They say they only want the best wishes for me...

Oh three, two, one, we go live...

Ugh. I don't think I've changed that much, other peoples love still kind of weirds me out, and I'm still sarcastic and emotion bottling, so..


My mom just texted me telling me to start thinking about what I wanted to do for my birthday. It's July, I know, relax, its a my mom thing. She's probably had it planned since I was born. Anyway though, I've never made a big deal out of my birthdays. I'm not really a hey, look at me, bring me gifts because I managed to make my way out of my moms vagina safely. Or any big event, really. Didn't have a grad party, sweet sixteen...I don't know why, just didn't want any of it.
Anyway, so I guess I'm bummed about this because I always kind of figured I would do something with my girl friends or something, and now I know I'm not. Makes my eyes tingle in that you want to cry way but you can't because then your boyfriend will notice and want to talk to you about it.
Anyway, I asked mom what she wanted to do, because I can spend a birthday with my mom, and she said she figured she'd get me after the fact (my mom can drink pretty hard), and that I would go out with my friends, and I responded with what friends. They hate me, remember.
Yes.
I mean, I know it shouldn't bother me, because I knew they were like this before any of this happened, but I won't say it doesn't sting a little. I mean, friends (I thought) didn't mean, we like you until something better comes along. Nick was saying this last night when, for whatever reason, I was defending them saying that they just found something they liked better. I wish life was like a movie in where people screw you over and you automatically just are able to not care and move on with your life and get the best revenge over them by being happy and successful while their lives fall apart around their feet.
However, real life is not that gratifying, and while I bust my ass in school and work trying to get it together, they skate around with parents who fork out money like it grows on trees and don't go to school, or do anything other than suck up air and be more selfish than any amount of people ought to be.
I dunno.

No body deserves the title best friend if they don't sound like the cavalries cannons or aren't willing to bleed next to you.
Nicks friends are better friends. That's really depressing.

It's not like I don't have friends. I have a lot, especially since this whole G-turning-into-the-dick-i-always-suspected-he-was-and-everyone-hating-me-because-i-dont-want-to-keep-dating-selfish-men forever thing, a lot of people rallied around me, and that feels really good, knowing that these are people who like me because I'm a good person who doesn't let people down. Or that I'm funny or something, I dunno.

I just, I guess I miss them. I would cut my arm off before saying it to anyones face, and I don't mean I miss people like Finan. It feels good to be rid of him. No sadness there. But I even miss G a little, as much as I hate him. I wish everything he had said to me had been the truth. I wish that night we were walking around the track, and he made those stupid promises, that I had not believed him. I think that would make this okay. Because he was kind of my best friend, and then...nothing. I dunno. I don't think he reads this anymore, and if he does, I don't care if he knows. It doesn't mean that I want him, or think I should be with him, it means, that as a friend, I miss who he was. When funny things happen, I wish I could tell him. But I can't because I deleted his number, and like I said, I would rather cut off toes than say it to him.

Okay. No more emotions, but it feels good to get it all out.

The new guy at work is a total bro, but we get along really well. We talked about hockey for a long time, and he helped me work on an assignment I have due but am procrastinating hard on.
Also, is it weird I eat spaghetti o's cold? I think they taste better that way.
I dunno.

I think ramen tonight, then some sweaty gym action is in order.

Jasper barks hi!

-mb