Now ash yourself, yeah, out from the inside...

...I said I loved you but I lied..

I wish I could use that line someday and it be the truth, but I don't think it's really the best thing to lie about love. I know some people do, or they "think" they love you, but wake up one morning and suddenly don't, and I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way. I mean, I've loved people before, I love people now, and when/if those people walk out, I get that crushing feeling on the inside, that feeling in the pit of your stomach like you got punched over and over.
I feel that way a lot lately. It's definatly better, but every once and a while it creeps back up on me and I want to lay in bed and just relive everything over and over.
This isn't about G, by the way. What happened between me and him, that doesn't involve anyone else. No one else knows shit about it, except me and him. And he can tell whomever he wants whatever he wants, as can I, but what actually happened, and what we say happened (respectively), is most likely not how it actually was.
I wanted to talk about friends, but it's so tired. Yeah yeah, we get it MB, they say they want you to be happy until you don't do what they want you to do. Then they hate you, blah blah blah. I mean, seriously, that's not much more to it than that. I can blame it on G, or anyone else, and while he played a minor role in it, if I had dated him instead, wouldn't it have just been another thing another time to make them dislike me? It' not even about him being good looking (not saying he is) (but I don't like ugly people.), or smooth like oil, it's about the fact that, if people really like you, and care about you, you can fuck up over and over and they still want you to be their friends.
Like me and Cindy. How many times have I wronged you, and yet here we are, sharing a blog like a proud emo parent? The friends I have up here, whom I have known for way less time (but love so much), no matter what fucked up, crazy, stupid, random thing I do, while they may say, "you know, Marybeth, I don't agree with that," it's never snarky backhanded shit like I'm so used to. I'm still waiting for it, but I don't think it's coming.
These people complete me, or at least get me. We played VTM last night...I'll explain it in a second. nb (- Jaseper just crawled into my lap)
I just want to say, that even though him and I ended in the complete opposite way I wanted to, I miss the fuck out of him sometimes. It's hard, talking to a person every day about everything, and being in love with them to just hate. Maybe he's better at it than me, I don't know. I'm sure he feels I wronged him completely, and everything is all my fault, but I never pretended that this way anything but what it was. I was with Nick. I loved Nick.
I wish I could have been nicer, but at the same time, I'm glad he finally realized that not speaking was going to be the only way to get away from this. I wish I had told him not to go, but it was for the best. I don't regret where we are now, I'm sure he is happier, I am too. I hate what he said to me, but seriously, after what I said, I kind of had it coming. At any rate, if we never speak again, if he is just some person who walked in my life just to walk back out the revolving door, I'm glad he was there, and I miss him. That's it. This doesn't have to be me saying that he was the best I will ever have, because I don't think that. I think he was like, my best friend, and I miss our chats, but if he's happy and I am too, I can let it be.
Hopefully this is the last time I talk about him. I feel peace with the situation, not so angry. If he's happy with those people, thats okay with me. He said he saw them for who they really are, I hope he remembers it always.

Okay. Enough with the emo gay.
V:TM, last night, omg, I have never laughed so hard in my entire life, I swear on my life.
Okay, so I played a Nosferatu (of course, I really deep down wanted to, and they think Toreadors are homos anyway, so...yeah) named Otto with a dissociative personality disorder (multiple personalities). I won't bore you with his specs (but he is fucking seven feet tall and only has a stump for a right hand), but his flaw was masturbation, and they couldn't get over that.
Liz, the moderator, made us list everything that was in our pockets. Here is what were in mine:
o a watch
o a butter knife
o tiny LED flashlight
o swiss army pocket knife
o lighter
o cigarettes
o lubricant
o ten dollars and 58 cents (10 ones, 2 quarters, 1 nickle, 4 pennies)
o 10 feet of rope
o blond Marilyn Monroe wig
o handcuffs
o cell phone
o burger king coupons for small drink with purchase of a reg. meal
o keys on a ring
o bottle opener
o 7 paper clips
o 4 rubber bands
o Ritenour class ring
o 2 ink pens
o ink cartridge refill kit
o old school nintendo controller
o 4 gb flash drive
o stuffed rabbit

The keys on the ring could be keys to the whole city if I wanted, I had to roll luck to see if I had the ones to the strip club, but I didn't.
Me and Chris basically ganged up on Dennis' character, who played a Toreador coked out with a spirit mentor of Rick James. Chris played a skin head Norweigan Ventrue, Cody and Sarah were playing...oh...what's it called...the gypsie one...Cody was being changed, he was a stripper named bucket...like, money bucket...or cum bucket...and Alex played a Malkavian so fucking deranged that he went into the sewer looking for ninja turtles. It sounds lame here, maybe, but omg, I died, I was laughing so hard, it was just ridiculous. At the end of the game Cody had rabes.

Today at Office Depot I stumbled upon a tiny mouse stuck on a glue pad used for trapping mice. I tried to get over the fact that it was going to die, but could not, and when Rodney and Mark both said they didn't think he could be saved, I'm not going to lie, I cried. Just, like, a tear, because then I realized I was more resourceful than that. So I got on google, looked up what could free it, and found vegetable oil. Nick brought me up some veg oil, and Mark went outside with me to help free the mouse.
AND I FUCKING DID. I was worried I would drown it in oil because it's nose was stuck on the pad, and Mark thought it would take a long time to break down the adhesive, but his legs and tail were loose and slippery quickly (DONT WORRY, I WORE GLOVES), and when he was completely free I pulled his nose off of the stick pad with the little mouses help. He was pretty limp, but I left him some water, and reminded him not to go back in doors, but I'm really glad I saved him.
Mark said he was really proud of me, and didn't think it was possible, but seriously, I knew we could free the mouse. I just didn't know how. SO yay!

My good deed, and I did it because the thought of that little mouse dying like that, slowly and painfully starving made me feel sick and uncomfortable.
I don't think I'm a bad person. No one else wanted to help it but me.

Anyway, time for some television now. Mark promised to check tomorrow and make sure the mouse was gone, or lie to me and say it was.
-embeee