Honesty time. I wish I could call right now. Do you think I moved too fast from Mike to Brian? It's not like Brian was going anywhere, and tonight I realized I still have a lot of hurt feelings for what he did to me when we dated, and tonight I took my hurt feelings out on Brian when I told Brian I wanted to talk and he chose to go to sleep instead. This should not be a big deal, but I got really upset with him, even though Brian was sorry about it, and even though I know he had a long night and probably is exhausted. It just brought back all those bad memories of Mike always saying things he didn't mean, just saying whatever to shut me up. He would walk all over me and take advantage of the fact that I am so nice, and it used to make me miserable, and the worst part is, I would let him. I never said anything, and so tonight I over compensated on Brian, freaking out and making him feel bad, because I knew Brian would actually care. Brian listens, and tries, and feels bad if he thinks hes hurting me, and here I am, treating him like he's Mike.
Which makes me wonder if I should have taken some time to find peace with what Mike did, and our relationship as a whole before trying to start something new with Brian. And now I'm worried it's too late with Brian to do that. Saying to Brian I want to put the breaks on will only hurt his feelings, and I want to be with Brian. But me still being hurt and angry with Mike is not fair to Brian, or his feelings for me.
I don't know what to do. I love Brian. I don't think I've ever loved anyone the way I love Brian, and the last thing I want is to hurt him, but I can not physically keep all this hate I feel towards Mike for being possibly the biggest piece of shit I ever dated while trying to be in love with Brian, because every time Brian screws up (and invariably he will, he's only human and boys are not good at being perfect very long), I am going to freak out on him, which is only going to upset us both.
Ugh I don't know. Part of me thinks I need to just tell Mike exactly what I think of him, and just say it all and get it out, but I know Mike, and he would never let me have my say without firing back and calling me a bitch for sleeping with Brian, which would only serve to piss me off more that he's gonna sit on his pedestal and act like its okay that he lied to me, blew me off, walked all over me, and made me feel inferior to his wants and needs because I slept with Brian once.
Just thinking about it makes me want to hit something. Like Mike. I'm supposed to see him and get my stuff back, and I keep blowing him off because the idea of seeing him makes me want to run him down with my car. I never thought I could dislike someone as much as I dislike him.
Which brings me back to my initial problem. I looooovelove Brian. And I want to be able to tell him everything, all the time, and be totally happy with him, and I can't be that when half the time I'm daydreaming about killing Mike.
Maybe I should just send them both a copy of this, and let Brian tell me that I'm the best girl every and he loves me so much and not to run Mike down with my car but maybe rent one and do it with one of those, and then Mike can tell me how he cherishes me as a friend, but I'm a slut for sleeping with Brian, but because he's Saint Mike, he forgives me.
^ thats what makes me the maddest. How he can say I'm awful, but because he's so great, he forgives me. I know him, he is a total ass who is entitled and thinks hes gods gift to women, despite his poor sex ability and tiny penis, and I never saw him brush his teeth. Not once.

I feel better already, having vented to you.
-mb