful. And then we planned to get together. I was ecstatic that first night we saw each other again, wondering where things would go. Its like things just clicked though, and I started thinking about how I thought that all should’ve happened all those years ago, like it was overdue. I was infatuated the moment I saw you again, and hooked once we shared that first kiss. I don’t even remember thinking about it before it happened, it just…happened, I couldn’t help it
.I’m always regretful about my past; there are so many things I’d change. So much more I would’ve done so many things I would have said that I didn’t. I wonder all the time what things would be like between us right now. Enough about regrets, I don’t have them anymore; I can’t change what’s done, so why worry about it? I’m focused on making the best of my life for the moment so I can look back on this part of it without regrets. I guess what I’m getting at is, I want you to be part of my life. Is it so selfish to want to be with you all the time? If so, I’m sorry, I can’t help myself, I love that I can talk to you about anything. You’re so much more than just a friend to me.
I really don’t know when I started loving you; it’s so hard to distinguish that line between adoration and love. I guess when I made it a habit of trying to dissect your problems and help you solve them, the same way you did to me. I guess it just grew from there, mutual understanding of each other. I feel like we have such a good understanding of each other, though we don’t know a whole lot at all, like we’ve only scratched the hypothetical surface of each other.
I love and adore the clumsiness that you have, and if you’ve seen anything since you’ve been with me, I’m almost the exact same. Dumping soup on my foot, and almost falling over on the steps, falling into my dresser, its weird in a way, I never saw that stuff before, but I guess it’s obvious about me now.
I love the way that we scold each other too, whenever we’re each loathing ourselves. How you always say I’m beautiful, and I’ll deny it, and then you’ll yell at me, insisting that I am. Or the way that I’ll scold you whenever you try and dump all this on your own shoulders, insisting that I got myself into this. (I did.)
I love that we’re not afraid to say what we need to say to each other, which is why I’m writing all this. I know this is so hard to deal with, so damn hard. I find it so much easier though whenever we just always say to each other, to take it a day at a time. You have the uncanny ability to lighten up any day of mine, no matter how shitty it went, and I try to do the same to you, even if I’m not great at it.

I love the teasing that you throw at me, even if it doesn’t seem like it. You hit it off with anybody I’m close to; throwing gay bashes and jokes at me with James, or with my mom right before you left, talking about how sparkly I’m not and how sun deprived I am. I look back on that stuff from the day and smile, because I only know you’re doing it because you love me, and I love you for it. They both talk so highly of you, too. It’s all true, no matter how self conscious you are about the impression you made on them. They like you a lot, and enjoy having you around, even if you don’t seem to believe it.
I’m sorry if I feel like I’m hanging on too tightly to you. I’ve just never had anything like this before with anyone like you. I don’t think anything could ever be as good as this; the little amount of time together I have had with you. When I’m with you, I feel like I’m invincible, like nothing can bring me down. Everything seems alright, calm, and quiet when I’m in your presence. It’s like everything is all right where it belongs; natural. Without you is when I seem to fall apart. I can’t get my thoughts straight because I just miss being around you, and I guess that’s when it seems like I’m mad at you, because it’s hard for me to say what I mean. That’s why I talk so much more when we’re around each other, I feel at ease, like I can’t say something wrong; it just feels natural talking to you.
I’ve never been able to share things about myself like I have with you. It’s just your presence calms me, relaxes me. Even you noted the change in my tone of voice when we were talking, something I hadn’t realized at all. I think that’s why I don’t mind at all that you sleep whenever you come over, because I know that you don’t feel the guilt of being with me while you’re asleep, even if you’re right next to me.I don’t even get tired of doing the same thing every time we’re together, I’d do whatever you wanted to do, as long as it was with you.
I never get tired of hearing you talk, even though you say all the time that you think you talk too much. I can’t get enough of it. There’s just so many subtle things about you that are endearing to me; like the way you hold onto me when we embrace, the way you let me lay my head on your shoulders. And your kisses; like nothing I’ve ever experienced before, they’re perfect indicators of how you’re feeling towards me. Everything you do makes me smile, something as small as a note that you left makes me smile every time I glance at it
I’m sorry if I ask if something’s wrong, or what’s on your mind so much. It’s just that, I have this impulsive need to fix whatever is bothering you, which was the topic of my second blog I wrote. It was hinting that I’d give up whatever as long as I knew you were happy, if at least for a moment. You renew my faith in God too, you’re like a gift from him. If I ever needed evidence of his existence, I need only look at the time we’ve had.
You mean so much to me, this doesn’t seem sufficient enough to express all of it. If you need more proof of how I feel, I’ll be more than happy to oblige. I’ll always be there for you, Marybeth. Don’t ever, ever, ever forget that. For now, I’ll leave you with a quote from your pale-skinned crush, Edward. “I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore.”

Okay, did you get all t hat Cindy?