Can I start this blog off by saying that my hair looks really awesome today? It took forever, totally worth it.
I'm really frustrated today, mostly with myself and I'm not sure why. I keep reminding myself that I am only one person and can only accomplish so much, but trying to cut myself some slack has just not been working out at all. I'm sure the problem is I'm really tired, I've been up working on school crap, projects due, tests all in a row, I'll never get why my professors feel the need to schedule all of this stuff right on top of each other, but it's midterm week, and I know I haven't been working hard enough in my literary class, and I'm trying to make up for it with all this studying. I haven't finished all of my required reading for the midterm, so I'm trying to do that too...It's my fault, I procrastinate and put everything off until its ontop of me and then freak out. It doesn't help that my "fall break" is two days, Monday and Tuesday of next week. Um, hey SLU, that's not a "break", that's a weekend. Thanksgiving break is the same way. I guess I should get used to having no time off, law school isn't going to be any better.
Plus, all this boy drama is stressing me. David Brandon blah blah blah. It feels like every time I decide I'm really going to commit to this single thing someone else pops up and I get all caught up in it. Did I learn nothing from Brian? The last thing I need is a guy, they're too much work and I just don't have time to love somebody like that. David wouldn't be so awful since he's far away so it's less work on my end during the week, but he's gonna want me to come down and vice versa, and on my weekends I need to be working, sleeping, studying, or drinking so much I forget about the first three. Besides, when graduates this year he'll be home, and next year I will have even less time to focus on him because it will be (god willing) my last year of ungrad school, and I need to keep my grades up, and once again a boyfriend gets in the way of that.
I'm also worried, because this feels like some kind of transitioning period in our lives where suddenly even guys are starting to look for something more substantial. I feel like the last one to mature, I know I'm not the only one who doesn't want marriage, but it seems like everyone around me does, and it makes me really uncomfortable. I've always been bad with commitment, that's no secret, anyone who knows me well is aware of this, but what if I start something with someone like David, for example, who has liked me for 4 years, and he wants to get married. I have always kind of thought after law school I'd get myself all settled, maybe buy a house, some really expensive suits/shoes, a new car, do me for a year, and then think about really settling down. There are just some boys you don't mess around with, and David is one of them. Brian was.
I think I'm trying to talk myself out of liking David, and not gonna lie, I'm doing a pretty good job. I like guys like Brian because they literally have nothing going on. They are not long term material. He was 24, not in school, living with his mom, I mean...perfect. He's not gonna get his shit together for a while, and by then I would have been long gone. David has his own place, about to graduate ahhhh stop thinking about it!
I've been stressed...so I've been shopping. Lots of cute shoes...same problems.
Lately I've been partying really hard, and I don't mind at all. People are so judgey, what ever. It's not like I'm going out sleeping with people, I'm getting dressed up and drinking with friends, but twice I've heard "I'm worried about you."
Bitch my grades are better than yours, so worry about yourself, mmkay? But it's probably contributing to my exhaustion. Whatever. I'm young, I'm cute, and can walk in heels, what do you want from me?
I'm thinking maybe I can't have relationships
Because lately they're not making any sense
And baby you're the one thing on my mind
But that could change any time

^^ that sums my whole life up right about now. Only, when you say/sing it, I need a drink in my hand.

Anyway, I want to end this with a message I sent to Herr Kirby on facebook. I
m pretty pleased with how I worded it, I'm not the best expressing feelings.

While I'm here I just want to say real quick that this spring I'll be taking my LSAT's, and applying to law school. It's been a really rough road because you can't really skate by with a smart mouth and natural talent, it's been a lot of hard work.
When I was in high school I only took two teachers twice, and that was you and Mr. Rose, and I took everything you both said to me to heart, and I really mean that. You both were really fantastic teachers, I always felt like my life mattered to you, and even though this sounds kind of corny, I still remember things you both said to me. I honestly don't think I ever would have worked as hard as I have been to do this if I hadn't had teachers like you both. I wish I could do something more than just say thank you, but right now this is the best I've got.
I know I will remember you and him forever, and I hope if I ever have kids (far, far off) that they have teachers like you both, because, out of all the teachers I had/have, it makes me a little sad that only two are memorable in a really distinct way.
Anyway, I've always wanted to say this.
Thank you, again!
-Martina

-mb